Cause and Effect

Whenever we come into contact with anyone, it will always come with the Cause and Effect factors. With Compassionate loving and open people we share this trait with them if we too have these attributes to share. With a co-partner with empathy and love can contribute much to our growth albeit emotionally psychologically and spiritually. Which in part we must give back to them.

But the Cause and Effect from a toxic dysfunctional partner brings about a different beginning and then end...

Those that suffer from a personality disorder bring little and then nothing more to a relationship. Much as a parasite, they will feed on the co-partner by taking more and more. A PD (personality disorder) like one that suffers from the cluster B has lost the ability to grow and learn from mistakes they made from other relationships. Because much like the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), He/She had to learn to survive from a defense stand learned early in life from their parent(s) and/or caretaker. All Children are born with this Narcissistic defense due to it being important to their very mortality and survivor. It's not a learned trait; it is an inherent ability from a long history of mankind.

Soon our children mature and learn that they are not the center of all things. That mother and father too have their own needs emotions both positive and negative. This Narcissistic shield that the child is born with, gets chip away little by little as they grow, until there is but a small amount left to insure a healthy normal self-respect. It's this "chipping" away effect that causes the young person to know and feel empathy for others..

But for those who suffer from a personality disorder, something within that child goes wrong. Having suffers from those who should have protected the child, this effect didn't happen. The person who should have loved that child didn't, so again this effect never happened. Instead of building up the child, it was used and sometimes even abused. Again this had a deep effect on that child.

So this child learned not to open up to that parent(s) or caretaker. So many times it only cause that child pain albeit emotionally and psychologically. This child learned early on to depend only on it self. The child has learned early to be what the parent(s) or caretaker wants for any type of acknowledgment or attention from them. The child learns to pretend lie and manipulate to get what she/he wants. All of this and more have caused this child to remain in a Narcissistic shell, protected from a hostile and unwelcoming environment.

Love it-self has for this child becomes a lie and a weakness. As this child becomes an adult, He/She will build yet more walls due to all of the lies and so many secrets they them self have. The Causes of suffering from a personality disorder is many and we are still learning more and more year by year. It's not sure what percentage is environmental and what is inherent. But the effect(s) on a child born within a dysfunctional toxic family can cause that child to become just as toxic and dysfunctional as their parent(s) or caretaker.

Still most of my concern and attention goes to the many victims. Much like myself, I too must look deep within my self and inner child. Searching for my own "Cause and Effect" of a childhood born into it's own dysfunctional toxic family. We know that a cause and effect from this dysfunctional toxic parent(s) can cause the child to suffer from a personality disorder, but it can also have the ability to have a broken child to become a victim as well. Some of us from these types of dysfunctional homes spend the rest of our life looking for what we didn't get from our parent(s). We have been condition to look for people like our dysfunctional parent(s). That in a way by "helping" them we can somehow correct the mistakes our parent(s) made on us. By loving the unlovable, we will be loved by a parent unable to love us. By fixing them (PD) we can somehow turn back the clock of time with our dysfunctional and unlovable parent(s).

A very good piece on this is from Joanna Ashmun web site Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): How to recognize a Narcissist.

“If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist. Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way.”

Only by learning this flaw within ourselves and correcting it will we begin to understand that we need to love ourselves first, so that then we can give it to others. If we want to stop being the "victim", then we must stop putting ourselves in positions where we can be come victimized. What is needed here is a strong understanding of boundaries and healthy self-esteem. That we acknowledge we are part of the problem but we also can become the solution too this broken dysfunctional record being recycled over and over again within relationships where both love and respect for the other doesn’t exist. That giving and never getting any type of exchange from our effort is wrong on so many levels.

We don’t work on others that we can’t fix; no we start working on ourselves where it can and needs to be fixed. We stop being the victim (broken child) and then begin being the survivor from a broken home and dysfunctional relationship we had with our parent(s) or caretakers. We began to understand the Causes and then the Effects in our personal life, accepting the fact we are part of the problem but also the solution to this cause and effect. One thing that separates all of us from each other is secrets and lies. So that we must rid ourselves of all personal secrets and all the lies we tell ourselves so then lost of those regrets will follow..

If only our counter-parts the abuser can learn this, then and only then will they too rid themselves of all secrets and many personal regrets.

What it Feels like to be Me

Why NC is Important to me...

One day soon after Dorothy Chambers was gone and we stopped all contact with her by phone because once again she broke a promise made to me that I didn‘t want anyone else to call me or get my personal home phone number which included her family and friends. I told her that if she broke this promise that I would change our home phone number and she would never get the new one. Which she never did.

Dorothy agreed with this but I knew it was only a matter of time before she would break this promise. Remember Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar so one can’t believe any promises made or anything she tells you.

After she broke her promise not to give our phone to anyone else and I having received a call from her now “new” soulmate who threaten me about having my sons who wrote a letter to their mother explaining about how they felt about visiting her or having them call her. I did in fact change our home phone number at that time as agreed and our home phone numbers was changed within 24 hours with the help and assist from our current home phone carrier. Please read:

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/03/correspondences-from-2006.html
for more information concerning the letters mailed too Dorothy Chambers.

But please back to my story. One day soon after changing our home phone number my oldest son came and told me how his friend’s mother received an unexpected phone call from some friend of my now ex Dorothy Chambers. My son’s friends mother is from the Philippines so the reader might want to keep this in mind when reading this, plus she never really knew my ex very well to begin with.

Anyway, one night a caller called and got his mother on the phone and then asked for Dorothy Chambers home phone number knowing that my son’s friend had our new number. Of course only Dorothy Chamber would have know this. Only Dorothy Chambers herself had my oldest son’s friend’s home phone number. This along tells me that Dorothy Chambers was behind this deceitful act and consented the phone call.

Well unknown to the caller and I can only guess that Dorothy Chambers as well, that my son’s friend and his mother never had a very close relationship and she didn’t know most of her son’s friends, let alone their phone numbers. Also to note to the readers, his mother forgot to turn off the answering machine when she answered this call so that this conversation was accidentally recorded. My oldest son’s friend was nice enough to allow all of us to listen to the recorded conversation between the unknown caller and his mother.

*Also of interest the caller tried to disguise his voice but did a really bad job at it. We all had a good laugh over that one! We never really knew who this person was but we believe it to be the new boyfriend.

The recorded phone conversation went like this:

Caller: I am close friend of Dorothy. I am looking for her and wanted to know if you could give me her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who do you want?
Caller: I looking for Dorothy Chambers and wanted to know if you have her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: There is no Dorothy that lives here? Why you call me?
Caller: I know she doesn’t live there I just want you to give me her home phone number!
Friend’s mother: I don’t understand, No Dorothy lives here! Why you call me?
Caller: So you won’t give me Dorothy’s home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who is Dorothy? Dorothy doesn’t live here! What you want?
Caller: Okay then. (Caller hangs up)

Now the friend’s mother didn’t know whom Dorothy Chambers was and also didn’t have that information. I guess because she was from another country the tricksters thought they could trick her into giving the caller our new home phone number by telling her they were a friend looking for Dorothy Chambers. These of course are the tall tell signs of a manipulator but it didn’t work with my oldest son‘s friend’s mother simply because she really didn't know Dorothy Chamber, nor had our home phone number. Too bad too sad.

Now let's go back a few days before I heard the recorded message conversation myself....

The night my oldest son came and told me about this call so that at the time I thought Dorothy Chambers left her new boyfriend and might be back in the state of Illinois. Remember I at this time don’t know about the recorded conversation just that someone called my oldest son‘s friends mother and asked her for Dorothy‘s home phone number in this state. Dorothy Chamber was now living in Wisconsin and not Illinois. So I thought to myself, why would the caller look for her here. Dorothy's own family knew she lived in Wisconsin and had contact with her so it couldn't have been through them. Also due to the fact Dorothy's friends (the few she had) no doubt knew nothing or little about her decision to leave her children and moved to Wisconsin, so it wouldn't have been them. No, whoever called that night knew exactly where Dorothy Chambers was and it wasn't in Illinois.

What happens next is something I never experienced before and hope to God never again.

I had a major panic attack but at the time didn‘t know that!

Just with the thought that she might return to Illinois, I started feeling like I was having a heart attack!

I have all the signs....

Numbest in my right arm
Tightness of the chest
Blood rushing to my head
Feeling like I would pass out
Feeling of hopelessness and a sense thread
Feeling like I was would die

I called my brother-in-law and asked him if he would drive to the hospital because I believed I was having an heart attack! He did drive me there that night.

The doctors in the emergency room ran all the necessary tests to determine if I indeed was having a stroke or heart attack. But my entire tests came back with a good bill of health and that I wasn‘t having an attack.

The good doctor then suggested I see a psychologist, which I did the following week.

All this just thinking she might return? This of course got me thinking what else is wrong with me? So seeing a psychologist sounded like a very good ideal.

Of course this happened five years ago and something like this wouldn’t happen again but it shows the effect these people can have on us in the beginning of our healing and understanding just what we are dealing with. These people are toxic to us so remember things like this can and do happen. The psychological and emotional damage done by abusers is long standing and can invade your now peaceful life and a state of serenity in a heartbeat...

Remember they are nothing but Cowards.

One continues behavior I have witness throughout my experience with toxic dysfunctional people ( i.e. Personality Disorders) is they are cowards. I believe most if not all those involved with a TDP (Toxic Dysfunctional Person) will also bear witness to this behavior albeit a business or personal relationship. Remember readers, like cowards TDP are very good at hiding their true self so one must really look hard and with a open mind whenever one gets involved with one. A coward will always scarifies others to save their own skin so if one is involved with a TDP, get out as quickly as possible…

Much like a vampire TDP too fear the light of truth. And also like a coward will run hide and deny the truth and sometimes to their own death. But we should remember that these people aren’t monsters to fear but people who suffer from a personality disorder. Anyway, behind their mask one will find the coward hiding much like a child afraid of the dark. In fact many relate to just how immature and child like their actions can be if one was to confront and/or challenge them at anytime throughout the relationship. If challenged we see tears or rage or both. But what one really wants to look for is just how immature and out of control these behavior patterns are. Also to remember is that the tears are always for themselves but the rage is always directed at you. So to them you are the cause for their tears and the source of their rage. Remember like a true coward their best defense if a good offense. If one challenges a coward like maybe their character or behavior, they will in turn challenge your character or behavior. TPD will always do the same.

This cowardice will be displayed throughout custodians cases. Acting and wanting the court system to see them as victims and the abused parent, fighting the good fight for their children. Sad but true is too often lawyers judges and the court system is all but to happy to bestow them that. Also they want their own children to see them as the victim as well. Hiding the truth how they are in fact the abusers. This cowardice is displayed to family and friends as well. Again displaying themselves as the victim. And like a coward they are very good at this display of victim-hood having done and displayed this behavior pattern over and over again to gain whatever it is they want. To a coward the ends always justifies the means. In war time soldiers (cowards) have been know to injury themselves to get out of fighting knowing they will be sent back to a service hospital. TDP themselves have also been know to threaten and/or injury themselves to get sympathy from family and/or friends. For more information on this, I suggest reading more on Munchausen syndrome. Yet another personality trait for those that suffer from a personality disorder. Those that kill themselves are view by society as cowards, so the saying goes “he/she took the cowardly way out”. TPD ( i.e. Borderline Personality Disorder) are best know for this type of cowardly behavior.

Abusers do all their dirty work behind closes doors and away from public sight. Much like the coward does. They feel more comfortable attacking one behind their backs then to face them. Cowards can only gain respect by tearing down others, again much like a TDP. Cowards can’t be believed and their words are worthless knowing they will say anything to get them out of trouble or to gain something they want. Much like a TDP will. Lying is just a tool for them and will use it whenever they please. Coward hide behind a false mask, again much like TDP would. If ever their world starts to fall apart, just watch these cowards run and hide. Man, if it wasn’t so sad it would indeed be funny. But it’s their cowardly behavior that does so much damage and heartache to the real victims.

Readers here is a test, just think about a cowardly behavior then think about your ex. Was this behavior ever display by him/her? I myself have done this test before about my ex and again and again I see just how much of a coward she has always been. Cowards in the end never get what they want also much like a TDP won‘t…

I remember a old saying:

“A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave person dies but once”

How true, oh how very true….

So readers, whenever you think they (TDP) have the upper hand over you, remember just how much of a coward and child like (immature) they really are! So in ending just like a coward these TDP are nothing less then losers users and abusers. Showing us over and over again the true colors and behavior of a Coward…


The Wikipedia defines Cowardice as:

“Cowardice is the perceived failure to demonstrate sufficient robustness and courage in the face of a challenge. Under many military codes of justice, cowardice in the face of combat is a crime punishable by death (cf. shot at dawn). The term describes a personality trait which is viewed as a negative characteristic and has been shunned and disdained (see norms) within most, if not all cultures, while courage, typically viewed as its direct opposite, is generally rewarded and encouraged.

Cowards are usually seen to have avoided or refused to engage in a confrontation or struggle which has been deemed good or righteous by the wider culture in which they live. On a more mundane level, the label may be applied to those who are regarded as too frightened or overwhelmed to defend their rights or those of others from aggressors in their lives.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coward


One thing about this definition by Wikipedia is how it calls it a “personality trait”. So that in so much as to whenever I refer to a TDP, I am referring to a person who suffers from a personality disorder. So we do come to the conclusion that a coward and those who suffer from a Personality Disorder do share this type of personality trait.

So in ending readers, again I like to remind you that if ever you feel they have the upper hand and power over you. Please remember that it’s only temporary for cowards are cowards until the ending of their long sad days…..

But the remembrance and songs of our heroes will be sung until the ending of mankind and his and hers children's children..

Toxic Relationships

One of my favorite song and whenever I listen to it, I think about those struck in a toxic relationship and how no one in this relationship will grow from it, albeit it emotionally psychologically or spiritually.

If you are in one, please get out for this road always leads to the same place...

Someplace I myself have no desire nor need to go too again..

Something one person is crazy about due to it being passionate to them is one thing but being obsessional about it? Well, that's just CRAZY..

Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution

Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution

Enmeshment. At the extreme of boundary dissolution is enmeshment, a lack of acknowledgment of the separateness between the self and other. Minuchin (1974) described the enmeshed family as one in which family members are overly involved with and reactive to one another, such that "a sneeze brings on a flurry of handkerchief offers." On the positive side, such families may provide feelings of mutuality, belonging, and emotional support. However, at the extreme, enmeshment interferes with the child's development of autonomy and individual agency. Changes in one family member quickly reverberate throughout the entire family system and may be perceived as threats to the family togetherness. For example, adolescence may precipitate a crisis when a young person begins to assert his or her own independence, such as by expressing the desire to go away for college (Kerig, in press-a). In psychodynamic theory enmeshment is the initial state of being from which all children must wrest their sense of individual selfhood. According to separation-individual theory (Mahler, Pine, and Bergman 1975), infants originally experience themselves as part of a symbiotic relationship with their mothers. Over the course of infant development, inevitable failures in perfect empathy and wish-fulfillment help children to recognize that their mother is a separate individual with her own thoughts and feelings. However, in pathological development, emotionally deprived mothers may feel threatened by the infant's emergent sense of individuality and act in ways so as to promote and prolong this sense of parent-infant oneness. The consequences to the child can be severe, interfering with the ability to forge and assert a separate sense of identity. For example, enmeshment in the parent-child relationship is believed to be central to the development of borderline personality disorder, a syndrome characterized by the inability to preserve a cohesive sense of self and to maintain emotional boundaries between the self and other (Pine 1979). At a lesser extreme, childhood enmeshment predicts young adults' attachment insecurity and preoccupation with their families of origin (Allen and Hauser 1996).

Intrusiveness. Intrusiveness, also termed psychological control, is characterized by overly controlling and coercive parenting that intrudes into the child's thoughts and emotions and is not respectful of the autonomy of the child (Barber 1996). Whereas enmeshment is characterized by a seamless equality ("we feel alike"), the intrusive relationship is a hierarchical one in which the parent attempts to direct the child's inner life ("you feel as I say"). Psychological control may be carried out in ways that are more subtle than overt behavioral control. Rather than telling the child directly what to do or think, the parent may use indirect hints and respond with guilt induction or withdrawal of love if the child refuses to comply. In short, a psychologically controlling parent strives to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings in such a way that the child's psyche will conform to the parent's wishes.

Longitudinal data show that infants of intrusive mothers later demonstrate problems in academic, social, behavioral, and emotional adjustment in first and second grades (Egeland, Pianta, and O'Brien 1993). Psychological control also is predictive of anxiety and depression in children (see Barber 2002) and of delinquency, particularly in African-American youth (Walker-Barnes and Mason 2001).

Role-reversal. Role-reversal, also termed parentification, refers to a dynamic in which parents turn to children for emotional support (Boszormenyi-Nagy and Spark 1973; Jurkovic 1997). Although learning to be responsive and empathic to others' needs is a healthy part of child development, parentification involves an exploitative relationship in which the parents' expectations exceed the child's capacities, the parent ignores the child's developmental needs, or the parent expects nurturance but does not give it reciprocally (Chase 1999). A parent engaged in role-reversal may be ostensibly warm and solicitous to the child, but the relationship is not a truly supportive one because the parents' emotional needs are being met at the expense of the child's. Further, children are often unable to meet these developmentally inappropriate expectations, which may lead to frustration, disappointment, and even anger (Zeanah and Klitzke 1991). In fact, parents' inappropriate expectations for children, such that they provide nurturing to their parents, are a key predictor of child maltreatment (Azar 1997).

Research shows that, over the course of childhood, young children who fulfill their parents' need for intimacy have difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions (Carlson, Jacobvitz, and Sroufe 1995) and demonstrate a pseudomature, emotionally constricted interpersonal style ( Johnston 1990). In the longer term, childhood role reversal is associated with difficulties in young adults' ability to individuate from their families (Fullinwider-Bush and Jacobvitz 1993) and adjust to college (Chase, Deming, and Wells 1998).

Parent-child role reversal also is associated with depression, low-self esteem, anxiety (Jacobvitz and Bush 1996), and eating disorders (Rowa, Kerig, and Geller 2001) in young women. Due to cultural expectations that associate caregiving with the feminine role, daughters may be particularly vulnerable to being pulled into the role of "mother's little helper" (Brody 1996; Chodorow 1978). Consistent with family systems theory (Minuchin 1974), boundary violations also are more likely to occur when the marital relationship is an unhappy one and the parent turns to the child for fulfillment of unmet emotional needs (Fish, Belsky, and Youngblade 1991; Jacobvitz and Bush 1996).

Role-reversal may take different forms, depending on the role the child is asked to play. Parents might behave in a child-like way, turning to the child to act as a parenting figure, termed parentification or child-as-parent (Walsh 1979; Goglia et al. 1992); or they may relate to the child as a peer, confidante, or friend (Brown and Kerig 1998), which might be termed adultification or child-as-peer. Although providing a parent with friendship, emotional intimacy, and companionship ultimately interferes with the child's individuation and social development outside the home, the negative implications of a peer-like parent-child relationship may be less severe than a complete reversal of roles in which the parent relinquishes all caregiving responsibilities.

Role reversal can also occur between adults, such as when an adult turns to the spouse to act as a parent, seeking guidance and care instead of a mutually autonomous relationship, termed spouse-as-parent (Boszormenyi-Nagy and Spark 1973; Chase 1999). Another form of role reversal occurs when the parent behaves in a seductive manner toward the child, placing the child not in the role of parent or peer, but of romantic partner. Spousification. Of particular concern to Minuchin (1974) was the blurring of the boundary between the marital and child subsystem, which can lead children to become inappropriately involved in their parents' marital problems. This may take the form of a compensatory closeness between an unhappily married parent and a child of the other sex, termed spousification (Sroufe and Ward 1980) or child-as-mate (Walsh 1979; Goglia et al. 1992). Although spousification is often considered to be a form of role-reversal, it is distinguished by the fact that the parent is seeking a special kind of intimacy—perhaps even including sexual gratification (Jacobvitz, Riggs, and Johnson 1999). For example, Sroufe and colleagues (1985) found that emotionally troubled mothers, many of whom were survivors of incest, engaged in seductive behaviors with their young sons while responding in a hostile way toward daughters. However, the relationship between spousification and gender may be more complex.

When marital conflict spills over onto parent-child relationships it also may take a hostile form, termed negative spousification or spillover (Kerig, Cowan, and Cowan 1993). Spillover of marital tensions may cause a parent to view a child in the same negative terms as the spouse, thus blurring the boundaries between them (e.g., "You sound just like your father"; "You're your mother's daughter, aren't you?") (Kerig, in press-b). Research has shown that maternal stress and depression increase the risk of negative spousification that, in turn, predicts anxiety and depression in school-age children (Brown and Kerig 1998).

Read more: Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution - Gender, Theory, Family, Development, Child, Parent, Role, Reversal, Children, and Relationship:

Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution

menwhoareabused.com

A good friend of my James has a great site on men who suffer from emotional psychological and sometimes physical abuse from they partners. Also James has constructed some very good videos between the abuser and victims both on his site and YouTube. These videos take time and energy but James does it to help all those victims who are trying to understand why their relationships suffers so much just as my did at one time. Here is a sample of those videos: I hope visitors to my site will review James videos and leave comments for I know they have helped so many victims to understand and see how any type of toxic dysfunctional relationship is a never ending struggle and a hopeless cause for the victim. James is helping so many people so please help him to help others. It isn't what we say that will define us in the end but what we have done On a personal note: James, thank you so much for your site and the many videos! I hope you kept up the good work and kept making more of these type of videos!! I thank you all and may God Bless!