Tuesday, April 28, 2009
This was taken from a thread on Lovefraud.com titled “Psychopaths and predatory memory. My reply to Henry was as followed.
“No contact is our only weapon, the closest thing to revenge we will get.”
I too believed this for the longest time (the part about NC, but sorry I disagree it should have anything to do with revenge) until one day I understood that exposure is also a tool we can use.
Exposure for me is a necessary part of the learning process I am going through. By exposing with these types of people, we will accomplish three things.
I call this type of exposure by the initials W.A.R
1) Warn: others about these types of dysfunctional and parasitic people.
If I only knew more about those that suffer from having a personality disorder before I met and started a family with my ex s/p I know things would have been different. I know I would have tried harder to save my children and I from years of verbal abuse by her. Even if I had to break the law I would have tried harder to protect my children. If only I knew about what a personality disorder was, I would at least had more options.
So now my life’s work is exposing these type of personality disorders and the risk one takes whenever we date marry or get involve in these relationships albeit personal or business.
2) Aftermath: I am dealing with the after effect of my personal dysfunctional past relationship with my ex s/p. Now our mind have this ability to “forget” the really horrible and bad events in our lives. The reasons, I am sure there are many, but anyway by exposing these type of people we will remember and not naturally block out those EM (emotional memories) but instead deal with them and try to understand why this happen and how to prevent it from happening again.
3) Reaffirmation. Whenever we take the steps to expose someone with a history of abuse and “bad” relationships, we confirm what we believe to be the truth, as we understand it. The only example I at the moment have is the holocaust and how we must never forget what happen during this war and those that for years suffered and die in silence. Many people would love to forget the holocaust but to do so would allow something like this to happen again. But by us remembering this horrible event and reaffirmation with ourselves of it‘s reality, we can pray and hope it never happens again. The same applies to our past relationships with our s/p. By remembering and reaffirming what really did happen we can go on and let go of this past and leaving it when it belongs “in our past”. And then hope and pray it doesn’t happen to someone else.
I guess the first question to you the reader is what is a “smear campaign”?
In many ways it’s a campaign to win others to see and know only what the abusers wants other people to know. To take focus off of the abuser and then place on it on the abused shoulders. In short these smear campaigns are nothing more then yet another projection from the abuser but only this time is given to outsiders. It gives others the reasons the abuser is really (as they want you to believe the victim). These campaigns shift blame and accountability away from the abuser unto the target source.
The type of smear campaign are modify to fit the target (victim) but the theme is always to show how the campaigner was abused lie too and victimized but it’s modified as well to that person and/or group to achieve whatever goal the campaign has in mind. An example would be if this smear campaign were told to the next “soulmate” (victim) they (the abuser) would try to achieve two goals. One to make the victim the abuser, which is why they had to leave and/or were, told to leave. The campaigner will tell his/her next victim that they are lying when in fact it was them that lied. The victim is a manipulator and/or “control freak”. The victim was unavailable emotionally and is a heartless person. The victim was physically abusive to them. Second, the next lover (victim) will be seasoned on a more emotional level setting her/him up for what I call the “pity play” role. This type of smear campaign also works on family members and close friends that would be if they have any.
But if the abuser was to sell this smear campaign to an outsider like a church members or co-workers the campaign would focus more on achieving winning that person and/or group and getting them on their side of this debate. They might focus more on personal themes like alcoholisms drug abuse and/or moral issues. But remember the goal is to minimize the accountability of the abuser and then shift blame more on the creditability of the victim. The smear campaign is to destroy the creditability of the victim. The abuser during the smear campaign must maintain this theme.
What is most interesting is that the abuser’s campaign is really telling others (projections) what they did and have done to the victim and sometimes for years and knows that after they have left or was ordered to end the relationship (divorce) that the victim will start talking. What the victim had for years keep within his/her self is exposure to others too help the true victims(s) to understand and then hopefully too start to heal. Therefore they (abusers) must get the first attack and will start to set up the campaign to conceal what they themselves have done so if one see the campaign for what it really is. Then one can understand that one-day you too might have this type of smear campaign done to and against you and/or those that are closest and dearest to you. A smear campaign might start after the relationship dissolves but most starts months or years before the relationship dissolves. A smear campaign itself is a source of narcissistic supply for the campaigner. A smear campaign will have out right lies but most are truth/lies twisted to once again shift both blame and accountability off the abuser while destroying any creditability from the victim.
So really each of us would have their own story concerning which smear campaign was used on them.
My smear campaign:
Interesting that a past “smear campaign” told to you early in a new relationship is it’s self a “red flag”. Remember that you too were once seasoned for a “pity play” by your now accuser and abuser. Once you too were told how abuse and violence plagued their last relationship. Remember that past smear campaigns are in fact a window to look into to what will someday happen to you....
I remember how my ex s/p told me how her last husband physically abused her. How he would steal all her money and use it for his drugs. How much he cheated on her. How he once tried to drive his car into a tree so that both of them would die and how she escaped by jumping from the car before it hit the tree. How her ex would lay on top of her chest forcing her down and then took a lit cigarettes and threaten to burn her. How her ex would manipulate and lie to her. Because Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar how much or if any of this is true I will never really know. I don’t know what happen between them but I do know what happen with us.
So one day I woke up and become that ex. That unfeeling uncaring non supported abusive monster.
After my ex s/p left some information started to come back to me. I soon learned how she told her family and her next partner (victim/partner in crime?) that I physically abuse her. What was interesting is how she used one of her jobs as proof as the alleged abuse. Let me explain.
She worked at FedEx in the receiving and shipping department, which unloaded incoming trucks and then would through serials of tracks process the shipments to the outgoing trucks. My ex explained how many times they had to use their own strength and bodies to stop the merchandise coming down these “tracks” and would get bruised in the process. After starting her job I notice how she would come home covered in bruises. One time when my sister was visiting us, I made a joke about her physical condition telling them both how “people will think I am beating you with all those bruises on her”. Of course at that time we all had a good laugh about it but I am not laughing now! I told Dorothy Chambers many times how I hated her job and the way she came home with all these injuries on her. Dorothy Chambers did in fact quit this job. But not before she used my little joke and her position at FedEx to use it as a smear campaign against me. Anyway, like her ex husband, I too physically abused her. The only problem is that I have proof this never happened unlike her ex.
Another comment that I heard about (i.e. smear) that was used against me was my drinking and how I was an alcoholic. Now to be as honest as I can, I did drink a lot when I lived with Dorothy Chambers. But what surprised me even more was how my heavy drinking stopped after she left. I see now how I was self-medicating myself through alcohol. This only shows me how much damage we can do to ourselves whenever we are involve with a toxic person and in a toxic relationship. Whenever one is involved in a dysfunctional relationship we might and/or will do things that may not be normal and/or healthy. Her ex husband used drugs and by her statement an drug addict. I drank and therefore by her statements an alcoholic. This is how they will use any character flaw no matter how small and blow it up to show whoever will listen just what a “bad” person you are.
Yet another smear was my ability to support my family. Again untrue for I maintain full time employment and because of my education was paid a good income. But my ex s/p only worked part-time in our 17 years together when and if she worked at all. Also her education was more limited and made less money.
Of course there are more no doubt and some I know I will never know about unless it gets back to me through the grapevine somehow. One of the drawbacks with total NC (No contact).
A smear campaign is nothing less then misdirection telling others don’t look at what I am doing instead look at what they did. They may admit some fault in the relationship(s) but if one looks closer the sincerity is short lived and/or shallow at best.
A smear campaign is also just another form of projection but it’s projected on whoever will listen and not on you.
Can anyone protect themselves against a smear campaign?
The answer is no because the campaign and campaigner will twist facts with both lies and truth and most victims never learn about the campaign until after the abuser has left or was told to leave.
If the victim tries to warn the next victim (partner/lover) then the abuser will use his/her campaign already in full force to again prove how unstable and abusive the victim is. Which is why many of us warn the victim that to do so might backfire and will do more damage to them while simultaneously confirming what the abuser has campaigned all along that you are unstable abusive and are just telling lies about them.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
From Candy’s aka numberthree
“You allowed your children to go through this HELL, why didn't you get out like the first one did?”
Or From Angela Wiegold (Pape) aka Angle69
“Why don't you move on like her First husband did?”
Now both of these questions are valid and should be address.
Let’s take Candy’s comment first shall we?
This person would be correct that because If I didn’t do something I would have in fact let my children go through hell because whenever we allow a problem to go unchallenged or at least try not to understand the problem and/or problems we live a life of denial and then the problems will just grow and grow over time. Because I didn't know what a sociopath is I can only say I did the best I could and live with my part in this for the rest of my life. But Candy is right insomuch that the children and I did in fact go through hell with Dorothy Chambers.
But in all fairness I did many times try very hard to do something. We went to counseling three times trying to see why both Dorothy and myself were having so many interpersonal problems in our relationship. The first counseling was a elder woman and very good at her job. She saw some personal issues with both of us and knew we needed to work on them. But for some reason after getting closer to some issues with Dorothy and Dorothy telling us both “how much she hated her mother” in one session Dorothy did a quick turn around and quit therapy that day after leaving that session.
Dorothy told me after leaving that session that she would “never” go back and would quit. When I ask Dorothy why? Her reply was “I do not like talking about my past”. Now I did something I wished that I wouldn’t have done and let her and myself quit.
Telling her “maybe” we could work this out between ourselves. Of course I still at this time didn’t know anything about “personality disorders” or that Dorothy was a sociopath and in fact this happen when my oldest son was just a baby. I know I will live with that mistake for the rest of my life.
The next therapist didn’t have the skills needed to work with a family and found it very distracting when our young children attended the session. We both agree to quit this therapist and only went for one session with the therapist.
The last therapist was really a joke..
Why? When in our first and again only session he told Dorothy that there wasn’t anything wrong with her and in fact went on to ask her if she had any “sisters” that he could date. Funny I often wonder if this guy is still working in this field and how I hope to God he isn’t.
Yes my children did go through hell with Dorothy Chambers like anyone will who get involved with her. But I did try which is all any of us can do whenever dealing with these type of people. But if you are involved with a PD (Personality disorder) remember that nothing is their fault and will never take personal responsibility for anything they do. In fact I been told that therapy can sometimes make them worst not better. So if you are thinking about going to therapy please find one that understand and knows what a personality disorder is.
Okay, next question from Angela Wiegold (Pape) aka Angle69.
“Why don't you move on like her First husband did?”
I can only guess that Angela Wiegold (Pape) is suggesting that I stop posting and exposing Dorothy Chambers for what I know she is and what she suffer from. After learning about people that suffer from personality disorders I learned quickly that one can’t play by the rules because for an sociopath there are no rules or at least only “their rules”. This explains why most of us go “no contact” (NC) because one can’t compromise with a person who lack any type of empathy or conscience. We go NC because we learn sooner or later that any contact with them in nothing short then toxic and dysfunctional. We do it to save our own life and sanity. But I feel the need to expose those that will only go on and find yet another source of supply. Someone else to give them what they need albeit food money a place to live, well the list of course goes on and on.
A sociopath is a very parasitic person that needs to feed off of someone. They are empty shells and hate to be alone. These are the same people who can “fall in love quickly” and also fall out of love just as quick. In short they attach to others quickly just like a parasite will but will detach just as quickly once that host have nothing more to offer them and/or they find a better host. So the reason I expose all sociopath is to warn others about them and then hope they will listen and not make the same mistakes that I did. Of course one can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it. One will choose for one’s self. I just hope that the people who read my post and other posting on this subject will be wise and make the right choice. So people choose wisely whenever you can around a person who suffers from a personality disorder. These people will suck you dry!
This is why I don’t just move on like her last husband did. And in fact he regretted that decision himself and took Dorothy Chambers back to court after both his children grew up for back child support that Dorothy never paid. Sorry to inform the readers but Joe and Candy lost their case and Dorothy never had to pay a penny. Joe waited too long and I for one won’t make the same mistake. But unlike Joe I don’t want any child support for all I want is to expose her and people like her to sociality and for whoever will listen to watch out for again they will “suck you dry!” and put you though your own personal "HELL".