Friday, June 26, 2009

Narcissistic for a Day
By James A. Phillips

I woke one day, in a terrible way
Short with my children and not caring for their needs in anyway
Not talking with my wife, oh what a pig she is
She is always that way
Not seeing how special I am in every way

Getting ready for work, thinking how they don’t see me, oh the
wonderful me! Why, should I care about them in any oh way!

Going to work, I saw people who are fools
Just like tools that I can use and use
Not seeing how special and great I am and will always be
These objects are just for my fun and wants for whatever I need.

At work, I talked with Andy, oh what a fool he can be
taken my position that was promise to me
Why can’t Andy see, that it was meant for me
I’m so special, not like Andy can ever be

I came home oh, what a horrible day for me
Why can’t they see the wonderful me
I cussed at my children, so selfish they can be
My wife I told her I don’t need you and don’t
want you with me
You are just a pig, not special like me

The room got dark and numbest surrounded me
No feeling of love or caring for me
No one would talk or look at me
Oh, dear God what is happening to me

Awoke in a sweat wanting someone to hold me
Oh, what a horrible dream that happen to me
A Nightmare no no not a dream at all
A Nightmare it had to be!

How horrible it must be
To be a narcissistic being in every way and everyday
Oh no that’s not for me in any oh way

No, I love my children who are so
Special to me in their own special way
My wife so sweet and so kind to my children and me
Loving and special to us in all and each one in their own way
Oh no dear Lord, that’s not for me in any oh way
A narcissistic person I can never be not even for a day

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I smell Gas!

I think I smell gas?

Gaslighting - A Little Known Form of Abuse: Written by Sierra Koester

“Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or brainwashing where one individual attempts to get another individual to believe she is "crazy". This is most often done through the denial of facts, events, or what one did or did not say. The gaslighter might also directly or indirectly imply that the individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a mental illness.”

I believe Dorothy Chambers is able to help us in understanding how gaslighting is used and her attempts to gaslight me. I also believe how she recruited her new boyfriend to help in this and possibility others in her attempts in gaslighting.

-Personal Journal Part 1- Special note to self

[Some time in April 2006 when I got my cell phone turn back on I started receiving strange calls from unknown people. Example, Some man called and said that Tracfone (the carrier I use) mess up his order and gave me his cell number (I know now that this would never happen, phone numbers are given when you activate your cell phone and then add minutes to you prepaid phone and after not using the cell for a long time.) he requested that any calls I received to give them his new cell number. I informed him I wouldn’t be able to do that, and hung up. On Mother’s day. Some women called my cell phone claiming to be my mother, calling me by a different name. I informed the women that I wasn’t her son and hung up. Dorothy was here and said *“see you keep getting calls all the time” as too imply that it was my girlfriend or someone I knew. The Strange cell phone calls stop when Dorothy left me on 5/22/2006. So that I come to believe that Dorothy for some reason, gave her boyfriend (Paul Worman) my cell number. Why she would do this is totally unknown to me. I know I can’t prove this but the coincidence is to great to ignore. Dorothy Chambers is now trying to get me to give her my new home phone number. I talked with my son Joshua about this and he replied no way! I agree with Joshua’s decision. Giving Dorothy our phone number would not be in our best interest right now.]

An attempt to Gaslight?

Like it states in the journal this started around April 2006 a few months before Dorothy Chambers inform her children and I on May 22, 2006 that she was leaving to live with her parents which we all know now was a lie. That in fact she left the state of Illinois and moved in with her boyfriend in Wisconsin something in fact she herself informed my *sister during one cell conversation with my sister during an event to return yet more of her property.

Having this dude call me out of the blue and then trying to con me into relating his calls to him and that I would “soon” be receiving calls on my cell that was meant for him because our cell phone numbers were somehow messed up and how the carrier messed up this account as when giving him my cell number instead of issuing a new cell number for his “new” account. The question I asked myself at the time was is “why this fool was calling me when he should in fact be addressing his account problems with the cell phone carrier and not a perfect stranger? Really it never made any sense then and it still makes no sense today.

The only coincidence we had was we both had the same cell phone carrier as stated by the caller.

One note to readers is that this happen before she “went to a hair show with her sister and her mother" on Mother’s day. I did call the phone carrier and the technical department informed me that something like this could never happen because of the way the system is set up whenever a new account becomes active. In short the caller lied.

I believe this dude was setting me up for whatever reason and in fact I did start to receive some “unknown” cell calls but would just ignore them and not answer. I believe this “gaslighting” was to keep tags on me remotely so that if I did receive a cell call for whatever reason this fool thought I would be stupid enough to call him and let him know what callers wanted and rely the message back to him. Gaslighting is attempting to keep someone off balance both emotionally and psychologically. This phone tag would do just that but it didn’t work. The fool might have thought he knew me but really didn’t, thinking I would be so shortsighted and foolish enough to fall for such a simply con. Now there is really no way to prove it but it is my opinion that the caller was in fact Paul Worman.

I believe for whatever reason this was an attempt to gaslight me by Paul Worman and Dorothy herself.. Dorothy knew I never had in the past received a lot of cell phone calls. That in fact I had most people I knew to call my land line phone number when I was home or leave a message if I was at work. My cell was for family business and emergency purposes only. Dorothy Chamber knew this.

Dorothy also knew I never answered any unknown cell calls ever and plus my employer discourage cell usage during business hours so my cell was on vibrate only and still unless Dorothy called me (which she use to do a lot, understanding now how she was checking up on me) on my cell at work I receive very little cell phone calls other then these calls she made herself. This can be done easily enough by checking my cell for all recent inbound calls.

Yet as stated by Dorothy Chamber *“see you keep getting calls all the time implies that I did in fact received numerous calls on my cell and it was *“all the time“. What is also very interesting is that when she made this statement about receiving “numerous calls on my cell” this happen after she return back home very late on Mother’s day after going to some kind of “hair show”. Which was just another lie told to my children and I. That I believe she went to Wisconsin and spend the night there with her boyfriend Paul Worman.

I believe Dorothy Chambers had someone (female) call me around that time because I would received this call when she was there and I believe she wanted to be there when I received this call. Really, for me it’s too much of a coincidences to be a coincidences. Like it states “gaslighting” is an attempt to keep someone off balance both emotionally and psychologically.

Another coincidence is how after Dorothy Chamber left all these “strange” calls stopped.

*([Journal part 2] Dorothy stated: “I live in Wisconsin now and can’t keep coming back to Illinois” (Judy later told me that she could hear voices in the background telling her not to tell her about Wisconsin). Judy replied back “you live in Wisconsin?”. Dorothy confirmed that.

This happen while both of us were in the process of returning yet more of her property.

Let’s use another example of gaslighting that Dorothy Chambers tried to use on me. Again to be clear on facts I will use my journal to illustrate how she tried in her attempts to gaslight me:


-Personal Journal Part 2-


[Dorothy again talked about her property again. I told her I would return it when we got together on Saturday. Ask her if she wanted anything else she didn’t reply, so I then just hung up the phone!]


(Dorothy called back on Friday.)

[Dorothy called back on Friday. I informed her that the therapist thought the children meeting her so soon after her leaving would not be a good ideal (this was a lie, I just needed more time on custody research and the children didn‘t want to see her) she then stated that I was lying (this time she was right, can’t be wrong all the time) and demanded the phone number for the therapist. I told her it was Aunt’s Martha’s Youth Service and gave her the number. Dorothy then demanded her property that day. I told her that wasn’t part of our agreement, that the reason I asked her to call back on Friday was give her the information as to were we would meet and return property on Saturday. I had prearranged with Judy that she would come to my home after work on Friday to pick what was here (some boxes were in Judy’s home and some it was here in Elgin) and then to spend the night at her place and then I would do all this on Saturday. Dorothy at the time didn’t know about my arrangements with Judy. Dorothy again stated that I (1)“was changing things” and accused me of (2)“lying“. And stated that I said she would get her property on Friday which I never did.]

Now when we talked on June 5th we both agree that she would be able to receive more of her property on Saturday June 10th of that week. That I wanted her to call me on Friday just to confirm the pickup on Saturday and time. Dorothy tried to make me believe that in fact I didn’t say that and was (1)“changing things” and even told me flat out that I was in fact (2)“lying to her“. She tried to convince me of her “reality” and dismissed my recall of the prearranged agreement made on June 5th.

Now Dorothy Chambers didn’t have any knowledge of my personal journal so she didn’t know I was keeping track of our conversations with time and date stamps on them. So Dorothy Chamber thought she could just “gaslight” me into believing I did in fact tell her she could get her property on Friday not Saturday as previously agreed.

Another thing Dorothy Chambers had no knowledge of is that I prearranged with my sister to meet me on Friday so that we could get what property was at my home and bring it to her house where the rest of Dorothy Chamber's property were at, in fact it was sitting in my sisters’ garage and that we would return her property on Saturday June 10th. Another thing Dorothy Chambers also didn’t know was that the children and I was planning on spending the weekend at my sister’s home for a family visit.

None of these facts Dorothy Chambers had knowledge of so again her attempts at gaslighting me failed. Dorothy Chambers did in fact receive her property on Friday not Saturday so in this she was successful. One other point is how what she wanted was more important to her and had no empathy that her request by rushing the pickup might be a burden on her family including my sister.

What really surprised me is how later I was told by her how they never left the state of Illinois but instead **stay overnight in a hotel. This show me how Dorothy Chambers tried to gaslight me for they could have just as easily had done all this on Saturday as we agree to in the first place.

Because Dorothy Chambers had no knowledge of this journal at the time and also what she didn’t know was that both my sister and I could just review the journal and confirm what was stated and agree on. Which is something we both did later. We both soon discovered that Dorothy Chamber is in fact a pathological liar and we couldn't trust anything she told us.

**[Personal Journal part 3 06-15-06:] Dorothy stated that after boyfriend and her pick up the property from SHPD, they went to a hotel and spent the night there. Question to self, if they stayed in Illinois overnight, what would have been the problem to pick up her property on Saturday? God, how I hate this shit!

Also to note for readers that if you feel you are being targeted and abused with these gaslighting tactics I recommend keeping a personal diary or journal yourself which can help you keep track of facts, events, or what one did or did not say when dealing with the gaslighter. Also to note that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or an attempt to brainwash a person.

"Narcissists 'gaslight' routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, oversensitive and hysterical. Once he's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, he'll tell others about them, as always, presenting his smears as expressions of concern and declaring his own helpless victim hood."


Sunday, June 21, 2009

It’s a brain thing

Remember whenever we are discussing PD (Personality Disorder) we need to understand how those who suffer from this disorder is processing information and emotions differently. Let's allow Dr. Hare to explain this when discussing an MRI/SPECT taken of an ASPD (Anti-social Personality Disorder) compared to a normal subject brain and how these two subjects brains are processing and using information received to that subject's brain.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Personality Traits: NPD

Personality Traits:

Dorothy Chambers is a person in my opinion who suffers from some type of personality disorder. She was court ordered to be tested by a psychologist when she went through a custody case for her two other children with Joe Guth back in November 3rd, 1989. She lost custody of both her children and was granted only "supervised" visitation rights. She was also ordered to pay child support maintain full time employment for insurance reasons and have a life insurance policy in place for these two children. None of this she did and in the end didn't maintain a relationship with these two children. But as for her "next" family things really haven't improved much for her.

Having spend 17 years with this person one does get to know her or should I say know of her persona. First allow me to state that I am not a trained professional psychologist and other then her psychological testing order by the court during her divorce with her ex husband I don’t believe she been tested after that time. But if the courts and judge found justifiable cause(s) not to grant her custody of her two other children in their tender years and also granting only “supervised visitation” to said mother. These test(s) must have found something which would validate these judgments.

The following is a list of traits know to be displayed for those that suffer from being NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I have only included traits that I myself have witness over the time period of those 17 years I spend in her company.

When I started looking and researching this issue concerning losers and abusers (PD) what surprised me most was how close these personality traits had indeed been visible and present to me and if only I would have knew what they really meant. Indeed if only I knew of this information I would have been able to get help for her and/or at least protect my children and I from her disorder.

“In general, the more of the following traits a person has, the more likely they have NPD. We are addressing this from the angle of a partnership, although we could (and will in the future) write an entire book on narcissists and the different kinds of traits they have depending on the relationship (parent, sibling, partner, child) they are in:

1) Arrogant toward others. Thinks they are better than everyone else in some (usually unrealistic) way. Very condescending when inappropriate.
2) Lack of empathy for others; inability to sympathize or truly understand the emotions of others. Asking them to, “Understand how I feel,” usually gets you a blank stare or a personal attack that you're, “too sensitive.”
3) Exploits others for their own gain, even if it's in a positive way. (Think the coach who does it “for the kids” but everyone knows it's for his own self-aggrandizement.) In a negative way, they are very much a parasite emotionally and financially. Think the boyfriend who promises to pay you back the rent money for the past six months, yet when he leaves he tells the story that he was supporting you, not the other way around. Or the ex who has you take out a ton of loans to support their lifestyle and leaves you while you're gone at work, taking everything in the house with them. Leaving you with all the bills, of course.
4) Has to have repetitive and constant praise. Their ego is dependent upon what others tell them. If someone bruises their ego and tells them something negative, they can react unreasonably in a rage or withdraw and inappropriately inconsolable.
5) Envies others and are convinced others envy them.
6) They think they are operating on a “higher” plain of morality, intelligence, or are superior to others. Will often flaunt the law, but if caught will beg and plead for mercy or try to talk their way out of it. Often feel they are in an exclusive group of people intelligence-wise, even if they have no proof of this.
7) They exaggerate their achievements and abilities. Always bragging about the same things, over and over, even those things that happened decades earlier. Will tell the same self-important stories over and over again.
8) Seem stuck in a “younger” emotional level. While the public at large might not notice this, the partner will recognize any arguments or emotional debates seem to be taking place with a teenager or adolescent, not a rational adult. You can actually correlate their actions to those of a teenager or child.
9) They tend to indulge themselves in the belief that they are important, handsome/beautiful, have sexual prowess, higher intelligence, better business sense than others.
10) Can be pathological liars and/or dishonest even though they claim they are honest, don't like, and loathe the tendency in others.
11) May be religiously hypocritical. Think Saturday night sinner, Sunday morning saint. The preacher who is caught with a prostitute is a great example. Or even the married, Christian, fundamentalist preacher caught in a gay sex scandal. Or the deacon of the church who has cheated on his wife during their entire marriage.
12) Criticism, even constructive, legitimate and gentle, will usually elicit an unwarranted personal attack.
13) They hate being corrected, especially in front of an audience.
14) Act like they are an expert in nearly any subject. Or if they meet someone they want to have contact with, they will study up on a subject to be seen as knowledgeable by that person.
15) Make you feel crazy. They can say one thing, and literally in the same or next breath, say something totally contradictory. Then they will deny they ever said the first thing and accuse you of being crazy. (Poster‘s comments: and/or will tell you over and over again you have a weak memory but they can remember everything! Can also be used to gaslight the person)
16) Puts on a great front to the world, but treats their partner/family totally differently. Often the life of the party, the great guy.
17) Will frequently monopolize a conversation unless they realize they don't know anything about the topic. In that rare case, they may sit back and study everyone and everything and you can almost see the wheels turning in their head.
18) May have lots of acquaintances, but very few close long-term friends. At least, not ones who are positive influences.
19) Will “suck up” to people they perceive have more power, wealth, prestige, knowledge, etc. than they do. If it's someone they perceive as being “superior” to them, they will ingratiate themselves to that person to be closer to them. If the narcissist ever feels they have become superior, they will discard the person.
20) Very inconsiderate, especially of a partner. But again, they can put on a great front to people who don't know them very well. For example, they may all but ignore a baby, yet when around others they will demand to hold the baby, even though it's the first time they've touched the baby in days.
21) Will “groom” a potential romantic partner, often rushing the romance at a whirlwind rate, planning several dates out in advance, might even mention marriage or moving in together during the first or second date. Will assume to know what you want and will make plans without consulting you. If they consult you, they will do what they want anyway. May act inappropriately to pressure you for sex too soon, or assume you want to go to bed with them.
22) Will rarely consult with partner about decisions. Usually thinks they know better. Will only go along with the partner if it's something the narcissist wants to do to begin with.
23) Will often make the partner late to events the narcissist doesn't want to attend. Or start a fight so the partner won't go or will go without him.
24) Cannot have a logical argument/disagreement. If you show them where they are wrong, in black and white, they will divert the argument, attack you personally, deny they ever did/said what you claim, or do something else to get out of it. If all else fails, they will rage and storm out of the house, leaving you to wonder what just happened.
25) Can be very abusive to their partner, mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. But when the partner tries to leave, they may cry and weep and beg the partner to stay with promises to change. Then things go back to normal within days or weeks.
26) You can see a pattern to their behavior if you are with them long enough. You can chart acting out behaviors, fights, etc. based around events like anniversaries, holidays, and payday.
27) Inconsiderate partner. Expects the partner to do everything but takes full credit for it all and claims the partner never pitches in to help. The partner can never fully live up to the narcissist's expectations.
28) Volunteers their partner to do things for others without consultation or lifting a finger to help. Might even sign the couple up for an event and let the partner do all the work. (Think the man who gets into a multi-level marketing organization and makes their wife do all the work and make all the contacts, yet will take all the credit and dish out all the blame accordingly. Or someone who volunteers their partner to be a caregiver for a sick relative without consulting them first, and if it conflicts with the partner's schedule the narcissist will blame, guilt, and belittle the partner until they give in.)
29) The longer you are with a narcissist, you will notice they only hand out compliments when they want something from you (usually money or sex) or realize they've pushed you too far and want to reel you back in.
30) You feel trapped in the relationship, like you've been reeled in time and again like a fish on a hook.
31) Inappropriate expectations from children. (Demanding they be perfect in grades, sports, etc.)
32) Sexually inappropriate with others; lots of flirting, chatting, emailing to others despite the partner's objections. Can even have multiple affairs.
33) When the partner objects to the narcissist's actions, the narcissist will tell them, “You're imagining things.” “You're crazy.” “You don't know what you're talking about.” “That wasn't me.” “You're stupid.” “You're just jealous.” “It's all in your head.” (Comment from blogger, "You're trying to control me" *also read up on projections.)
34) Can make cruel jokes or comments at someone's expense. When the person objects, they won't apologize, they'll say, “I was just joking. Lighten up – you're too sensitive.”
35) Might love something that gives them narcissistic supply, like a pet or child, but will treat others like objects. But they will frequently abuse the pet or child of a partner. If their narcissistic object disappoints them, they will often abuse or get rid of it or disown it.
36) If you refuse to give the narcissist their “narcissistic supply” they will dump you.
37) If someone they perceive as “superior” to them sees through their mask, they will find ways to avoid them or discredit them. (Comment from blogger: Read smear campaign)
38) Overreacts to real or imagined slights. Yet if someone accuses them of the same thing, they will tell the person they need to lighten up or chill out, they're imagining things, etc.
39) Major double standard. Will hold everyone and everything else to a much higher standard than they hold themselves. Will claim to be at a higher standard while doing the same things they belittle or accuse others of doing.
40) Will often project onto their partner or others. For example, “You're so selfish,” when the truth is it's the narcissist who is selfish.
41) Appearances are everything to them. Not just physical, but things like money, legal situations, business. If the partner dares tells the truth about something in public the narcissist will frequently embarrass them publicly to shut them up. (Comment from blogger: Read smear campaign)
42) Won't hesitate to use public embarrassment or ridicule to keep a partner in line.
43) If you start to ignore them or tune them out, they try everything they can to get your attention (good and bad).
44) Will frequently leave their partner first before the partner can leave them. Or they will keep attempting to drag the partner back to them when the partner leaves.
45) Concerning past hurts, will get angry if you bring up any wrongs they do, but won't hesitate to throw your past in your face.
46) Will often “research” you so they can throw incidents from your past, even before they knew you, in your face.
47) Will use emotional blackmail against you without hesitation, but they usually cannot be emotionally blackmailed.
48) Hate to lose. They are awful to play games with because they are vicious and will gloat about it. If they lose, they are poor losers.
49) You honestly think they come from a different planet and find yourself checking in with others to see if you're crazy or not. (Comment from blogger: Research gaslighting tactics)
50) Will frequently attempt to isolate the partner from friends and family; can be very jealous of partner's time spent away from them; will alienate the partner's friends and family to keep them from coming around; might outright tell the partner who they are and aren't allowed to associate with.
51) Blames everyone and everything else for their problems, especially the partner. Rarely takes personal accountability for a problem, even if it can be proven they are at fault. Will justify and rationalize everything regardless of truth. Nothing is ever their fault, it's always the fault of someone or something else.
52) Always seems to have some crisis going on. Never seems happy if things are “calm” and quiet. Almost seems to thrive on tension and creating chaos in a situation. You might even think they are deliberately trying to start a fight.
53) A narcissist might cry and swear to change, but will go right back to the same behaviors as soon as they feel secure that you are staying. Great at the crocodile tears. Can go from crocodile tears to rage in a heartbeat.
54) Overreacts to everything. Can be interested in model airplanes one day, and the next they are delving into skydiving. There seems to be no middle ground with them – it's all or nothing.
55) They might not want to go out all the time, or they might never want to stay home. The point is, they will always do (or finagle to do) what they want to do regardless of what the partner wants to do.
56) Minimizes the partner's role in the relationship. Especially if they have maneuvered the partner into a position so they are financially dependent upon the narcissist. For example, a woman might have a college degree and gave up a good paying job to be a stay-at-home mom. From that point on, the narcissist systematically works to control the finances and keep the partner dependent upon them. At the same time, they may criticize and belittle the partner for being dependent upon them. Even if it was the narcissist who insisted on the arrangement in the first place.
57) Listen for the key words from the narcissist: I, Me, Mine. When the narcissist tries to convince you not to leave, it will be couched in terms of, “What will I do if you leave?” “What do you expect me to do?” “I won't be able to ___ if you leave.” It will always be statements about them, not about you as a partner.
58) Will frequently portray all of their ex-partners as being at fault. May admit a few things that were their fault for effect, but when you strip away all the stories, everything is blamed on the ex-partners.
59) Will frequently ignore the partner's birthday, anniversaries, holidays. Unless there's an audience, then they will give grandiose gifts in front of them.
60) May make grand gestures to the partner with expectations of sex or special favors. Never gives a gift to a partner without some sort of strings attached.

Remember, there are different types of narcissists. Some are quiet and almost shy in their demeanor, but they still have narcissistic cores. These kind tend to not be grandiose in outward actions, but still have the same beliefs. So they demand extremely high levels of reassurance and attention from those around them. They are extremely vulnerable to criticism because of very low-levels of self-esteem, and instead of responding to criticism with a personal attack, they may withdraw and be nearly inconsolable.”


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder

During our 17 years together I saw this part of her personality many times. At the time I didn’t know about a person who is “Passive Aggressive” so didn’t realize what it was about her that confused me so much. So I am including this part of the blogging so others will understand it and may be able to recognizes it if they see in in their partner and then maybe help them get into counseling.

Peace and Healing
With Dan Williams Psy. D, PA-C

Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder

According to the DSM IV, the essential symptoms are a continuous pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations. This behavior usually begins in early adulthood. However it is also seen in childhood. These individuals frequently resent and resist demands to function at a level expected by others. It is commonly seen in the workplace, but also commonly seen in marriages and other relationships. The behavior is expressed by procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and intentional inefficiency. It is a very common response to a task assigned by someone in authority. When asked to do a certain task, individuals will not do the task, or if they do, may hide the fact it was done. They may call in sick the day the assignment is due. These individuals consistently externalize blame onto others. They take no responsibility for their actions. They become very argumentative. They are very cynical and skeptical. These individuals are envious of others, and resentful of their peers. They have few friends, and usually seek out individuals in their peer network that may be less fortunate than them. They are excellent at looking for sympathy from others. They frequently apologize and state that things will be much better in the future, and usually beg for “another chance.” Their self-confidence is extremely poor, despite a false presentation of assertiveness. Some of these characteristics are also found in individuals with borderline personality disorder, as well as antisocial and avoidant personality disorders.

As indicated above, these individuals usually have issues with those in authority, and it is often revealed in therapy that they have had very domineering parents, either maternal or paternal, who have placed them in situations where they have had to avoid tasks at hand, becoming very manipulative, and excelling at putting things off. It is not uncommon for these individuals to wrap themselves in a cloak of “poor me” syndrome.

Treatment of Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder

Treatment for these individuals usually requires a long process. These patients for the most part have difficulty looking and assessing their behavior. They may eventually see their shortcomings, however will rationalize away their behavior, trying to justify it. One of the goals of therapy is to try to promote self-confidence in these individuals by helping them realize how they are impeding their own success. If they change their behavior, they can become more successful at their jobs, and move up the occupational ladder. It is also important to point out to them their cynical natures. However this should attempted in the first month or two of sessions, as these individuals may quit therapy and run. There is some secondary gain obtained from their behavior. Subsequently, if these individuals can learn to get their secondary gain from other sources and in a more healthy and productive manner, some of the passive-aggressive behavior should dissipate over time.

As with any personality disorder, relapse is very common. In therapy, we try to give individuals tools to work with, so they can catch when their behavior occurs, and there is always an open door policy, and individuals should understand that they can come back at any time for a “tune-up,” if you will, when they do relapse.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Abuser vs the abusee

The Abuser and Abusee

“Abusers like to bring you down to their level”

“You may find yourself becoming abusive in retaliation; in this case the abuser can say you are no better than the abuser. Note: Abusers are much better at arguing and winning so going down to their level means that you have lost; this is a variation of one person hitting another until the other eventually hits back.”

I know there is no such word as “abusee” but please allow me to explain.

Whenever we are involved with an abuser we will abuse as well. The abuser abuses to control and manipulate us. We abuse to fight back and take back what sanity we have left. The abuser destroys our self-esteem our personal power and in short our personality. We are told we are nothing. That no one else will love us and many other words and statements to rob you of all that is you.

We abuse (defend) just to keep our hearts and heads above water from their torrent of constance abuse. Also the abuser will use this as a way to belittle you even more by stating you are just like them but the abuser never see it for what it really is. They abuse to control but we abuse just to stay alive albeit emotional and psychologically.

Whenever we are involve in an dysfunctional relationship we are in a verbal emotional and psychological battle. Never really knowing when and where the next attack will come from. We walk on mines (eggshells) around them never knowing what we do to “bring down the house” no matter how small or large the oversight might be. They fire shots of verbal abuse like a machine gun. They will sabotages events and holidays just like any saboteur in a war. We fight (abuse) to maintain ground and position just like any army will do in a conflict of war.

The abuser fights to win!
We fight to survive!

Please don’t expect an abuser to see this or to acknowledge it so whenever he/she tells you that you are just as bad as them. Don’t believe it for there is a different! A very “big” different from being the abuser and the “abusee”.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Expect Anything

Why is NC so important to me?

One day soon after Dorothy Chambers was gone and we stopped all contact with her by phone because once again she broke a promise made to me that I didn‘t want anyone else to call me or get my personal home phone number which included her family and friends. I told her that if she broke this promise that I would change our home phone number and she would never get the new one. Which she never did. [Please read: Sons Birthday: Personal Journal Part 4]

Dorothy agreed with this but I knew it was only a matter of time before she would break this promise. Remember Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar so one can’t believe any promises made or anything she tells you.

After she broke her promise not to give our phone to anyone else and I having received a call from her now “new” soulmate who threaten me about having my sons who wrote a letter to their mother explaining about how they felt about visiting her or having them call her. I did in fact change our home phone number at that time as agreed and our home phone numbers was changed within 24 hours with the help of us current phone carrier. *Please read Correspondences from 2006.

One day soon after changing our home phone number my oldest son came and told me how his friend’s mother received an unexpected call from some friend of my now ex Dorothy Chambers. My son’s friends mother is from the Philippines so the reader might want to keep this in mind plus she never really knew my ex very well to begin with.

Anyway one night a caller called and got his mother on the phone and then asked for Dorothy Chambers home phone number knowing that my son’s friend had our new number. Of course only Dorothy Chamber would have know this. Only Dorothy Chambers herself had my oldest son’s friend’s home phone number. This along tells me that Dorothy Chambers was behind this deceitful act and condom it.

Well unknown to the caller and I guess Dorothy Chambers as well that my son’s friend and his mother never had a very close relationship and she didn’t know most of her son’s friends let alone their phone numbers. Also to note to reader, his mother forgot to turn off the answering machine so when she answered this call the conversation was accidentally recorded. My oldest son’s friend was nice enough to allow us to listen to the recorded conversation between the unknown caller and his mother.

*Also of interest the caller tried to disguise his voice but did a really bad job at it. We all had a good laugh over that one! We never really knew who this person was but we believe it to be the new boyfriend.

The recorded phone conversation went like this:

Caller: I am close friend of Dorothy. I am looking for her and wanted to know if you could give me her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who do you want?
Caller: I looking for Dorothy Chambers and wanted to know if you have her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: There is no Dorothy that lives here! Why you call me?
Caller: I know she doesn’t live there I just want you to give me her home phone number!
Friend’s mother: I don’t understand, No Dorothy lives here! Why you call me?
Caller: So you won’t give me Dorothy’s home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who is Dorothy? Dorothy doesn’t live here! What you want?
Friend’s mother: Okay then. (Caller hangs up)

Now the friend’s mother didn’t know whom Dorothy Chambers was and also didn’t have that information. I guess because she was from another country they thought they could trick her into giving the caller our new home phone number by telling her they were a friend looking for Dorothy Chambers. These of course are the tall tell signs of a manipulator but it didn’t work with my oldest son‘s friend’s mother. Too bad too sad.

Now we will go back a few days before I heard the recorded message conversation myself....

The night my oldest son came and told me about this call so at the time I thought Dorothy left her new boyfriend and might be back in this state. Remember I at this time don’t know about the recorded conversation just that someone called my oldest son‘s friends mother and asked her for Dorothy‘s home phone number and was "looking for her".

What happens next is something I never experienced before and hope to God never again.

I had a major panic attack but at the time didn‘t know that!

Just with the thought that she might return I started feeling like I was having a heart attack.

I have all the signs....

Numbest in my right arm
Tightness of the chest
Blood rushing to my head
Feeling like I would pass out
Feeling of hopelessness and a sense thread
Feeling like I was would die

I called my brother-in-law and asked him if he would drive to the hospital because I believed I was having a stroke, he did drive me there that night.

The doctors in the emergency room ran all the necessary tests to determine if I indeed was having a stroke or heart attack. But my entire tests came back with a good bill of health and that I wasn‘t having a stoke or heart attack.

The good doctors then suggested I see a psychologist, which I did the following week

All this just thinking she might return? This of course got me thinking what else is wrong with me? So seeing a psychologist sounded like a very good ideal.

Of course this happened three years ago and something like this wouldn’t happen again but it shows the effect these people can have on us in the beginning of our healing and understanding just what we are dealing with. These people are toxic to us so remember things like this can and does happen.

What is really interesting is how I remembered when we were dating and she was having problems with her ex husband. How she wanted me to call him and tell him what a horrible person he was. How I remember telling her how this action on my part in talking with her ex husband would only create more problems and in the end solve nothing. How I explain to her at the time that she needed to deal with her ex husband on issues about their children and that was why I refused to get involved with a relationship from her past and how it was her responsibility not mine. I knew calling and harassing her ex husband was wrong and why I refused to do it. I knew at the time it was the right decision not to get involved with her problems dealing with her ex husband. But I guess her “new soulmate” neither didn’t know this or didn’t care. This makes the caller neither a fool or a pawn for her to use like she wanted to use me when she requested that I call her ex husband.

This is just another tactic manipulators use by getting others to do their dirty work so if it doesn’t work they will just blame the next “soulmate” who should have know better.

Well, I knew better and refused to allow her to use me as a pawn and never called her ex husband concerning these issues concerning her other children.