Sunday, June 14, 2009

Personality Traits: NPD

Personality Traits:

Dorothy Chambers is a person in my opinion who suffers from some type of personality disorder. She was court ordered to be tested by a psychologist when she went through a custody case for her two other children with Joe Guth back in November 3rd, 1989. She lost custody of both her children and was granted only "supervised" visitation rights. She was also ordered to pay child support maintain full time employment for insurance reasons and have a life insurance policy in place for these two children. None of this she did and in the end didn't maintain a relationship with these two children. But as for her "next" family things really haven't improved much for her.

Having spend 17 years with this person one does get to know her or should I say know of her persona. First allow me to state that I am not a trained professional psychologist and other then her psychological testing order by the court during her divorce with her ex husband I don’t believe she been tested after that time. But if the courts and judge found justifiable cause(s) not to grant her custody of her two other children in their tender years and also granting only “supervised visitation” to said mother. These test(s) must have found something which would validate these judgments.

The following is a list of traits know to be displayed for those that suffer from being NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I have only included traits that I myself have witness over the time period of those 17 years I spend in her company.

When I started looking and researching this issue concerning losers and abusers (PD) what surprised me most was how close these personality traits had indeed been visible and present to me and if only I would have knew what they really meant. Indeed if only I knew of this information I would have been able to get help for her and/or at least protect my children and I from her disorder.

“In general, the more of the following traits a person has, the more likely they have NPD. We are addressing this from the angle of a partnership, although we could (and will in the future) write an entire book on narcissists and the different kinds of traits they have depending on the relationship (parent, sibling, partner, child) they are in:

1) Arrogant toward others. Thinks they are better than everyone else in some (usually unrealistic) way. Very condescending when inappropriate.
2) Lack of empathy for others; inability to sympathize or truly understand the emotions of others. Asking them to, “Understand how I feel,” usually gets you a blank stare or a personal attack that you're, “too sensitive.”
3) Exploits others for their own gain, even if it's in a positive way. (Think the coach who does it “for the kids” but everyone knows it's for his own self-aggrandizement.) In a negative way, they are very much a parasite emotionally and financially. Think the boyfriend who promises to pay you back the rent money for the past six months, yet when he leaves he tells the story that he was supporting you, not the other way around. Or the ex who has you take out a ton of loans to support their lifestyle and leaves you while you're gone at work, taking everything in the house with them. Leaving you with all the bills, of course.
4) Has to have repetitive and constant praise. Their ego is dependent upon what others tell them. If someone bruises their ego and tells them something negative, they can react unreasonably in a rage or withdraw and inappropriately inconsolable.
5) Envies others and are convinced others envy them.
6) They think they are operating on a “higher” plain of morality, intelligence, or are superior to others. Will often flaunt the law, but if caught will beg and plead for mercy or try to talk their way out of it. Often feel they are in an exclusive group of people intelligence-wise, even if they have no proof of this.
7) They exaggerate their achievements and abilities. Always bragging about the same things, over and over, even those things that happened decades earlier. Will tell the same self-important stories over and over again.
8) Seem stuck in a “younger” emotional level. While the public at large might not notice this, the partner will recognize any arguments or emotional debates seem to be taking place with a teenager or adolescent, not a rational adult. You can actually correlate their actions to those of a teenager or child.
9) They tend to indulge themselves in the belief that they are important, handsome/beautiful, have sexual prowess, higher intelligence, better business sense than others.
10) Can be pathological liars and/or dishonest even though they claim they are honest, don't like, and loathe the tendency in others.
11) May be religiously hypocritical. Think Saturday night sinner, Sunday morning saint. The preacher who is caught with a prostitute is a great example. Or even the married, Christian, fundamentalist preacher caught in a gay sex scandal. Or the deacon of the church who has cheated on his wife during their entire marriage.
12) Criticism, even constructive, legitimate and gentle, will usually elicit an unwarranted personal attack.
13) They hate being corrected, especially in front of an audience.
14) Act like they are an expert in nearly any subject. Or if they meet someone they want to have contact with, they will study up on a subject to be seen as knowledgeable by that person.
15) Make you feel crazy. They can say one thing, and literally in the same or next breath, say something totally contradictory. Then they will deny they ever said the first thing and accuse you of being crazy. (Poster‘s comments: and/or will tell you over and over again you have a weak memory but they can remember everything! Can also be used to gaslight the person)
16) Puts on a great front to the world, but treats their partner/family totally differently. Often the life of the party, the great guy.
17) Will frequently monopolize a conversation unless they realize they don't know anything about the topic. In that rare case, they may sit back and study everyone and everything and you can almost see the wheels turning in their head.
18) May have lots of acquaintances, but very few close long-term friends. At least, not ones who are positive influences.
19) Will “suck up” to people they perceive have more power, wealth, prestige, knowledge, etc. than they do. If it's someone they perceive as being “superior” to them, they will ingratiate themselves to that person to be closer to them. If the narcissist ever feels they have become superior, they will discard the person.
20) Very inconsiderate, especially of a partner. But again, they can put on a great front to people who don't know them very well. For example, they may all but ignore a baby, yet when around others they will demand to hold the baby, even though it's the first time they've touched the baby in days.
21) Will “groom” a potential romantic partner, often rushing the romance at a whirlwind rate, planning several dates out in advance, might even mention marriage or moving in together during the first or second date. Will assume to know what you want and will make plans without consulting you. If they consult you, they will do what they want anyway. May act inappropriately to pressure you for sex too soon, or assume you want to go to bed with them.
22) Will rarely consult with partner about decisions. Usually thinks they know better. Will only go along with the partner if it's something the narcissist wants to do to begin with.
23) Will often make the partner late to events the narcissist doesn't want to attend. Or start a fight so the partner won't go or will go without him.
24) Cannot have a logical argument/disagreement. If you show them where they are wrong, in black and white, they will divert the argument, attack you personally, deny they ever did/said what you claim, or do something else to get out of it. If all else fails, they will rage and storm out of the house, leaving you to wonder what just happened.
25) Can be very abusive to their partner, mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. But when the partner tries to leave, they may cry and weep and beg the partner to stay with promises to change. Then things go back to normal within days or weeks.
26) You can see a pattern to their behavior if you are with them long enough. You can chart acting out behaviors, fights, etc. based around events like anniversaries, holidays, and payday.
27) Inconsiderate partner. Expects the partner to do everything but takes full credit for it all and claims the partner never pitches in to help. The partner can never fully live up to the narcissist's expectations.
28) Volunteers their partner to do things for others without consultation or lifting a finger to help. Might even sign the couple up for an event and let the partner do all the work. (Think the man who gets into a multi-level marketing organization and makes their wife do all the work and make all the contacts, yet will take all the credit and dish out all the blame accordingly. Or someone who volunteers their partner to be a caregiver for a sick relative without consulting them first, and if it conflicts with the partner's schedule the narcissist will blame, guilt, and belittle the partner until they give in.)
29) The longer you are with a narcissist, you will notice they only hand out compliments when they want something from you (usually money or sex) or realize they've pushed you too far and want to reel you back in.
30) You feel trapped in the relationship, like you've been reeled in time and again like a fish on a hook.
31) Inappropriate expectations from children. (Demanding they be perfect in grades, sports, etc.)
32) Sexually inappropriate with others; lots of flirting, chatting, emailing to others despite the partner's objections. Can even have multiple affairs.
33) When the partner objects to the narcissist's actions, the narcissist will tell them, “You're imagining things.” “You're crazy.” “You don't know what you're talking about.” “That wasn't me.” “You're stupid.” “You're just jealous.” “It's all in your head.” (Comment from blogger, "You're trying to control me" *also read up on projections.)
34) Can make cruel jokes or comments at someone's expense. When the person objects, they won't apologize, they'll say, “I was just joking. Lighten up – you're too sensitive.”
35) Might love something that gives them narcissistic supply, like a pet or child, but will treat others like objects. But they will frequently abuse the pet or child of a partner. If their narcissistic object disappoints them, they will often abuse or get rid of it or disown it.
36) If you refuse to give the narcissist their “narcissistic supply” they will dump you.
37) If someone they perceive as “superior” to them sees through their mask, they will find ways to avoid them or discredit them. (Comment from blogger: Read smear campaign)
38) Overreacts to real or imagined slights. Yet if someone accuses them of the same thing, they will tell the person they need to lighten up or chill out, they're imagining things, etc.
39) Major double standard. Will hold everyone and everything else to a much higher standard than they hold themselves. Will claim to be at a higher standard while doing the same things they belittle or accuse others of doing.
40) Will often project onto their partner or others. For example, “You're so selfish,” when the truth is it's the narcissist who is selfish.
41) Appearances are everything to them. Not just physical, but things like money, legal situations, business. If the partner dares tells the truth about something in public the narcissist will frequently embarrass them publicly to shut them up. (Comment from blogger: Read smear campaign)
42) Won't hesitate to use public embarrassment or ridicule to keep a partner in line.
43) If you start to ignore them or tune them out, they try everything they can to get your attention (good and bad).
44) Will frequently leave their partner first before the partner can leave them. Or they will keep attempting to drag the partner back to them when the partner leaves.
45) Concerning past hurts, will get angry if you bring up any wrongs they do, but won't hesitate to throw your past in your face.
46) Will often “research” you so they can throw incidents from your past, even before they knew you, in your face.
47) Will use emotional blackmail against you without hesitation, but they usually cannot be emotionally blackmailed.
48) Hate to lose. They are awful to play games with because they are vicious and will gloat about it. If they lose, they are poor losers.
49) You honestly think they come from a different planet and find yourself checking in with others to see if you're crazy or not. (Comment from blogger: Research gaslighting tactics)
50) Will frequently attempt to isolate the partner from friends and family; can be very jealous of partner's time spent away from them; will alienate the partner's friends and family to keep them from coming around; might outright tell the partner who they are and aren't allowed to associate with.
51) Blames everyone and everything else for their problems, especially the partner. Rarely takes personal accountability for a problem, even if it can be proven they are at fault. Will justify and rationalize everything regardless of truth. Nothing is ever their fault, it's always the fault of someone or something else.
52) Always seems to have some crisis going on. Never seems happy if things are “calm” and quiet. Almost seems to thrive on tension and creating chaos in a situation. You might even think they are deliberately trying to start a fight.
53) A narcissist might cry and swear to change, but will go right back to the same behaviors as soon as they feel secure that you are staying. Great at the crocodile tears. Can go from crocodile tears to rage in a heartbeat.
54) Overreacts to everything. Can be interested in model airplanes one day, and the next they are delving into skydiving. There seems to be no middle ground with them – it's all or nothing.
55) They might not want to go out all the time, or they might never want to stay home. The point is, they will always do (or finagle to do) what they want to do regardless of what the partner wants to do.
56) Minimizes the partner's role in the relationship. Especially if they have maneuvered the partner into a position so they are financially dependent upon the narcissist. For example, a woman might have a college degree and gave up a good paying job to be a stay-at-home mom. From that point on, the narcissist systematically works to control the finances and keep the partner dependent upon them. At the same time, they may criticize and belittle the partner for being dependent upon them. Even if it was the narcissist who insisted on the arrangement in the first place.
57) Listen for the key words from the narcissist: I, Me, Mine. When the narcissist tries to convince you not to leave, it will be couched in terms of, “What will I do if you leave?” “What do you expect me to do?” “I won't be able to ___ if you leave.” It will always be statements about them, not about you as a partner.
58) Will frequently portray all of their ex-partners as being at fault. May admit a few things that were their fault for effect, but when you strip away all the stories, everything is blamed on the ex-partners.
59) Will frequently ignore the partner's birthday, anniversaries, holidays. Unless there's an audience, then they will give grandiose gifts in front of them.
60) May make grand gestures to the partner with expectations of sex or special favors. Never gives a gift to a partner without some sort of strings attached.

Remember, there are different types of narcissists. Some are quiet and almost shy in their demeanor, but they still have narcissistic cores. These kind tend to not be grandiose in outward actions, but still have the same beliefs. So they demand extremely high levels of reassurance and attention from those around them. They are extremely vulnerable to criticism because of very low-levels of self-esteem, and instead of responding to criticism with a personal attack, they may withdraw and be nearly inconsolable.”


1 comment:

chandra said...

Your tips will definitely come in handy. Thanks for writing a great article! Great article. Concise and to the point.

Personality Traits Questionnaire