tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37172409867196611282024-03-05T11:19:40.452-06:00Dorothy Chambers: Personality DisorderMy personal journey in understanding and learning about personality disorders and the toxic affects this has on people’s relationships and their children. I hope by sharing my site with others that they too can learn and heal from having a person or persons in their life that are dysfunctional and have cause them so much emotional pain and suffering.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-10478021711335754132015-11-25T09:44:00.001-06:002015-11-25T09:44:37.502-06:00Your rain<span style="font-size: large;">Those that suffer from personality disorders seeking love but for whatever reason they just can't find that love within themselves. For no one can see me crying in the rain.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-38462721889755732992015-08-20T21:11:00.002-05:002015-08-20T21:11:52.100-05:00The False Parent<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The False Parent due to this disorder must be addressed whenever anyone who wants children or have them before getting involved with that person...</span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-86054294959199058402014-03-24T08:19:00.001-05:002014-05-24T13:53:52.193-05:00Female Narcissism<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-48013921400356472282013-08-26T09:23:00.001-05:002013-08-26T09:59:15.481-05:00Trying to keep them accountable is keeping you hooked<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In my long recovering and then also involved in other sites that educates the general public about personality disorders, I found this thread labeled : <b>Trying to keep them accountable is keeping you hooked</b>, from the site Menwhoareabuse.com.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I believe that the writer is correct that whenever we try to manage and/or control other people’s lives, we do become “hooked” or in another view involved and acceptances for their behavior. While we are in fact “hooked” or invested in the lives of our love ones, we should challenge behavior we find unacceptable from dysfunctional toxic partners to our children and ourselves. In healthy stable relationship we should feel secure too expect accountability from both partners. <br /><br />My reply to this thread was:<br /><br /><b>“You Can't make this stuff up”</b><br /><br /><i><b>Right on Man!!<u><br /></u></b></i><br />Once a neighbor of ours witness her running over my son’s ramp that I made for him for skate-boarding. I heard her yelling at Jesse inside of the house, so I came outside to see what all the noise was about and what she was upset about to be screaming at our son. <br /><br />At the time my neighbor was standing outside his house door and saw Dorothy run over the skate-board ramp as she backed up our van to leave. <br /><br />When Dorothy saw me coming out of the house, she began screaming at me for making the skate-board ramp for Jesse.<br /><br />After witnessing this event by Herb my neighbor who was laughing at the time, said to Dorothy.</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“You first screamed at Jesse for leaving it there by the side of the road. You then screamed at James for building the skate-board ramp for Jesse, but remember Dorothy, you were the one that ran over it!"</span></span></b></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Readers, if looks could kill that would have as she looked hard at Herb in perfect silence, said nothing to us and then got into the van and drove away at top speed...<br /><br />Remember readers, love ones get the top abuse from their dysfunctional toxic abusers but sometimes friends and neighbors get a free pass..<br /><br />Side note to readers: Dorothy never mentioned that event ever again, I believe because a neighbor witnessed her rage at her own family and abusers hate witnesses too their abusive behavior. </span><br />Source: <a href="http://www.menwhoareabused.com/" target="_blank">Men Who are Abused</a></span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-42105418940034021572013-08-10T11:26:00.003-05:002015-08-25T18:42:58.817-05:00Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-45355465414516341352013-05-23T10:18:00.000-05:002014-03-24T08:26:36.659-05:00The Greatest Truth Never Told<blockquote>
There are only two types of people in this world.
Those who want to be left alone and
Those who refuse to leave you alone.
Those that live grace and those that only seek to dominate.
Those that don't leave you alone are hurt people, who are
from this competitive world and have become like their abusers.
Who only want an eye for an eye.
They seek to pleasure themselves, but also for others
Too please them too.
They seek admiration, that they can not find within themselves.
They seek to be loved, for they can not love themselves.
They force relationships based on money and manipulation, because
this is all they know.
They seek to dominate others because they can not hold on to others.
They do not know of grace and love, so they seek to destroy, that which
they can't understand.
Destruction is far easier for them, then to look at themselves change or
addressing a past hurt.</blockquote>
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Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-73241686100316319072013-03-28T09:21:00.001-05:002013-08-26T09:49:09.298-05:00Evilbully.com<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I seem to have my own web site called evilbully.com due to the fact that I'm the only one on it. And for those responsible for it I personally thank you. Those that suffer from personality disorder will (as stated many times before) never take responsibility for their actions and will always need to shift blame away from themselves. Which is one reason they are what I call the “perfect victim”. This trait is one you will always witness whenever meeting a new Dysfunctional Toxic Person (DTP) if dating them and/or involved with business with them. <br />
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One thing any “real” victim must understand is how they the victim need to take their own personal responsibility in that relationship, again albeit a personal or business relationship. This is how one goes from becoming a victim to a survivor. Unlike our counter part the Dysfunctional Toxic Person (DTP) who again tell others how much past wife husband family members or business partners have hurt them taken advantage of them lied to them and so forth and so forth. The DTP never moves from being the victim to becoming a survivor. Due to this shift to blame others and never look at themselves by taking part in an abusive relationship, they stay the victim for today tomorrow and all their yesterdays. Sad but true!<br />
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Yes I too must and do take full responsibility for my part in that dysfunctional toxic relationship. Learn from it and then grow from that pain. Unless I do take full responsibility for my part then I will forever remain the victim. Seeking out other “Dorothy Chambers” which will only repeat this sick dysfunctional toxic dance between two sick twisted souls. <br />
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In healing and then becoming a survivor, I will be stronger wiser and more spiritual then before. My heart and mind free from “denial”. No longer seeking out those who are themselves spiritually dead. You see dear readers when God judges me and then ask me why I did this or that. I need to have his answers with a pure heart. And only the blood of Christ can do that...<br />
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Anyway, here is what is written on “evilbully.com” which seem I am the only one on it. I do hope readers will enjoy it as much as I did...<br />
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Welcome To Evil Bully were we the victims are taking back our lives and not letting the person or persons be bullies to us. A bully can be anyone..in any setting. Bullies at our schools, places of work, even in general public. The internet has given bullies a huge gift, to be able to reach enormous amounts of people and remain completely anonimous. There is one site called dating psychos that is ruining people's lives. The domain owner Gene Onweller (google it...it will change!) encourages people to post horrible things about their ex's and paint them as a psycho..!! When the victim who has been profiled on that site contacts the site owner he suggests a donation of $100 to remove the profile and then never does. That is illegal to take money from someone without giving service..This clown uses more than one alias another is Pat McGroin....sounds innocent right....Pat M'groin really???? This man has several screws missing in necessary places. What is this teaching our children? This is teaching them it is alright to be a bully but don't get caught at it. Sadly, I became a victim by being friends of a victim. Instead of getting mad, I decided to open up a site where victims can post information about the evil bully and a picture to warn people.. Why should victims be silent? If these sites can stain a person's internet search of their own names, then us victims can use the same technologies to make the taunters out to be the heinous Neanderthals they are. This all started when I googled my own name in 2009 and to my horror I was linked in to one of my old friend's idiot of an ex-boyfriend who had a rant going on her. He was using Dating Psycho website to carry on an endless tirade which sucked people not even in the family into it's black hole. Thanks to this future emolyers may be led into this crap by merely searching my name.<br />
Back in Jan of 2013 both my friend and I contacted dating psychos website and here is the response that I've got.<br />
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Datingpsychos.com Webmaster webmaster@datingpsychos.com via amn1.aodhosting.com <br />
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Jan 9<br />
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to me<br />
Thank you for contacting us. While your question or comment is very<br />
important to us, we receive hundreds of emails and do not have time to<br />
reply or handle every request.<br />
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If you feel you need more immediate attention please read the notice at<br />
http://www.datingpsychos.com/notice<br />
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Pat<br />
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As of March 20th 2013 I was informed by e-mail that the law and a National Talk Show is after Gene Onweller and was encourage to file a complaint with the FBI if I had paid him money for the service to take down the profile.. Thank God I didn't give into the extortion but sadly many people did.<br />
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UP DATE:<br />
gothim@hushmail.com<br />
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10:47 AM (44 minutes ago)<br />
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to gothim<br />
If you've established any further information on Gene Onweller, or have started legal action, please let me know. I've set aside just over $30,000 for a class action lawsuit that the FBI and a small but very aggressive and talented legal team is putting together. I have a set list of documents that they need me to collect. There are already enough victims that have stood up and offered their information for our lawsuit, so I don't need your personal information. All what I could use is any additional information you might have. Such as emails from Pat McGroin and your Paypal receipt. Additional emails that he sent you using his pen name, Pat Mcgroin (a testimate to how 'psycho' this guy is).<br />
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We've established and properly documented, with proof, 7 accounts of illegal activity from Gene Onweller. Your support will add extra value to the burden of proof that we're coming up with. Government isn't the fastest group of workers, but they're sick and tired of getting reports on Gene Onweller and DatingPsychos. And my financial commitment is connecting the dots to make sure he is shut down for good and put behind bars. The paperwork is already filed and submitted to the FBI, we're just gathering up extra documentation and could use your help!<br />
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Someday soon this will be over! He will either be behind bars or spending the likely hundreds of thousands of dollars he collected illegally trying to defend himself in court.<br />
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EVIL BULLY OF THE WEEK GOES TO: JAMES PHILLIPS OF: East Stroudsburg, PA, United States<br />
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This poor of a excuse of a man not only verbally abuse his victims by posting lies about them on line... He beat up his ex-girlfriend the mother of his children if she did not do what he demanded.. He thinks he has No faults but everyone does in life.. Ladies this man is no prince charming... Save yourself and RUN when you encounter this man.. His Ex-girlfriend suffered 17yrs. of being abused by this dead beat low life scum. It took her courage to leave him.. He isolated her from her family and friends to get her in his control. You have been warned that this person is a EVIL BULLY.<br />
If you have a evil bully that you would like to add to the site you can contact me here evilbully13@gmail.com<br />
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<a href="http://evilbully13.wordpress.com/2013/03/28/the-birth-of-evilbully-com/" target="_blank">Evilbully.com</a><br />
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<br />Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-90912273965216942712012-05-28T03:52:00.000-05:002013-03-29T06:17:09.718-05:00Closure<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Many victims from Toxic Dysfunctional Relationships ask about closure from the abuser. One thing I have learned about those who suffer from a Personality Disorder is that they don't accept responsibility and will project blame onto others for mistakes within that relationship. Also, such as a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) you were once a source of supply (Narcissistic Supply) for them and may also have help them and assisted them with money attention or whatever they were looking for in you. So closure isn't something they want plus it's too much like giving and remember they don't share anything. No, sorry but if you want any type of closure. Then you will have to give it to your-self. Closure is within you and due to it being so personal it must come within your own mind body and soul. I like to list a few types of closure I have experience in my own personal healing and self empowerment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The closure of a relationship born in lies will die a thousand deaths.</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Closure for me came in parts. What I mean is whenever I accept a part of my own reality as too what I was dealing with and then accept that new part of reality for myself I gain a portion of a personal closure. One part I would like too share is just how dysfunctional and toxic my life had become due to having an dysfunctional and toxic relationship with someone who will never be able to accept her part and responsibility in a normal and functional relationship. How this person never wanted to change even through on many times she acted as she could. Yes, three times we attended therapy but never once did she see her part and responsibility in this relationship. By giving false hope in a relationship doom to fail is both toxic and dysfunctional. Closure came when I accepted this reality and knew it was time to walk away then once and for all to allow this lie of even being able to have a relationship with my ex to ever becoming a reality for us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The closure of what is wrong with me?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Once I accepted the reality that this relationship was doom from the beginning I wonder what's wrong with me. So then closure came in portions of questions. Real soul searching questions. Many of these answers took me back to my own childhood and the relationships I had with those who raised me. Accepting the reality that I was raised in a toxic and dysfunctional family environment since birth. Wondering why my birth mother left me as a child. Why my father was unable to love me due to having an chemical dependency. Sad days as a child that the only thing I wanted for Christmas were parents due to having too live in a foster home with people who nether love me nor care about me. Having lost all contact with my siblings, the very first relationships I had as a new born. It's no wonder why my own personal goal was to have my "own" family even as a young child. Accepting the reality that I was not only psychologically and emotionally abuse but also sexually abused as a child. Yes, dear readers there is much wrong with me and as I started to accept my own reality and responsibility of these types of abuse. Only then did both healing and closure was allow to happen within me. That this child yet still remain inside of me, needed both love too heal and allow to love back with forgiveness and the knowledge of abuse that did happen to him. That this broken child can be heal and allow to become no longer the victim but a survivor. Maybe this is why my lord and savior asked of me to forgive my enemies for only then can real closure and acceptance happen within our souls?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The closure of a cycle of abuse.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I have to be able to see and acknowledge abuse whenever it happen to anyone I love care about or even a stranger in a strange land. I needed to stop the cycle of abuse. My own personal acceptance and acknowledgment of my own abuse on others. I had to understand that if I abuse anyone at anytime during this life, I must go to them and beg for their forgiveness. Pride is a dog that needs a master and training. I came to understand that the only way to stop abusive behavior begins with me and then ends with me. If I don't allow abuse within me do you think I would allow it in others? If I want abuse to end then I must become a example of a person that will never tolerate abuse in my personal life and more importantly in myself, therefore I must lead by example. Words are easy but actions are stronger and longer lasting. If I want abuse to end, then I must understand my own personal responsibility for it's existence. The cycle of abuse ends only when it begins with me and will end with me. A closure of both personal acceptance and responsibility for ending abusive behavior in myself but also in others. Abuse comes in many forms so that one must be open too all types of abuse. So like a small fire if one see abuse, then stamp it out for if not then it came grow just like a forest fire. So I need to lead by example and hope others will follow to end this cycle of abuse.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The closure of self forgiveness and acceptance</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">While forgiveness comes from both God and people, I came to understand how I needed to forgive myself for wrong done to others and myself. Isn't beating yourself up and not letting go of these wrong a form of self abuse? I believe in is. The acceptance that I am not a perfect person and can and do abuse others is a personal reality and one I must take personal responsibility for. While I desirer to be the best father possible I understand and acknowledge that I not. While I want to be the best possible partner possible at times, the truth is I'm simple am not. So while I must go to those I wrong for forgiveness and how I must understand that I need to try harder, still with the understanding that I have limitation and many personal flaws within me. <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Self forgiveness and self acceptance is a form of self love. If I can't forgive and accept this limitation in myself, how can I forgive and accept that in others. If one can forgive one self then one can forgive others, if one can accept limitations in one self then on can accept that in others and then and only then if one can love one self then they will be able to love others.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: courier new;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-51946270618949597042012-01-29T05:03:00.004-06:002012-07-08T04:24:24.065-05:00Cause and Effect<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6J9SjVckgOMweNHzYaHPAI4czF_i2ekXdRD2CxGIJP5m2ea9hzj946ozJVVAylEhkWwjMKKYOJQNqkq2f9cAkkK6rRoFHM-WOHB5esvzZw7OMqDRrmJ3CnqL8vZe8Fu7pRt40F-7zMDCa/s1600/usethis+blog.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5703008183558170066" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6J9SjVckgOMweNHzYaHPAI4czF_i2ekXdRD2CxGIJP5m2ea9hzj946ozJVVAylEhkWwjMKKYOJQNqkq2f9cAkkK6rRoFHM-WOHB5esvzZw7OMqDRrmJ3CnqL8vZe8Fu7pRt40F-7zMDCa/s320/usethis+blog.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 240px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 320px;" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;">Whenever we come into contact with anyone, it will always come with the Cause and Effect factors. With Compassionate loving and open people we share this trait with them if we too have these attributes to share. With a co-partner with empathy and love can contribute much to our growth albeit emotionally psychologically and spiritually. Which in part we must give back to them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">But the Cause and Effect from a toxic dysfunctional partner brings about a different beginning and then end...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Those that suffer from a personality disorder bring little and then nothing more to a relationship. Much as a parasite, they will feed on the co-partner by taking more and more. A PD (personality disorder) like one that suffers from the cluster B has lost the ability to grow and learn from mistakes they made from other relationships. Because much like the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), He/She had to learn to survive from a defense stand learned early in life from their parent(s) and/or caretaker. All Children are born with this Narcissistic defense due to it being important to their very mortality and survivor. It's not a learned trait; it is an inherent ability from a long history of mankind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Soon our children mature and learn that they are not the center of all things. That mother and father too have their own needs emotions both positive and negative. This Narcissistic shield that the child is born with, gets chip away little by little as they grow, until there is but a small amount left to insure a healthy normal self-respect. It's this "chipping" away effect that causes the young person to know and feel empathy for others..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">But for those who suffer from a personality disorder, something within that child goes wrong. Having suffers from those who should have protected the child, this effect didn't happen. The person who should have loved that child didn't, so again this effect never happened. Instead of building up the child, it was used and sometimes even abused. Again this had a deep effect on that child.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">So this child learned not to open up to that parent(s) or caretaker. So many times it only cause that child pain albeit emotionally and psychologically. This child learned early on to depend only on it self. The child has learned early to be what the parent(s) or caretaker wants for any type of acknowledgment or attention from them. The child learns to pretend lie and manipulate to get what she/he wants. All of this and more have caused this child to remain in a Narcissistic shell, protected from a hostile and unwelcoming environment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Love it-self has for this child becomes a lie and a weakness. As this child becomes an adult, He/She will build yet more walls due to all of the lies and so many secrets they them self have. The Causes of suffering from a personality disorder is many and we are still learning more and more year by year. It's not sure what percentage is environmental and what is inherent. But the effect(s) on a child born within a dysfunctional toxic family can cause that child to become just as toxic and dysfunctional as their parent(s) or caretaker.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Still most of my concern and attention goes to the many victims. Much like myself, I too must look deep within my self and inner child. Searching for my own "Cause and Effect" of a childhood born into it's own dysfunctional toxic family. We know that a cause and effect from this dysfunctional toxic parent(s) can cause the child to suffer from a personality disorder, but it can also have the ability to have a broken child to become a victim as well. Some of us from these types of dysfunctional homes spend the rest of our life looking for what we didn't get from our parent(s). We have been condition to look for people like our dysfunctional parent(s). That in a way by "helping" them we can somehow correct the mistakes our parent(s) made on us. By loving the unlovable, we will be loved by a parent unable to love us. By fixing them (PD) we can somehow turn back the clock of time with our dysfunctional and unlovable parent(s).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">A very good piece on this is from Joanna Ashmun web site Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): How to recognize a Narcissist.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">“If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist. Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way.”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"> Only by learning this flaw within ourselves and correcting it will we begin to understand that we need to love ourselves first, so that then we can give it to others. If we want to stop being the "victim", then we must stop putting ourselves in positions where we can be come victimized. What is needed here is a strong understanding of boundaries and healthy self-esteem. That we acknowledge we are part of the problem but we also can become the solution too this broken dysfunctional record being recycled over and over again within relationships where both love and respect for the other doesn’t exist. That giving and never getting any type of exchange from our effort is wrong on so many levels. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">We don’t work on others that we can’t fix; no we start working on ourselves where it can and needs to be fixed. We stop being the victim (broken child) and then begin being the survivor from a broken home and dysfunctional relationship we had with our parent(s) or caretakers. We began to understand the Causes and then the Effects in our personal life, accepting the fact we are part of the problem but also the solution to this cause and effect. One thing that separates all of us from each other is secrets and lies. So that we must rid ourselves of all personal secrets and all the lies we tell ourselves so then lost of those regrets will follow..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">If only our counter-parts the abuser can learn this, then and only then will they too rid themselves of all secrets and many personal regrets.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"> </span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-56964067558214478982012-01-29T03:48:00.003-06:002012-02-03T00:21:14.027-06:00What it Feels like to be Me<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/SwcZR_9bO3Y?fs=1" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" width="459"></iframe>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-63248035680443414192011-12-30T07:33:00.020-06:002012-05-18T23:18:13.554-05:00Why NC is Important to me...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaS8enf1nBfzQmpMWwpUbLlCu2CAYblcqDsf_a_4UvBOWytlyz2V4Kxd_dKLP1IPfWSub9pK3iWeOlW_daBCHKX2nHSSDuFqZYCcPNTfSxW3oJf5kb8sAYqxtWaxlI5JWd9rp6QGhhcpy4/s1600/Josh+Toby+%2526+Mom.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691914644963826322" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaS8enf1nBfzQmpMWwpUbLlCu2CAYblcqDsf_a_4UvBOWytlyz2V4Kxd_dKLP1IPfWSub9pK3iWeOlW_daBCHKX2nHSSDuFqZYCcPNTfSxW3oJf5kb8sAYqxtWaxlI5JWd9rp6QGhhcpy4/s320/Josh+Toby+%2526+Mom.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 319px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 320px;" /></a>
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<span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-family: lucida grande; font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">One day soon after Dorothy Chambers was gone and we stopped all contact with her by phone because once again she broke a promise made to me that I didn‘t want anyone else to call me or get my personal home phone number which included her family and friends. I told her that if she broke this promise that I would change our home phone number and she would never get the new one. Which she never did.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dorothy agreed with this but I knew it was only a matter of time before she would break this promise. Remember Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar so one can’t believe any promises made or anything she tells you.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">After she broke her promise not to give our phone to anyone else and I having received a call from her now “new” soulmate who threaten me about having my sons who wrote a letter to their mother explaining about how they felt about visiting her or having them call her. I did in fact change our home phone number at that time as agreed and our home phone numbers was changed within 24 hours with the help and assist from our current home phone carrier. Please read:</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><a href="http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/03/correspondences-from-2006.html" style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/03/correspondences-from-2006.html
</a><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">for more information concerning the letters mailed too Dorothy Chambers.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But please back to my story. One day soon after changing our home phone number my oldest son came and told me how his friend’s mother received an unexpected phone call from some friend of my now ex Dorothy Chambers. My son’s friends mother is from the Philippines so the reader might want to keep this in mind when reading this, plus she never really knew my ex very well to begin with.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyway, one night a caller called and got his mother on the phone and then asked for Dorothy Chambers home phone number knowing that my son’s friend had our new number. Of course only Dorothy Chamber would have know this. Only Dorothy Chambers herself had my oldest son’s friend’s home phone number. This along tells me that Dorothy Chambers was behind this deceitful act and consented the phone call.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Well unknown to the caller and I can only guess that Dorothy Chambers as well, that my son’s friend and his mother never had a very close relationship and she didn’t know most of her son’s friends, let alone their phone numbers. Also to note to the readers, his mother forgot to turn off the answering machine when she answered this call so that this conversation was accidentally recorded. My oldest son’s friend was nice enough to allow all of us to listen to the recorded conversation between the unknown caller and his mother.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">*Also of interest the caller tried to disguise his voice but did a really bad job at it. We all had a good laugh over that one! We never really knew who this person was but we believe it to be the new boyfriend.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The recorded phone conversation went like this:</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Caller: I am close friend of Dorothy. I am looking for her and wanted to know if you could give me her home phone number?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Friend’s mother: Who do you want?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Caller: I looking for Dorothy Chambers and wanted to know if you have her home phone number?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Friend’s mother: There is no Dorothy that lives here? Why you call me?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Caller: I know she doesn’t live there I just want you to give me her home phone number!</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Friend’s mother: I don’t understand, No Dorothy lives here! Why you call me?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Caller: So you won’t give me Dorothy’s home phone number?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Friend’s mother: Who is Dorothy? Dorothy doesn’t live here! What you want?</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Caller: Okay then. (Caller hangs up)</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Now the friend’s mother didn’t know whom Dorothy Chambers was and also didn’t have that information. I guess because she was from another country the tricksters thought they could trick her into giving the caller our new home phone number by telling her they were a friend looking for Dorothy Chambers. These of course are the tall tell signs of a manipulator but it didn’t work with my oldest son‘s friend’s mother simply because she really didn't know Dorothy Chamber, nor had our home phone number. Too bad too sad.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Now let's go back a few days before I heard the recorded message conversation myself....</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The night my oldest son came and told me about this call so that at the time I thought Dorothy Chambers left her new boyfriend and might be back in the state of Illinois. Remember I at this time don’t know about the recorded conversation just that someone called my oldest son‘s friends mother and asked her for Dorothy‘s home phone number in this state. Dorothy Chamber was now living in Wisconsin and not Illinois. So I thought to myself, why would the caller look for her here. Dorothy's own family knew she lived in Wisconsin and had contact with her so it couldn't have been through them. Also due to the fact Dorothy's friends (the few she had) no doubt knew nothing or little about her decision to leave her children and moved to Wisconsin, so it wouldn't have been them. No, whoever called that night knew exactly where Dorothy Chambers was and it wasn't in Illinois.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">What happens next is something I never experienced before and hope to God never again.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I had a major panic attack but at the time didn‘t know that!</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Just with the thought that she might return to Illinois, I started feeling like I was having a heart attack!</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I have all the signs....</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Numbest in my right arm</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Tightness of the chest</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Blood rushing to my head</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Feeling like I would pass out</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Feeling of hopelessness and a sense thread</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Feeling like I was would die</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I called my brother-in-law and asked him if he would drive to the hospital because I believed I was having an heart attack! He did drive me there that night.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The doctors in the emergency room ran all the necessary tests to determine if I indeed was having a stroke or heart attack. But my entire tests came back with a good bill of health and that I wasn‘t having an attack.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The good doctor then suggested I see a psychologist, which I did the following week.</span><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><br style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">All this just thinking she might return? This of course got me thinking what else is wrong with me? So seeing a psychologist sounded like a very good ideal.</span><br face="trebuchet ms" /><br face="trebuchet ms" /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Of course this happened five years ago and something like this wouldn’t happen again but it shows the effect these people can have on us in the beginning of our healing and understanding just what we are dealing with. These people are toxic to us so remember things like this can and do happen. The psychological and emotional damage done by abusers is long standing and can invade your now peaceful life and a state of serenity in a heartbeat...</span></span></span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-62887081199363953812011-07-28T19:34:00.008-05:002011-07-28T20:02:28.734-05:00Remember they are nothing but Cowards.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6AGl-TnnzNwtvVtgbgrI4t_Y-5h7GueaoSTN50bsRuqvvgoQLraDtV06kpV4aa1XA1h-HYs2wsZ2zSQyPST35aQBMopHjO0YwBvVvqGm4Vpt34UbIDUL51Yv8Ra04n6C4AxmcPFQBw36Q/s1600/The-cowardly-lion-the-wizard-of-oz-4109278-550-412.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6AGl-TnnzNwtvVtgbgrI4t_Y-5h7GueaoSTN50bsRuqvvgoQLraDtV06kpV4aa1XA1h-HYs2wsZ2zSQyPST35aQBMopHjO0YwBvVvqGm4Vpt34UbIDUL51Yv8Ra04n6C4AxmcPFQBw36Q/s320/The-cowardly-lion-the-wizard-of-oz-4109278-550-412.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5634566655444068834" /></a><br /><br /><br />One continues behavior I have witness throughout my experience with toxic dysfunctional people ( i.e. Personality Disorders) is they are cowards. I believe most if not all those involved with a TDP (Toxic Dysfunctional Person) will also bear witness to this behavior albeit a business or personal relationship. Remember readers, like cowards TDP are very good at hiding their true self so one must really look hard and with a open mind whenever one gets involved with one. A coward will always scarifies others to save their own skin so if one is involved with a TDP, get out as quickly as possible… <br /><br />Much like a vampire TDP too fear the light of truth. And also like a coward will run hide and deny the truth and sometimes to their own death. But we should remember that these people aren’t monsters to fear but people who suffer from a personality disorder. Anyway, behind their mask one will find the coward hiding much like a child afraid of the dark. In fact many relate to just how immature and child like their actions can be if one was to confront and/or challenge them at anytime throughout the relationship. If challenged we see tears or rage or both. But what one really wants to look for is just how immature and out of control these behavior patterns are. Also to remember is that the tears are always for themselves but the rage is always directed at you. So to them you are the cause for their tears and the source of their rage. Remember like a true coward their best defense if a good offense. If one challenges a coward like maybe their character or behavior, they will in turn challenge your character or behavior. TPD will always do the same.<br /><br />This cowardice will be displayed throughout custodians cases. Acting and wanting the court system to see them as victims and the abused parent, fighting the good fight for their children. Sad but true is too often lawyers judges and the court system is all but to happy to bestow them that. Also they want their own children to see them as the victim as well. Hiding the truth how they are in fact the abusers. This cowardice is displayed to family and friends as well. Again displaying themselves as the victim. And like a coward they are very good at this display of victim-hood having done and displayed this behavior pattern over and over again to gain whatever it is they want. To a coward the ends always justifies the means. In war time soldiers (cowards) have been know to injury themselves to get out of fighting knowing they will be sent back to a service hospital. TDP themselves have also been know to threaten and/or injury themselves to get sympathy from family and/or friends. For more information on this, I suggest reading more on Munchausen syndrome. Yet another personality trait for those that suffer from a personality disorder. Those that kill themselves are view by society as cowards, so the saying goes “he/she took the cowardly way out”. TPD ( i.e. Borderline Personality Disorder) are best know for this type of cowardly behavior.<br /><br />Abusers do all their dirty work behind closes doors and away from public sight. Much like the coward does. They feel more comfortable attacking one behind their backs then to face them. Cowards can only gain respect by tearing down others, again much like a TDP. Cowards can’t be believed and their words are worthless knowing they will say anything to get them out of trouble or to gain something they want. Much like a TDP will. Lying is just a tool for them and will use it whenever they please. Coward hide behind a false mask, again much like TDP would. If ever their world starts to fall apart, just watch these cowards run and hide. Man, if it wasn’t so sad it would indeed be funny. But it’s their cowardly behavior that does so much damage and heartache to the real victims. <br /><br />Readers here is a test, just think about a cowardly behavior then think about your ex. Was this behavior ever display by him/her? I myself have done this test before about my ex and again and again I see just how much of a coward she has always been. Cowards in the end never get what they want also much like a TDP won‘t…<br /><br />I remember a old saying:<br /><br />“A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave person dies but once”<br /><br />How true, oh how very true…. <br /><br />So readers, whenever you think they (TDP) have the upper hand over you, remember just how much of a coward and child like (immature) they really are! So in ending just like a coward these TDP are nothing less then losers users and abusers. Showing us over and over again the true colors and behavior of a Coward…<br /><br /><br />The Wikipedia defines Cowardice as:<br /><br />“Cowardice is the perceived failure to demonstrate sufficient robustness and courage in the face of a challenge. Under many military codes of justice, cowardice in the face of combat is a crime punishable by death (cf. shot at dawn). The term describes a <span style="font-weight:bold;">personality trait</span> which is viewed as a negative characteristic and has been shunned and disdained (see norms) within most, if not all cultures, while courage, typically viewed as its direct opposite, is generally rewarded and encouraged.<br /><br />Cowards are usually seen to have avoided or refused to engage in a confrontation or struggle which has been deemed good or righteous by the wider culture in which they live. On a more mundane level, the label may be applied to those who are regarded as too frightened or overwhelmed to defend their rights or those of others from aggressors in their lives.<br /><br />Source: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coward">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coward</a><br /><br /><br />One thing about this definition by Wikipedia is how it calls it a “<span style="font-weight:bold;">personality trait</span>”. So that in so much as to whenever I refer to a TDP, I am referring to a person who suffers from a personality disorder. So we do come to the conclusion that a coward and those who suffer from a Personality Disorder do share this type of personality trait.<br /><br />So in ending readers, again I like to remind you that if ever you feel they have the upper hand and power over you. Please remember that it’s only temporary for cowards are cowards until the ending of their long sad days…..<br /><br />But the remembrance and songs of our heroes will be sung until the ending of mankind and his and hers children's children..Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-86670915242433897442011-06-16T16:35:00.015-05:002011-06-16T18:47:49.462-05:00Toxic RelationshipsOne of my favorite song and whenever I listen to it, I think about those struck in a toxic relationship and how no one in this relationship will grow from it, albeit it emotionally psychologically or spiritually.<br /><br />If you are in one, please get out for this road always leads to the same place...<br /><br />Someplace I myself have no desire nor need to go too again..<br /><br />Something one person is crazy about due to it being passionate to them is one thing but being obsessional about it? Well, that's just CRAZY..<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vV-XSXkhCP0?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-84472915756471379032011-06-05T20:31:00.005-05:002011-06-05T20:49:18.712-05:00Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB6sFPhqzE_KDwCui-1nNP7w3qU2LX32sOj39Vt1opNJgN7rxP6r5jXO2aNW2VOaw8YwLyFfyE_PNMIevj58qrYdQSZX-uHCfiAWg953MuTvCB2_HVrKn1FSJ76gJIlVH8q2g9Kv9JOryZ/s1600/187186_100001683709764_4498902_n.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 216px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB6sFPhqzE_KDwCui-1nNP7w3qU2LX32sOj39Vt1opNJgN7rxP6r5jXO2aNW2VOaw8YwLyFfyE_PNMIevj58qrYdQSZX-uHCfiAWg953MuTvCB2_HVrKn1FSJ76gJIlVH8q2g9Kv9JOryZ/s320/187186_100001683709764_4498902_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614916151416077330" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:times new roman;" ><br /><br /><br />Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Enmeshment. At the extreme of boundary dissolution is enmeshment, a lack of acknowledgment of the separateness between the self and other. Minuchin (1974) described the enmeshed family as one in which family members are overly involved with and reactive to one another, such that "a sneeze brings on a flurry of handkerchief offers." On the positive side, such families may provide feelings of mutuality, belonging, and emotional support. However, at the extreme, enmeshment interferes with the child's development of autonomy and individual agency. Changes in one family member quickly reverberate throughout the entire family system and may be perceived as threats to the family togetherness. For example, adolescence may precipitate a crisis when a young person begins to assert his or her own independence, such as by expressing the desire to go away for college (Kerig, in press-a).</span> <span style="font-family:times new roman;">In psychodynamic theory enmeshment is the initial state of being from which all children must wrest their sense of individual selfhood. According to separation-individual theory (Mahler, Pine, and Bergman 1975), infants originally experience themselves as part of a symbiotic relationship with their mothers. Over the course of infant development, inevitable failures in perfect empathy and wish-fulfillment help children to recognize that their mother is a separate individual with her own thoughts and feelings. However, in pathological development, emotionally deprived mothers may feel threatened by the infant's emergent sense of individuality and act in ways so as to promote and prolong this sense of parent-infant oneness. The consequences to the child can be severe, interfering with the ability to forge and assert a separate sense of identity. For example, enmeshment in the parent-child relationship is believed to be central to the development of borderline personality disorder, a syndrome characterized by the inability to preserve a cohesive sense of self and to maintain emotional boundaries between the self and other (Pine 1979). At a lesser extreme, childhood enmeshment predicts young adults' attachment insecurity and preoccupation with their families of origin (Allen and Hauser 1996).<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Intrusiveness. Intrusiveness, also termed psychological control, is characterized by overly controlling and coercive parenting that intrudes into the child's thoughts and emotions and is not respectful of the autonomy of the child (Barber 1996). Whereas enmeshment is characterized by a seamless equality ("we feel alike"), the intrusive relationship is a hierarchical one in which the parent attempts to direct the child's inner life ("you feel as I say"). Psychological control may be carried out in ways that are more subtle than overt behavioral control. Rather than telling the child directly what to do or think, the parent may use indirect hints and respond with guilt induction or withdrawal of love if the child refuses to comply. In short, a psychologically controlling parent strives to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings in such a way that the child's psyche will conform to the parent's wishes.<br /><br />Longitudinal data show that infants of intrusive mothers later demonstrate problems in academic, social, behavioral, and emotional adjustment in first and second grades (Egeland, Pianta, and O'Brien 1993). Psychological control also is predictive of anxiety and depression in children (see Barber 2002) and of delinquency, particularly in African-American youth (Walker-Barnes and Mason 2001).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Role-reversal. Role-reversal, also termed parentification, refers to a dynamic in which parents turn to children for emotional support (Boszormenyi-Nagy and Spark 1973; Jurkovic 1997). Although learning to be responsive and empathic to others' needs is a healthy part of child development, parentification involves an exploitative relationship in which the parents' expectations exceed the child's capacities, the parent ignores the child's developmental needs, or the parent expects nurturance but does not give it reciprocally (Chase 1999). A parent engaged in role-reversal may be ostensibly warm and solicitous to the child, but the relationship is not a truly supportive one because the parents' emotional needs are being met at the expense of the child's. Further, children are often unable to meet these developmentally inappropriate expectations, which may lead to frustration, disappointment, and even anger (Zeanah and Klitzke 1991). In fact, parents' inappropriate expectations for children, such that they provide nurturing to their parents, are a key predictor of child maltreatment (Azar 1997).<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Research shows that, over the course of childhood, young children who fulfill their parents' need for intimacy have difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions (Carlson, Jacobvitz, and Sroufe 1995) and demonstrate a pseudomature, emotionally constricted interpersonal style ( Johnston 1990). In the longer term, childhood role reversal is associated with difficulties in young adults' ability to individuate from their families (Fullinwider-Bush and Jacobvitz 1993) and adjust to college (Chase, Deming, and Wells 1998).<br /><br />Parent-child role reversal also is associated with depression, low-self esteem, anxiety (Jacobvitz and Bush 1996), and eating disorders (Rowa, Kerig, and Geller 2001) in young women. Due to cultural expectations that associate caregiving with the feminine role, daughters may be particularly vulnerable to being pulled into the role of "mother's little helper" (Brody 1996; Chodorow 1978). Consistent with family systems theory (Minuchin 1974), boundary violations also are more likely to occur when the marital relationship is an unhappy one and the parent turns to the child for fulfillment of unmet emotional needs (Fish, Belsky, and Youngblade 1991; Jacobvitz and Bush 1996).<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Role-reversal may take different forms, depending on the role the child is asked to play. Parents might behave in a child-like way, turning to the child to act as a parenting figure, termed parentification or child-as-parent (Walsh 1979; Goglia et al. 1992); or they may relate to the child as a peer, confidante, or friend (Brown and Kerig 1998), which might be termed adultification or child-as-peer. Although providing a parent with friendship, emotional intimacy, and companionship ultimately interferes with the child's individuation and social development outside the home, the negative implications of a peer-like parent-child relationship may be less severe than a complete reversal of roles in which the parent relinquishes all caregiving responsibilities.<br /><br />Role reversal can also occur between adults, such as when an adult turns to the spouse to act as a parent, seeking guidance and care instead of a mutually autonomous relationship, termed spouse-as-parent (Boszormenyi-Nagy and Spark 1973; Chase 1999). Another form of role reversal occurs when the parent behaves in a seductive manner toward the child, placing the child not in the role of parent or peer, but of romantic partner.</span> <span style="font-family:times new roman;">Spousification. Of particular concern to Minuchin (1974) was the blurring of the boundary between the marital and child subsystem, which can lead children to become inappropriately involved in their parents' marital problems. This may take the form of a compensatory closeness between an unhappily married parent and a child of the other sex, termed spousification (Sroufe and Ward 1980) or child-as-mate (Walsh 1979; Goglia et al. 1992). Although spousification is often considered to be a form of role-reversal, it is distinguished by the fact that the parent is seeking a special kind of intimacy—perhaps even including sexual gratification (Jacobvitz, Riggs, and Johnson 1999). For example, Sroufe and colleagues (1985) found that emotionally troubled mothers, many of whom were survivors of incest, engaged in seductive behaviors with their young sons while responding in a hostile way toward daughters. However, the relationship between spousification and gender may be more complex.<br /><br />When marital conflict spills over onto parent-child relationships it also may take a hostile form, termed negative spousification or spillover (Kerig, Cowan, and Cowan 1993). Spillover of marital tensions may cause a parent to view a child in the same negative terms as the spouse, thus blurring the boundaries between them (e.g., "You sound just like your father"; "You're your mother's daughter, aren't you?") (Kerig, in press-b). Research has shown that maternal stress and depression increase the risk of negative spousification that, in turn, predicts anxiety and depression in school-age children (Brown and Kerig 1998).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Read more: Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution - Gender, Theory, Family, Development, Child, Parent, Role, Reversal, Children, and Relationship:<br /><br /></span> <a style="font-family: courier new;" href="http://family.jrank.org/pages/172/Boundary-Dissolution-Dimensions-Boundary-Dissolution.html"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissoluti</span>on</a></span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-88579251753490211792011-05-18T16:00:00.006-05:002012-05-05T13:49:02.875-05:00menwhoareabused.comA good friend of my James has a great site on men who suffer from emotional psychological and sometimes physical abuse from they partners. Also James has constructed some very good videos between the abuser and victims both on his site and YouTube. These videos take time and energy but James does it to help all those victims who are trying to understand why their relationships suffers so much just as my did at one time. Here is a sample of those videos:<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/24sjYlydAuw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I hope visitors to my site will review James videos and leave comments for I know they have helped so many victims to understand and see how any type of toxic dysfunctional relationship is a never ending struggle and a hopeless cause for the victim. James is helping so many people so please help him to help others. It isn't what we say that will define us in the end but what we have done
On a personal note:
James, thank you so much for your site and the many videos! I hope you kept up the good work and kept making more of these type of videos!!
I thank you all and may God Bless!Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-74982932974680921302011-02-27T19:22:00.010-06:002012-05-05T14:01:19.057-05:00One who will never be forgotten...<div style="font-weight: bold; text-align: center;">
In Memoriam<br />
Joanna Ashmun<br />
1948 - 2009<br />
User's Note:</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Joanna's e-mail account at halcyon.com has been closed.<br />
I prefer not to alter her text, but the mailto: links embedded<br />
in it no longer function.<br />
<br />
The discussion group "Joanna Ashmun Memorial" on Facebook.com<br />
has been created to provide a forum for users who may wish<br />
to memorialize the effect her work here has had on their lives.<br />
<br />
John Ashmun<br />
February 10, 2011<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) :</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">How to Recognize a Narcissist</span><br />
<br />
We all have to deal with difficult people. Some days we can be pretty difficult ourselves. Recognizing the difference between normal difficulties and personality disorders can be crucial to decisions about entering new relationships and continuing existing relationships. The material on Narcissistic Personality Disorder that is published for lay readers is not very informative, even though most people have had to cope with a narcissist at one time or another. If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, then you've been taught that the narcissist is always right and you're the one who's wrong. A lifetime of such mistreatment typically instills lack of confidence in your own judgment, along with habitual shame at never getting it right or being good enough to deserve the air that you breathe. The children of narcissists may not have realized that the quirks and oddities of their impossible-to-please parents are not in any way unique or special but are in fact the symptoms of a personality disorder. The information on the Web is very repetitive and amounts to little more than the diagnostic criteria from DSM-IV. Clinical descriptions of Narcissistic Personality Disorder don't describe the things that are most shocking and puzzling in everyday interaction with narcissists.<br />
<br />
This material is offered for comfort and solace to people who've had bad (or merely weird) experiences with narcissists. If you're looking for ammunition to attack someone, please look elsewhere. If you're looking for a diagnosis, you'll need to consult a psychiatrist. If you're looking for help with your term paper. I've written entirely from my own experience and personal interest; I'm not a therapist or counselor, have no relevant credentials, and can't refer you to lawyers.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html">http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html</a></div>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-10540022066568048372011-02-12T04:55:00.009-06:002011-02-13T07:37:22.381-06:00Emotional Memory Management<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_P4TPRBtloVlh9LbYJg7mSYvuz2oYtIUSu26mvUL5HNKiUBK9fGdsY0n_6fBTN5yiINAHad3-lubZ6TYQe1AYQ9BanKpl6gmqhzaQYjX3_MVV929q7AX3oOP-_b5joNf42UORiQSa6gkf/s1600/list-repository-files.png"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 236px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_P4TPRBtloVlh9LbYJg7mSYvuz2oYtIUSu26mvUL5HNKiUBK9fGdsY0n_6fBTN5yiINAHad3-lubZ6TYQe1AYQ9BanKpl6gmqhzaQYjX3_MVV929q7AX3oOP-_b5joNf42UORiQSa6gkf/s320/list-repository-files.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5572755601770110866" border="0" /></a><br /><br />This article written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist helped me very much when first dealing with my emotional and psychological stress/memory after living with my ex for 17 years of a unchangeable emotional roller coaster ride with her. People who suffer from Personality disorders do so much hurt and harm too victims that the mess we deal with in the aftermath of a toxic relationship sometimes seems impossible. One must remember that as a person we are not only dealing with our hearts but also our heads. Both must be address in a honest open and accepting way. In the beginning of my relationship I saw things that should have alerted me, still I allow (red flags) them to go unchallenged. I felt something (gut feelings) that I should have explored, still I didn't? How can I know that something like this will never happen again to me? Because I now know that if I understand myself (emotionally and psychologically) better internally, I will know others more fully. It's the lies we tell ourselves that hurt more then any lie another will tell us.<br /><br />Reprogramming dealing with and cleaning up all the toxin inside of one's soul heart and mind are in fact the first baby steps that will leads us to become the survivors and never again the victims..<br /><br />My personal quest with this started May 22, 2006 and still I walk many times this lonely path. But never with sorrow and never looking back...<br /><br />It's my hopes that this article will help you as much as it did for me...<br /><br /><a href="http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html"><br />http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html</a><br /><br /><br /><h1 align="center">Emotional Memory Management:</h1> <h2 align="center">Positive Control Over Your Memory</h2> <p align="center"><br />Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist </p> <p><br /><br />Every second we are alive, our brain functions. At a very basic level it maintains our breathing, our blood flow, our body temperature, and other aspects that allow us to stay alive and thinking. Emotional Memory Management , or EMM, is concerned with the thinking and memory part of brain functioning. Almost every aspect of daily functioning is directly related to our memory. As you read this document, your brain recognizes words and provides definitions as you read - pretty fast operating when you think about it! While this discussion is not concerned with reading or word-memory, it is concerned with the manner in which the brain pulls memory files, makes those files, and how those files influence our daily life. </p> <p>The following discussion is based on psychological and neurological research, combined with on-going theories regarding memory, thought control, and therapy/counseling. Several theories and the results of research have been combined by the author in a manner which allows the practical and daily use of advanced knowledge on topics of memory and brain functioning. As research in this area continues, the author anticipates new, neurological definitions of previously-labeled psychological concepts such as "the subconscious" or the various defense mechanisms. </p> <p>While the underlying theories are very technical, the concept is presented in a nontechnical manner. After reading this information, you are encouraged to practice the techniques, be curious about how your file system works and observe it in operation, and make the most of the new knowledge and understanding available. </p> <p><strong>Introduction </strong></p> <p>A psychologist does not need to inform individuals about memory, we all know what memory is. Memory allows us to recognize faces of old classmates, remember old songs, remember good times and bad times, and remember important information about events/experiences in our life. Much like a modern-day computer, the brain stores memories in a system of files. In the past, these files were thought to contain only information or data, much like the files in an office contain patient information or file in a computer contains words or numbers. As science advances, we are beginning to know more about the brain and how it stores memories. </p> <p>Recent studies in psychology and neurology tell us that the files contain not only data/information, but emotions as well. In a manner that is still partially unknown, the brain has the ability to store not only memories but emotions as well - as they occurred at the time the memory was made. </p> <p>Memory files thus contain two parts, the information about the event and the feeling we had at the time of the event. Graphically put: </p> <p>Memory file = Information + Feelings at the time </p> <p><strong>How Memories Are Made... </strong></p> <p>The brain has specific areas in which information is stored or that operate certain areas of the body. The ability to tap the left forefinger is located in the right side of the brain for example. The left side of the brain contains language capability while the right side contains our ability to view objects in space. Memory for faces is located in the right side of the brain while the name of the individual is located in the left side of the brain. This is why we can recognize an old school mate almost immediately but the brain may require several seconds to obtain the name. If anxious, impairing recall, the name won't come to us for several minutes after the recognition. </p> <p>The brain contains multiple memory systems. Remembering how to ride a bicycle, known as procedural or implicit memory, involves a different memory system than remembering the year Columbus discovered America, known as declarative or explicit memory. Studies tell us we can have two types of memory for the same situation, especially if the situation/experience is one associated with strong emotions. For a single experience (traumatic event, good event, emotional experience, etc.) we can have an explicit memory - a memory of the details of the experience, and an implicit memory - a memory of the emotions connected to the experience. Explicit memory has also been called "emotional memory" because it contains the memory of the physiological response at the time of the experience. This physiological response may include increased blood pressure, higher respiration, muscle tension, anxiety, fearfulness, and other reactions associated with fear, terror, fright, or even joy. </p> <p>In neurological studies, the memory for details (explicit memory) has been linked to the brain structure known as the hippocampus. Memories made by the hippocampus are very much under our conscious control, as when remembering the words to "Jingle Bells" or our birthday. Emotional or unconscious memories are linked to the brain structure known as the amygdala. Some of these unconscious (out of our conscious control or not purposefully remembered) are procedural as when the brain memorizes how to ride a bicycle - you don't have to think about it - you simply hop on and ride away. Other emotional memories are a record of the physiological/emotional response we have experienced during an event. </p> <p>When we experience a very emotional event, the brain records not only the details of the experience (where we were, when, who was there, what happened, etc.) but the emotions we experienced at the time as well. The entire memory of an emotional event (an assault, an automobile accident, a wedding, death of a loved one, a combat experience, etc.) is actually remembered by two systems in the brain and stored in two separate areas of the brain. </p> <p>When we remember horrible or traumatic events, the brain often remembers both the details and emotional memory at the same time. If we remember the details of being assaulted, we will also experience the feelings we had at that time - the increased heart rate, fearfulness, panic, and desperation. </p> <p>As we will soon review, the brain has the ability to remember the details and the emotions both on purpose and by accident. The brain also has the ability to remember one part of the memory without another part surfacing. As we go through life, the brain may also have an experience that prompts an emotional memory but does not bring up the details of the experience. </p> <p>Detail memory will often see someone at a distance and offer a "best guess" as to their identity. As the person moves closer, the "best guess" offered by the brain may be true or false. Emotional memory works the same way, looking at a current situation/experience and offering a "best guess" by remembering a previous emotional situation. This is the reality of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and emotional trauma. We may emotionally relive a combat memory when we hear a car backfire or emotionally feel as if we are being assaulted if someone jokingly grabs us from behind. </p> <p>It is hoped that this article will explain how emotional memory works and how it can be managed for those who are haunted by the experiences of their past. </p> <p><u>Daily Memory </u></p> <p>Throughout the day, we experience a variety of good, bad, and in-between experiences. A specific memory area of the brain will hold memories for about five days, to see if they are important. Memories that are not important are usually "dumped" or erased after the five day waiting period. These erased memories can never be recovered. As an example, we don't remember how many times we turn on a light unless it shocks us or blows up. </p> <p>We can store and create memory with data only, as when memorizing spelling words or learning math. The brain will memorize with frequent repetition or constant use. However, if a memory file containing only data is not frequently used, the memory slowly fades away. Examples: 1) Can you calculate square root by hand? 2) Do you remember the names of all your high school teachers or classmates? In the second question, chances are you can remember those who also have an EM file! </p> <p>Most of us cannot remember our many trips to the grocery store or service station. However, we will always remember times which have a good or bad value such as the time a store was robbed when we were there, the time an old lady threatened us over a can of green beans, or the time we spilled gasoline all over our clothes in one of those self-serve pumps. We don't remember washing our car unless that spray wand at the car wash facility got loose and just about gave us a skull fracture. In short, if a daily memory does not have a strong good or bad emotional value, it is faded out. </p> <p>As years pass, we build up quite a file system. We build up a collection of good memories and bad memories. Our brain has the ability to pull these memories at the drop of a hat - almost instantly. As an example, read the following questions and watch how fast your brain pulls the file: </p> <p>1. Name some songs by the Beatles. </p> <p>2. Where were you when the space shuttle exploded? </p> <p>3. Where were you when John F. Kennedy was assassinated? </p> <p>4. Who was your favorite high school teacher? </p> <p>As you can see, your brain instantly pulls a file when a question is asked. Importantly, you have no control over what file is pulled, how fast it is pulled, or what is in the file. For example, younger adults and teenagers may have no "file" on the Kennedy assassination. They were not around at the time or old enough to make a memory of that experience. As an additional example, every older adult remembers almost every detail of where he/she was when Pearl Harbor was attacked on December 7, 1949. </p> <p>Those with emotional memories can not only give you the exact details, but a variety of random and irrelevant details surrounding the event. This is how powerful "emotional memory" (EM) can be. </p> <p>Those of you with a "Pearl Harbor" file might have rapidly noted that the above date of the attack was incorrect, it should have been 1941. If you had a file for that date in history, you might have immediately noted the error. When we have no file however, our brain does not alert us to errors. This example is used to illustrate just how fast the brain can not only react, but notice mistakes. This is another automatic brain activity. </p> <p><strong>How Files Affect Us... </strong></p> <p>An emotional memory file is a neurological/brain activity. The brain makes, organizes, sorts, and controls it's files. Remember, the file contains two parts, information and emotion. After years of neuropsychological research, we have come to the following rules regarding file control. Each rule will be explained in detail: </p> <p><u>Rule:</u><strong> The brain operates on chemicals.</strong> These chemicals produce emotional responses in the brain and body. Just like a certain combination of flour, sugar, butter, and other foods can combine and produce a German chocolate cake, these chemicals combine in our brain to produce certain moods, reactions, and feelings. </p> <p>Just like an automobile contains various fluids (brake, window washer, transmission, oil, anti-freeze, etc.), the brain operates on chemicals known as "neurotransmitters". While the subject is too technical for this paper, it is known that these brain chemicals called "neurotransmitters" produce various emotional conditions. Like the oil in our automobile, neurotransmitters have a normal level in the brain and can be "low" or "high" depending upon certain situations. Some typical neurotransmitters: </p> <p><u>Serotonin:</u> Perhaps the most actively researched neurotransmitter at this time, serotonin is known to be related to depression, headaches, sleep problems, and many mental health concerns. When serotonin is low in the brain system - depression and other mental health problems are produced. Low Serotonin is also associated with bulimia, a severe eating disorder, where the body craves sweets and carbohydrates in a desperate effort to raise serotonin levels. Antidepressants, such as Prozac and Zoloft, work by increasing serotonin in the brain. As our Serotonin level returns to normal, our depression lifts. </p> <p><u>Dopamine:</u> Abnormally high levels of this neurotransmitter in the brain produce paranoia, excitement, hallucinations, and disordered thought (schizophrenia). Abnormally low levels produce motor or movement disorders such as Parkinson's Disease. </p> <p><u>Norepinephrine:</u> Related to anxiety and depression, high levels in the brain produce strong physical-anxiety manifestations such as trembling, restlessness, smothering sensations, dry mouth, palpitations, dizziness, flushes, frequent urination, and problems with concentration. A "panic attack" is actually a sudden surge of norepinephrine in the brain. </p> <p><u>Endorphins:</u> Substances produced by the body that kill pain or produce a feeling of well-being. In marathon runners, these substances are responsible for the "runner's high". Also produced during pregnancy, a sudden increase near delivery-time creates that need to rearrange furniture, go dancing, or clean house. </p> <p>The levels of these chemicals or neurotransmitters in the brain create our mood. A chronic low level of serotonin, as when experiencing long-term severe stress, produces strong depression. The low serotonin creates symptoms such as: </p> <p>- Frequent crying spells </p> <p>- Loss of concentration and attention </p> <p>- Early morning awakening (about 4:00 am) </p> <p>- Loss of physical energy </p> <p>- Increase in thinking/mind speed, pulling bad memories </p> <p>- "Garbage" thoughts about death, dying, guilt, etc. </p> <p>- Loss of sexual interest </p> <p>Emotional Memory files contain instructions for the brain to use these neurotransmitter ingredients to produce the mood in the file. We note that all antianxiety, antidepressant, and antipsychotic medications focus on changing the levels of these chemicals in the brain. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>Thoughts change brain chemistry. </strong></p> <p>That sounds so simple but that's the way it is, with our thoughts changing neurotransmitters on a daily basis. If a man walks into a room with a gun, we think "threat", and the brain releases norepinephrine. We become tense, alert, develop sweaty palms, and our heart beats faster. If he then bites the barrel of the gun, telling us the gun is actually chocolate, the brain rapids changes its' opinion and we relax and laugh - the jokes on us. </p> <p>We feel what we think! Positive thinking works. As the above example suggests, what we think about a situation actually creates our mood. Passed over for a promotion, we can either think we'll never get ahead in this job (lowering serotonin and making us depressed) or assume that we are being held back for another promotion or job transfer (makes a better mood). </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>The brain is constantly, every second, pulling files for our reference. It scans and monitors our environment constantly. </strong></p> <p>You've heard people compare the brain to a computer. Like a computer, the human brain has a huge database containing billions of files (memories) for our reference. As you read this document your brain pulls definitions of words or phrases. As we meet people during daily activities, the brain pulls their "file" for their name and related information. You'll note that with people we haven't seen for many years the brain recognizes the face first (a talent located in the right side of the brain) but often takes a while to locate the name (located in the left side of the brain). As the left-brain contains language and speech, it's more crowded over there and processing is a bit slower. </p> <p>If we travel to another city, the brain pulls up the map and landmarks. Additionally, if we are a frequent traveler to that city, our journey to Cincinnati, Ohio will pull files as we travel. Just sit back and listen to the "file pulling" that takes place on a trip. "Hey Mom, remember the bathroom in that gas station from last year - Uck!" "This is where that bad wreck was a few years ago coming back from the beach." If the brain recognizes something (road, building, sign, etc.) - it pulls its' file. It's that simple. </p> <p>Always on the alert and ready to pull a file, the brain has built-in protection behaviors. People that are shy and introverted (socially uncomfortable and withdrawn) tell therapists that when they enter a restaurant, people look at them, creating anxiety. It's true. When anything enters our range of scanning, almost like our radar range, the brain looks at it. A person walking into a room is "scanned" by almost everyone else, that scanning procedure taking about two seconds. The brains looks 1) to see if we have a file/reference and 2) for protection. If the new individual is odd-looking, carrying a weapon, or naked - the brain will start a full-scan and react accordingly (long stare, fright, or "Don't I know you?). </p> <p>Individuals with physical features that are unusual will tell us about the common "double takes" they receive at grocery stores. At the same time, other people may dress unusually for exactly that reason. Some people enjoy the constant attention and double-takes that are produced by wearing a safety pin in your nose or coloring your hair bright yellow. </p> <p>In the bottomline, your brain is always scanning and looking for references/files. These references are designed to help you, as when remembering an old friend, the location of the store in a mall, or when remembering needed facts/details. This is an automatic procedure, a reflex and instinct. To override or cancel this natural/normal procedure requires manual control. As an example, it is said that in a "sophisticated" restaurant, you know the diners have "class" when the busboy loudly drops a tray of dishes - and no one looks up! Now that's overriding the normal brain response. </p> <p>Pulling these files automatically is great - unless they contain uncomfortable emotional memory. This is where another rule is important. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>The emotional part of a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds after a file is pulled. </strong></p> <p>In mental health situations, this is perhaps the most important neurological rule. Once we pull a file, after 90 seconds the emotional component begins. Our mood starts to change, returning us to the mood which was present when the file was made. As an example, remember someone discussing the recent death of a loved one. The first two minutes of conversation may go well - then they become sad. The longer the file is out (being discussed), the more the emotional component surfaces to the point that they will become tearful. If the file remains out, the exact feelings made at the time of the funeral and death will surface - they will talk about loss, love, guilt, or whatever other feelings are in the file. </p> <p>As another example, ask someone about the biggest fish they have caught. When the file is pulled you will receive about two minutes of data, the where and when. Once the memory relives the catch, the person's eyes will widen, their energy level will increase, they may begin arching their back as though illustrating a tough fight, and their entire mood and posture will move as though simulating the reeling-in of a fish. Again, after about two minutes, the emotional component begins to act on our brain chemistry, changing our mood/feelings back to that time. </p> <p>Socially, imagine having a "bad file" on an individual in the community. You are minding your own business and shopping at Kroger's. You turn the corner only to be confronted by Mr. X. What happens is this - your brain immediately pulls the file, you are somewhat confused at first, and your emotion of anger, fear, or whatever is in the file begins to surface. Even though you may not have seen the individual in 10 years, the Emotional Memory (EM) file is still active and wide-awake in your brain. This explains how many people can say that simply seeing an enemy or disliked person can ruin their entire day. If the file is not properly controlled, the mood will remain for the rest of the day. </p> <p>The goal in file control is to prevent the 90 - second emotion from coming to the surface. We all have bad files but most people try to control them by preventing the emotional part from bothering them. They do this by putting the file away before the two-minute time limit. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>The brain only allows one file out at a time. </strong></p> <p>This rule of brain operation is easy to understand. Much like a television, VCR, or tape player, only one channel/program/tape is allowed to operate at a time. The brain works the same way. </p> <p>As you read this paper, your brain is focusing on information in the paper. Luckily, the brain will focus on anything we choose, or will play any file or tape we choose. If you suddenly decide to stop reading this paper and watch television, your brain will completely go along with that idea. </p> <p>Also, your brain can switch files at the speed of light. As an example, allow your brain to change files as your read the following sentences: </p> <p>1. Where was your best vacation? </p> <p>2. Who is your favorite relative? </p> <p>3. Think about the person who last died in your family. </p> <p>As you read those questions, you brain immediately pulled the files to provide you with the information. The first two questions were rather routine and even if the files were allowed to remain open, would probably not cause much in the way of emotional distress or upset. However, what about the third file. If we allowed it to stay open, we may start thinking about departed grandmother, parents, or close friends. That file, after the two-minute limit, would make us feel sad, lonely, and create all the feelings associated with grief. Importantly, the brain doesn't care whether it's thinking about a departed relative or your favorite song. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>The brain doesn't care which file is active. </strong></p> <p>Like the body, the brain operates many times on automatic. Our breathing operates the same way. We can take control of our breathing and inhale, exhale, inhale, and so forth. We can also ignore our breathing, the brain will switch to automatic, and we will breath anyway. </p> <p>The brain operates the same way. It will automatically pull files as we go about our day. As we see fellow co-workers, friends, or neighbors, it will automatically pull their file - that's how we remember their name and information about them. The brain does this automatically. Importantly however, the brain really doesn't care which file is out. However, the fact that the brain operates on automatic is important to us. </p> <p>When the brain operates on automatic, the files it pulls are greatly influenced by our mood. For example, if you are severely depressed, if your brain is left on "automatic," it will pull nothing but bad, trash, and garbage files. When depressed, due to the brain chemistry involved, our brain will automatically pick bad files to torment us. Our brain will pull every bad file it can find, often far back into our childhood. As long as the depressed brain operates on automatic, it will continue to make us miserable by pulling every file which has guilt, depression, and a bad mood in it. It will play a series of our "worst hits". </p> <p>Remember, we can change files at will. Since the brain really doesn't care which file is active, a depressed mood can be changed by simply switching the brain to manual, taking more control over our thoughts. This is especially helpful when a bad file is pulled accidentally. This fact will be discussed further in this paper. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>Like the files, the brain only allows one feeling or emotion to be active at a time. </strong></p> <p>Again, this is a simple rule if we think about it. At any one second, the brain only allows one feeling. We cannot be happy and sad at the same time. As an example, it is almost impossible to be in a "romantic" mood if you are anxious, depressed, or fearful. In another example, pull a file on someone you think is romantically attractive. Get a picture of that person in your mind. Now imagine someone throwing a large snake on your lap. You'll notice the romance immediately disappears and fear of the snake becomes the active emotion. </p> <p>Many people have used this brain rule to deal with bad files. As an example, many people have bad files on certain individuals. Suppose we have a bad file on "John Doe." The mention of his name, seeing him in the street, or any reference to this man brings up a bad file which has bad feelings - anger, hatred, resentment, etc. One way to cope with this bad file is to place a funny name or comment on the file label. In other words, instead of a "John Doe" file, we now have a "Beanie Weenie" file. You'll notice that many divorced individuals have humorous names for their ex-spouse. This is the same principle. If we pull up a bad file but we have a funny name on it, it prolongs the emotion from surfacing and allows us to put the file away without any problem. </p> <p>The fact that the brain allows only one feeling also allows us to have great control over our moods, more than we think. For example: A nasty neighbor calls and harasses us for some reason. We immediately pull the file on this neighbor, then another file as we are upset, and end up hanging up with a mood of anger, resentment, and an attitude of "I'll break her face." As long as we keep her file out during the day, our mood will be the same - anger, resentment, and so forth. In high stress jobs, for example, people frequently assure others that they don't take their job home with them, that they leave the work, briefcase, and paperwork at the office. Importantly, while they don't take the "work" home with them, they clearly take the "mood" home with them. They don't bring home the briefcase, they bring home the irritability, tension, and high-stress feelings. </p> <p>However, if we choose to change our mood, we can do things like listen to favorite songs, look at a high school annual, look at vacation pictures, and do other things which will cause the brain to pull different files which have different moods - better moods. </p> <p>Keep in mind, the brain will do anything we want: it will allow us to be angry the rest of the day or it will allow us to change it's mood - it simply doesn't care. </p> <p><strong>Brain Operation and Daily Use</strong> </p> <p>In all discussions, feelings, and activities during the day, the brain is constantly pulling files. What feelings are contained in those files depends on how our mood will be that day. Files can be very helpful if we have a lot of good files. </p> <p>While good files can be helpful in terms of changing our mood, making us feel better, or providing a bright spot in the middle of an otherwise tough day, bad files can strongly impair our communications with others. Many times, a routine discussion, debate, argument, or hassle can cause files to enter our brain and give us difficulty. </p> <p>In working with others, after a while we begin to tell when a file is out. For example, when you hear words such as, "Well, when I was young...", "Just like last week...", or "This is not the first time..." - a file has been pulled. If we were to videotape a discussion, we would immediately learn that all discussion, debate, and agreement is lost when a file comes out. This brings us to another rule: </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>You can't argue with a file.</strong> </p> <p>When a file comes out, it is as though we have placed a tape in our VCR. The tape begins playing and we hear the same discussion or feel the same feelings over and over. Husbands and wives refer to this sometimes as "broken record" conversations. We get the same lectures, the same anger, the same resentment, the same everything - it's in the file. As an example, two people can be discussing whether they have enough money to purchase a lawnmower. The wife mentions using a particular credit card - that pulls a bad file in her husband, perhaps the "VISA" file. At that point, the husband launches into a long story about credit cards, high interest, harassing letters, and so forth. When that file is opened up, a discussion about the lawnmower becomes useless. </p> <p>The way files open and close in our brain can be a real problem with communication. While we may try to remain business-like and focus on a topic of discussion, we can't help but pull files. This brings up to another rule: </p> <p><u>Rule:</u><strong> Any stimulation can pull a file. </strong></p> <p>Our body has five senses, vision, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. A file can be pulled by any of those senses. Example: The Vietnam combat veteran who automatically thinks of his combat experience when he hears a medical helicopter. </p> <p>How we automatically think of high school and related events by hearing an old song. The five senses are very powerful when it comes to pulling files. Something else can pull files as well. </p> <p>Emotions can pull files. We must remember that the brain is always looking for files in what we see, hear, and what we feel. As an example, emotions become attached to files. An adult who has had a bad first marriage may automatically pull a jealousy file any time his wife mentions, "I might be late". The anxiety in that statement causes the brain to search for a file that make sense - it pulls up a jealousy file from the first marriage. If the husband allows the file to stay out, he will become insecure, jealous, and suspicious for no reason in the present. In second marriages, bad file-pulling is a very common yet very hazardous activity. </p> <p>Another common way that emotions pull files is in the case of a panic attack. When an individual suffers a panic attack, a powerful brain chemical is released in the frontal area of the brain which creates the panic attack. After an attack however, we have clearly made a bad file - our brain remembers the attack and the feelings. Months later, we may be in a crowded store or in an emotionally tense situation when the brain recognizes that emotion - it's seen it before during the panic attack. At that point, the brain immediately pulls the "panic attack" file. If we allow the file to stay out or pay attention to it, we are quite likely to have another panic attack - that's what's in the file. </p> <p>Lets keep in mind that famous actors and actresses have known this method for years. If they want to cry on stage, they can pull a sensitive file from their personal life and within 90 seconds, tears are flowing. Remember: With each emotion or experience, the brain is always searching to see if we have a file on that topic. </p> <p><strong>Files and Marriage/Relationships</strong> </p> <p>To solve any problem, a typical marital discussion should not last more than 10 to 15 minutes. If your going to buy a car or discuss what to do about Aunt Gladys, it shouldn't take a three hour discussion. Discussions that last longer than 15 minutes usually contain files. In discussing whether to visit Aunt Gladys over Christmas, the discussion may start out well at first - then we start pulling files. After three hours of arguing, we find that we have discussed the fact that certain relatives don't like us, that we don't like certain relatives, that so and so is the black sheep, and on and on. What began as a business-like conversation has been ruined by files that have been pulled as the discussion continued. </p> <p>You'll know a file is pulled because the direction of the discussion will not make sense. We know a file is operating when either the content or mood doesn't make sense to the discussion at hand. </p> <p>A teenager who asks permission to go to a drive-in movie and is suddenly met with anger, resentment, accusations, and suspiciousness by the parent - she has run into a severe communication block. Mother or dad has pulled a file from their teen years - a bad file. Again, we always know a file is out because the content or mood doesn't fit the present situation. We must then remember - you can't talk to a file. People who argue with the content of a file have as much chance as an individual who argues with the television while a videotape is playing. </p> <p><strong>Files and Depression</strong> </p> <p>As mentioned, when our brain chemistry changes during depression, bad files are immediately pulled, as many as we will allow. These files will keep pulling until the automatic file-pulling is stopped by medication or treatment, or until we take control. </p> <p>One particularly bad problem with depression is pulling old files. Again, when we pull an old file we relive the emotion - that's what's in the file. We have seen cases where patients have discussed a horrible experience from 15 to 20 years ago stating, "I though I got over it, I guess I didn't!" Truthfully, they have gotten over that experience - but the file is still powerful. Depressed individuals suffer from the "garbage truck", that truck-load of horrible files that prompt them to think about childhood trauma/abuse, previous relationships and rejections, and any time they have failed within recollection. Again, the file makes us relive the emotions at that time. Even 20 years beyond the present, if we bring out a horrible file, we will feel horrible. </p> <p>Clients that are depressed are encouraged not to pay attention to the various files being pulled. Again, when a depressed brain operates on automatic, it pulls nothing but garbage/trash. If you are depressed, be prepared to experience a tremendous amount of "mental garbage." Please, take no action on that garbage. </p> <p><strong>Files and Anxiety </strong></p> <p>We have all heard of the Guru who can change his blood pressure, slow his heart or breathing rate, stop bleeding cuts, or change his brain waves by meditation. As our brain controls these physical reactions/conditions, those experiences are possible with proper brain/thought control. Anxiety consists of both thinking symptoms (worry, fear, dread, anticipation of misfortune, etc) and physical symptoms - actually more physical than thinking! Typical physical manifestations of anxiety include jitteriness, trembling, muscle aches, eyelid twitch, strained facial expression, sweating, heart pounding, dry mouth, clammy hands, upset stomach, frequent urination, poor concentration, and the feeling of having a lump in your throat - just to name a few! What a deal - you receive all the above in just one package - "anxiety". </p> <p>Anxiety can be paired with certain events, creating a very strong file that contains both the anxious event (public speaking, air flights, etc,) and the physical reaction as well. When the situation is recognized by the brain - the anxious/trauma file is pulled - and the brain chemicals are released. It's easy to see why files with anxiety are so powerful - they seem to light up the entire body system from head to toe! </p> <p><strong>Files and Physical/Mental Trauma</strong> </p> <p>One of the most common situations in which emotional memory files create severe problems is in physical or mental trauma. Many of us have experienced trauma in our life. Of the people living in New York City, 85 percent have been mugged/robbed. Studies suggest that 45 percent of all females have been sexually molested or assaulted in some manner. Trauma, or severe emotional memory, can be created by physical assaults, combat experiences, crime, death of a loved one, viewing severe accidents, surgery, or brush-with-death experiences. </p> <p>In trauma, the brain not only memorizes everything about the event - including the emotions - but adds the surroundings as well. If we are assaulted in our home, suddenly our home is no longer comfortable due to the memories it produces. A severe automobile accident may prompt people to quit driving completely or develop panic attacks if they near the site of the accident. Trauma Emotional Memory (EM) files are perhaps the strongest emotional files and often create long-lasting phobias or difficulties if not properly handled. </p> <p>Old Emotional Memory (EM) trauma files are often at the heart of long-standing difficulties. Early sexual trauma, for example, can create poor sexual response/interest that will later affect marriages. Physical assault can produce problems with physical closeness many years later. While such situations are very troublesome, we are reminded that the brain is simply operating on automatic - there are no "positive" files for reference. Correction is often a matter of taking manual control of those situations, creating new files, and "watering down" the old files. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>The brain pulls the most recent and most powerful file first. </strong></p> <p>Imagine being stressed-out for six months, almost at the breaking point. You decide to stop by Kroger's to pick up some bread and milk. While in the store, you run into someone you dislike which immediately pulls a bad file. As you continue to see them in the store, you keep a file out and your mood becomes worse. At that point, your brain, already overtaxed, kicks in with a panic attack. You feel panicky, you begin to smother, and you feel as though you are going to have a heart attack. You end up leaving your groceries and running out of the store. </p> <p>You have thus created a panic-attack file with a label "Kroger" on it. Therefore, the next time you drive by Kroger's or stop for milk, your brain will pull the panic-attack file first. You'll develop a feeling - "I can't go in there!" Whenever we experience anxiety, the brain makes a file and includes the circumstances. This is exactly how people become agoraphobic - or become fearful of leaving their home. Several agoraphobic patients have areas of the town that are "off limits" - that area of the town pulls a panic file. </p> <p>We've all heard of people who have suffered an automobile accident and for many months later are afraid to drive - driving pulls a horrible accident file. Perhaps a familiar example is the popular movie "Top Gun." After losing his best friend in a out-of-control jet, our hero "Tom Cruise" experiences a panic attack after a similar event later in the movie. Fortunately for the movie he talks his way out of the panic attack and goes on to become the hero. Again, just about any experience can pull a bad file and we must protect ourselves from these files. </p> <p>After a crisis or emotional upset, a file is made. If that file has a strong emotional value, it will be the first file pulled. Example: A relative by the name of Bill dies. For many months from that point, his death will be the first file pulled when anyone mentions the name. To avoid the constant reminder of sadness, when his name is mentioned we "skip" the first file and pull other "Bill" files, fishing trips, holidays with relatives, etc. </p> <p><strong>How to Know When A File Is Operating</strong> </p> <p>1. When a file is accidentally pulled, the individual will almost immediately stray off the topic of discussion. As a listener, if you get a feeling of "What's that got to do with this?" - you're listening to a file. Remember, you can't argue with a file. </p> <p>2. As a file contains the same information each time it's pulled, when you hear lectures, comments, or attacks that appear to be a "broken record" - it's a file. When a file is pulled, the individual will say the same things, feel the same way, and react the same way that you heard before. This is quite common in marital arguments and a listener usually gets the impression, "This is the 25th time I've heard this." </p> <p>3. A file is pulled when the emotional reaction is far above what would be expected from the situation. A husband and wife meets an old boyfriend or girlfriend at the supermarket. Suddenly, all the way home, there's a gigantic reaction complete with jealousy, suspiciousness, and anger. Somewhere, a file as been pulled. </p> <p>4. Many files begin with, "We've talked about this before," "When I was young...," and so on. References to the past are almost always related to a pulled file. </p> <p>5. If the listener has the general idea that the conversation doesn't make sense, your probably listening to a file. Teenagers have difficulty, for example, understanding why a simple request for money leads into a long discussion of dad's collecting pop bottles for money during his youth. The key is the phrase, "When I was your age..." </p> <p>6. If you find yourself thinking about a past trauma or bad situation, you may have an old file out and also be depressed and stressed. When depressed or stressed, the brain becomes our worst enemy, pulling files that have strong negative content and making us relive and reexperience old events. Forty-year old women begin thinking about childhood abuse, a mature adult tearfully recalls memories of a horrible and violent early childhood, or an older male suddenly thinks, feels guilty, and grieves about his experiences in combat (WW II, Korea, Vietnam, etc.). When the brain pulls these old files we know brain chemistry is upset. Look for early morning awakening, increased brain speed, and decreased concentration as additional indicators - but forget those files, they've already been emotionally solved and put away those many years ago. The brain is simply playing old Emotional Memory (EM). </p> <p><strong>Techniques for File Control</strong> </p> <p>1. Practice paying attention to how your file system works. If you find yourself in a bad mood, or even happy mood, use the approach, "What file is out?" You will then find the file, what feeling is contained in the file, and will then be able to have some control over the file. </p> <p>2. If a bad file starts to come out, do something physical before the two-minute emotional release surfaces. If someone mentions a name or you have an event that brings up a bad file, for example, immediately pinch your ear, touch your watch, or do something physical that lets you know a file is out. You may then change files mentally or even verbally. When talking with others, we can verbally change files by stating, "That's kind of a sensitive topic for me, I'd rather not discuss that." The physical action helps remind us that we have control over these files. </p> <p>3. Take a bad file and put a funny name on it - the funnier the better. If we have people we dislike or even hate, a funny name is helpful in controlling the emotional content of that file. Common names that might be used are "Bozo," "Beanie Weenie," "Air Head," etc. It is also effective to combine both the funny name and physical action. </p> <p>For example, if we call a gossip-oriented relative "Sinus Drip", we can combine the pulling of the file with the name and the physical action of blowing our nose. Again, as the brain will only allow one feeling at a time, the humor and physical action usually is enough to kill the file. </p> <p>4. Many times we go through a series of horrible experiences, often lasting for years. These may include bad marriages, periods of unemployment, traumatic childhoods, and so forth. Place all those files in one mental filing cabinet. Then place a label on the entire cabinet, one that reflects the condition at that time. Some clients have used such labels as, "Wild and rowdy years," "My misery years," and so forth. When a file from that period is brought up, instead of focusing on the file and allowing the emotion to surface, the individual thinks to himself, "That file is from my wild and rowdy years, it's not needed now." Lumping all files together in one general category decreases the emotional impact and prevents pulling specific files. </p> <p>5. Together with your spouse or significant other, you may train each other to recognize when one file is out. When a file pops out, a simple time-out hand signal, a certain look, or a certain comment may make the other person aware that a file is out at the wrong time. This cuts down many arguments. Using this method, couples tend to stay on-track and discuss their concerns more at length, without being bothered by bad files. </p> <p>6. Looks for "blocks" in communication with others. Often these emotional blocks are actually files being pulled in response to something the other person does. Do they sound like a relative/friend or do they remind you of something or some situation. Make a new file on that person. </p> <p>7. Keep several good and mood-lifting files in close memory. If a bad file is pulled during the day, you then have good files ready to recall - and change your mood. Many people have files about vacation or other happy times to be used if a bad file is pulled. Always follow a bad file with a good file - it keeps your mood up. </p> <p>8. In times of social crisis, create and rehearse a special file to cover uncomfortable questions - a "press release". During a divorce/separation situation, people frequently ask about your situation. Rather than pull up the "divorce" file, pull up a "divorce public relations" file that states "things are pretty disorganized right now with us. I tell you more as things settle down." Make the public relations file brief, short and sweet. </p> <p>9. Practice file pulling, especially good files. Look at old pictures of happy times, high school yearbooks, etc. Observe the number of files that are pulled when you do this. It's amazing how much information your memory contains. </p> <p><u>Rule:</u> <strong>The Brain doesn't know if a file is real or imagined!</strong> </p> <p>How can this be? The brain makes files based on information it is given, usually through our senses but sometimes through our thoughts. If we have a sweetheart, being in the same room will give us that warm, romantic feeling. However, looking at their picture and thinking about them will do the same thing - even though they are not present. Even better, simply thinking about them will produce the same feelings (pulling the same file). The brain only reacts to the file or image, it doesn't care how it receives that image or information, by physical presence, by reminders (pictures), or by "thought". </p> <p>Psychologists at the University of Chicago took three groups of basketball players. Group One practiced foul shots each day for thirty days. Group Two was instructed to "imagine" shooting foul shots each day for thirty days. Group Three was instructed to do nothing. When tested, Group One (practicing shots) improved 24 percent. Group Three (doing nothing) had no improvement. Group Two, the group that only imagined shooting foul shots, improved 23 percent yet did not physically touch a basketball. </p> <p>Why? As far as the brain knew, both groups that practiced (real & imagined) had shot foul shots daily but Group Two never missed! Group Two, never missing, was given more emotional confidence by their brain and the brain also memorized the foul-shooting pattern as though they were on the court. In Group One, their brain experienced the hit-and-miss pattern of actual foul shooting which did not build confidence. </p> <p>Why mention this? We have the ability to build our own files, even when the actual real-world experience is lacking. Using our imagination, we can alter files by imagining new information. If shy, we imagine ourselves in gradually more and more social situations, talking with friends, being in groups, giving talks to groups, teaching, and finally being on Johnny Carson. If we have bad files on certain people, using our imagination, we "add" new information to the file. We really do this everyday. If we are wronged by someone, our anger becomes uncomfortable to the point that we begin imagining how guilty they must feel, how low their life really is, and how they will be unhappy the rest of their days. After our brain works on that file, we eventually feel sorry for them! While the brain does this job for us normally, we need to hurry the process along at times. </p> <p>Pick a target problem for improvement - then design, imagine, and create a set of files to correct it. If you have problems dealing with your supervisor at work, imagine situations in which you first talk to him, then gradually stand your ground in a business manner. We can create files to help anything from tennis backhand to social withdrawal. </p> <p><strong>Making New Files</strong> </p> <p>- Since our brain can't tell real from imagined experiences, practice making new files to replace your old. If shy, imagine or daydream social competency. If uncomfortable around certain people, imagine positive meetings and outcomes with them. </p> <p>- Depressed and anxious individuals always imagine negative experiences - and the brain changes chemistry because it thinks that experience happened. If we sit down and think that a loved one has died (even though they are in the next room), our brain will make us depressed and we will cry. If depressed or anxious, think the opposite of the brain's normal disposition - daydream or imagine only positive experiences. It may sound strange but your brain will think your life is better (it only knows what it's told!) and will chemically lift your mood gradually. </p> <p>- Pick an area in which your are having trouble. Create/Invent new files to deal with that situation. If uncomfortable around your supervisor at work or your relatives, imagine positive scenes in which you solve conflicts or make adjustments. </p> <p>- If confidence and self-esteem are low, imagine scenes in which your confidence is increased. Imagine being praised for your efforts, being successful, or finally receiving the acceptance/affection from those who have not provided it in the past. </p> <p>There are other ways to deal with old files as well. </p> <p><strong>Changing, Destroying, and Contaminating Old Files </strong></p> <p>The brain's file system, just like the government's files, can be ruined and changed in many ways. One way to change a bad file is to alter it's content, to add additional information of your choosing - again, the funnier the better. If you have a file where a parent is scolding you, bring up the file, then add the fact that the parent is only six inches tall, standing on a desk, and shaking his/her little finger at you. We can also take a file, review the content and emotion, and find funny things about the file. With some imagination, we can rewrite a file which contained a fight or argument into something looking like The Three Stooges. If we put laughter/humor in the file, it changes the emotional content. </p> <p>Files can also be "watered down". As an example, thinking about bad files while our favorite music plays in the background has a way of watering down a file, making it lose it's emotional impact. </p> <p>1. Remembering hearing a good song for the first time on the radio and falling in love with it. However, after hearing it 100 times during the next month, it loses it's emotional value. </p> <p>Files can be erasing by literally boring them to death or a "watering down" procedure. If we have the time and opportunity, we can set aside a time for file destruction. During the particular 15 minutes of the day, we allow ourselves to pull up files and see what's in them, feel some of the emotion, and practice changing the files. </p> <p>2. We can also water down files by pulling them in different situations. If we have a bad file, pull that file when watching TV or video, listening to music, or when resting in the sun on the beach. While the file is out, add observations of your circumstances (the music, scenery, etc.) to the file, a technique that both lowers the anxiety present as well as spoiling the bad file. </p> <p>3. Remember that humor is the best way to contaminate a file. If a bad file is out, find everything about the memory that is silly, humorous, or comical. If nothing is - invent something funny about that experience. Rehearse how things might have happened different, in a funnier manner, than we remember. </p> <p>4. When a file is out, remind yourself frequently that it is simply a file of your past - Where you've been - Not where you are. We can watch movies of World War II but we must remind ourselves that we are not currently at war! Self-comments such as "I'm glad I don't live that way anymore!" or "Those sure were tough times!" are helpful. Compare old files with your current situation. This is helpful in old-file jealousy or suspicion, reminding ourselves that our current partner is not our old partner. </p> <p><strong>File Control in Special Situations</strong> </p> <p>- File control is a serious problem in alcohol or substance abuse. Remember: the alcohol and substance (marijuana, cocaine, etc.) automatically create good files due to their action on the brain. Sadly, bad files are created in the abusers home/family due to fights, arguments, and hangovers. Therefore, thinking of alcohol/drugs rarely brings up a bad file to make the situation unpleasant. In fact, talking about drinking or using drugs usually brings a smile. </p> <p>To combat this situation, those who have problems with drugs and/or alcohol are advised to pull a bad file when confronted with substances. This is a common situation in those trying to maintain sobriety. How many times have we socially heard someone turn down a beer with "No thanks, My wife would kill me! I'd have no job and my children wouldn't speak to me!" </p> <p>That person is using a file with a marital argument in it to kill his previous attraction to the substance. If people pulled up a file on their worst hangover every time they thought of alcohol, we might see a dramatic drop in national alcohol consumption. </p> <p>- File control is especially important in marital/family discussions. Remembering our 90-120 second rule about emotions surfacing when a file is pulled, marital discussions on sensitive topics are best controlled by time-out techniques which prevent entire files from being pulled. Couples are encouraged to conduct business meetings <strong>with</strong> an egg timer! A three-minute egg timer allows each party three minutes to state an issue, then three minutes for the partner, and so on. The three-minute timer prevents "files" from taking control of the discussion is couples stick to the procedure. </p> <p>- The filing system works at night too! Dreams are often jumbled as the brain pulls files and puts them together in our dreams. Dreams are actually a time in which the brain sorts its' files, at the same time pulling old files. Events during the day are reviewed and combined with old files in our dreams. That's why we may dream of taking a shower in the middle of downtown Columbus! Dreams only reflect our memory and our mood - they do not actually contain hidden truths, warnings, or other special information. </p> <p>- Many individuals have be traumatized by assault, death of loved ones, illness, hospitalization, arguments, and other emotionally stressful events. Emotional trauma produces a huge file, including the feelings of the event. To make matters worse, those concerned with our welfare after the trauma often feel the need to ask us about it - pulling the file! Trauma victims are encouraged to create several rehearsed answers to common comments/questions, much like the President's press secretary reads responses from a prepared paper. The rehearsed response or "Press Release" usually prevents the original "bad" file from surfacing as you are too busy recalling your rehearsed comment. Example: </p> <p>Question: "What happened to you the other night?" </p> <p>Response: "I guess things got a little out of hand. I'm sorting things out right now and as soon as I have all the details I'll sit down and give you the story. I've discovered it's better not to talk about it right now but I'm doing ok." </p> <p>Trauma victims will also find that a location or set of circumstances will almost immediately pull a strong file. Be prepared for the "I can't go back there" reaction, often attached to a work site (where injured), location of the trauma in your community, or activity ("I can stand to drive anymore"). </p> <p>Importantly, remember that if you have been traumatized - so have the people who care about you! Your presence, phone call, or visit may pull their files about your experience, files containing grief, feelings of helplessness, sadness, emotional shock, and so forth. </p> <p>This is why many friends/relatives often avoid a trauma victim or depressed friend/relative at first - it pulls their files which contain sadness, anger, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness. The traumatized individual can often help by using a rehearsed "file" which sends a signal to loved ones that the situation and condition is being managed. </p> <p><strong>Feeling Levels Can Pull Files </strong></p> <p>When we see a friend in town, the brain looks for and pull his/her file. Our emotions work this way also. When we begin to feel a certain feeling or when our "feeling level" reaches a certain spot, the brain searches for anything (a file or memory reference) we may have for that level of feeling. The brain basically asks the question "Have I felt this way before?" - If so, pull the file. </p> <p>The explains why many people can only reach so far in a relationship. As they become emotionally closer, the brain may look for a file reference. Example: </p> <p>New/current relationship </p> <p>Strong feelings ----- ? (brain looks for a reference, finds the file below) </p> <p>Memory file: "<strong>First Marriage</strong>" That file contains strong feelings ----> verbal/physical abuse ----- separation ----- divorce. Pulling that old file in the new relationship puts your emotional and romantic progress at a halt. </p> <p>When we see what's in the "first marriage" file, it's easy to see how the individual would become uneasy, upset, and even defensive in the new relationship. This is why people become "bogged down" in relationships. If we develop odd feelings or attitudes that don't seem to fit the situation - look for a file that may be out. If you are thinking "Every time I feel this way..." and then predict the future, you've got a file out. </p> <p><strong>Developing a Treatment Plan </strong></p> <p>Let's suppose we have a strong Emotional Memory (EM), perhaps the result of an automobile accident, a childhood trauma, a life-threatening experience, a physical assault, a public embarrassment, or something equally emotionally traumatic. We can develop a treatment plan to eliminate the "emotional" part of the memory. We can never eliminate the details of the memory/experience - only brain damage or disease wipes out complete memories. The goal in the treatment of Emotional Memories (EM) is to eliminate the emotional component - the part that causes us emotional pain. If the emotional component/part is taken away, we can relate the story without fear of being upset or returning to that mood. </p> <p>Keep in mind the goal with Emotional Memory (EM) - <strong>Eliminating the emotional part of the memory</strong>. One of the fastest and easiest ways to complete that task is to "water down" the emotional part of the memory. To do this, imagine having a letter saved on a computer word processor. Each time you retrieve the letter - it looks the same, reads the same, and says the same thing. If we pull it up on the computer screen, read it, then save it - nothing has changed. This is what happens when we relate Emotional Memory (EM) events to others without adding to the memory or file. </p> <p>What happens if we pull up that word processor letter each day. Each time we pull it up on the screen, we add one long sentence to the letter - a sentence that is silly, unrelated to the letter, or just a bit off-base - then save it again. After two weeks we've added 14 sentences to the letter and the original letter is now gone. It's something totally different now. We use this technique to eliminate emotional parts of Emotional Memory (EM). </p> <p><u>Technique</u>: Each time we pull a bad Emotional Memory (EM) file, we add something to it. A comment, a joke, a physical gesture, etc. The brain will automatically save the file due to the new/added parts. </p> <p><u>Sample Treatment Plan: </u></p> <p>Event: We have been violently assaulted by someone. </p> <p>Emotional part of the memory: The emotional component contains fears of dying, a fight-for-my-life feeling, panic, and severe anxiety. </p> <p>Procedure: Each time we bring up the Emotional Memory (EM) of the event, we add something - the funnier the better. For example: "After that assault, I've canceled my scheduled bout with Mike Tyson. I'm just not up to it." or "I've decided to market a line of assault-proof underwear. You think JC Penneys would be interested?" or "I've haven't had a fight like that since I used my brother's Beatles albums as Frisbees!" It's like adding a sentence each time we review the word processor letter - watering down the original content over time. We can makeup or imagine part of the event as a humorous addition, for example "I just kept thinking during the attack, my taxes are due!!" The reactions of others to your humor will also be added to the file. This is why a World War II vet can talk calmly about horrible events during the war at the American Legion - he's discussed it so often, in so many different circumstances, that the emotional part has gone. Only the details remain. In Emotional Memory (EM), we naturally do this technique, commonly known as "getting over it". This paper just tells you how to do that faster and more efficiently. Any Emotional Memory (EM) can be approached in this manner and "watered down". </p> <p><br /><strong>Summary</strong></p> <p><br />We are a collection of memories - that's who we are, what makes up our personality, what controls our behaviors, and what often produces our moods. The good Emotional Memory (EM) is a blessing to us, remembering good times during childhood, our favorite songs/events, and old friends. However, we have all collected bad or often traumatic Emotional Memory (EM) files as well. The goal of Emotional Memory (EM) Management is to control or eliminate the emotional part of those files. If we can do that, our history of bad experiences becomes just that - history. Those files become a record of where we've been and experienced, not something that continues to control our moods and behaviors. </p> <p>In daily living and especially during times of stress, our memory file system is very important. It is a system that is active every second, works automatically, and can change our mood within two minutes. Our office has presented the above information with the hope that you can lower your stress and live more effectively by controlling your emotional memory files rather than allowing them to control you! Remember - our emotional file system is like our breathing, it will operate on automatic or we can take manual control. Knowing how the system operates allows us more control over our memories and daily lives. </p> Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist<a href="source:%20http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html"><br /></a>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-13518065082197851632011-01-31T06:22:00.011-06:002011-01-31T06:48:56.462-06:00More On PPD<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy9KMxhwbjM-dDrv9nt3GgkqD76pgMQ6kE767Z_rDsw8flqjVVpeOHM5lnIad8HhrJRARehx5_7hJOve87w8s3PHxNkqsFHkRqrynTs61GMFcmTU87eBcoW5Ym4buBDQr37x-R6EBzbhg/s1600/paranoid-personality-disorder.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 225px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy9KMxhwbjM-dDrv9nt3GgkqD76pgMQ6kE767Z_rDsw8flqjVVpeOHM5lnIad8HhrJRARehx5_7hJOve87w8s3PHxNkqsFHkRqrynTs61GMFcmTU87eBcoW5Ym4buBDQr37x-R6EBzbhg/s320/paranoid-personality-disorder.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5568325883882454610" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe01.html"><br />Source http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe01.html</a><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Diagnostic Features:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Paranoid Personality Disorder</span> (PPD) is a condition characterized by excessive distrust and suspiciousness of others. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing. This disorder should not be diagnosed if the distrust and suspiciousness occurs exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder or if it is due to the direct physiological effects of a neurological (e.g., temporal lobe epilepsy) or other general medical condition.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Complications:</span><br /><br />Individuals with this disorder are generally difficult to get along with and often have problems with close relationships because of their excessive suspiciousness and hostility. Their combative and suspicious nature may elicit a hostile response in others, which then serves to confirm their original expectations. Individuals with this disorder have a need to have a high degree of control over those around them. They are often rigid, critical of others, and unable to collaborate, although they have great difficulty accepting criticism themselves. They often become involved in legal disputes. They may exhibit thinly hidden, unrealistic grandiose fantasies, are often attuned to issues of power and rank, and tend to develop negative stereotypes of others, particularly those from population groups distinct from their own. More severely affected individuals with this disorder may be perceived by others as fanatics and form tightly knit cults or groups with others who share their paranoid beliefs.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Comorbidity:</span><br /><br />In response to stress, individuals with this disorder may experience very brief psychotic episodes (lasting minutes to hours). If the psychotic episode lasts longer, this disorder may actually develop into Delusional Disorder or Schizophrenia. Individuals with this disorder are at increased risk for Major Depressive Disorder, Agoraphobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Alcohol and Substance-Related Disorders. Other Personality Disorders (especially Schizoid, Schizotypal, Narcissistic, Avoidant, and Borderline) often co-occur with this disorder.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Associated Laboratory Findings:</span><br /><br />No laboratory test has been found to be diagnostic of this disorder.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prevalence:</span><br /><br />The prevalence of Paranoid Personality Disorder is about 0.5%-2.5% of the general population. It is seen in 2%-10% of psychiatric outpatients. This disorder occurs more commonly in males.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Course:</span><br /><br />This disorder may be first apparent in childhood and adolescence with solitariness, poor peer relationships, social anxiety, underachievement in school, hypersensitivity, peculiar thoughts and language, and idiosyncratic fantasies. These children may appear to be ?odd? or ?eccentric? and attract teasing. The course of this disorder is chronic.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Familial Pattern:</span><br /><br />This disorder is more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with Schizophrenia and Delusional Disorder, Persecutory Type.<br /><br /><h2><span style="font-size:130%;">F60.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder</span></h2> <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Personality disorder characterized by at least 3 of the following:</span> </p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">(a) excessive sensitiveness to setbacks and rebuffs.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />(b) tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />(c) suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size:130%;"><br />(d) a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />(e) recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />(f) tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />(g) preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.</span><br /></p><p><a href="http://www.mentalhealth.com/icd/p22-pe01.html">Source: http://www.mentalhealth.com/icd/p22-pe01.html<br /></a></p><p><br /></p>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-32389121214618275592010-11-08T09:36:00.001-06:002010-11-08T09:38:19.766-06:00Paranoid Personality Disorder<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kw_yIamuHhQ?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kw_yIamuHhQ?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-71588963497967302592010-07-11T22:22:00.001-05:002010-07-11T23:33:01.954-05:00Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A new diagnosis?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQQqf4r0ZO3Qd6iukWw8ladtIZ6ODis0HVMw2rPIJBX94Z7LwZ-k5W24-2gRVrnmyzqpi089aueeEuG6Ak1G2SzC5ZmOeqnY2tc4wti9ZuLJ39TTqxf6LS8q_ZtKtZzHitbPKbqd3pwaxX/s1600/joker+card+cut+in+half+with+a+bullet.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 292px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQQqf4r0ZO3Qd6iukWw8ladtIZ6ODis0HVMw2rPIJBX94Z7LwZ-k5W24-2gRVrnmyzqpi089aueeEuG6Ak1G2SzC5ZmOeqnY2tc4wti9ZuLJ39TTqxf6LS8q_ZtKtZzHitbPKbqd3pwaxX/s320/joker+card+cut+in+half+with+a+bullet.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492872940789686210" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/10872.php">Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A new diagnosis?</a>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-13863166604909313842010-07-07T00:02:00.001-05:002010-07-07T00:05:43.017-05:00What is an Narcissistic Personality Disorder?<object width="640" height="505"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2oxJf9MXidY&hl=en_US&fs=1?rel=0&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2oxJf9MXidY&hl=en_US&fs=1?rel=0&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="505"></embed></object>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-33907433662729363582010-06-06T19:24:00.000-05:002010-06-06T19:25:32.936-05:00What does it feel like to be like you?<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2yM4d5hdXhE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2yM4d5hdXhE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-13826474931235156622010-04-18T05:13:00.004-05:002010-06-24T22:04:19.908-05:00If Only<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGhbp3UUBHKjH6WkndoHqv3BhrBP_ye4SxECSgEGPbU2FwJgz6LBdstNCG_mQx1DgYT1tadx27pdZeMsaSu2XDnZ5Q8ath5gys_i6M1w8LMGHyjEoe8CnAC1ouuBxyo4VTAI_iOeKofGyk/s1600/z_p-17-Who+is+the+Buddha.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 345px; height: 360px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGhbp3UUBHKjH6WkndoHqv3BhrBP_ye4SxECSgEGPbU2FwJgz6LBdstNCG_mQx1DgYT1tadx27pdZeMsaSu2XDnZ5Q8ath5gys_i6M1w8LMGHyjEoe8CnAC1ouuBxyo4VTAI_iOeKofGyk/s400/z_p-17-Who+is+the+Buddha.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5461418881676649794" border="0" /></a><br /><br />"Oh only if they could Love! For they will then truly know what they are missing and will miss in time by time"....<br /><br />If only<br />By: James Phillips<br /><br />For only Dorothy if you could love yourself like I loved you<br />To relate and love your children as they loved you<br />You suffering would end and the earth would quake<br />As it witness that you awake<br /><br />Arrows throw at you by the God of desirers<br />Would turn to flowers cooling your desires<br />You suffering would be understood by you<br />Demons would flee by your silence before you<br /><br />If you knew love that tingling feeling<br />feeling deep inside of you would<br />bring to you a feeling of bliss<br />and sweet meditation that would be<br />voided of doubt and fear<br />The very foundation of all our suffering<br /><br />If only you knew love it would melt<br />all insecurities and fears build by you too protect your self<br />yet it only keep you apart from all those<br />who loved you<br />Cared for you<br />and would suffer for you<br /><br />If only Dorothy...<br />If only you could love...<br /><br />You would know and feel what we know and feel Dorothy...<br /><br />If only....Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-7812798068856862012010-02-07T10:46:00.008-06:002010-02-07T11:02:09.391-06:00People of the Lie<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjQ9JFMbofw7ccwCiq-zOk7XMkj9ZPpmU9hG13x6K_X5uM4E26OmazacP6TXbbeRXc_EGLSzdx040zPvvyNV0wKYbopdEOR78SOgYI_BQ-lzXDiVVkgQIOLMOOlYftGt5unhgepxWGVpDn/s1600-h/f_FallenAngelm_956e50b.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 324px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjQ9JFMbofw7ccwCiq-zOk7XMkj9ZPpmU9hG13x6K_X5uM4E26OmazacP6TXbbeRXc_EGLSzdx040zPvvyNV0wKYbopdEOR78SOgYI_BQ-lzXDiVVkgQIOLMOOlYftGt5unhgepxWGVpDn/s400/f_FallenAngelm_956e50b.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435544594725048450" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://samredman.com/peopleofthelie/">Studies from the book, "People of the Lie," by M. Scott Peck<br /></a><br /><br /><br />To better understand evil, it is worthwhile to consider the conclusions of scholars, such as M. Scott Peck, Erich Fromm, Martin Buber and others who devoted a good part of their lives to the study of the nature of the workings of the minds of evil people. Although many thinkers, ethicists, theologians and behavioral scientists have written volumes on the subject and many of those have influenced my thinking, I gained my clearest perspective after reading Peck's book, "People of the Lie." M. Scott Peck was the noted psychiatrist, who also wrote "The Road Less Traveled," one of the best selling books of all time. Therefore, many of the observations and conclusions which follow are taken either directly from his writings or are paraphrasings (so much so that this would really be considered a book review rather than an original discussion). For me to claim (or allude to) them as my own would be plagiarism and therefore I give full attribution to Dr. Peck for the excellent work he did in his analysis of the nature of evil.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Value Judgement</span><br /><br />To label certain human beings as evil is to make an obviously severely critical value judgment. Jesus made a statement, often stated out of context, "Judge not, that ye be not judged." But that lesson did not mean we should never judge our neighbor, because he went on to say, "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye." Together, those thoughts seem to mean that we should judge others only with great care, and that such carefulness begins with self-judgment. We cannot begin to hope to heal human evil until we are able to look at it directly. It is not a pleasant sight. There is a vital reason to correctly name evil for what it is, so that there can possibly be the healing of its victims. How are we to take Christ's admonition to " judge not lest you be judged" and still label someone as evil? If you see something wrong, don't you try to correct it? Jim Jones? Medical experiments on Jews? There is such a thing as an excess of sympathy, an excess of tolerance, an excess of permissiveness. We cannot lead decent lives without making judgments; general and moral judgments in particular. Christ did not enjoin us to refrain from ever judging. What he went on to say in those next four verses is that we should judge ourselves before we judge others, not that we should not judge at all. We are to purify ourselves before judging others. This is where 'the evil' fail. It is the self-criticism they avoid.<br />Understanding human evil<br /><br />Evil can be done against others without apparent physical damage. We may "break" a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head. Erich Fromm was acutely sensitive to this, when he broadened the definition of necrophilia to include the desire of certain people to control others, to make them controllable, to foster their dependency, to discourage their capacity to think for themselves, to diminish their unpredictability and originality, to keep them in line. Fromm described that there is a "necrophiliac character type," whose aim it is to avoid the inconvenience of life by transforming others into obedient automatons, robbing them of their humanity. Evil can be primarily defined as that force, residing either inside or outside of human beings, which seeks to kill life or liveliness. And goodness is its opposite. Goodness is that which promotes life and liveliness. As Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." There is another reaction that the evil frequently engenders in us, confusion. Describing an encounter with an evil person, one woman wrote, it was "as if I'd suddenly lost my ability to think." Once again, this reaction is quite appropriate. Lies confuse. The evil are "the people of the lie," deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people, rather is is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin, but the refusal to acknowledge it. They are criminals in that they commit "crimes" against life and liveliness. Their "crimes" are many times so subtle and covert that they often cannot clearly be designated as crime. The theme of hiding and covertness will occur again and again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Other definitions of evil</span><br /><br />Although the evil are certainly not healthy, they are not easily (or credibly) classified for what they are by conventional mental health standards. This is because, scientifically, there has not yet been developed a definition for their disease. If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds (which will often occur at some point in their lives, most often tragically too late for their victims) or the magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. This is because, those who have "crossed over the line" are characterized by their absolute refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness. The evil in this world is committed by the spiritual fat cats, by the Pharisees of our own day, the self-righteous, who think they are without sin, because they are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of significant self-examination. The evil do not serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to themselves. In fact, they don’t bear it at all. And it is out of their failure to put themselves on trial that their evil arises. The varieties of people’s wickedness are manifold. As a result of their refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness, the evil ones become uncorrectable grab bags of sin.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Scapegoating, a key characteristic</span><br /><br />A predominant characteristic of the behavior of the evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. Definition: Scapegoat - an innocent accused and forced to take blame. And more significant, one who is the object of irrational hostility. Scapegoating works through a mechanism which psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that while they are in conflict with the world, they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.<br /><br />Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people who can be designated as evil are invariably chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil will attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one's need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our own imperfection. Strangely enough, evil people are often destructive because they are attempting to destroy evil which they identify as in others. The problem is that they misplace the locos of the evil. Instead of destroying others, they should be destroying the sickness within themselves. As their life experience and actions are subjected to examination by others, such exposure will often threaten their self-image of perfection, and they are often busily engaged in hating and destroying those person's lives, usually in the name or righteousness. The fault, however, may not be so much that they hate life as that they do not hate the sinful part of themselves. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, an evil person who "scapegoats" must lash out at anyone who does reproach them.<br /><br />They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection. Take a simple example of a six-year-old boy who asks his father, “Daddy, why did you call Grandmommy a bitch?” “I told you to stop bothering me,” the father roars. “Now you’re going to get it. I’m going to teach you not to use such filthy language. I’m going to wash your mouth out with soap. Maybe that will teach you to clean up what you say and keep your mouth shut when you’re told.” Dragging the boy upstairs to the soap dish, the father inflicts this punishment on him. In the name of “proper discipline” evil has been committed. The father perceived the profanity and uncleanliness as existing in his son and took action to cleanse his son’s “filthiness.” Yet we know it was the father who was profane and unclean. The father projected his own filth onto his son and then assaulted his son in the name of good parenting. Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and evil people are chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one’s need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our imperfection.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Use of power to destroy spiritual growth</span><br /><br />Evil is further defined as the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of their own sick selves.This definition provides a further explanation of the scapegoating mechanism . They scapegoat not the strong but the weak. For the evil to so misuse their power, they must have the power to use in the first place. They must have some kind of dominion over their victims. And for adults to be the victims of evil, they too must be powerless to escape. They may be powerless when a gun is held to their head, as when the Jews were herded into the gas chambers or when the inhabitants of MyLai were lined up to be shot. Or they may be powerless by virtue of their own failure of courage. They maybe powerless because of their own greed to want to be provided for materially without having the normal obligations of a work-a-day world. This is often found in the "commune phenomenon," in which groups (or even just one individual, such as a mistress) will surrender their will to a charismatic leader who will provide for their shelter and food and clothing.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dedication to a Self-image of Perfection</span><br /><br />The evil are utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. They often dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words “image,” “appearance,” and “outwardly” are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their “goodness” is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the “people of the lie.” Actually, the lie is designed not so much to deceive others as to deceive themselves. They cannot or will not tolerate the pain of self-reproach. The decorum with which they lead their lives is maintained as a mirror in which they can see themselves reflected righteously. Yet the self-deceit would be unnecessary if the evil had no sense of right and wrong.<br /><br />We lie only when we are attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Some rudimentary form of conscience must precede the act of lying. There is no need to hide unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden. We come now to a sort of paradox. Evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At once and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness (or attempting to redefine their evil as good). The problem is not a defect of conscience, but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it. Since they will do almost anything to avoid the particular pain that comes from self-examination, under ordinary circumstances, the evil are the last people who would ever come to psychotherapy. The evil hate the light – the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of the truth that penetrates their deception. Psychotherapy is a light-shedding process par excellence.<br /><br />Except for the most twisted motives, an evil person would be more likely to choose any other conceivable route than the psychiatrist's couch. The submission to the discipline of self-observation, required by psychoanalysis does, in fact, seem to them like suicide. The most significant reason we know so little scientifically about human evil is simply that the evil are so extremely reluctant to be studied. It often happens that the evil may be recognized by its very disguise. The lie can sometimes be perceived before the misdeed that it was designed to hide, the cover-up before the fact. We see the smile that hides the hatred, the smooth and oily manner that masks the fury, the velvet glove that covers the fist. However, because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable. Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? Evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Narcissism</span><br /><br />The essential psychological problem of human evil is a particular variety of narcissism. Narcissism, or self-absorption, takes many forms. Some are normal. Some are normal in childhood but not in adulthood. Some are more distinctly pathological than others. If the central defect of the evil is not one of conscience, then where does it reside? The essential psychological problem of human evil is a particular variety of narcissism. Definition: Narcissism - A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition. There is a particular pathologic variant that Erich Fromm called "malignant narcissism." Malignant narcissism is characterized by an unsubmitted will. All adults who are mentally healthy submit themselves one way or another to something higher than themselves, be it God or truth or love or some other ideal. They do what God wants them to do rather than what they would desire. “Thy will, not mine, be done,” the God-submitted person says. They believe in what is true rather than what they would like to be true. What their beloved needs, becomes more important to them than their own gratification. In summary, to a greater or lesser degree, all mentally healthy individuals submit themselves to the demands of their own conscience. Not so the evil, however. In the conflict between their guilt and their will, it is the guilt that must go and the will that must win.<br /><br />Theologians speak of evil being a consequence of free will. When God, creating us in His own image, gave us free will, He had to allow us humans the option of evil. The problem can also be envisioned in the so-called "secular" terms of evolution theory (or the more scientifically acceptable explanation). Such would be explained in terms of the “will” of less evolved creatures seeming to be largely under the control of their instincts. And continuing that line of reasoning, when humans evolved from the apes, they largely evolved out from under such instinctual controls and hence into free will. Following that sequence of logic, this evolution placed humans in the position of being totally willful or having to seek new ways of self-control through submission to higher principles. But this still leaves us with the question of why some human beings are able to achieve such submission while others are not. Indeed, it is almost tempting to think that the problem of evil lies in the will itself. Perhaps the evil are born so inherently strong-willed that it is impossible for them to ever submit their will. Yet, it appears that it is characteristic of most “great” people that they are extremely strong-willed, whether their greatness be for good or for evil. The crucial distinction is between “willingness and willfulness.”<br /><br />There is an extraordinary willfulness of evil people. They are men and women of obviously strong will, determined to have their own way. There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others. The willful failure of submission that characterizes malignant narcissism is depicted in both the stories of Satan and of Cain and Abel.. Satan refused to submit to God's judgment that Christ was superior to him. For Christ to be preferred meant that Satan was not. Satan was less than Christ in God's eyes. For Satan to have accepted God's judgment, he would have to accept his own imperfection. This he could not or would not do. It was unthinkable that he was imperfect. Consequently submission was impossible and both the rebellion and fall inevitable. And for Cain, he, like Satan, decided that he should take the law into his own hands and commit murder. In some similar fashion, although it is usually more subtle, all who are evil also take the law into their own hands, to destroy life or liveliness in defense of their narcissistic self-image.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Pride and Arrogance</span><br /><br />Being at the very root of evil, it is no accident that church scholars have generally considered pride first among the sins. By the sin of pride they do not generally mean the sense of legitimate achievement one might enjoy after a job well done. While such pride, like normal narcissism, may have its pitfalls, it is also part of healthy self-confidence and a realistic sense of self-worth. What is meant is, rather, a kind of pride that unrealistically denies our inherent sinfulness and imperfection – a kind of smug self-righteous pride or arrogance that prompts people to reject and even attack the judgment implied by the day-to-day evidence of their own inadequacy. In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." The failure of the evil to define themselves as disordered is an essential, integral component of their condition. What is the cause of this overweening pride, this arrogant self-image of perfection, this particularly malignant type of narcissism? Why does it afflict a few when most seem to escape its clutches? We do not know. In the past fifteen years, psychiatrists have begun to pay increasing attention to the phenomenon of narcissism, but our understanding of the subject is still in its infancy. We have not yet succeeded, for instance, in distinguishing the different types of excessive self-absorption. There are many who are clearly -- even grossly -- narcissistic in one way or another, but are not evil. All that can be said at this point is that the particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. Why a person should be a victim of this type and not another or none at all, can only be vaguely surmised. The utter failure to submit oneself to reality is the extreme state of narcissism, narcissism in its ultimate form, oblivious to certain essential dimensions of reality. Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. For the complete narcissist, others have no more psychologic reality than a piece of furniture. Narcissists have only what Martin Buber calls, "I-I relationships." They exercise a strange sort of political power, that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion, in order to prevent individual spiritual growth.<br /><br />Evil could have been defined most simply as the use of political power to destroy others for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of own' s sick self. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Most people fail in the art of living, not because they are inherently bad or because they so much without will that they cannot lead a better life; they fail because they do not wake up and see when they stand at a fork in the road and have to decide. They are not aware when life asks them a question, and when they still have alternative answers. Then with each step along the wrong road it becomes increasingly difficult for them to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they must go back to the first wrong turn, and must accept the fact that they have wasted energy and time. Fromm saw the genesis of human evil as a developmental process, that we are not created evil or forced to be evil, but we become evil slowly ove r time through a long series of choices. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan." Characteristic of the evil is that theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy.We can see, then, that their narcissism makes the evil dangerous, not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others, but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others. In addition to the evil needing victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well. As it can give them the motive for murder, so it also can render them insensitive to the act of killing. The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all. Each of us is unique. Except in the mystical frame of reference, we are all separate entities. Our uniqueness makes each of us an "I entity," providing each of us with a separate identity. There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealing with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of, and a prerequisite for mental health that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. The evil fail to make those distinctions.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Subtlety of Evil</span><br /><br />One respect in which it is difficult to explain about evil is its subtlety. Evil sometimes will manifest itself obviously. In Dr. Peck's book, The People of the Lie, he described parents with two sons, whose oldest boy committed suicide. They subsequently gave the very rifle that boy used to end his life as a birthday gift to his younger brother. There, evil showed itself as quite apparent, but it rarely does so. More commonly, evil's manifestations are seemingly ordinary, superficially normal, and even apparently rational. Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors, either to others or to themselves. It is not without reason that the serpent is renowned for his subtlety. It is exceedingly rare, therefore, that we can pass judgment on a person as being evil after observing a single act; instead, our judgment must be made on the basis of a whole pattern of acts as well as their manner and style. There is something basically incomprehensible about evil. But if not incomprehensible, it is characteristically inscrutable . The evil always hide their motives with lies. Wherever there is evil, there's a lie around. Evil always has something to do with lies. Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. The pretense of the evil is designed at least as much to deceive themselves as others. A child can emotionally survive only by virtue of a massive fortification of its psyche. While such fortifications or psychological defenses are essential to its survival through childhood, they inevitably distort or compromise its life as an adult.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Creating a sick society</span><br /><br />The denial of their own suffering is, in fact, a better definition of illness than its acceptance. The evil deny the suffering of their guilt, the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and their imperfection by casting their pain onto others through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. They cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. Think of the psychic energy required for the continued maintenance of the pretense so characteristic of the evil. They perhaps direct at least as much energy into their devious rationalizations and destructive compensations as the healthiest do into loving behavior. Why? What possesses them, drives them? Basically it is fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face-to-face with their own evil. Of all emotions, fear is the most painful. Regardless of how well they attempt to appear calm and collected in their daily dealings, the evil live their lives in fear. It is a terror and a suffering so chronic, so interwoven into the fabric of their being, that they may not even feel it as such. And if they could, their omnipresent narcissism will prohibit them from ever acknowledging it. We can surely pity them for the lives they live of almost unremitting apprehension.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Evil as a personality disorder</span><br /><br />Illness and disease could be defined as any defect in the structure of our bodies or our personalities that prevents us from fulfilling our potential as human beings. A good definition of such potential can be found in Abraham Maslow's description of "self-actualized" persons in his book, Motivation and Personality. He believes that the phenomenon of evil can and should be subjected to scientific scrutiny. Of course, if evil an illness, it is not only a disease; it is the ultimate disease. The existing broad psychiatric category of "personality disorders" currently covers those psychiatric conditions in which the denial of personal responsibility is the prominent feature. By virtue of their unwillingness to tolerate the sense of personal sin and the denial of their imperfection, the evil easily fit into this broad diagnostic category. There is even within this class a subcategory entitled "narcissistic personality disorder." It might be quite appropriate to classify evil people as constituting a specific variant of the narcissistic personality disorder. Many of the evil people seen by psychiatrists are diagnosed as having "ambulatory schizophrenia." And those who are personally exposed to those who have been designated as "ambulatory schizophrenics" most often define them as evil people. Peck believed that the time is right for psychiatry to recognize a distinct new type of personality disorder to encompass those which he defined as evil.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A proposed new scientific definition of evi</span>l<br /><br />In addition to the abrogation of responsibilities characterizing all personality disorders, this one would specifically be distinguished by: <span style="font-weight: bold;">(a)</span> consistent destructive, scapegoating behavior, which may often be quite subtle. <span style="font-weight: bold;">(b)</span> excessive, albeit usually covert, intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury.<span style="font-weight: bold;"> (c)</span> pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, contributing to a stability of life-style but also to pretentiousness and denial of hateful feelings or vengeful motives. <span style="font-weight: bold;">(d)</span> intellectual deviousness, with an increased likelihood of a mild schizophrenic-like disturbance of thinking at times of stress. But to get such a classification is probably not realistic. In that regard, it is noteworthy how difficult it is to examine evil people in depth, because it is their nature to avoid the light. Denying their imperfection, the evil flee both self-examination and any situation in which they might be closely examined by others.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The phenomenon of group evil</span><br /><br />The phenomenon of group evil is somewhat distinct from, although in many respects similar to, the phenomenon of individual evil. Human groups tend to behave in much the same ways as human individuals-except at a level that is more primitive and immature that one might expect. Why this is so, why the behavior of groups is strikingly immature, why they are, from a psychological standpoint, less than the sum of their parts, is a question unable to be answered. One thing, however, is certain; there is more than one right answer. The phenomenon of group immaturity is, to use a psychiatric term, "overdetermined." This is to say that it is the result of multiple causes. One of those causes is the problem of specialization. Specialization contributes to the immaturity of groups and their potential for evil through several different mechanisms. One such mechanism: the fragmentation of conscience. Whenever the roles of individuals within a group become specialized, it become both possible and easy for the individual to pass the moral buck to some other part of the group. In this way, not only does the individual forsake his conscience but the conscience of the group as a whole can become so fragmented and diluted as to be nonexistent.<br /><br />Any group will remain inevitably, potentially conscienceless and evil until such time as each and every individual holds himself or herself directly responsible for the behavior of the whole group... of which he or she is a part. As with any lie, the primary motive of a cover-up is fear. In a situation of prolonged discomfort we humans naturally, almost inevitably, tend to regress. Our psychological growth reverses itself; our maturity is forsaken. Can we not say that human beings are more likely to be evil in times of stress than in times of comfort? The truly good are those who in time of stress do not desert their integrity, their maturity, their sensitivity. Nobility might be defined as the capacity not to regress in response to degradation, not to become blunted in the face of pain, to tolerate the agonizing and remain intact. One measure-and perhaps the best measure-of a person's greatness is the capacity for suffering. Individuals not only routinely regress in times of stress, they also regress in group settings. One aspect of this regression is the phenomenon of dependency on the leader. Assemble any small group of strangers and almost the very first thing that happens is that one of them rapidly assumes the role of group leader. Most people would rather be followers. It is simply easy to follow, and much easier to be a follower than a leader. There is no need to agonize over complex decisions, plan ahead, exercise initiative, risk unpopularity, or exert much courage. The problem is that the role of follower is the role of child. The individual adult, as individual, is master of his own ship, director of his destiny. But when he assumes the role of follower, he hands over to the leader his power: his authority over himself and his maturity as decision-maker. He becomes psychologically dependent on the leader in the same way as a child is dependent on its parents. In this way, there is a profound tendency for the average individual to emotionally regress as soon as he becomes a group member. One therapy technique is to challenge the person's dependency within the group.... so that they learn how to exercise mature power in a group setting. The ideal mature therapy group is a group composed entirely of leaders. Most groups, however, do not have the opportunity or exist for the purpose of psychotherapy or personal growth. As an example, by nature of its mission, the military designedly and probably realistically fosters the naturally occurring regressive dependency of individuals within its groups.<br /><br />Patterns of group behavior are remarkably similar to the behavior of an individual. This is because a group is an organism. It tends to function as a single entity. A group of individuals behave as a unit because of what is called group cohesiveness. There are profound forces at work within a group to keep its individual members together and in line. When these forces to cohesiveness fail, the group begins to disintegrate and ceases to be in a group. Probably the most powerful of these group cohesive forces is again narcissism (but, now group narcissism). In its simplest and most benign form, this is manifested in group pride. As the members feel proud of their group so the group feels proud of itself. A less benign, but practically universal form of group narcissism is what might be called "enemy creation," or hatred of the "out-group." We can see this naturally occurring in children as they first learn to develop groups. The groups become cliques. Those who do not belong to the group (club or clique) are despised as being inferior or evil or both. If a group does not already have an enemy, it will most likely create one in short order. It is almost common knowledge that the best way to cement group cohesiveness is to ferment the group's hatred of an external enemy. Deficiencies within the group can be easily and painlessly overlooked by focusing attention on the deficiencies or "sins" of the out-group.. Thus the Germans under Hitler could ignore their domestic problems by scapegoating the Jews. In the same fashion that evil individuals will flee self-examination and guilt by blaming and attempting to destroy whatever or whoever highlights their deficiencies, the same malignant narcissistic behavior comes naturally to groups. From this it should be obvious that the failing group is the one likely to behave most evilly. Failure wounds our pride, and it is the wounded animal who is vicious. In the healthy organism, failure will be a stimulus to self-examination and criticism. But since the evil individual cannot tolerate self-criticism, it is in time of failure that he or she will inevitably lash out one way or another. And so it is with groups. Group failure and the stimulation of group self-criticism act to damage group pride and cohesiveness. Group leaders in all places and ages have therefore routinely bolstered group cohesiveness in times of failure by whipping the group's hatred for foreigners or the "enemy." Considering more about the potential for evil in specialization, the specialized individual is in a position to pass the moral buck to some other specialized cog in the machine or onto the machine itself. The regression that individuals undergo when they take the role of followers in a group relates to specialization. The follower is not a whole person. He whose accepted role it is neither to think nor lead have defaulted his capacity to think and lead. And because thinking and leading are no longer his specialty or duty, he usually defaults his conscience in the bargain.<br /><br />Turning from consideration of the specialized individual to the specialized group, we will see the same sorts of dangerous forces at work. The specialized group inevitably develops a group character that is self-reinforcing. Second, specialized groups are therefore particularly prone to narcissism, that is, to experiencing themselves as uniquely right and superior in relation to other homogeneous groups. Finally, the society at large- partly, through the self-selection process described, employs specific types of people to perform its specialized roles, as, for instance, it employs aggressive, unconventional men to perform its police functions. But, it is is not realistic to encourage and manipulate human beings into specialized groups and simultaneously expect them, without any significant training, to maintain a breath of the vision much beyond their specialty. The reality is that it is not only possible, but easy and even natural for a large group to commit evil without emotional involvement, simply by turning loose its specialists. What we need to learn is that whenever we create specialty groups, we are creating the dangerous possibility that our right hand will not know what our left is doing. We must realize the potential danger and structure of our specialty groups in such a way as to minimize it. Otherwise we will insulate ourselves from our own deeds, and as a whole people we will become like the individuals described in previous sections: evil. For evil arises in the refusal to acknowledge our own sins. Again and again, we have noted the birth of evil from a condition of threatened narcissism. As the highly narcissistic (evil) individual will strike out to destroy whoever challenges his or her self-image of perfection... Attitudes have a kind of inertia. Once set in motion, they will keep going, even in the face of the evidence. To change an attitude requires a considerable amount of work and suffering. The process must begin either in an purposefully maintained posture of constant self-doubt and criticism or else in a painful acknowledgment that what we thought was right all along may not be right after all. aIt is only from the quicksand of confusion that we are able to leap to the new and better vision.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Victims of evil</span><br /><br />The most typical victim of evil is a child. This is to be expected, because children are not only the weakest and most vulnerable members of our society but also because parents wield a power over the lives of their children that is essentially absolute. The dominion of master over slave is not far different from the domination of parent over child. The child’s immaturity and resulting dependency mandate its parents’ possession of great power but do not negate the fact that this power, like all power, is subject to abuse of various degrees of malignancy. Moreover, the relationship between parent and child is one of enforced intimacy. A master could always sell a slave if the relationship was one he found intolerable. But just as children are not free from their parents, so it is not easy for parents to escape from their children and the pressures that their children impose. Another typical and rather intriguing feature is the extraordinary unity of the parents in the case studies Peck presents. Often both parents were evil.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Evil and Sin</span><br /><br />It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people, rather it is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it. Except for their evil, evil people are most ordinary. They live down the street – on any street. They may be rich or poor, educated or uneducated. There is little that is dramatic about them. They are not designated criminals. More often than not they will be “solid citizens” – Sunday school teachers, policemen, or bankers, and active in the PTA.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Evil People vs. Criminals</span><br /><br />How can this be? How can they be evil and not designated as criminals? The key lies in the word “designated.” They are criminals in that they commit “crimes” against life and liveliness. But except in rare instances – such as the case of a Hitler – when they might achieve extraordinary degrees of political power that remove them from ordinary restraints, their “crimes” are so subtle and covert that they cannot clearly be designated as crimes. Dr. Peck, spent a good deal of time working in prisons with designated criminals. Almost never did he experience them as evil people. Obviously they are destructive, and usually repetitively so. But there is a kind of randomness to their destructiveness. Moreover, although to the authorities they generally deny responsibility for their evil deeds, there is still a quality of openness to their wickedness. They themselves are quick to point this out, claiming that they have been caught, precisely because they are the “honest criminals.” The truly evil, those prisoners will say, almost always reside outside of jail. Although, clearly these proclamations are self-justifying. They are also, generally accurate. People in jail can almost always be assigned a standard psychiatric diagnosis of one kind or another. The diagnoses range all over the map and correspond, in layman’s terms, to such qualities as craziness or impulsiveness or aggressiveness or lack of conscience. The men and women defined as evil have no such obvious defects and do not fall clearly into routine psychiatric pigeonholes. This is not because the evil are healthy. It is simply because there has not yet developed a definition for their disease.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Evil Deeds vs. Evil People</span><br /><br />Since there is a distinguishment between evil people and ordinary criminals, obviously there is the distinction between evil as a personality characteristic and evil deeds. In other words, evil deeds do not an evil person make. Otherwise we should all be evil, because we all do evil things. Sinning is most broadly defined as “missing the mark.” This means that we sin every time, we fail to hit the bull’s-eye. Sin is nothing more and nothing less than a failure to be continually perfect. Because it is impossible for us to be continually perfect, we are all sinners. We routinely fail to do the very best of which we are capable, and with each failure we commit a crime of sorts – against God, our neighbors, or ourselves, if not frankly against the law. Of course there are crimes of greater and lesser magnitude. It is a mistake, however, to think of sin or evil as a matter of degree. It may seem less odious to cheat the rich than the poor, but it is still cheating. There are differences before the law between defrauding a business, claiming a false deduction on your income tax, using a crib sheet in an examination, etc., etc., but the fact remains that they are all lies and betrayals. If you are sufficiently scrupulous not to have done any such thing recently, then ask whether there is any way in which you have lied to yourself. Or have kidded yourself. Or have been less than you could be – which is self- betrayal. Be perfectly honest with yourself, and you will realize that you sin. If you do not realize it, then you are not perfectly honest with yourself, which is itself a sin. It is inescapable: we are all sinners.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cause of failure of self-hatred</span><br /><br />What is the cause of this failure of self-hatred, this failure to be displeasing to oneself, which seems to be the central sin at the root of the scapegoating behavior of those called evil? The cause is not, an absent conscience. There are people, both in and out of jail, who seem utterly lacking in conscience or superego. Psychiatrists call them psychopaths or sociopaths. Guiltless, they not only commit crimes, but may often do so with a kind of reckless abandon. There is little pattern or meaning to their criminality and it is not particularly characterized by scapegoating. Conscienceless, psychopaths appear to be bothered or worried by very little – including their own criminality. They seem to be about as happy inside a jail or not. They do attempt to hide their crimes, but their efforts to do so are often feeble and careless and poorly planned. They have sometimes been referred to as “moral imbeciles,” and there is almost a quality of innocence to their lack of worry and concern.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Familial evil -- the genesis of narcissism</span><br /><br />Evil seems to run in families. But the familial pattern, if accurate, does nothing to resolve the old "nature versus nurture" controversy. Does evil run in families because it is genetic and inherited? Or because it is learned by the child in imitation of its parents: Or even as a defense against its parents? And how are we to explain the fact that many of the children of evil parents, although usually scarred, are not evil? We do not know, and we will not know until an enormous amount of painstaking scientific work has been accomplished. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Since almost all young children demonstrate a formidable array of narcissistic characteristics, it is assumed that narcissism is something we generally "grow out of" in the course of normal development, through a stable childhood, under the care of loving and understanding parents. If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic (such as the enduring the experiences of sexual abuse), it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes of its intolerable life. This theory might well apply to the genesis of human evil. The builders of the medieval cathedrals placed upon their buttresses the figures of gargoyles -- themselves symbols of evil -- in order to ward off the spirits of greater evil. Thus children may become evil in order to defend themselves against the onslaught of parents who are evil. It is possible, therefore, to think of human evil -- or some of it -- as a kind of psychological gargoylism.<br /><br />There are other ways, however, to look at the genesis of human evil. Some of us are very good and some of us very evil, and most of us are somewhere in between. We might therefore think of human good and evil as a kind of continuum. As individuals we can move ourselves one way or another along the continuum. Just as there is a tendency for the rich to get richer, however, and the poor to get poorer, so there seems to be a tendency for the good to get better and the bad to get worse.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/02/06/link-good-read-re-evil-narcissim">Source: Lisa E Scott</a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://samredman.com/peopleofthelie/"></a>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3717240986719661128.post-46804167760250123412009-10-31T23:59:00.000-05:002015-08-25T18:35:31.643-05:00UpdatedJameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16765007612774689015noreply@blogger.com0