Friday, February 13, 2009

The Beginning?

The Biggest Lie
By: James

“Nothing was going to change and that only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore”.

A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son he turn to me and said,

“You know dad what biggest lie she ever told us was“?

I said "No son I don't"?

“When she told us nothing was going to change and how much everything has changed“.

“Guess so son and maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us“.....

I remember that day so well as if it only happen yesterday. It was the late evening of May 22, of the year 2006 between the hours of 7:00 pm and 8:30 pm. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much different for my children and I could ever imagine. I just finish with the washing trying to help out more around the house after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s day when she decision not to come home that day after telling me about her going to a hair demonstrate with her sister and mother. I know now that too was a lie and that in fact she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact I was even at this time frame still trying to work on our relationship again and again trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing and coming back to the house my ex out of the blue inform me that she had something to tell me and “believes” that I wouldn’t “like it” as stated by her own words. I look at her and without her saying one word I replied.

“You met someone and you are leaving us?” She only shook her head yes as to reply.

“Do you love him” I asked? And She only shook her head yes as to reply.

And for some reason there was a small grin on her face..

For some reason after she inform me of this, the day she didn’t return home on Mother’s day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remember me calling her cell phone that late evening the day before Mother’s day and asking when she was coming home and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s day. I remember asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home and she inform me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s day and how I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early and this too was a lie. In fact she didn’t return home on Mother’s day until very late that evening.

After telling me this about her leaving us and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie) she told me that she would leave in a “week”. Now dear readers please understand what kind of emotional state I was in and trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! That if she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight believing this was best for the children her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we “were fighting”. Something that they have become accustom to over the many years of us being together. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving and in fact told me that “Dad I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child of 12 years of age was in tears. My heart was torn.

For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her just to “TELL HIM“! The name she gave him was also a lie. Which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see dear readers that still weren’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for 1 week before leaving and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me while my youngest was begging me with her having a slight grin on her face! I remember that “grin“ so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like this when she knew she had me over a barrel she knowing full well that I loved my children and always tried to give them what they wanted the most, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him “No son I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight” is what I told him!

I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.

Then at one point during this nightmare. She told both the boys that “nothing was going to change and that only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore”. I of course yell back at her. “THAT IS A LIE AND THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE”! As I told her this I was looking straight in her face and this is what I saw. Nothing!

Dear readers please allow to me explain. Now I saw this plain unemotionally detached look on her face many times before but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look” that I can’t be sure but for some reason it took an different shape and a new meaning for me.

What I witness were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad just let her GO!” is what my son yelled out! That he too had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I too was torn but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible. Believing her lies about living with her parents. I witness three people in anguish. But from her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! No sense of lost from her. I witness and saw from her not one single emotional expression other then that “grin“ when she was standing behind my youngest son begging me to let her stay for 1 week! I saw nothing in those eyes!

Now at the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from a Personality Disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I hear from a movie I watched. A Borderline Personality Disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms or personality disorders. So why still when I saw her blank expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe dear readers is because I look into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone that could tell her own children the biggest lie and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. How shallow she felt toward her own children and my youngest son‘s turmoil. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!


James said...

You notice that huh? But yes it's true. I seen those eyes many times and they left me feeling the same, very cold and detached.

James said...

I would recommend reading the book by M. Scott Peck, M.D. People of The Lie.