The Wolves Within

People who suffer from an personality disorder can be filled with hate. This explain why you will experience from time to time “narcissistic rages”. I believe whenever we fill ourselves up with hate it will consume us and will destroy all that which is good in that person sociality and the general public. So I would advise others to feed only the “good” wolf and starve the other one. Hate it self is pointless and will only promote more of the same.

~The Wolves Within~

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a schoolmate who had done him an injustice, Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.


He continued, It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.


The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked,

“Which one wins, Grandfather?” The Grandfather smiled and said, “The one I feed, son, the one I feed.
”

~ Author Unknown ~ (has been attributed to Shaw though)”

Narcissim: What makes a Narcissit tick

No Contact Please

We are now almost at the end of this blog. If you read the beginning part of this blog you will know that all this started in May 22, 2006. It’s now May 22, 2009.

We started NC around the end of July or the beginning of August of the year 2006. First for those that don’t understand the concept of No Contact I would like to give you some information of this concept.

No contact:

What is NC? The concept is to cut off all physical contact with that person. For some of us this is not possible for those with children of tender years and sometimes other then this it still may be almost impossible but one can still limit to a great degree the amount of contact you have with these toxic dysfunctional people in your life.

The personality disorder person see this concept as a type of revenge but that couldn’t be further from the truth. NC is for the victim only and has nothing to do with the abuser. We go NC for many reasons and in many different ways depending on the person in question. We go NC for survivor and to heal. We come to a understanding that this toxic dysfunctional relationship is harmful and dangerous to our well being our minds and our souls. Only through NC do we get the time to stop the emotional roller coaster ride once and for all we have been on and sometimes for years. NC screams “stop the ride because I want off!!!”.

When I stated “physical contact” I mean just that. No phone calls letters (text) no physical contact in anyway. By going NC we get the chance to clean out all these toxic emotional turmoil we had in our minds and physical body. Many are addicted to this abusive lifestyle much like a alcoholic would be for alcohol. There was something wrong with us or should I say inside of us.

Some attract these type of toxic dysfunctional relationships because of our upbringing by our parents or caretakers. We need time to understand this and then do whatever possible to correct this way of thinking and feeling. NC allows this to happen over many years. NC allow the person(s) to once again discover who they are and not what was projected on them by the abuser.

You were told you are worthless
You were told you are unlovable
You were told no one will love you
You were told you are stupid
You were told you not good enough
You were told many negative words and statements
All are untrue and was projection and given to you by your abuser.

We need time to undo all those lies and projections again NC allow this to happen over time.

Many times after the toxic dysfunctional relationship ended and because you invested so much of you into this toxic dysfunctional relationship many don’t even know who they are. In many ways NC allow us to know that person who existed before all the abusive damage was done. Many come away broken and need to mend. This can only be done away from the abuser.

How long should NC (if possible) last? Well if one is dealing with a sociopath, I would say for the rest of your life. But if this isn’t possible and sometimes for those with children it isn’t then distance from your abuser is what you need now. The more miles between the abuser and you is what we need. But after our children grow and start to see that damage the abuser causes they too will decide if NC is for them as well. But if your children are already at a age were they too have experienced the abuse and understand why NC is so very important then complete no contact can be introduce and started. Again NC has nothing whatsoever to do with the abuser, no it’s for the victim who is now becoming the survivors.

So to my personal abuser this is all my children and I want to say to you.

Listen to the song by Lily Allen because it really says it all and yes please don’t stay in touch.

NC: Three years later and counting.....

So now after three years of NC (No Contact) and healing growing and learning my children and I have just this to say to Dorothy and her crew and please don't stay in touch.

Look inside
Look inside
Your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
Cos we’re so uninspired
So sick and tired
Of all
The hatred you harbor

So you say
It’s not okay to be gay
Well I think
You’re just evil
You’re just some racist
Who can’t tie my laces
You’re point of view
Is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos we hate
What you do
And we hate
Your whole crew
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos your words
Don’t translate
And it’s getting
Quite late
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Do you get
Do you get
A little kick out
of being
Small minded
You want to be
Like your father
His approval
Your after
Well that’s not how
You’ll find it

Do you
Do you really enjoy
Living a life
That’s so hateful
Cos there’s a hole
Where your soul
Should be
You’re losing
Control of it
And it’s really
Distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos we hate
What you do
And we hate
Your whole crew
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos your words
Don’t translate
And it’s getting
Quite late
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Look inside
Look inside
Your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
Cos we’re so uninspired
So sick and tried
Of all
The hatred you harbor


Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos we hate
What you do
And we hate
Your whole crew
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos your words
Don’t translate
And it’s getting
Quite late
So please
Don’t stay in touch.........

Why many want NC (No Contact)

Very interesting news. Interesting how patterns and red flags are so constance with those that suffer from a personality disorder. This was very interesting for me because it show how those people who suffer from this emotional/moral disorder are true chameleons and can mend into any environment they may find themselves involve with as well as the patterns for which they are well know for. I believe we all can learn much from Ms. Ferrell.

Thanks

The following are “red flags” concerning the behavior of Ms. Ferrell.

Bobby:

The pity play: RED FLAG

When Bobby had been seeing Ms. Ferrell for about six weeks, one of her friends told him that Ms. Ferrell was dying of cancer. When he confronted her, Bobby said she told him “the sob story—‘I’m estranged from my parents, I don’t know who my birth parents are, my adoptive parents are abusive.’ It never occurred to me that it would be odd that someone who’s dying of cancer, who has three months to live, would just move from Salt Lake City to Brooklyn.”

Gaslighting: RED FLAG

The doctors were treating but good news was: ‘There’s something wrong with your appendix, it’s a little inflamed. But, good news, we couldn’t find any cancer in your lungs!”

According to Bobby, Ms. Ferrell dismissed this diagnosis, saying that her cancer was the kind of thing that could show up on a scan one day and disappear the next.

Joe:

Lack of personal/sexual boundary marker: RED FLAG

“She has this thing with guys where she talks about sex really upfront and kind of puts people off balance,” said Joe. (It was also around November that a guy named Troy was at Union Pool, the Williamsburg bar, when the bartender passed him a note from another customer. It read, “I want to give you a hand job with my mouth,” and was signed “Korean Abdul-Jabbar.” It was, according to Troy, from Ms. Ferrell.

librarian:

No Contact:

“A few days later, the librarian recalled, Ms. Ferrell said she was tired and might want to go to the emergency room. “She had claimed she needed to go to Sloan-Kettering—she said that’s why she came to New York, to go to that hospital. But she said she couldn’t go to Sloan-Kettering when she had complications. At the emergency room, the doctors couldn’t find her information...She gave them her Social Security number and they couldn’t find any records at Sloan-Kettering. I figured this was one of these administrative things where they couldn’t find her information.”

Soon the librarian realized that something wasn’t right, and Googled her. “Finally I just sent her an email saying that I knew, and I wasn’t going to hang out with her anymore, and then I told all the friends I had met through her the same story. They basically cut off contact with her.”
“A couple months later, meanwhile, the librarian got a call from Mount Sinai hospital; Ms. Ferrell had listed him as an emergency contact. “They said, ‘Do you have any information about her? Can you tell her she owes us money?”

Supply:

In January at an HBO party, Ms. Ferrell met a 24-year-old writer who lives in Williamsburg. By this point, she had moved to Throop Avenue in Bedford-Stuyvesant because, she told him, the building she’d been living in previously got condemned. The writer felt immediately drawn into Ms. Ferrell’s orbit; they ended up hanging out about four times a week. “She acts very warm and super-interested in what people have to say,” he recalled. “And she has lots of offers for things. She’s really into music and knows a lot about music. She’ll say, ‘I work at GoldenVoice, I can get you into that show. Anything you want to go to, I can get you on the list.’ We’d go and would end up not being on the list, but somehow we’d end up getting in—she’d just wink at the door guy and we’d get inside. Almost everyone who’s a dude, she’s really super sexually aggressive with—I’ve seen her send text messages to these guys that are really, really explicit, just to lure these dudes in. I guess these guys see that and say, ‘She’s attractive, she’s really aggressive, I’m into that.’ Even with girls, she would meet my friends and be really nice and warm and say she could get them into places—we would go out dancing and have a great time. She always got everyone’s phone number and email and followed up with them.”

In March, Ms. Ferrell got offered the job at Vice. “We had these long conversations about whether she should leave GoldenVoice and go to Vice or not,” said the writer. “This is one of the things that disturbs me more than anything else—we talked for 30 minutes about whether she should change jobs or not. We had an engaging conversation about something that was completely a fantasy.”

Casey Hansen:

History of pathology anti-social behavior:

“That was where she met Casey Hansen, now 24. “She just kind of messaged me out of nowhere, commenting on my profile picture,” Mr. Hansen said. “It was of Santa Claus holding a sign that said, ‘I don’t exist.’” The two started dating.”

“She told Mr. Hansen she was 18 and had graduated from high school that year. Her driver’s license said she was 17, though, and Ms. Ferrell’s parents even told him how old she was. “She just said there was something weird with her birth certificate, since she’d been adopted from South Korea,” Mr. Hansen said. He believed her. “She held on to this thing about her age, for no real valid reason, for like two years. I feel like that was a harbinger of things to come.”
“Around New Year’s 2005, she moved to Arizona to live with her mom, but moved back to Salt Lake City three months later. That April she moved in with some straight-edge kids in Salt Lake City. Within a week, Mr. Hansen said, she told him she was getting text messages from phone numbers she didn’t recognize. She told him they said things like, “I’m going to rape you to death.” She told her roommates she thought she knew who it was, a local kid. She told Mr. Hansen that she and her roommates went to the kid’s family’s house and slashed tires and broke windows.”

Mr. Hansen: This is the person who told police about her visit to Philly.

Victim/Survivor:

One night after they’d had sex, she accused Mr. Hansen of cheating on her. “I came downstairs and she was sitting over her phone, crying,” he said. “She said someone had pictures of me with my ex-girlfriend. I never had had a girlfriend before, let alone, how did someone have pictures of me?” A couple weeks later, Mr. Hansen went to Los Angeles with his band; Ms. Ferrell and some of her friends tagged along. She accused a guy of hitting on her and Mr. Hansen said, he "almost knocked his teeth out."*

“In the fall, she told Mr. Hansen that she was finally able to access the money that she hadn’t been able to get to because of the previous fraud on her checking account. “She started depositing all these checks into my account, literally depositing $300, $500, $1,100 at a time,” he said “They keep giving me money whenever I wanted to withdraw. She kept saying she couldn’t use her ATM card, telling me, ‘You cash these checks and give me the money.’ One day I hand them a check for $1,200 and I asked the teller, ‘Are these good? I assume they are, because you guys just keep giving me money and you’re a bank, but can you just check on this?’ And he tells me they’re good.” This went on for about a week and a half, for a total of $10,600, before the bank belatedly realized the checks were written from an account that wasn’t even open.”

“I was in denial,” said Mr. Hansen. “She’d always make up something to prolong it.” Mr. Hansen tried to break up with her. She told him she had cancer.”

“She told him she was being stalked again.”

“In October she got a new roommate, a friend she’d known for several years, and, according to Mr. Hansen, scammed him out of $3,000.”

“Later, Mr. Hansen somehow thought it would be a good idea for him to buy a used car, a Volkswagen Jetta, for Ms. Ferrell to make the payments on. It was a five-year loan at 20 percent interest. She made two payments on the car. Mr. Hansen ended up filing for bankruptcy.”

Thanks again and something like this for me can be very therapeutically. This isn’t about Dorothy Chambers but can serve to help understand why many of us choose and maintain NC.

http://www.observer.com/2009/style/hipster-grifter

S.E.T.

I started (almost finished) reading the book:

I HATE YOU-don’t leave me by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. & Hal Straus.

First allow me to say this book must be a best reader because this copy gave from the library falling apart...

Anyway, one part of the book explain how to communicate to a BP called SET. This was developed by the staff of the Comprehensive Treatment Unit of Saint John’s Mercy Medical Center in St. Louis.

“SET”-Support Empathy Truth-is a three-part system of communication. During confrontations of destructive behavior, important decision-making sessions, or other crises, interactions with the borderline should invoke all three of these elements.
The “S” stage of this system, “Support,” invokes a personal statement of concern. “I am sincerely worried about how you are feeling” is an example of a Support statement. The emphasis is on the speaker’s own feelings and is essentially a personal pledge to try to be of help.

With the “Empathy” segment, one attempts to acknowledge the borderline’s chaotic feelings: “How awful you must be feeling.....” It is important not to confuse Empathy with sympathy (“I feel sorry for you....”), which may elicit rage over perceived condescension. Also, Empathy should be expressed in a neutral way with minimal personal reference to the speaker’s own feelings. The emphasis here is on the borderline’s painful experience, not the speaker’s. A statement like “I know just how bad you are feeling” invites a mocking rejoinder that, indeed, you do not know, and only aggravates conflict.

The “T” statement, representing “Truth” or reality, emphasizes that the borderline is ultimately responsible for his/her life and that others’ attempts to help cannot preempt this primary responsibility. While Support and Empathy are subjective statements acknowledging how the principals feel, Truth statements show recognition that a problem exists and address the practical issue of what can be done to solve it. “Well, what are you doing to do about it?” is one essential Truth response. Other characteristic Truth expressions refer to actions that the speaker feels compelled to take in response to the borderline’s behaviors, which should be expressed in a matter-of-fact, neutral fashion (“Here’s what happened... These are the consequences... This is what I can do... What are you going to do?...”) But they should be stated in a way that avoids blaming and sadistic punishing (“This is a fine mess you gotten us into!”). The Truth part of the “SET” system is the most important and the most difficult for the borderline to accept since so much of his world excludes or rejects realistic consequences.

Communication with the borderline should attempt to include all three messages. However, even if all three parts are stated, the borderline may not integrate all of them. Predictable responses result when one of these levels is either not clearly stated or is not “heard”.

The writer goes on to state that we can use the “SET” system whenever we are dealing with a relationship in crisis and/or if we are dealing with a person who we wish to help but not allow them to use us by emotional “blackmail”. I for one believe I can use it in my personal life and will start doing so. The “SET” system was developed for BP but can be used for others we care about and want to help. Will the “SET” system worked on sociopathic people? No, because one element of the system is truth. Something some of those that suffer from personality disorders have the biggest problem with, Truth. So those who are NPD and/or ASPD would have a very hard time hearing the full statements.

"Predatorily" (reptilian) gaze

"In the book Violent Attachments, women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath - it is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the "predatorily" (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of "being eaten." They tend to invade peoples' space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)"