Monday, May 28, 2012


Many victims from Toxic Dysfunctional Relationships ask about closure from the abuser. One thing I have learned about those who suffer from a Personality Disorder is that they don't accept responsibility and will project blame onto others for mistakes within that relationship. Also, such as a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) you were once a source of supply (Narcissistic Supply) for them and may also have help them and assisted them with money attention or whatever they were looking for in you. So closure isn't something they want plus it's too much like giving and remember they don't share anything. No, sorry but if you want any type of closure. Then you will have to give it to your-self. Closure is within you and due to it being so personal it must come within your own mind body and soul. I like to list a few types of closure I have experience in my own personal healing and self empowerment.

The closure of a relationship born in lies will die a thousand deaths.

Closure for me came in parts. What I mean is whenever I accept a part of my own reality as too what I was dealing with and then accept that new part of reality for myself I gain a portion of a personal closure. One part I would like too share is just how dysfunctional and toxic my life had become due to having an dysfunctional and toxic relationship with someone who will never be able to accept her part and responsibility in a normal and functional relationship. How this person never wanted to change even through on many times she acted as she could. Yes, three times we attended therapy but never once did she see her part and responsibility in this relationship. By giving false hope in a relationship doom to fail is both toxic and dysfunctional. Closure came when I accepted this reality and knew it was time to walk away then once and for all to allow this lie of even being able to have a relationship with my ex to ever becoming a reality for us. 

The closure of what is wrong with me?

Once I accepted the reality that this relationship was doom from the beginning I wonder what's wrong with me. So then closure came in portions of questions. Real soul searching questions. Many of these answers took me back to my own childhood and the relationships I had with those who raised me. Accepting the reality that I was raised in a toxic and dysfunctional family environment since birth. Wondering why my birth mother left me as a child. Why my father was unable to love me due to having an chemical dependency. Sad days as a child that the only thing I wanted for Christmas were parents due to having too live in a foster home with people who nether love me nor care about me. Having lost all contact with my siblings, the very first relationships I had as a new born. It's no wonder why my own personal goal was to have my "own" family even as a young child. Accepting the reality that I was not only psychologically and emotionally abuse but also sexually abused as a child. Yes, dear readers there is much wrong with me and as I started to accept my own reality and responsibility of these types of abuse. Only then did both healing and closure was allow to happen within me. That this child yet still remain inside of me, needed both love too heal and allow to love back with forgiveness and the knowledge of abuse that did happen to him. That this broken child can be heal and allow to become no longer the victim but a survivor. Maybe this is why my lord and savior asked of me to forgive my enemies for only then can real closure and acceptance happen within our souls?

The closure of a cycle of abuse.

I have to be able to see and acknowledge abuse whenever it happen to anyone I love care about or even a stranger in a strange land. I needed to stop the cycle of abuse. My own personal acceptance and acknowledgment of my own abuse on others. I had to understand that if I abuse anyone at anytime during this life, I must go to them and beg for their forgiveness. Pride is a dog that needs a master and training. I came to understand that the only way to stop abusive behavior begins with me and then ends with me. If I don't allow abuse within me do you think I would allow it in others? If I want abuse to end then I must become a example of a person that will never tolerate abuse in my personal life and more importantly in myself, therefore I must lead by example. Words are easy but actions are stronger and longer lasting. If I want abuse to end, then I must understand my own personal responsibility for it's existence. The cycle of abuse ends only when it begins with me and will end with me. A closure of both personal acceptance and responsibility for ending abusive behavior in myself but also in others. Abuse comes in many forms so that one must be open too all types of abuse. So like a small fire if one see abuse, then stamp it out for if not then it came grow just like a forest fire. So I need to lead by example and hope others will follow to end this cycle of abuse.

The closure of self forgiveness and acceptance

While forgiveness comes from both God and people, I came to understand how I needed to forgive myself for wrong done to others and myself. Isn't beating yourself up and not letting go of these wrong a form of self abuse? I believe in is. The acceptance that I am not a perfect person and can and do abuse others is a personal reality and one I must take personal responsibility for. While I desirer to be the best father possible I understand and acknowledge that I not. While I want to be the best possible partner possible at times, the truth is I'm simple am not. So while I must go to those I wrong for forgiveness and how I must understand that I need to try harder, still with the understanding that I have limitation and many personal flaws within me. Self forgiveness and self acceptance is a form of self love. If I can't forgive and accept this limitation in myself, how can I forgive and accept that in others. If one can forgive one self then one can forgive others, if one can accept limitations in one self then on can accept that in others and then and only then if one can love one self then they will be able to love others.



Claire said...

Sorry I posted on an old post and was indignant. I can see now you've worked hard and come a long way...

I too came on a similar journey. It took for me to feel trend pus pain am betrayal for me to see the wrongs I had been guilty of. It's liberating isn't it???

Wishing you and your family happiness x

James said...

Thanks Claire and the same for yourself!