Dorothy Chambers: Personality Disorder

Cause and Effect

2012-01-29T05:03:00.004-06:00

Whenever we come into contact with anyone, it will always come with the Cause and Effect factors. With Compassionate loving and open people we share this trait with them if we too have these attributes to share. With a co-partner with empathy and love can contribute much to our growth albeit emotionally psychologically and spiritually. Which in part we must give back to them.

But the Cause and Effect from a toxic dysfunctional partner brings about a different beginning and then end...

Those that suffer from a personality disorder bring little and then nothing more to a relationship. Much as a parasite, they will feed on the co-partner by taking more and more. A PD (personality disorder) like one that suffers from the cluster B has lost the ability to grow and learn from mistakes they made from other relationships. Because much like the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), He/She had to learn to survive from a defense stand learned early in life from their parent(s) and/or caretaker. All Children are born with this Narcissistic defense due to it being important to their very mortality and survivor. It's not a learned trait; it is an inherent ability from a long history of mankind.

Soon our children mature and learn that they are not the center of all things. That mother and father too have their own needs emotions both positive and negative. This Narcissistic shield that the child is born with, gets chip away little by little as they grow, until there is but a small amount left to insure a healthy normal self-respect. It's this "chipping" away effect that causes the young person to know and feel empathy for others..

But for those who suffer from a personality disorder, something within that child goes wrong. Having suffers from those who should have protected the child, this effect didn't happen. The person who should have loved that child didn't, so again this effect never happened. Instead of building up the child, it was used and sometimes even abused. Again this had a deep effect on that child.

So this child learned not to open up to that parent(s) or caretaker. So many times it only cause that child pain albeit emotionally and psychologically. This child learned early on to depend only on it self. The child has learned early to be what the parent(s) or caretaker wants for any type of acknowledgment or attention from them. The child learns to pretend lie and manipulate to get what she/he wants. All of this and more have caused this child to remain in a Narcissistic shell, protected from a hostile and unwelcoming environment.

Love it-self has for this child becomes a lie and a weakness. As this child becomes an adult, He/She will build yet more walls due to all of the lies and so many secrets they them self have. The Causes of suffering from a personality disorder is many and we are still learning more and more year by year. It's not sure what percentage is environmental and what is inherent. But the effect(s) on a child born within a dysfunctional toxic family can cause that child to become just as toxic and dysfunctional as their parent(s) or caretaker.

Still most of my concern and attention goes to the many victims. Much like myself, I too must look deep within my self and inner child. Searching for my own "Cause and Effect" of a childhood born into it's own dysfunctional toxic family. We know that a cause and effect from this dysfunctional toxic parent(s) can cause the child to suffer from a personality disorder, but it can also have the ability to have a broken child to become a victim as well. Some of us from these types of dysfunctional homes spend the rest of our life looking for what we didn't get from our parent(s). We have been condition to look for people like our dysfunctional parent(s). That in a way by "helping" them we can somehow correct the mistakes our parent(s) made on us. By loving the unlovable, we will be loved by a parent unable to love us. By fixing them (PD) we can somehow turn back the clock of time with our dysfunctional and unlovable parent(s).

A very good piece on this is from Joanna Ashmun web site Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): How to recognize a Narcissist.

“If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist. Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way.”

Only by learning this flaw within ourselves and correcting it will we begin to understand that we need to love ourselves first, so that then we can give it to others. If we want to stop being the "victim", then we must stop putting ourselves in positions where we can be come victimized. What is needed here is a strong understanding of boundaries and healthy self-esteem. That we acknowledge we are part of the problem but we also can become the solution too this broken dysfunctional record being recycled over and over again within relationships where both love and respect for the other doesn’t exist. That giving and never getting any type of exchange from our effort is wrong on so many levels.

We don’t work on others that we can’t fix; no we start working on ourselves where it can and needs to be fixed. We stop being the victim (broken child) and then begin being the survivor from a broken home and dysfunctional relationship we had with our parent(s) or caretakers. We began to understand the Causes and then the Effects in our personal life, accepting the fact we are part of the problem but also the solution to this cause and effect. One thing that separates all of us from each other is secrets and regrets. So that we must rid ourselves of all personal secrets and then lost of those regrets will follow..

If only our counter-parts the abuser can learn this, then and only then will they too rid themselves of all secrets and many personal regrets.

What it Feels like to be Me

2012-01-29T03:48:00.003-06:00

Why NC is Important to me...

2011-12-30T07:33:00.020-06:00

One day soon after Dorothy Chambers was gone and we stopped all contact with her by phone because once again she broke a promise made to me that I didn‘t want anyone else to call me or get my personal home phone number which included her family and friends. I told her that if she broke this promise that I would change our home phone number and she would never get the new one. Which she never did.

Dorothy agreed with this but I knew it was only a matter of time before she would break this promise. Remember Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar so one can’t believe any promises made or anything she tells you.

After she broke her promise not to give our phone to anyone else and I having received a call from her now “new” soulmate who threaten me about having my sons who wrote a letter to their mother explaining about how they felt about visiting her or having them call her. I did in fact change our home phone number at that time as agreed and our home phone numbers was changed within 24 hours with the help and assist from our current home phone carrier. Please read:

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/03/correspondences-from-2006.html

for more information concerning the letters mailed too Dorothy Chambers.

But please back to my story. One day soon after changing our home phone number my oldest son came and told me how his friend’s mother received an unexpected phone call from some friend of my now ex Dorothy Chambers. My son’s friends mother is from the Philippines so the reader might want to keep this in mind when reading this, plus she never really knew my ex very well to begin with.

Anyway, one night a caller called and got his mother on the phone and then asked for Dorothy Chambers home phone number knowing that my son’s friend had our new number. Of course only Dorothy Chamber would have know this. Only Dorothy Chambers herself had my oldest son’s friend’s home phone number. This along tells me that Dorothy Chambers was behind this deceitful act and consented the phone call.

Well unknown to the caller and I can only guess that Dorothy Chambers as well, that my son’s friend and his mother never had a very close relationship and she didn’t know most of her son’s friends, let alone their phone numbers. Also to note to the readers, his mother forgot to turn off the answering machine when she answered this call so that this conversation was accidentally recorded. My oldest son’s friend was nice enough to allow all of us to listen to the recorded conversation between the unknown caller and his mother.

*Also of interest the caller tried to disguise his voice but did a really bad job at it. We all had a good laugh over that one! We never really knew who this person was but we believe it to be the new boyfriend.

The recorded phone conversation went like this:

Caller: I am close friend of Dorothy. I am looking for her and wanted to know if you could give me her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who do you want?
Caller: I looking for Dorothy Chambers and wanted to know if you have her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: There is no Dorothy that lives here? Why you call me?
Caller: I know she doesn’t live there I just want you to give me her home phone number!
Friend’s mother: I don’t understand, No Dorothy lives here! Why you call me?
Caller: So you won’t give me Dorothy’s home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who is Dorothy? Dorothy doesn’t live here! What you want?
Caller: Okay then. (Caller hangs up)

Now the friend’s mother didn’t know whom Dorothy Chambers was and also didn’t have that information. I guess because she was from another country the tricksters thought they could trick her into giving the caller our new home phone number by telling her they were a friend looking for Dorothy Chambers. These of course are the tall tell signs of a manipulator but it didn’t work with my oldest son‘s friend’s mother simply because she really didn't know Dorothy Chamber, nor had our home phone number. Too bad too sad.

Now let's we will go back a few days before I heard the recorded message conversation myself....

The night my oldest son came and told me about this call so that at the time I thought Dorothy Chambers left her new boyfriend and might be back in the state of Illinois. Remember I at this time don’t know about the recorded conversation just that someone called my oldest son‘s friends mother and asked her for Dorothy‘s home phone number in this state. Dorothy Chamber was now living in Wisconsin and not Illinois. So I thought to myself, why would the caller look for her here. Dorothy's own family knew she lived in Wisconsin and had contact with her so it couldn't have been through them. Also due to the fact Dorothy's friends (the few she had) no doubt knew nothing or little about her decision to leave her children and moved to Wisconsin, so it wouldn't have been them. No, whoever called that night knew exactly where Dorothy Chambers was and it wasn't in Illinois.

What happens next is something I never experienced before and hope to God never again.

I had a major panic attack but at the time didn‘t know that!

Just with the thought that she might return to Illinois, I started feeling like I was having a heart attack!

I have all the signs....

Numbest in my right arm
Tightness of the chest
Blood rushing to my head
Feeling like I would pass out
Feeling of hopelessness and a sense thread
Feeling like I was would die

I called my brother-in-law and asked him if he would drive to the hospital because I believed I was having an heart attack! He did drive me there that night.

The doctors in the emergency room ran all the necessary tests to determine if I indeed was having a stroke or heart attack. But my entire tests came back with a good bill of health and that I wasn‘t having an attack.

The good doctor then suggested I see a psychologist, which I did the following week.

All this just thinking she might return? This of course got me thinking what else is wrong with me? So seeing a psychologist sounded like a very good ideal.

Of course this happened five years ago and something like this wouldn’t happen again but it shows the effect these people can have on us in the beginning of our healing and understanding just what we are dealing with. These people are toxic to us so remember things like this can and do happen. The psychological and emotional damage done by abusers is long standing and can invade your now peaceful life and a state of serenity in a heartbeat...

Remember they are nothing but Cowards.

2011-07-28T19:34:00.008-05:00

One continues behavior I have witness throughout my experience with toxic dysfunctional people ( i.e. Personality Disorders) is they are cowards. I believe most if not all those involved with a TDP (Toxic Dysfunctional Person) will also bear witness to this behavior albeit a business or personal relationship. Remember readers, like cowards TDP are very good at hiding their true self so one must really look hard and with a open mind whenever one gets involved with one. A coward will always scarifies others to save their own skin so if one is involved with a TDP, get out as quickly as possible…

Much like a vampire TDP too fear the light of truth. And also like a coward will run hide and deny the truth and sometimes to their own death. But we should remember that these people aren’t monsters to fear but people who suffer from a personality disorder. Anyway, behind their mask one will find the coward hiding much like a child afraid of the dark. In fact many relate to just how immature and child like their actions can be if one was to confront and/or challenge them at anytime throughout the relationship. If challenged we see tears or rage or both. But what one really wants to look for is just how immature and out of control these behavior patterns are. Also to remember is that the tears are always for themselves but the rage is always directed at you. So to them you are the cause for their tears and the source of their rage. Remember like a true coward their best defense if a good offense. If one challenges a coward like maybe their character or behavior, they will in turn challenge your character or behavior. TPD will always do the same.

This cowardice will be displayed throughout custodians cases. Acting and wanting the court system to see them as victims and the abused parent, fighting the good fight for their children. Sad but true is too often lawyers judges and the court system is all but to happy to bestow them that. Also they want their own children to see them as the victim as well. Hiding the truth how they are in fact the abusers. This cowardice is displayed to family and friends as well. Again displaying themselves as the victim. And like a coward they are very good at this display of victim-hood having done and displayed this behavior pattern over and over again to gain whatever it is they want. To a coward the ends always justifies the means. In war time soldiers (cowards) have been know to injury themselves to get out of fighting knowing they will be sent back to a service hospital. TDP themselves have also been know to threaten and/or injury themselves to get sympathy from family and/or friends. For more information on this, I suggest reading more on Munchausen syndrome. Yet another personality trait for those that suffer from a personality disorder. Those that kill themselves are view by society as cowards, so the saying goes “he/she took the cowardly way out”. TPD ( i.e. Borderline Personality Disorder) are best know for this type of cowardly behavior.

Abusers do all their dirty work behind closes doors and away from public sight. Much like the coward does. They feel more comfortable attacking one behind their backs then to face them. Cowards can only gain respect by tearing down others, again much like a TDP. Cowards can’t be believed and their words are worthless knowing they will say anything to get them out of trouble or to gain something they want. Much like a TDP will. Lying is just a tool for them and will use it whenever they please. Coward hide behind a false mask, again much like TDP would. If ever their world starts to fall apart, just watch these cowards run and hide. Man, if it wasn’t so sad it would indeed be funny. But it’s their cowardly behavior that does so much damage and heartache to the real victims.

Readers here is a test, just think about a cowardly behavior then think about your ex. Was this behavior ever display by him/her? I myself have done this test before about my ex and again and again I see just how much of a coward she has always been. Cowards in the end never get what they want also much like a TDP won‘t…

I remember a old saying:

“A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave person dies but once”

How true, oh how very true….

So readers, whenever you think they (TDP) have the upper hand over you, remember just how much of a coward and child like (immature) they really are! So in ending just like a coward these TDP are nothing less then losers users and abusers. Showing us over and over again the true colors and behavior of a Coward…

The Wikipedia defines Cowardice as:

“Cowardice is the perceived failure to demonstrate sufficient robustness and courage in the face of a challenge. Under many military codes of justice, cowardice in the face of combat is a crime punishable by death (cf. shot at dawn). The term describes a personality trait which is viewed as a negative characteristic and has been shunned and disdained (see norms) within most, if not all cultures, while courage, typically viewed as its direct opposite, is generally rewarded and encouraged.

Cowards are usually seen to have avoided or refused to engage in a confrontation or struggle which has been deemed good or righteous by the wider culture in which they live. On a more mundane level, the label may be applied to those who are regarded as too frightened or overwhelmed to defend their rights or those of others from aggressors in their lives.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coward

One thing about this definition by Wikipedia is how it calls it a “personality trait”. So that in so much as to whenever I refer to a TDP, I am referring to a person who suffers from a personality disorder. So we do come to the conclusion that a coward and those who suffer from a Personality Disorder do share this type of personality trait.

So in ending readers, again I like to remind you that if ever you feel they have the upper hand and power over you. Please remember that it’s only temporary for cowards are cowards until the ending of their long sad days…..

But the remembrance and songs of our heroes will be sung until the ending of mankind and his and hers children's children..

Toxic Relationships

2011-06-16T16:35:00.015-05:00

One of my favorite song and whenever I listen to it, I think about those struck in a toxic relationship and how no one in this relationship will grow from it, albeit it emotionally psychologically or spiritually.

If you are in one, please get out for this road always leads to the same place...

Someplace I myself have no desire nor need to go too again..

Something one person is crazy about due to it being passionate to them is one thing but being obsessional about it? Well, that's just CRAZY..

Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution

2011-06-05T20:31:00.005-05:00

Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution

Enmeshment. At the extreme of boundary dissolution is enmeshment, a lack of acknowledgment of the separateness between the self and other. Minuchin (1974) described the enmeshed family as one in which family members are overly involved with and reactive to one another, such that "a sneeze brings on a flurry of handkerchief offers." On the positive side, such families may provide feelings of mutuality, belonging, and emotional support. However, at the extreme, enmeshment interferes with the child's development of autonomy and individual agency. Changes in one family member quickly reverberate throughout the entire family system and may be perceived as threats to the family togetherness. For example, adolescence may precipitate a crisis when a young person begins to assert his or her own independence, such as by expressing the desire to go away for college (Kerig, in press-a). In psychodynamic theory enmeshment is the initial state of being from which all children must wrest their sense of individual selfhood. According to separation-individual theory (Mahler, Pine, and Bergman 1975), infants originally experience themselves as part of a symbiotic relationship with their mothers. Over the course of infant development, inevitable failures in perfect empathy and wish-fulfillment help children to recognize that their mother is a separate individual with her own thoughts and feelings. However, in pathological development, emotionally deprived mothers may feel threatened by the infant's emergent sense of individuality and act in ways so as to promote and prolong this sense of parent-infant oneness. The consequences to the child can be severe, interfering with the ability to forge and assert a separate sense of identity. For example, enmeshment in the parent-child relationship is believed to be central to the development of borderline personality disorder, a syndrome characterized by the inability to preserve a cohesive sense of self and to maintain emotional boundaries between the self and other (Pine 1979). At a lesser extreme, childhood enmeshment predicts young adults' attachment insecurity and preoccupation with their families of origin (Allen and Hauser 1996).

Intrusiveness. Intrusiveness, also termed psychological control, is characterized by overly controlling and coercive parenting that intrudes into the child's thoughts and emotions and is not respectful of the autonomy of the child (Barber 1996). Whereas enmeshment is characterized by a seamless equality ("we feel alike"), the intrusive relationship is a hierarchical one in which the parent attempts to direct the child's inner life ("you feel as I say"). Psychological control may be carried out in ways that are more subtle than overt behavioral control. Rather than telling the child directly what to do or think, the parent may use indirect hints and respond with guilt induction or withdrawal of love if the child refuses to comply. In short, a psychologically controlling parent strives to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings in such a way that the child's psyche will conform to the parent's wishes.

Longitudinal data show that infants of intrusive mothers later demonstrate problems in academic, social, behavioral, and emotional adjustment in first and second grades (Egeland, Pianta, and O'Brien 1993). Psychological control also is predictive of anxiety and depression in children (see Barber 2002) and of delinquency, particularly in African-American youth (Walker-Barnes and Mason 2001).

Role-reversal. Role-reversal, also termed parentification, refers to a dynamic in which parents turn to children for emotional support (Boszormenyi-Nagy and Spark 1973; Jurkovic 1997). Although learning to be responsive and empathic to others' needs is a healthy part of child development, parentification involves an exploitative relationship in which the parents' expectations exceed the child's capacities, the parent ignores the child's developmental needs, or the parent expects nurturance but does not give it reciprocally (Chase 1999). A parent engaged in role-reversal may be ostensibly warm and solicitous to the child, but the relationship is not a truly supportive one because the parents' emotional needs are being met at the expense of the child's. Further, children are often unable to meet these developmentally inappropriate expectations, which may lead to frustration, disappointment, and even anger (Zeanah and Klitzke 1991). In fact, parents' inappropriate expectations for children, such that they provide nurturing to their parents, are a key predictor of child maltreatment (Azar 1997).

Research shows that, over the course of childhood, young children who fulfill their parents' need for intimacy have difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions (Carlson, Jacobvitz, and Sroufe 1995) and demonstrate a pseudomature, emotionally constricted interpersonal style ( Johnston 1990). In the longer term, childhood role reversal is associated with difficulties in young adults' ability to individuate from their families (Fullinwider-Bush and Jacobvitz 1993) and adjust to college (Chase, Deming, and Wells 1998).

Parent-child role reversal also is associated with depression, low-self esteem, anxiety (Jacobvitz and Bush 1996), and eating disorders (Rowa, Kerig, and Geller 2001) in young women. Due to cultural expectations that associate caregiving with the feminine role, daughters may be particularly vulnerable to being pulled into the role of "mother's little helper" (Brody 1996; Chodorow 1978). Consistent with family systems theory (Minuchin 1974), boundary violations also are more likely to occur when the marital relationship is an unhappy one and the parent turns to the child for fulfillment of unmet emotional needs (Fish, Belsky, and Youngblade 1991; Jacobvitz and Bush 1996).

Role-reversal may take different forms, depending on the role the child is asked to play. Parents might behave in a child-like way, turning to the child to act as a parenting figure, termed parentification or child-as-parent (Walsh 1979; Goglia et al. 1992); or they may relate to the child as a peer, confidante, or friend (Brown and Kerig 1998), which might be termed adultification or child-as-peer. Although providing a parent with friendship, emotional intimacy, and companionship ultimately interferes with the child's individuation and social development outside the home, the negative implications of a peer-like parent-child relationship may be less severe than a complete reversal of roles in which the parent relinquishes all caregiving responsibilities.

Role reversal can also occur between adults, such as when an adult turns to the spouse to act as a parent, seeking guidance and care instead of a mutually autonomous relationship, termed spouse-as-parent (Boszormenyi-Nagy and Spark 1973; Chase 1999). Another form of role reversal occurs when the parent behaves in a seductive manner toward the child, placing the child not in the role of parent or peer, but of romantic partner. Spousification. Of particular concern to Minuchin (1974) was the blurring of the boundary between the marital and child subsystem, which can lead children to become inappropriately involved in their parents' marital problems. This may take the form of a compensatory closeness between an unhappily married parent and a child of the other sex, termed spousification (Sroufe and Ward 1980) or child-as-mate (Walsh 1979; Goglia et al. 1992). Although spousification is often considered to be a form of role-reversal, it is distinguished by the fact that the parent is seeking a special kind of intimacy—perhaps even including sexual gratification (Jacobvitz, Riggs, and Johnson 1999). For example, Sroufe and colleagues (1985) found that emotionally troubled mothers, many of whom were survivors of incest, engaged in seductive behaviors with their young sons while responding in a hostile way toward daughters. However, the relationship between spousification and gender may be more complex.

When marital conflict spills over onto parent-child relationships it also may take a hostile form, termed negative spousification or spillover (Kerig, Cowan, and Cowan 1993). Spillover of marital tensions may cause a parent to view a child in the same negative terms as the spouse, thus blurring the boundaries between them (e.g., "You sound just like your father"; "You're your mother's daughter, aren't you?") (Kerig, in press-b). Research has shown that maternal stress and depression increase the risk of negative spousification that, in turn, predicts anxiety and depression in school-age children (Brown and Kerig 1998).

Read more: Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution - Gender, Theory, Family, Development, Child, Parent, Role, Reversal, Children, and Relationship:

Boundary Dissolution - Dimensions Of Boundary Dissolution

menwhoareabused.com

2011-05-18T16:00:00.006-05:00

A good friend of my James has a great site on men who suffer from emotional psychological and sometimes physical abuse from they partners. Also James has constructed some very good videos between the abuser and victims both on his site and YouTube. These videos take time and energy but James does it to help all those victims who are trying to understand why their relationships suffers so much just as my did at one time. Here is a sample of those videos:

For some reason YouTube is asking James to tone down on the profanity on these videos and he is adjusting it at this time. I believe the profanity sets the mood and what really happens in these type of relationship. Still it's YouTube call and is in fact their site. So....

I hope visitors to my site will review James videos and leave comments for I know they have helped so many victims to understand and see how any type of toxic dysfunctional relationship is a never ending struggle and a hopeless cause for the victim. James is helping so many people so please help him to help others. It isn't what we say that will define us in the end but what we have done.

On a personal note:

James, thank you so much for your site and the many videos! I hope you kept up the good work and kept making more of these type of videos!!

I thank you all and may God Bless!

http://www.menwhoareabused.com/

One who will never be forgotten...

2011-02-27T19:22:00.010-06:00

In Memoriam
Joanna Ashmun
1948 - 2009
User's Note:

Joanna's e-mail account at halcyon.com has been closed.
I prefer not to alter her text, but the mailto: links embedded
in it no longer function.

The discussion group "Joanna Ashmun Memorial" on Facebook.com
has been created to provide a forum for users who may wish
to memorialize the effect her work here has had on their lives.

John Ashmun
February 10, 2011

P.S. I discovered this beautiful song recently while looking for
versions of "You Go To My Head"

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) :
How to Recognize a Narcissist

We all have to deal with difficult people. Some days we can be pretty difficult ourselves. Recognizing the difference between normal difficulties and personality disorders can be crucial to decisions about entering new relationships and continuing existing relationships. The material on Narcissistic Personality Disorder that is published for lay readers is not very informative, even though most people have had to cope with a narcissist at one time or another. If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, then you've been taught that the narcissist is always right and you're the one who's wrong. A lifetime of such mistreatment typically instills lack of confidence in your own judgment, along with habitual shame at never getting it right or being good enough to deserve the air that you breathe. The children of narcissists may not have realized that the quirks and oddities of their impossible-to-please parents are not in any way unique or special but are in fact the symptoms of a personality disorder. The information on the Web is very repetitive and amounts to little more than the diagnostic criteria from DSM-IV. Clinical descriptions of Narcissistic Personality Disorder don't describe the things that are most shocking and puzzling in everyday interaction with narcissists.

This material is offered for comfort and solace to people who've had bad (or merely weird) experiences with narcissists. If you're looking for ammunition to attack someone, please look elsewhere. If you're looking for a diagnosis, you'll need to consult a psychiatrist. If you're looking for help with your term paper. I've written entirely from my own experience and personal interest; I'm not a therapist or counselor, have no relevant credentials, and can't refer you to lawyers.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

Emotional Memory Management

2011-02-12T04:55:00.009-06:00

This article written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist helped me very much when first dealing with my emotional and psychological stress/memory after living with my ex for 17 years of a unchangeable emotional roller coaster ride with her. People who suffer from Personality disorders do so much hurt and harm too victims that the mess we deal with in the aftermath of a toxic relationship sometimes seems impossible. One must remember that as a person we are not only dealing with our hearts but also our heads. Both must be address in a honest open and accepting way. In the beginning of my relationship I saw things that should have alerted me, still I allow (red flags) them to go unchallenged. I felt something (gut feelings) that I should have explored, still I didn't? How can I know that something like this will never happen again to me? Because I now know that if I understand myself (emotionally and psychologically) better internally, I will know others more fully. It's the lies we tell ourselves that hurt more then any lie another will tell us.

Reprogramming dealing with and cleaning up all the toxin inside of one's soul heart and mind are in fact the first baby steps that will leads us to become the survivors and never again the victims..

My personal quest with this started May 22, 2006 and still I walk many times this lonely path. But never with sorrow and never looking back...

It's my hopes that this article will help you as much as it did for me...

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html

Emotional Memory Management:

Positive Control Over Your Memory

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Every second we are alive, our brain functions. At a very basic level it maintains our breathing, our blood flow, our body temperature, and other aspects that allow us to stay alive and thinking. Emotional Memory Management , or EMM, is concerned with the thinking and memory part of brain functioning. Almost every aspect of daily functioning is directly related to our memory. As you read this document, your brain recognizes words and provides definitions as you read - pretty fast operating when you think about it! While this discussion is not concerned with reading or word-memory, it is concerned with the manner in which the brain pulls memory files, makes those files, and how those files influence our daily life.

The following discussion is based on psychological and neurological research, combined with on-going theories regarding memory, thought control, and therapy/counseling. Several theories and the results of research have been combined by the author in a manner which allows the practical and daily use of advanced knowledge on topics of memory and brain functioning. As research in this area continues, the author anticipates new, neurological definitions of previously-labeled psychological concepts such as "the subconscious" or the various defense mechanisms.

While the underlying theories are very technical, the concept is presented in a nontechnical manner. After reading this information, you are encouraged to practice the techniques, be curious about how your file system works and observe it in operation, and make the most of the new knowledge and understanding available.

Introduction

A psychologist does not need to inform individuals about memory, we all know what memory is. Memory allows us to recognize faces of old classmates, remember old songs, remember good times and bad times, and remember important information about events/experiences in our life. Much like a modern-day computer, the brain stores memories in a system of files. In the past, these files were thought to contain only information or data, much like the files in an office contain patient information or file in a computer contains words or numbers. As science advances, we are beginning to know more about the brain and how it stores memories.

Recent studies in psychology and neurology tell us that the files contain not only data/information, but emotions as well. In a manner that is still partially unknown, the brain has the ability to store not only memories but emotions as well - as they occurred at the time the memory was made.

Memory files thus contain two parts, the information about the event and the feeling we had at the time of the event. Graphically put:

Memory file = Information + Feelings at the time

How Memories Are Made...

The brain has specific areas in which information is stored or that operate certain areas of the body. The ability to tap the left forefinger is located in the right side of the brain for example. The left side of the brain contains language capability while the right side contains our ability to view objects in space. Memory for faces is located in the right side of the brain while the name of the individual is located in the left side of the brain. This is why we can recognize an old school mate almost immediately but the brain may require several seconds to obtain the name. If anxious, impairing recall, the name won't come to us for several minutes after the recognition.

The brain contains multiple memory systems. Remembering how to ride a bicycle, known as procedural or implicit memory, involves a different memory system than remembering the year Columbus discovered America, known as declarative or explicit memory. Studies tell us we can have two types of memory for the same situation, especially if the situation/experience is one associated with strong emotions. For a single experience (traumatic event, good event, emotional experience, etc.) we can have an explicit memory - a memory of the details of the experience, and an implicit memory - a memory of the emotions connected to the experience. Explicit memory has also been called "emotional memory" because it contains the memory of the physiological response at the time of the experience. This physiological response may include increased blood pressure, higher respiration, muscle tension, anxiety, fearfulness, and other reactions associated with fear, terror, fright, or even joy.

In neurological studies, the memory for details (explicit memory) has been linked to the brain structure known as the hippocampus. Memories made by the hippocampus are very much under our conscious control, as when remembering the words to "Jingle Bells" or our birthday. Emotional or unconscious memories are linked to the brain structure known as the amygdala. Some of these unconscious (out of our conscious control or not purposefully remembered) are procedural as when the brain memorizes how to ride a bicycle - you don't have to think about it - you simply hop on and ride away. Other emotional memories are a record of the physiological/emotional response we have experienced during an event.

When we experience a very emotional event, the brain records not only the details of the experience (where we were, when, who was there, what happened, etc.) but the emotions we experienced at the time as well. The entire memory of an emotional event (an assault, an automobile accident, a wedding, death of a loved one, a combat experience, etc.) is actually remembered by two systems in the brain and stored in two separate areas of the brain.

When we remember horrible or traumatic events, the brain often remembers both the details and emotional memory at the same time. If we remember the details of being assaulted, we will also experience the feelings we had at that time - the increased heart rate, fearfulness, panic, and desperation.

As we will soon review, the brain has the ability to remember the details and the emotions both on purpose and by accident. The brain also has the ability to remember one part of the memory without another part surfacing. As we go through life, the brain may also have an experience that prompts an emotional memory but does not bring up the details of the experience.

Detail memory will often see someone at a distance and offer a "best guess" as to their identity. As the person moves closer, the "best guess" offered by the brain may be true or false. Emotional memory works the same way, looking at a current situation/experience and offering a "best guess" by remembering a previous emotional situation. This is the reality of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and emotional trauma. We may emotionally relive a combat memory when we hear a car backfire or emotionally feel as if we are being assaulted if someone jokingly grabs us from behind.

It is hoped that this article will explain how emotional memory works and how it can be managed for those who are haunted by the experiences of their past.

Daily Memory

Throughout the day, we experience a variety of good, bad, and in-between experiences. A specific memory area of the brain will hold memories for about five days, to see if they are important. Memories that are not important are usually "dumped" or erased after the five day waiting period. These erased memories can never be recovered. As an example, we don't remember how many times we turn on a light unless it shocks us or blows up.

We can store and create memory with data only, as when memorizing spelling words or learning math. The brain will memorize with frequent repetition or constant use. However, if a memory file containing only data is not frequently used, the memory slowly fades away. Examples: 1) Can you calculate square root by hand? 2) Do you remember the names of all your high school teachers or classmates? In the second question, chances are you can remember those who also have an EM file!

Most of us cannot remember our many trips to the grocery store or service station. However, we will always remember times which have a good or bad value such as the time a store was robbed when we were there, the time an old lady threatened us over a can of green beans, or the time we spilled gasoline all over our clothes in one of those self-serve pumps. We don't remember washing our car unless that spray wand at the car wash facility got loose and just about gave us a skull fracture. In short, if a daily memory does not have a strong good or bad emotional value, it is faded out.

As years pass, we build up quite a file system. We build up a collection of good memories and bad memories. Our brain has the ability to pull these memories at the drop of a hat - almost instantly. As an example, read the following questions and watch how fast your brain pulls the file:

1. Name some songs by the Beatles.

2. Where were you when the space shuttle exploded?

3. Where were you when John F. Kennedy was assassinated?

4. Who was your favorite high school teacher?

As you can see, your brain instantly pulls a file when a question is asked. Importantly, you have no control over what file is pulled, how fast it is pulled, or what is in the file. For example, younger adults and teenagers may have no "file" on the Kennedy assassination. They were not around at the time or old enough to make a memory of that experience. As an additional example, every older adult remembers almost every detail of where he/she was when Pearl Harbor was attacked on December 7, 1949.

Those with emotional memories can not only give you the exact details, but a variety of random and irrelevant details surrounding the event. This is how powerful "emotional memory" (EM) can be.

Those of you with a "Pearl Harbor" file might have rapidly noted that the above date of the attack was incorrect, it should have been 1941. If you had a file for that date in history, you might have immediately noted the error. When we have no file however, our brain does not alert us to errors. This example is used to illustrate just how fast the brain can not only react, but notice mistakes. This is another automatic brain activity.

How Files Affect Us...

An emotional memory file is a neurological/brain activity. The brain makes, organizes, sorts, and controls it's files. Remember, the file contains two parts, information and emotion. After years of neuropsychological research, we have come to the following rules regarding file control. Each rule will be explained in detail:

Rule: The brain operates on chemicals. These chemicals produce emotional responses in the brain and body. Just like a certain combination of flour, sugar, butter, and other foods can combine and produce a German chocolate cake, these chemicals combine in our brain to produce certain moods, reactions, and feelings.

Just like an automobile contains various fluids (brake, window washer, transmission, oil, anti-freeze, etc.), the brain operates on chemicals known as "neurotransmitters". While the subject is too technical for this paper, it is known that these brain chemicals called "neurotransmitters" produce various emotional conditions. Like the oil in our automobile, neurotransmitters have a normal level in the brain and can be "low" or "high" depending upon certain situations. Some typical neurotransmitters:

Serotonin: Perhaps the most actively researched neurotransmitter at this time, serotonin is known to be related to depression, headaches, sleep problems, and many mental health concerns. When serotonin is low in the brain system - depression and other mental health problems are produced. Low Serotonin is also associated with bulimia, a severe eating disorder, where the body craves sweets and carbohydrates in a desperate effort to raise serotonin levels. Antidepressants, such as Prozac and Zoloft, work by increasing serotonin in the brain. As our Serotonin level returns to normal, our depression lifts.

Dopamine: Abnormally high levels of this neurotransmitter in the brain produce paranoia, excitement, hallucinations, and disordered thought (schizophrenia). Abnormally low levels produce motor or movement disorders such as Parkinson's Disease.

Norepinephrine: Related to anxiety and depression, high levels in the brain produce strong physical-anxiety manifestations such as trembling, restlessness, smothering sensations, dry mouth, palpitations, dizziness, flushes, frequent urination, and problems with concentration. A "panic attack" is actually a sudden surge of norepinephrine in the brain.

Endorphins: Substances produced by the body that kill pain or produce a feeling of well-being. In marathon runners, these substances are responsible for the "runner's high". Also produced during pregnancy, a sudden increase near delivery-time creates that need to rearrange furniture, go dancing, or clean house.

The levels of these chemicals or neurotransmitters in the brain create our mood. A chronic low level of serotonin, as when experiencing long-term severe stress, produces strong depression. The low serotonin creates symptoms such as:

- Frequent crying spells

- Loss of concentration and attention

- Early morning awakening (about 4:00 am)

- Loss of physical energy

- Increase in thinking/mind speed, pulling bad memories

- "Garbage" thoughts about death, dying, guilt, etc.

- Loss of sexual interest

Emotional Memory files contain instructions for the brain to use these neurotransmitter ingredients to produce the mood in the file. We note that all antianxiety, antidepressant, and antipsychotic medications focus on changing the levels of these chemicals in the brain.

Rule: Thoughts change brain chemistry.

That sounds so simple but that's the way it is, with our thoughts changing neurotransmitters on a daily basis. If a man walks into a room with a gun, we think "threat", and the brain releases norepinephrine. We become tense, alert, develop sweaty palms, and our heart beats faster. If he then bites the barrel of the gun, telling us the gun is actually chocolate, the brain rapids changes its' opinion and we relax and laugh - the jokes on us.

We feel what we think! Positive thinking works. As the above example suggests, what we think about a situation actually creates our mood. Passed over for a promotion, we can either think we'll never get ahead in this job (lowering serotonin and making us depressed) or assume that we are being held back for another promotion or job transfer (makes a better mood).

Rule: The brain is constantly, every second, pulling files for our reference. It scans and monitors our environment constantly.

You've heard people compare the brain to a computer. Like a computer, the human brain has a huge database containing billions of files (memories) for our reference. As you read this document your brain pulls definitions of words or phrases. As we meet people during daily activities, the brain pulls their "file" for their name and related information. You'll note that with people we haven't seen for many years the brain recognizes the face first (a talent located in the right side of the brain) but often takes a while to locate the name (located in the left side of the brain). As the left-brain contains language and speech, it's more crowded over there and processing is a bit slower.

If we travel to another city, the brain pulls up the map and landmarks. Additionally, if we are a frequent traveler to that city, our journey to Cincinnati, Ohio will pull files as we travel. Just sit back and listen to the "file pulling" that takes place on a trip. "Hey Mom, remember the bathroom in that gas station from last year - Uck!" "This is where that bad wreck was a few years ago coming back from the beach." If the brain recognizes something (road, building, sign, etc.) - it pulls its' file. It's that simple.

Always on the alert and ready to pull a file, the brain has built-in protection behaviors. People that are shy and introverted (socially uncomfortable and withdrawn) tell therapists that when they enter a restaurant, people look at them, creating anxiety. It's true. When anything enters our range of scanning, almost like our radar range, the brain looks at it. A person walking into a room is "scanned" by almost everyone else, that scanning procedure taking about two seconds. The brains looks 1) to see if we have a file/reference and 2) for protection. If the new individual is odd-looking, carrying a weapon, or naked - the brain will start a full-scan and react accordingly (long stare, fright, or "Don't I know you?).

Individuals with physical features that are unusual will tell us about the common "double takes" they receive at grocery stores. At the same time, other people may dress unusually for exactly that reason. Some people enjoy the constant attention and double-takes that are produced by wearing a safety pin in your nose or coloring your hair bright yellow.

In the bottomline, your brain is always scanning and looking for references/files. These references are designed to help you, as when remembering an old friend, the location of the store in a mall, or when remembering needed facts/details. This is an automatic procedure, a reflex and instinct. To override or cancel this natural/normal procedure requires manual control. As an example, it is said that in a "sophisticated" restaurant, you know the diners have "class" when the busboy loudly drops a tray of dishes - and no one looks up! Now that's overriding the normal brain response.

Pulling these files automatically is great - unless they contain uncomfortable emotional memory. This is where another rule is important.

Rule: The emotional part of a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds after a file is pulled.

In mental health situations, this is perhaps the most important neurological rule. Once we pull a file, after 90 seconds the emotional component begins. Our mood starts to change, returning us to the mood which was present when the file was made. As an example, remember someone discussing the recent death of a loved one. The first two minutes of conversation may go well - then they become sad. The longer the file is out (being discussed), the more the emotional component surfaces to the point that they will become tearful. If the file remains out, the exact feelings made at the time of the funeral and death will surface - they will talk about loss, love, guilt, or whatever other feelings are in the file.

As another example, ask someone about the biggest fish they have caught. When the file is pulled you will receive about two minutes of data, the where and when. Once the memory relives the catch, the person's eyes will widen, their energy level will increase, they may begin arching their back as though illustrating a tough fight, and their entire mood and posture will move as though simulating the reeling-in of a fish. Again, after about two minutes, the emotional component begins to act on our brain chemistry, changing our mood/feelings back to that time.

Socially, imagine having a "bad file" on an individual in the community. You are minding your own business and shopping at Kroger's. You turn the corner only to be confronted by Mr. X. What happens is this - your brain immediately pulls the file, you are somewhat confused at first, and your emotion of anger, fear, or whatever is in the file begins to surface. Even though you may not have seen the individual in 10 years, the Emotional Memory (EM) file is still active and wide-awake in your brain. This explains how many people can say that simply seeing an enemy or disliked person can ruin their entire day. If the file is not properly controlled, the mood will remain for the rest of the day.

The goal in file control is to prevent the 90 - second emotion from coming to the surface. We all have bad files but most people try to control them by preventing the emotional part from bothering them. They do this by putting the file away before the two-minute time limit.

Rule: The brain only allows one file out at a time.

This rule of brain operation is easy to understand. Much like a television, VCR, or tape player, only one channel/program/tape is allowed to operate at a time. The brain works the same way.

As you read this paper, your brain is focusing on information in the paper. Luckily, the brain will focus on anything we choose, or will play any file or tape we choose. If you suddenly decide to stop reading this paper and watch television, your brain will completely go along with that idea.

Also, your brain can switch files at the speed of light. As an example, allow your brain to change files as your read the following sentences:

1. Where was your best vacation?

2. Who is your favorite relative?

3. Think about the person who last died in your family.

As you read those questions, you brain immediately pulled the files to provide you with the information. The first two questions were rather routine and even if the files were allowed to remain open, would probably not cause much in the way of emotional distress or upset. However, what about the third file. If we allowed it to stay open, we may start thinking about departed grandmother, parents, or close friends. That file, after the two-minute limit, would make us feel sad, lonely, and create all the feelings associated with grief. Importantly, the brain doesn't care whether it's thinking about a departed relative or your favorite song.

Rule: The brain doesn't care which file is active.

Like the body, the brain operates many times on automatic. Our breathing operates the same way. We can take control of our breathing and inhale, exhale, inhale, and so forth. We can also ignore our breathing, the brain will switch to automatic, and we will breath anyway.

The brain operates the same way. It will automatically pull files as we go about our day. As we see fellow co-workers, friends, or neighbors, it will automatically pull their file - that's how we remember their name and information about them. The brain does this automatically. Importantly however, the brain really doesn't care which file is out. However, the fact that the brain operates on automatic is important to us.

When the brain operates on automatic, the files it pulls are greatly influenced by our mood. For example, if you are severely depressed, if your brain is left on "automatic," it will pull nothing but bad, trash, and garbage files. When depressed, due to the brain chemistry involved, our brain will automatically pick bad files to torment us. Our brain will pull every bad file it can find, often far back into our childhood. As long as the depressed brain operates on automatic, it will continue to make us miserable by pulling every file which has guilt, depression, and a bad mood in it. It will play a series of our "worst hits".

Remember, we can change files at will. Since the brain really doesn't care which file is active, a depressed mood can be changed by simply switching the brain to manual, taking more control over our thoughts. This is especially helpful when a bad file is pulled accidentally. This fact will be discussed further in this paper.

Rule: Like the files, the brain only allows one feeling or emotion to be active at a time.

Again, this is a simple rule if we think about it. At any one second, the brain only allows one feeling. We cannot be happy and sad at the same time. As an example, it is almost impossible to be in a "romantic" mood if you are anxious, depressed, or fearful. In another example, pull a file on someone you think is romantically attractive. Get a picture of that person in your mind. Now imagine someone throwing a large snake on your lap. You'll notice the romance immediately disappears and fear of the snake becomes the active emotion.

Many people have used this brain rule to deal with bad files. As an example, many people have bad files on certain individuals. Suppose we have a bad file on "John Doe." The mention of his name, seeing him in the street, or any reference to this man brings up a bad file which has bad feelings - anger, hatred, resentment, etc. One way to cope with this bad file is to place a funny name or comment on the file label. In other words, instead of a "John Doe" file, we now have a "Beanie Weenie" file. You'll notice that many divorced individuals have humorous names for their ex-spouse. This is the same principle. If we pull up a bad file but we have a funny name on it, it prolongs the emotion from surfacing and allows us to put the file away without any problem.

The fact that the brain allows only one feeling also allows us to have great control over our moods, more than we think. For example: A nasty neighbor calls and harasses us for some reason. We immediately pull the file on this neighbor, then another file as we are upset, and end up hanging up with a mood of anger, resentment, and an attitude of "I'll break her face." As long as we keep her file out during the day, our mood will be the same - anger, resentment, and so forth. In high stress jobs, for example, people frequently assure others that they don't take their job home with them, that they leave the work, briefcase, and paperwork at the office. Importantly, while they don't take the "work" home with them, they clearly take the "mood" home with them. They don't bring home the briefcase, they bring home the irritability, tension, and high-stress feelings.

However, if we choose to change our mood, we can do things like listen to favorite songs, look at a high school annual, look at vacation pictures, and do other things which will cause the brain to pull different files which have different moods - better moods.

Keep in mind, the brain will do anything we want: it will allow us to be angry the rest of the day or it will allow us to change it's mood - it simply doesn't care.

Brain Operation and Daily Use

In all discussions, feelings, and activities during the day, the brain is constantly pulling files. What feelings are contained in those files depends on how our mood will be that day. Files can be very helpful if we have a lot of good files.

While good files can be helpful in terms of changing our mood, making us feel better, or providing a bright spot in the middle of an otherwise tough day, bad files can strongly impair our communications with others. Many times, a routine discussion, debate, argument, or hassle can cause files to enter our brain and give us difficulty.

In working with others, after a while we begin to tell when a file is out. For example, when you hear words such as, "Well, when I was young...", "Just like last week...", or "This is not the first time..." - a file has been pulled. If we were to videotape a discussion, we would immediately learn that all discussion, debate, and agreement is lost when a file comes out. This brings us to another rule:

Rule: You can't argue with a file.

When a file comes out, it is as though we have placed a tape in our VCR. The tape begins playing and we hear the same discussion or feel the same feelings over and over. Husbands and wives refer to this sometimes as "broken record" conversations. We get the same lectures, the same anger, the same resentment, the same everything - it's in the file. As an example, two people can be discussing whether they have enough money to purchase a lawnmower. The wife mentions using a particular credit card - that pulls a bad file in her husband, perhaps the "VISA" file. At that point, the husband launches into a long story about credit cards, high interest, harassing letters, and so forth. When that file is opened up, a discussion about the lawnmower becomes useless.

The way files open and close in our brain can be a real problem with communication. While we may try to remain business-like and focus on a topic of discussion, we can't help but pull files. This brings up to another rule:

Rule: Any stimulation can pull a file.

Our body has five senses, vision, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. A file can be pulled by any of those senses. Example: The Vietnam combat veteran who automatically thinks of his combat experience when he hears a medical helicopter.

How we automatically think of high school and related events by hearing an old song. The five senses are very powerful when it comes to pulling files. Something else can pull files as well.

Emotions can pull files. We must remember that the brain is always looking for files in what we see, hear, and what we feel. As an example, emotions become attached to files. An adult who has had a bad first marriage may automatically pull a jealousy file any time his wife mentions, "I might be late". The anxiety in that statement causes the brain to search for a file that make sense - it pulls up a jealousy file from the first marriage. If the husband allows the file to stay out, he will become insecure, jealous, and suspicious for no reason in the present. In second marriages, bad file-pulling is a very common yet very hazardous activity.

Another common way that emotions pull files is in the case of a panic attack. When an individual suffers a panic attack, a powerful brain chemical is released in the frontal area of the brain which creates the panic attack. After an attack however, we have clearly made a bad file - our brain remembers the attack and the feelings. Months later, we may be in a crowded store or in an emotionally tense situation when the brain recognizes that emotion - it's seen it before during the panic attack. At that point, the brain immediately pulls the "panic attack" file. If we allow the file to stay out or pay attention to it, we are quite likely to have another panic attack - that's what's in the file.

Lets keep in mind that famous actors and actresses have known this method for years. If they want to cry on stage, they can pull a sensitive file from their personal life and within 90 seconds, tears are flowing. Remember: With each emotion or experience, the brain is always searching to see if we have a file on that topic.

Files and Marriage/Relationships

To solve any problem, a typical marital discussion should not last more than 10 to 15 minutes. If your going to buy a car or discuss what to do about Aunt Gladys, it shouldn't take a three hour discussion. Discussions that last longer than 15 minutes usually contain files. In discussing whether to visit Aunt Gladys over Christmas, the discussion may start out well at first - then we start pulling files. After three hours of arguing, we find that we have discussed the fact that certain relatives don't like us, that we don't like certain relatives, that so and so is the black sheep, and on and on. What began as a business-like conversation has been ruined by files that have been pulled as the discussion continued.

You'll know a file is pulled because the direction of the discussion will not make sense. We know a file is operating when either the content or mood doesn't make sense to the discussion at hand.

A teenager who asks permission to go to a drive-in movie and is suddenly met with anger, resentment, accusations, and suspiciousness by the parent - she has run into a severe communication block. Mother or dad has pulled a file from their teen years - a bad file. Again, we always know a file is out because the content or mood doesn't fit the present situation. We must then remember - you can't talk to a file. People who argue with the content of a file have as much chance as an individual who argues with the television while a videotape is playing.

Files and Depression

As mentioned, when our brain chemistry changes during depression, bad files are immediately pulled, as many as we will allow. These files will keep pulling until the automatic file-pulling is stopped by medication or treatment, or until we take control.

One particularly bad problem with depression is pulling old files. Again, when we pull an old file we relive the emotion - that's what's in the file. We have seen cases where patients have discussed a horrible experience from 15 to 20 years ago stating, "I though I got over it, I guess I didn't!" Truthfully, they have gotten over that experience - but the file is still powerful. Depressed individuals suffer from the "garbage truck", that truck-load of horrible files that prompt them to think about childhood trauma/abuse, previous relationships and rejections, and any time they have failed within recollection. Again, the file makes us relive the emotions at that time. Even 20 years beyond the present, if we bring out a horrible file, we will feel horrible.

Clients that are depressed are encouraged not to pay attention to the various files being pulled. Again, when a depressed brain operates on automatic, it pulls nothing but garbage/trash. If you are depressed, be prepared to experience a tremendous amount of "mental garbage." Please, take no action on that garbage.

Files and Anxiety

We have all heard of the Guru who can change his blood pressure, slow his heart or breathing rate, stop bleeding cuts, or change his brain waves by meditation. As our brain controls these physical reactions/conditions, those experiences are possible with proper brain/thought control. Anxiety consists of both thinking symptoms (worry, fear, dread, anticipation of misfortune, etc) and physical symptoms - actually more physical than thinking! Typical physical manifestations of anxiety include jitteriness, trembling, muscle aches, eyelid twitch, strained facial expression, sweating, heart pounding, dry mouth, clammy hands, upset stomach, frequent urination, poor concentration, and the feeling of having a lump in your throat - just to name a few! What a deal - you receive all the above in just one package - "anxiety".

Anxiety can be paired with certain events, creating a very strong file that contains both the anxious event (public speaking, air flights, etc,) and the physical reaction as well. When the situation is recognized by the brain - the anxious/trauma file is pulled - and the brain chemicals are released. It's easy to see why files with anxiety are so powerful - they seem to light up the entire body system from head to toe!

Files and Physical/Mental Trauma

One of the most common situations in which emotional memory files create severe problems is in physical or mental trauma. Many of us have experienced trauma in our life. Of the people living in New York City, 85 percent have been mugged/robbed. Studies suggest that 45 percent of all females have been sexually molested or assaulted in some manner. Trauma, or severe emotional memory, can be created by physical assaults, combat experiences, crime, death of a loved one, viewing severe accidents, surgery, or brush-with-death experiences.

In trauma, the brain not only memorizes everything about the event - including the emotions - but adds the surroundings as well. If we are assaulted in our home, suddenly our home is no longer comfortable due to the memories it produces. A severe automobile accident may prompt people to quit driving completely or develop panic attacks if they near the site of the accident. Trauma Emotional Memory (EM) files are perhaps the strongest emotional files and often create long-lasting phobias or difficulties if not properly handled.

Old Emotional Memory (EM) trauma files are often at the heart of long-standing difficulties. Early sexual trauma, for example, can create poor sexual response/interest that will later affect marriages. Physical assault can produce problems with physical closeness many years later. While such situations are very troublesome, we are reminded that the brain is simply operating on automatic - there are no "positive" files for reference. Correction is often a matter of taking manual control of those situations, creating new files, and "watering down" the old files.

Rule: The brain pulls the most recent and most powerful file first.

Imagine being stressed-out for six months, almost at the breaking point. You decide to stop by Kroger's to pick up some bread and milk. While in the store, you run into someone you dislike which immediately pulls a bad file. As you continue to see them in the store, you keep a file out and your mood becomes worse. At that point, your brain, already overtaxed, kicks in with a panic attack. You feel panicky, you begin to smother, and you feel as though you are going to have a heart attack. You end up leaving your groceries and running out of the store.

You have thus created a panic-attack file with a label "Kroger" on it. Therefore, the next time you drive by Kroger's or stop for milk, your brain will pull the panic-attack file first. You'll develop a feeling - "I can't go in there!" Whenever we experience anxiety, the brain makes a file and includes the circumstances. This is exactly how people become agoraphobic - or become fearful of leaving their home. Several agoraphobic patients have areas of the town that are "off limits" - that area of the town pulls a panic file.

We've all heard of people who have suffered an automobile accident and for many months later are afraid to drive - driving pulls a horrible accident file. Perhaps a familiar example is the popular movie "Top Gun." After losing his best friend in a out-of-control jet, our hero "Tom Cruise" experiences a panic attack after a similar event later in the movie. Fortunately for the movie he talks his way out of the panic attack and goes on to become the hero. Again, just about any experience can pull a bad file and we must protect ourselves from these files.

After a crisis or emotional upset, a file is made. If that file has a strong emotional value, it will be the first file pulled. Example: A relative by the name of Bill dies. For many months from that point, his death will be the first file pulled when anyone mentions the name. To avoid the constant reminder of sadness, when his name is mentioned we "skip" the first file and pull other "Bill" files, fishing trips, holidays with relatives, etc.

How to Know When A File Is Operating

1. When a file is accidentally pulled, the individual will almost immediately stray off the topic of discussion. As a listener, if you get a feeling of "What's that got to do with this?" - you're listening to a file. Remember, you can't argue with a file.

2. As a file contains the same information each time it's pulled, when you hear lectures, comments, or attacks that appear to be a "broken record" - it's a file. When a file is pulled, the individual will say the same things, feel the same way, and react the same way that you heard before. This is quite common in marital arguments and a listener usually gets the impression, "This is the 25th time I've heard this."

3. A file is pulled when the emotional reaction is far above what would be expected from the situation. A husband and wife meets an old boyfriend or girlfriend at the supermarket. Suddenly, all the way home, there's a gigantic reaction complete with jealousy, suspiciousness, and anger. Somewhere, a file as been pulled.

4. Many files begin with, "We've talked about this before," "When I was young...," and so on. References to the past are almost always related to a pulled file.

5. If the listener has the general idea that the conversation doesn't make sense, your probably listening to a file. Teenagers have difficulty, for example, understanding why a simple request for money leads into a long discussion of dad's collecting pop bottles for money during his youth. The key is the phrase, "When I was your age..."

6. If you find yourself thinking about a past trauma or bad situation, you may have an old file out and also be depressed and stressed. When depressed or stressed, the brain becomes our worst enemy, pulling files that have strong negative content and making us relive and reexperience old events. Forty-year old women begin thinking about childhood abuse, a mature adult tearfully recalls memories of a horrible and violent early childhood, or an older male suddenly thinks, feels guilty, and grieves about his experiences in combat (WW II, Korea, Vietnam, etc.). When the brain pulls these old files we know brain chemistry is upset. Look for early morning awakening, increased brain speed, and decreased concentration as additional indicators - but forget those files, they've already been emotionally solved and put away those many years ago. The brain is simply playing old Emotional Memory (EM).

Techniques for File Control

1. Practice paying attention to how your file system works. If you find yourself in a bad mood, or even happy mood, use the approach, "What file is out?" You will then find the file, what feeling is contained in the file, and will then be able to have some control over the file.

2. If a bad file starts to come out, do something physical before the two-minute emotional release surfaces. If someone mentions a name or you have an event that brings up a bad file, for example, immediately pinch your ear, touch your watch, or do something physical that lets you know a file is out. You may then change files mentally or even verbally. When talking with others, we can verbally change files by stating, "That's kind of a sensitive topic for me, I'd rather not discuss that." The physical action helps remind us that we have control over these files.

3. Take a bad file and put a funny name on it - the funnier the better. If we have people we dislike or even hate, a funny name is helpful in controlling the emotional content of that file. Common names that might be used are "Bozo," "Beanie Weenie," "Air Head," etc. It is also effective to combine both the funny name and physical action.

For example, if we call a gossip-oriented relative "Sinus Drip", we can combine the pulling of the file with the name and the physical action of blowing our nose. Again, as the brain will only allow one feeling at a time, the humor and physical action usually is enough to kill the file.

4. Many times we go through a series of horrible experiences, often lasting for years. These may include bad marriages, periods of unemployment, traumatic childhoods, and so forth. Place all those files in one mental filing cabinet. Then place a label on the entire cabinet, one that reflects the condition at that time. Some clients have used such labels as, "Wild and rowdy years," "My misery years," and so forth. When a file from that period is brought up, instead of focusing on the file and allowing the emotion to surface, the individual thinks to himself, "That file is from my wild and rowdy years, it's not needed now." Lumping all files together in one general category decreases the emotional impact and prevents pulling specific files.

5. Together with your spouse or significant other, you may train each other to recognize when one file is out. When a file pops out, a simple time-out hand signal, a certain look, or a certain comment may make the other person aware that a file is out at the wrong time. This cuts down many arguments. Using this method, couples tend to stay on-track and discuss their concerns more at length, without being bothered by bad files.

6. Looks for "blocks" in communication with others. Often these emotional blocks are actually files being pulled in response to something the other person does. Do they sound like a relative/friend or do they remind you of something or some situation. Make a new file on that person.

7. Keep several good and mood-lifting files in close memory. If a bad file is pulled during the day, you then have good files ready to recall - and change your mood. Many people have files about vacation or other happy times to be used if a bad file is pulled. Always follow a bad file with a good file - it keeps your mood up.

8. In times of social crisis, create and rehearse a special file to cover uncomfortable questions - a "press release". During a divorce/separation situation, people frequently ask about your situation. Rather than pull up the "divorce" file, pull up a "divorce public relations" file that states "things are pretty disorganized right now with us. I tell you more as things settle down." Make the public relations file brief, short and sweet.

9. Practice file pulling, especially good files. Look at old pictures of happy times, high school yearbooks, etc. Observe the number of files that are pulled when you do this. It's amazing how much information your memory contains.

Rule: The Brain doesn't know if a file is real or imagined!

How can this be? The brain makes files based on information it is given, usually through our senses but sometimes through our thoughts. If we have a sweetheart, being in the same room will give us that warm, romantic feeling. However, looking at their picture and thinking about them will do the same thing - even though they are not present. Even better, simply thinking about them will produce the same feelings (pulling the same file). The brain only reacts to the file or image, it doesn't care how it receives that image or information, by physical presence, by reminders (pictures), or by "thought".

Psychologists at the University of Chicago took three groups of basketball players. Group One practiced foul shots each day for thirty days. Group Two was instructed to "imagine" shooting foul shots each day for thirty days. Group Three was instructed to do nothing. When tested, Group One (practicing shots) improved 24 percent. Group Three (doing nothing) had no improvement. Group Two, the group that only imagined shooting foul shots, improved 23 percent yet did not physically touch a basketball.

Why? As far as the brain knew, both groups that practiced (real & imagined) had shot foul shots daily but Group Two never missed! Group Two, never missing, was given more emotional confidence by their brain and the brain also memorized the foul-shooting pattern as though they were on the court. In Group One, their brain experienced the hit-and-miss pattern of actual foul shooting which did not build confidence.

Why mention this? We have the ability to build our own files, even when the actual real-world experience is lacking. Using our imagination, we can alter files by imagining new information. If shy, we imagine ourselves in gradually more and more social situations, talking with friends, being in groups, giving talks to groups, teaching, and finally being on Johnny Carson. If we have bad files on certain people, using our imagination, we "add" new information to the file. We really do this everyday. If we are wronged by someone, our anger becomes uncomfortable to the point that we begin imagining how guilty they must feel, how low their life really is, and how they will be unhappy the rest of their days. After our brain works on that file, we eventually feel sorry for them! While the brain does this job for us normally, we need to hurry the process along at times.

Pick a target problem for improvement - then design, imagine, and create a set of files to correct it. If you have problems dealing with your supervisor at work, imagine situations in which you first talk to him, then gradually stand your ground in a business manner. We can create files to help anything from tennis backhand to social withdrawal.

Making New Files

- Since our brain can't tell real from imagined experiences, practice making new files to replace your old. If shy, imagine or daydream social competency. If uncomfortable around certain people, imagine positive meetings and outcomes with them.

- Depressed and anxious individuals always imagine negative experiences - and the brain changes chemistry because it thinks that experience happened. If we sit down and think that a loved one has died (even though they are in the next room), our brain will make us depressed and we will cry. If depressed or anxious, think the opposite of the brain's normal disposition - daydream or imagine only positive experiences. It may sound strange but your brain will think your life is better (it only knows what it's told!) and will chemically lift your mood gradually.

- Pick an area in which your are having trouble. Create/Invent new files to deal with that situation. If uncomfortable around your supervisor at work or your relatives, imagine positive scenes in which you solve conflicts or make adjustments.

- If confidence and self-esteem are low, imagine scenes in which your confidence is increased. Imagine being praised for your efforts, being successful, or finally receiving the acceptance/affection from those who have not provided it in the past.

There are other ways to deal with old files as well.

Changing, Destroying, and Contaminating Old Files

The brain's file system, just like the government's files, can be ruined and changed in many ways. One way to change a bad file is to alter it's content, to add additional information of your choosing - again, the funnier the better. If you have a file where a parent is scolding you, bring up the file, then add the fact that the parent is only six inches tall, standing on a desk, and shaking his/her little finger at you. We can also take a file, review the content and emotion, and find funny things about the file. With some imagination, we can rewrite a file which contained a fight or argument into something looking like The Three Stooges. If we put laughter/humor in the file, it changes the emotional content.

Files can also be "watered down". As an example, thinking about bad files while our favorite music plays in the background has a way of watering down a file, making it lose it's emotional impact.

1. Remembering hearing a good song for the first time on the radio and falling in love with it. However, after hearing it 100 times during the next month, it loses it's emotional value.

Files can be erasing by literally boring them to death or a "watering down" procedure. If we have the time and opportunity, we can set aside a time for file destruction. During the particular 15 minutes of the day, we allow ourselves to pull up files and see what's in them, feel some of the emotion, and practice changing the files.

2. We can also water down files by pulling them in different situations. If we have a bad file, pull that file when watching TV or video, listening to music, or when resting in the sun on the beach. While the file is out, add observations of your circumstances (the music, scenery, etc.) to the file, a technique that both lowers the anxiety present as well as spoiling the bad file.

3. Remember that humor is the best way to contaminate a file. If a bad file is out, find everything about the memory that is silly, humorous, or comical. If nothing is - invent something funny about that experience. Rehearse how things might have happened different, in a funnier manner, than we remember.

4. When a file is out, remind yourself frequently that it is simply a file of your past - Where you've been - Not where you are. We can watch movies of World War II but we must remind ourselves that we are not currently at war! Self-comments such as "I'm glad I don't live that way anymore!" or "Those sure were tough times!" are helpful. Compare old files with your current situation. This is helpful in old-file jealousy or suspicion, reminding ourselves that our current partner is not our old partner.

File Control in Special Situations

- File control is a serious problem in alcohol or substance abuse. Remember: the alcohol and substance (marijuana, cocaine, etc.) automatically create good files due to their action on the brain. Sadly, bad files are created in the abusers home/family due to fights, arguments, and hangovers. Therefore, thinking of alcohol/drugs rarely brings up a bad file to make the situation unpleasant. In fact, talking about drinking or using drugs usually brings a smile.

To combat this situation, those who have problems with drugs and/or alcohol are advised to pull a bad file when confronted with substances. This is a common situation in those trying to maintain sobriety. How many times have we socially heard someone turn down a beer with "No thanks, My wife would kill me! I'd have no job and my children wouldn't speak to me!"

That person is using a file with a marital argument in it to kill his previous attraction to the substance. If people pulled up a file on their worst hangover every time they thought of alcohol, we might see a dramatic drop in national alcohol consumption.

- File control is especially important in marital/family discussions. Remembering our 90-120 second rule about emotions surfacing when a file is pulled, marital discussions on sensitive topics are best controlled by time-out techniques which prevent entire files from being pulled. Couples are encouraged to conduct business meetings with an egg timer! A three-minute egg timer allows each party three minutes to state an issue, then three minutes for the partner, and so on. The three-minute timer prevents "files" from taking control of the discussion is couples stick to the procedure.

- The filing system works at night too! Dreams are often jumbled as the brain pulls files and puts them together in our dreams. Dreams are actually a time in which the brain sorts its' files, at the same time pulling old files. Events during the day are reviewed and combined with old files in our dreams. That's why we may dream of taking a shower in the middle of downtown Columbus! Dreams only reflect our memory and our mood - they do not actually contain hidden truths, warnings, or other special information.

- Many individuals have be traumatized by assault, death of loved ones, illness, hospitalization, arguments, and other emotionally stressful events. Emotional trauma produces a huge file, including the feelings of the event. To make matters worse, those concerned with our welfare after the trauma often feel the need to ask us about it - pulling the file! Trauma victims are encouraged to create several rehearsed answers to common comments/questions, much like the President's press secretary reads responses from a prepared paper. The rehearsed response or "Press Release" usually prevents the original "bad" file from surfacing as you are too busy recalling your rehearsed comment. Example:

Question: "What happened to you the other night?"

Response: "I guess things got a little out of hand. I'm sorting things out right now and as soon as I have all the details I'll sit down and give you the story. I've discovered it's better not to talk about it right now but I'm doing ok."

Trauma victims will also find that a location or set of circumstances will almost immediately pull a strong file. Be prepared for the "I can't go back there" reaction, often attached to a work site (where injured), location of the trauma in your community, or activity ("I can stand to drive anymore").

Importantly, remember that if you have been traumatized - so have the people who care about you! Your presence, phone call, or visit may pull their files about your experience, files containing grief, feelings of helplessness, sadness, emotional shock, and so forth.

This is why many friends/relatives often avoid a trauma victim or depressed friend/relative at first - it pulls their files which contain sadness, anger, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness. The traumatized individual can often help by using a rehearsed "file" which sends a signal to loved ones that the situation and condition is being managed.

Feeling Levels Can Pull Files

When we see a friend in town, the brain looks for and pull his/her file. Our emotions work this way also. When we begin to feel a certain feeling or when our "feeling level" reaches a certain spot, the brain searches for anything (a file or memory reference) we may have for that level of feeling. The brain basically asks the question "Have I felt this way before?" - If so, pull the file.

The explains why many people can only reach so far in a relationship. As they become emotionally closer, the brain may look for a file reference. Example:

New/current relationship

Strong feelings ----- ? (brain looks for a reference, finds the file below)

Memory file: "First Marriage" That file contains strong feelings ----> verbal/physical abuse ----- separation ----- divorce. Pulling that old file in the new relationship puts your emotional and romantic progress at a halt.

When we see what's in the "first marriage" file, it's easy to see how the individual would become uneasy, upset, and even defensive in the new relationship. This is why people become "bogged down" in relationships. If we develop odd feelings or attitudes that don't seem to fit the situation - look for a file that may be out. If you are thinking "Every time I feel this way..." and then predict the future, you've got a file out.

Developing a Treatment Plan

Let's suppose we have a strong Emotional Memory (EM), perhaps the result of an automobile accident, a childhood trauma, a life-threatening experience, a physical assault, a public embarrassment, or something equally emotionally traumatic. We can develop a treatment plan to eliminate the "emotional" part of the memory. We can never eliminate the details of the memory/experience - only brain damage or disease wipes out complete memories. The goal in the treatment of Emotional Memories (EM) is to eliminate the emotional component - the part that causes us emotional pain. If the emotional component/part is taken away, we can relate the story without fear of being upset or returning to that mood.

Keep in mind the goal with Emotional Memory (EM) - Eliminating the emotional part of the memory. One of the fastest and easiest ways to complete that task is to "water down" the emotional part of the memory. To do this, imagine having a letter saved on a computer word processor. Each time you retrieve the letter - it looks the same, reads the same, and says the same thing. If we pull it up on the computer screen, read it, then save it - nothing has changed. This is what happens when we relate Emotional Memory (EM) events to others without adding to the memory or file.

What happens if we pull up that word processor letter each day. Each time we pull it up on the screen, we add one long sentence to the letter - a sentence that is silly, unrelated to the letter, or just a bit off-base - then save it again. After two weeks we've added 14 sentences to the letter and the original letter is now gone. It's something totally different now. We use this technique to eliminate emotional parts of Emotional Memory (EM).

Technique: Each time we pull a bad Emotional Memory (EM) file, we add something to it. A comment, a joke, a physical gesture, etc. The brain will automatically save the file due to the new/added parts.

Sample Treatment Plan:

Event: We have been violently assaulted by someone.

Emotional part of the memory: The emotional component contains fears of dying, a fight-for-my-life feeling, panic, and severe anxiety.

Procedure: Each time we bring up the Emotional Memory (EM) of the event, we add something - the funnier the better. For example: "After that assault, I've canceled my scheduled bout with Mike Tyson. I'm just not up to it." or "I've decided to market a line of assault-proof underwear. You think JC Penneys would be interested?" or "I've haven't had a fight like that since I used my brother's Beatles albums as Frisbees!" It's like adding a sentence each time we review the word processor letter - watering down the original content over time. We can makeup or imagine part of the event as a humorous addition, for example "I just kept thinking during the attack, my taxes are due!!" The reactions of others to your humor will also be added to the file. This is why a World War II vet can talk calmly about horrible events during the war at the American Legion - he's discussed it so often, in so many different circumstances, that the emotional part has gone. Only the details remain. In Emotional Memory (EM), we naturally do this technique, commonly known as "getting over it". This paper just tells you how to do that faster and more efficiently. Any Emotional Memory (EM) can be approached in this manner and "watered down".

Summary

We are a collection of memories - that's who we are, what makes up our personality, what controls our behaviors, and what often produces our moods. The good Emotional Memory (EM) is a blessing to us, remembering good times during childhood, our favorite songs/events, and old friends. However, we have all collected bad or often traumatic Emotional Memory (EM) files as well. The goal of Emotional Memory (EM) Management is to control or eliminate the emotional part of those files. If we can do that, our history of bad experiences becomes just that - history. Those files become a record of where we've been and experienced, not something that continues to control our moods and behaviors.

In daily living and especially during times of stress, our memory file system is very important. It is a system that is active every second, works automatically, and can change our mood within two minutes. Our office has presented the above information with the hope that you can lower your stress and live more effectively by controlling your emotional memory files rather than allowing them to control you! Remember - our emotional file system is like our breathing, it will operate on automatic or we can take manual control. Knowing how the system operates allows us more control over our memories and daily lives.

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

More On PPD

2011-01-31T06:22:00.011-06:00

Source http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe01.html

Diagnostic Features:

Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) is a condition characterized by excessive distrust and suspiciousness of others. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing. This disorder should not be diagnosed if the distrust and suspiciousness occurs exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder or if it is due to the direct physiological effects of a neurological (e.g., temporal lobe epilepsy) or other general medical condition.

Complications:

Individuals with this disorder are generally difficult to get along with and often have problems with close relationships because of their excessive suspiciousness and hostility. Their combative and suspicious nature may elicit a hostile response in others, which then serves to confirm their original expectations. Individuals with this disorder have a need to have a high degree of control over those around them. They are often rigid, critical of others, and unable to collaborate, although they have great difficulty accepting criticism themselves. They often become involved in legal disputes. They may exhibit thinly hidden, unrealistic grandiose fantasies, are often attuned to issues of power and rank, and tend to develop negative stereotypes of others, particularly those from population groups distinct from their own. More severely affected individuals with this disorder may be perceived by others as fanatics and form tightly knit cults or groups with others who share their paranoid beliefs.

Comorbidity:

In response to stress, individuals with this disorder may experience very brief psychotic episodes (lasting minutes to hours). If the psychotic episode lasts longer, this disorder may actually develop into Delusional Disorder or Schizophrenia. Individuals with this disorder are at increased risk for Major Depressive Disorder, Agoraphobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Alcohol and Substance-Related Disorders. Other Personality Disorders (especially Schizoid, Schizotypal, Narcissistic, Avoidant, and Borderline) often co-occur with this disorder.

Associated Laboratory Findings:

No laboratory test has been found to be diagnostic of this disorder.

Prevalence:

The prevalence of Paranoid Personality Disorder is about 0.5%-2.5% of the general population. It is seen in 2%-10% of psychiatric outpatients. This disorder occurs more commonly in males.

Course:

This disorder may be first apparent in childhood and adolescence with solitariness, poor peer relationships, social anxiety, underachievement in school, hypersensitivity, peculiar thoughts and language, and idiosyncratic fantasies. These children may appear to be ?odd? or ?eccentric? and attract teasing. The course of this disorder is chronic.

Familial Pattern:

This disorder is more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with Schizophrenia and Delusional Disorder, Persecutory Type.

F60.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder

Personality disorder characterized by at least 3 of the following:

(a) excessive sensitiveness to setbacks and rebuffs.

(b) tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights.

(c) suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous.

(d) a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation.

(e) recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;

(f) tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude.

(g) preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.

Source: http://www.mentalhealth.com/icd/p22-pe01.html

Paranoid Personality Disorder

2010-11-08T09:36:00.001-06:00

Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A new diagnosis?

2010-07-11T22:22:00.001-05:00

Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A new diagnosis?

What is an Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

2010-07-07T00:02:00.001-05:00

What does it feel like to be like you?

2010-06-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

If Only

2010-04-18T05:13:00.004-05:00

"Oh only if they could Love! For they will then truly know what they are missing and will miss in time by time"....

If only
By: James Phillips

For only Dorothy if you could love yourself like I loved you
To relate and love your children as they loved you
You suffering would end and the earth would quake
As it witness that you awake

Arrows throw at you by the God of desirers
Would turn to flowers cooling your desires
You suffering would be understood by you
Demons would flee by your silence before you

If you knew love that tingling feeling
feeling deep inside of you would
bring to you a feeling of bliss
and sweet meditation that would be
voided of doubt and fear
The very foundation of all our suffering

If only you knew love it would melt
all insecurities and fears build by you too protect your self
yet it only keep you apart from all those
who loved you
Cared for you
and would suffer for you

If only Dorothy...
If only you could love...

You would know and feel what we know and feel Dorothy...

If only....

People of the Lie

2010-02-07T10:46:00.008-06:00

Studies from the book, "People of the Lie," by M. Scott Peck

To better understand evil, it is worthwhile to consider the conclusions of scholars, such as M. Scott Peck, Erich Fromm, Martin Buber and others who devoted a good part of their lives to the study of the nature of the workings of the minds of evil people. Although many thinkers, ethicists, theologians and behavioral scientists have written volumes on the subject and many of those have influenced my thinking, I gained my clearest perspective after reading Peck's book, "People of the Lie." M. Scott Peck was the noted psychiatrist, who also wrote "The Road Less Traveled," one of the best selling books of all time. Therefore, many of the observations and conclusions which follow are taken either directly from his writings or are paraphrasings (so much so that this would really be considered a book review rather than an original discussion). For me to claim (or allude to) them as my own would be plagiarism and therefore I give full attribution to Dr. Peck for the excellent work he did in his analysis of the nature of evil.

Value Judgement

To label certain human beings as evil is to make an obviously severely critical value judgment. Jesus made a statement, often stated out of context, "Judge not, that ye be not judged." But that lesson did not mean we should never judge our neighbor, because he went on to say, "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye." Together, those thoughts seem to mean that we should judge others only with great care, and that such carefulness begins with self-judgment. We cannot begin to hope to heal human evil until we are able to look at it directly. It is not a pleasant sight. There is a vital reason to correctly name evil for what it is, so that there can possibly be the healing of its victims. How are we to take Christ's admonition to " judge not lest you be judged" and still label someone as evil? If you see something wrong, don't you try to correct it? Jim Jones? Medical experiments on Jews? There is such a thing as an excess of sympathy, an excess of tolerance, an excess of permissiveness. We cannot lead decent lives without making judgments; general and moral judgments in particular. Christ did not enjoin us to refrain from ever judging. What he went on to say in those next four verses is that we should judge ourselves before we judge others, not that we should not judge at all. We are to purify ourselves before judging others. This is where 'the evil' fail. It is the self-criticism they avoid.
Understanding human evil

Evil can be done against others without apparent physical damage. We may "break" a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head. Erich Fromm was acutely sensitive to this, when he broadened the definition of necrophilia to include the desire of certain people to control others, to make them controllable, to foster their dependency, to discourage their capacity to think for themselves, to diminish their unpredictability and originality, to keep them in line. Fromm described that there is a "necrophiliac character type," whose aim it is to avoid the inconvenience of life by transforming others into obedient automatons, robbing them of their humanity. Evil can be primarily defined as that force, residing either inside or outside of human beings, which seeks to kill life or liveliness. And goodness is its opposite. Goodness is that which promotes life and liveliness. As Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." There is another reaction that the evil frequently engenders in us, confusion. Describing an encounter with an evil person, one woman wrote, it was "as if I'd suddenly lost my ability to think." Once again, this reaction is quite appropriate. Lies confuse. The evil are "the people of the lie," deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people, rather is is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin, but the refusal to acknowledge it. They are criminals in that they commit "crimes" against life and liveliness. Their "crimes" are many times so subtle and covert that they often cannot clearly be designated as crime. The theme of hiding and covertness will occur again and again.

Other definitions of evil

Although the evil are certainly not healthy, they are not easily (or credibly) classified for what they are by conventional mental health standards. This is because, scientifically, there has not yet been developed a definition for their disease. If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds (which will often occur at some point in their lives, most often tragically too late for their victims) or the magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. This is because, those who have "crossed over the line" are characterized by their absolute refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness. The evil in this world is committed by the spiritual fat cats, by the Pharisees of our own day, the self-righteous, who think they are without sin, because they are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of significant self-examination. The evil do not serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to themselves. In fact, they don’t bear it at all. And it is out of their failure to put themselves on trial that their evil arises. The varieties of people’s wickedness are manifold. As a result of their refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness, the evil ones become uncorrectable grab bags of sin.

Scapegoating, a key characteristic

A predominant characteristic of the behavior of the evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. Definition: Scapegoat - an innocent accused and forced to take blame. And more significant, one who is the object of irrational hostility. Scapegoating works through a mechanism which psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that while they are in conflict with the world, they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.

Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people who can be designated as evil are invariably chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil will attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one's need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our own imperfection. Strangely enough, evil people are often destructive because they are attempting to destroy evil which they identify as in others. The problem is that they misplace the locos of the evil. Instead of destroying others, they should be destroying the sickness within themselves. As their life experience and actions are subjected to examination by others, such exposure will often threaten their self-image of perfection, and they are often busily engaged in hating and destroying those person's lives, usually in the name or righteousness. The fault, however, may not be so much that they hate life as that they do not hate the sinful part of themselves. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, an evil person who "scapegoats" must lash out at anyone who does reproach them.

They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection. Take a simple example of a six-year-old boy who asks his father, “Daddy, why did you call Grandmommy a bitch?” “I told you to stop bothering me,” the father roars. “Now you’re going to get it. I’m going to teach you not to use such filthy language. I’m going to wash your mouth out with soap. Maybe that will teach you to clean up what you say and keep your mouth shut when you’re told.” Dragging the boy upstairs to the soap dish, the father inflicts this punishment on him. In the name of “proper discipline” evil has been committed. The father perceived the profanity and uncleanliness as existing in his son and took action to cleanse his son’s “filthiness.” Yet we know it was the father who was profane and unclean. The father projected his own filth onto his son and then assaulted his son in the name of good parenting. Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and evil people are chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one’s need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our imperfection.

Use of power to destroy spiritual growth

Evil is further defined as the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of their own sick selves.This definition provides a further explanation of the scapegoating mechanism . They scapegoat not the strong but the weak. For the evil to so misuse their power, they must have the power to use in the first place. They must have some kind of dominion over their victims. And for adults to be the victims of evil, they too must be powerless to escape. They may be powerless when a gun is held to their head, as when the Jews were herded into the gas chambers or when the inhabitants of MyLai were lined up to be shot. Or they may be powerless by virtue of their own failure of courage. They maybe powerless because of their own greed to want to be provided for materially without having the normal obligations of a work-a-day world. This is often found in the "commune phenomenon," in which groups (or even just one individual, such as a mistress) will surrender their will to a charismatic leader who will provide for their shelter and food and clothing.

Dedication to a Self-image of Perfection

The evil are utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. They often dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words “image,” “appearance,” and “outwardly” are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their “goodness” is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the “people of the lie.” Actually, the lie is designed not so much to deceive others as to deceive themselves. They cannot or will not tolerate the pain of self-reproach. The decorum with which they lead their lives is maintained as a mirror in which they can see themselves reflected righteously. Yet the self-deceit would be unnecessary if the evil had no sense of right and wrong.

We lie only when we are attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Some rudimentary form of conscience must precede the act of lying. There is no need to hide unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden. We come now to a sort of paradox. Evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At once and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness (or attempting to redefine their evil as good). The problem is not a defect of conscience, but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it. Since they will do almost anything to avoid the particular pain that comes from self-examination, under ordinary circumstances, the evil are the last people who would ever come to psychotherapy. The evil hate the light – the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of the truth that penetrates their deception. Psychotherapy is a light-shedding process par excellence.

Except for the most twisted motives, an evil person would be more likely to choose any other conceivable route than the psychiatrist's couch. The submission to the discipline of self-observation, required by psychoanalysis does, in fact, seem to them like suicide. The most significant reason we know so little scientifically about human evil is simply that the evil are so extremely reluctant to be studied. It often happens that the evil may be recognized by its very disguise. The lie can sometimes be perceived before the misdeed that it was designed to hide, the cover-up before the fact. We see the smile that hides the hatred, the smooth and oily manner that masks the fury, the velvet glove that covers the fist. However, because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable. Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? Evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.

Narcissism

The essential psychological problem of human evil is a particular variety of narcissism. Narcissism, or self-absorption, takes many forms. Some are normal. Some are normal in childhood but not in adulthood. Some are more distinctly pathological than others. If the central defect of the evil is not one of conscience, then where does it reside? The essential psychological problem of human evil is a particular variety of narcissism. Definition: Narcissism - A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition. There is a particular pathologic variant that Erich Fromm called "malignant narcissism." Malignant narcissism is characterized by an unsubmitted will. All adults who are mentally healthy submit themselves one way or another to something higher than themselves, be it God or truth or love or some other ideal. They do what God wants them to do rather than what they would desire. “Thy will, not mine, be done,” the God-submitted person says. They believe in what is true rather than what they would like to be true. What their beloved needs, becomes more important to them than their own gratification. In summary, to a greater or lesser degree, all mentally healthy individuals submit themselves to the demands of their own conscience. Not so the evil, however. In the conflict between their guilt and their will, it is the guilt that must go and the will that must win.

Theologians speak of evil being a consequence of free will. When God, creating us in His own image, gave us free will, He had to allow us humans the option of evil. The problem can also be envisioned in the so-called "secular" terms of evolution theory (or the more scientifically acceptable explanation). Such would be explained in terms of the “will” of less evolved creatures seeming to be largely under the control of their instincts. And continuing that line of reasoning, when humans evolved from the apes, they largely evolved out from under such instinctual controls and hence into free will. Following that sequence of logic, this evolution placed humans in the position of being totally willful or having to seek new ways of self-control through submission to higher principles. But this still leaves us with the question of why some human beings are able to achieve such submission while others are not. Indeed, it is almost tempting to think that the problem of evil lies in the will itself. Perhaps the evil are born so inherently strong-willed that it is impossible for them to ever submit their will. Yet, it appears that it is characteristic of most “great” people that they are extremely strong-willed, whether their greatness be for good or for evil. The crucial distinction is between “willingness and willfulness.”

There is an extraordinary willfulness of evil people. They are men and women of obviously strong will, determined to have their own way. There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others. The willful failure of submission that characterizes malignant narcissism is depicted in both the stories of Satan and of Cain and Abel.. Satan refused to submit to God's judgment that Christ was superior to him. For Christ to be preferred meant that Satan was not. Satan was less than Christ in God's eyes. For Satan to have accepted God's judgment, he would have to accept his own imperfection. This he could not or would not do. It was unthinkable that he was imperfect. Consequently submission was impossible and both the rebellion and fall inevitable. And for Cain, he, like Satan, decided that he should take the law into his own hands and commit murder. In some similar fashion, although it is usually more subtle, all who are evil also take the law into their own hands, to destroy life or liveliness in defense of their narcissistic self-image.

Pride and Arrogance

Being at the very root of evil, it is no accident that church scholars have generally considered pride first among the sins. By the sin of pride they do not generally mean the sense of legitimate achievement one might enjoy after a job well done. While such pride, like normal narcissism, may have its pitfalls, it is also part of healthy self-confidence and a realistic sense of self-worth. What is meant is, rather, a kind of pride that unrealistically denies our inherent sinfulness and imperfection – a kind of smug self-righteous pride or arrogance that prompts people to reject and even attack the judgment implied by the day-to-day evidence of their own inadequacy. In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." The failure of the evil to define themselves as disordered is an essential, integral component of their condition. What is the cause of this overweening pride, this arrogant self-image of perfection, this particularly malignant type of narcissism? Why does it afflict a few when most seem to escape its clutches? We do not know. In the past fifteen years, psychiatrists have begun to pay increasing attention to the phenomenon of narcissism, but our understanding of the subject is still in its infancy. We have not yet succeeded, for instance, in distinguishing the different types of excessive self-absorption. There are many who are clearly -- even grossly -- narcissistic in one way or another, but are not evil. All that can be said at this point is that the particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. Why a person should be a victim of this type and not another or none at all, can only be vaguely surmised. The utter failure to submit oneself to reality is the extreme state of narcissism, narcissism in its ultimate form, oblivious to certain essential dimensions of reality. Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. For the complete narcissist, others have no more psychologic reality than a piece of furniture. Narcissists have only what Martin Buber calls, "I-I relationships." They exercise a strange sort of political power, that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion, in order to prevent individual spiritual growth.

Evil could have been defined most simply as the use of political power to destroy others for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of own' s sick self. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Most people fail in the art of living, not because they are inherently bad or because they so much without will that they cannot lead a better life; they fail because they do not wake up and see when they stand at a fork in the road and have to decide. They are not aware when life asks them a question, and when they still have alternative answers. Then with each step along the wrong road it becomes increasingly difficult for them to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they must go back to the first wrong turn, and must accept the fact that they have wasted energy and time. Fromm saw the genesis of human evil as a developmental process, that we are not created evil or forced to be evil, but we become evil slowly ove r time through a long series of choices. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan." Characteristic of the evil is that theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy.We can see, then, that their narcissism makes the evil dangerous, not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others, but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others. In addition to the evil needing victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well. As it can give them the motive for murder, so it also can render them insensitive to the act of killing. The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all. Each of us is unique. Except in the mystical frame of reference, we are all separate entities. Our uniqueness makes each of us an "I entity," providing each of us with a separate identity. There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealing with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of, and a prerequisite for mental health that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. The evil fail to make those distinctions.

The Subtlety of Evil

One respect in which it is difficult to explain about evil is its subtlety. Evil sometimes will manifest itself obviously. In Dr. Peck's book, The People of the Lie, he described parents with two sons, whose oldest boy committed suicide. They subsequently gave the very rifle that boy used to end his life as a birthday gift to his younger brother. There, evil showed itself as quite apparent, but it rarely does so. More commonly, evil's manifestations are seemingly ordinary, superficially normal, and even apparently rational. Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors, either to others or to themselves. It is not without reason that the serpent is renowned for his subtlety. It is exceedingly rare, therefore, that we can pass judgment on a person as being evil after observing a single act; instead, our judgment must be made on the basis of a whole pattern of acts as well as their manner and style. There is something basically incomprehensible about evil. But if not incomprehensible, it is characteristically inscrutable . The evil always hide their motives with lies. Wherever there is evil, there's a lie around. Evil always has something to do with lies. Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. The pretense of the evil is designed at least as much to deceive themselves as others. A child can emotionally survive only by virtue of a massive fortification of its psyche. While such fortifications or psychological defenses are essential to its survival through childhood, they inevitably distort or compromise its life as an adult.

Creating a sick society

The denial of their own suffering is, in fact, a better definition of illness than its acceptance. The evil deny the suffering of their guilt, the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and their imperfection by casting their pain onto others through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. They cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. Think of the psychic energy required for the continued maintenance of the pretense so characteristic of the evil. They perhaps direct at least as much energy into their devious rationalizations and destructive compensations as the healthiest do into loving behavior. Why? What possesses them, drives them? Basically it is fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face-to-face with their own evil. Of all emotions, fear is the most painful. Regardless of how well they attempt to appear calm and collected in their daily dealings, the evil live their lives in fear. It is a terror and a suffering so chronic, so interwoven into the fabric of their being, that they may not even feel it as such. And if they could, their omnipresent narcissism will prohibit them from ever acknowledging it. We can surely pity them for the lives they live of almost unremitting apprehension.

Evil as a personality disorder

Illness and disease could be defined as any defect in the structure of our bodies or our personalities that prevents us from fulfilling our potential as human beings. A good definition of such potential can be found in Abraham Maslow's description of "self-actualized" persons in his book, Motivation and Personality. He believes that the phenomenon of evil can and should be subjected to scientific scrutiny. Of course, if evil an illness, it is not only a disease; it is the ultimate disease. The existing broad psychiatric category of "personality disorders" currently covers those psychiatric conditions in which the denial of personal responsibility is the prominent feature. By virtue of their unwillingness to tolerate the sense of personal sin and the denial of their imperfection, the evil easily fit into this broad diagnostic category. There is even within this class a subcategory entitled "narcissistic personality disorder." It might be quite appropriate to classify evil people as constituting a specific variant of the narcissistic personality disorder. Many of the evil people seen by psychiatrists are diagnosed as having "ambulatory schizophrenia." And those who are personally exposed to those who have been designated as "ambulatory schizophrenics" most often define them as evil people. Peck believed that the time is right for psychiatry to recognize a distinct new type of personality disorder to encompass those which he defined as evil.

A proposed new scientific definition of evil

In addition to the abrogation of responsibilities characterizing all personality disorders, this one would specifically be distinguished by: (a) consistent destructive, scapegoating behavior, which may often be quite subtle. (b) excessive, albeit usually covert, intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury. (c) pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, contributing to a stability of life-style but also to pretentiousness and denial of hateful feelings or vengeful motives. (d) intellectual deviousness, with an increased likelihood of a mild schizophrenic-like disturbance of thinking at times of stress. But to get such a classification is probably not realistic. In that regard, it is noteworthy how difficult it is to examine evil people in depth, because it is their nature to avoid the light. Denying their imperfection, the evil flee both self-examination and any situation in which they might be closely examined by others.

The phenomenon of group evil

The phenomenon of group evil is somewhat distinct from, although in many respects similar to, the phenomenon of individual evil. Human groups tend to behave in much the same ways as human individuals-except at a level that is more primitive and immature that one might expect. Why this is so, why the behavior of groups is strikingly immature, why they are, from a psychological standpoint, less than the sum of their parts, is a question unable to be answered. One thing, however, is certain; there is more than one right answer. The phenomenon of group immaturity is, to use a psychiatric term, "overdetermined." This is to say that it is the result of multiple causes. One of those causes is the problem of specialization. Specialization contributes to the immaturity of groups and their potential for evil through several different mechanisms. One such mechanism: the fragmentation of conscience. Whenever the roles of individuals within a group become specialized, it become both possible and easy for the individual to pass the moral buck to some other part of the group. In this way, not only does the individual forsake his conscience but the conscience of the group as a whole can become so fragmented and diluted as to be nonexistent.

Any group will remain inevitably, potentially conscienceless and evil until such time as each and every individual holds himself or herself directly responsible for the behavior of the whole group... of which he or she is a part. As with any lie, the primary motive of a cover-up is fear. In a situation of prolonged discomfort we humans naturally, almost inevitably, tend to regress. Our psychological growth reverses itself; our maturity is forsaken. Can we not say that human beings are more likely to be evil in times of stress than in times of comfort? The truly good are those who in time of stress do not desert their integrity, their maturity, their sensitivity. Nobility might be defined as the capacity not to regress in response to degradation, not to become blunted in the face of pain, to tolerate the agonizing and remain intact. One measure-and perhaps the best measure-of a person's greatness is the capacity for suffering. Individuals not only routinely regress in times of stress, they also regress in group settings. One aspect of this regression is the phenomenon of dependency on the leader. Assemble any small group of strangers and almost the very first thing that happens is that one of them rapidly assumes the role of group leader. Most people would rather be followers. It is simply easy to follow, and much easier to be a follower than a leader. There is no need to agonize over complex decisions, plan ahead, exercise initiative, risk unpopularity, or exert much courage. The problem is that the role of follower is the role of child. The individual adult, as individual, is master of his own ship, director of his destiny. But when he assumes the role of follower, he hands over to the leader his power: his authority over himself and his maturity as decision-maker. He becomes psychologically dependent on the leader in the same way as a child is dependent on its parents. In this way, there is a profound tendency for the average individual to emotionally regress as soon as he becomes a group member. One therapy technique is to challenge the person's dependency within the group.... so that they learn how to exercise mature power in a group setting. The ideal mature therapy group is a group composed entirely of leaders. Most groups, however, do not have the opportunity or exist for the purpose of psychotherapy or personal growth. As an example, by nature of its mission, the military designedly and probably realistically fosters the naturally occurring regressive dependency of individuals within its groups.

Patterns of group behavior are remarkably similar to the behavior of an individual. This is because a group is an organism. It tends to function as a single entity. A group of individuals behave as a unit because of what is called group cohesiveness. There are profound forces at work within a group to keep its individual members together and in line. When these forces to cohesiveness fail, the group begins to disintegrate and ceases to be in a group. Probably the most powerful of these group cohesive forces is again narcissism (but, now group narcissism). In its simplest and most benign form, this is manifested in group pride. As the members feel proud of their group so the group feels proud of itself. A less benign, but practically universal form of group narcissism is what might be called "enemy creation," or hatred of the "out-group." We can see this naturally occurring in children as they first learn to develop groups. The groups become cliques. Those who do not belong to the group (club or clique) are despised as being inferior or evil or both. If a group does not already have an enemy, it will most likely create one in short order. It is almost common knowledge that the best way to cement group cohesiveness is to ferment the group's hatred of an external enemy. Deficiencies within the group can be easily and painlessly overlooked by focusing attention on the deficiencies or "sins" of the out-group.. Thus the Germans under Hitler could ignore their domestic problems by scapegoating the Jews. In the same fashion that evil individuals will flee self-examination and guilt by blaming and attempting to destroy whatever or whoever highlights their deficiencies, the same malignant narcissistic behavior comes naturally to groups. From this it should be obvious that the failing group is the one likely to behave most evilly. Failure wounds our pride, and it is the wounded animal who is vicious. In the healthy organism, failure will be a stimulus to self-examination and criticism. But since the evil individual cannot tolerate self-criticism, it is in time of failure that he or she will inevitably lash out one way or another. And so it is with groups. Group failure and the stimulation of group self-criticism act to damage group pride and cohesiveness. Group leaders in all places and ages have therefore routinely bolstered group cohesiveness in times of failure by whipping the group's hatred for foreigners or the "enemy." Considering more about the potential for evil in specialization, the specialized individual is in a position to pass the moral buck to some other specialized cog in the machine or onto the machine itself. The regression that individuals undergo when they take the role of followers in a group relates to specialization. The follower is not a whole person. He whose accepted role it is neither to think nor lead have defaulted his capacity to think and lead. And because thinking and leading are no longer his specialty or duty, he usually defaults his conscience in the bargain.

Turning from consideration of the specialized individual to the specialized group, we will see the same sorts of dangerous forces at work. The specialized group inevitably develops a group character that is self-reinforcing. Second, specialized groups are therefore particularly prone to narcissism, that is, to experiencing themselves as uniquely right and superior in relation to other homogeneous groups. Finally, the society at large- partly, through the self-selection process described, employs specific types of people to perform its specialized roles, as, for instance, it employs aggressive, unconventional men to perform its police functions. But, it is is not realistic to encourage and manipulate human beings into specialized groups and simultaneously expect them, without any significant training, to maintain a breath of the vision much beyond their specialty. The reality is that it is not only possible, but easy and even natural for a large group to commit evil without emotional involvement, simply by turning loose its specialists. What we need to learn is that whenever we create specialty groups, we are creating the dangerous possibility that our right hand will not know what our left is doing. We must realize the potential danger and structure of our specialty groups in such a way as to minimize it. Otherwise we will insulate ourselves from our own deeds, and as a whole people we will become like the individuals described in previous sections: evil. For evil arises in the refusal to acknowledge our own sins. Again and again, we have noted the birth of evil from a condition of threatened narcissism. As the highly narcissistic (evil) individual will strike out to destroy whoever challenges his or her self-image of perfection... Attitudes have a kind of inertia. Once set in motion, they will keep going, even in the face of the evidence. To change an attitude requires a considerable amount of work and suffering. The process must begin either in an purposefully maintained posture of constant self-doubt and criticism or else in a painful acknowledgment that what we thought was right all along may not be right after all. aIt is only from the quicksand of confusion that we are able to leap to the new and better vision.

Victims of evil

The most typical victim of evil is a child. This is to be expected, because children are not only the weakest and most vulnerable members of our society but also because parents wield a power over the lives of their children that is essentially absolute. The dominion of master over slave is not far different from the domination of parent over child. The child’s immaturity and resulting dependency mandate its parents’ possession of great power but do not negate the fact that this power, like all power, is subject to abuse of various degrees of malignancy. Moreover, the relationship between parent and child is one of enforced intimacy. A master could always sell a slave if the relationship was one he found intolerable. But just as children are not free from their parents, so it is not easy for parents to escape from their children and the pressures that their children impose. Another typical and rather intriguing feature is the extraordinary unity of the parents in the case studies Peck presents. Often both parents were evil.

Evil and Sin

It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people, rather it is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it. Except for their evil, evil people are most ordinary. They live down the street – on any street. They may be rich or poor, educated or uneducated. There is little that is dramatic about them. They are not designated criminals. More often than not they will be “solid citizens” – Sunday school teachers, policemen, or bankers, and active in the PTA.

Evil People vs. Criminals

How can this be? How can they be evil and not designated as criminals? The key lies in the word “designated.” They are criminals in that they commit “crimes” against life and liveliness. But except in rare instances – such as the case of a Hitler – when they might achieve extraordinary degrees of political power that remove them from ordinary restraints, their “crimes” are so subtle and covert that they cannot clearly be designated as crimes. Dr. Peck, spent a good deal of time working in prisons with designated criminals. Almost never did he experience them as evil people. Obviously they are destructive, and usually repetitively so. But there is a kind of randomness to their destructiveness. Moreover, although to the authorities they generally deny responsibility for their evil deeds, there is still a quality of openness to their wickedness. They themselves are quick to point this out, claiming that they have been caught, precisely because they are the “honest criminals.” The truly evil, those prisoners will say, almost always reside outside of jail. Although, clearly these proclamations are self-justifying. They are also, generally accurate. People in jail can almost always be assigned a standard psychiatric diagnosis of one kind or another. The diagnoses range all over the map and correspond, in layman’s terms, to such qualities as craziness or impulsiveness or aggressiveness or lack of conscience. The men and women defined as evil have no such obvious defects and do not fall clearly into routine psychiatric pigeonholes. This is not because the evil are healthy. It is simply because there has not yet developed a definition for their disease.

Evil Deeds vs. Evil People

Since there is a distinguishment between evil people and ordinary criminals, obviously there is the distinction between evil as a personality characteristic and evil deeds. In other words, evil deeds do not an evil person make. Otherwise we should all be evil, because we all do evil things. Sinning is most broadly defined as “missing the mark.” This means that we sin every time, we fail to hit the bull’s-eye. Sin is nothing more and nothing less than a failure to be continually perfect. Because it is impossible for us to be continually perfect, we are all sinners. We routinely fail to do the very best of which we are capable, and with each failure we commit a crime of sorts – against God, our neighbors, or ourselves, if not frankly against the law. Of course there are crimes of greater and lesser magnitude. It is a mistake, however, to think of sin or evil as a matter of degree. It may seem less odious to cheat the rich than the poor, but it is still cheating. There are differences before the law between defrauding a business, claiming a false deduction on your income tax, using a crib sheet in an examination, etc., etc., but the fact remains that they are all lies and betrayals. If you are sufficiently scrupulous not to have done any such thing recently, then ask whether there is any way in which you have lied to yourself. Or have kidded yourself. Or have been less than you could be – which is self- betrayal. Be perfectly honest with yourself, and you will realize that you sin. If you do not realize it, then you are not perfectly honest with yourself, which is itself a sin. It is inescapable: we are all sinners.

Cause of failure of self-hatred

What is the cause of this failure of self-hatred, this failure to be displeasing to oneself, which seems to be the central sin at the root of the scapegoating behavior of those called evil? The cause is not, an absent conscience. There are people, both in and out of jail, who seem utterly lacking in conscience or superego. Psychiatrists call them psychopaths or sociopaths. Guiltless, they not only commit crimes, but may often do so with a kind of reckless abandon. There is little pattern or meaning to their criminality and it is not particularly characterized by scapegoating. Conscienceless, psychopaths appear to be bothered or worried by very little – including their own criminality. They seem to be about as happy inside a jail or not. They do attempt to hide their crimes, but their efforts to do so are often feeble and careless and poorly planned. They have sometimes been referred to as “moral imbeciles,” and there is almost a quality of innocence to their lack of worry and concern.

Familial evil -- the genesis of narcissism

Evil seems to run in families. But the familial pattern, if accurate, does nothing to resolve the old "nature versus nurture" controversy. Does evil run in families because it is genetic and inherited? Or because it is learned by the child in imitation of its parents: Or even as a defense against its parents? And how are we to explain the fact that many of the children of evil parents, although usually scarred, are not evil? We do not know, and we will not know until an enormous amount of painstaking scientific work has been accomplished. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Since almost all young children demonstrate a formidable array of narcissistic characteristics, it is assumed that narcissism is something we generally "grow out of" in the course of normal development, through a stable childhood, under the care of loving and understanding parents. If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic (such as the enduring the experiences of sexual abuse), it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes of its intolerable life. This theory might well apply to the genesis of human evil. The builders of the medieval cathedrals placed upon their buttresses the figures of gargoyles -- themselves symbols of evil -- in order to ward off the spirits of greater evil. Thus children may become evil in order to defend themselves against the onslaught of parents who are evil. It is possible, therefore, to think of human evil -- or some of it -- as a kind of psychological gargoylism.

There are other ways, however, to look at the genesis of human evil. Some of us are very good and some of us very evil, and most of us are somewhere in between. We might therefore think of human good and evil as a kind of continuum. As individuals we can move ourselves one way or another along the continuum. Just as there is a tendency for the rich to get richer, however, and the poor to get poorer, so there seems to be a tendency for the good to get better and the bad to get worse.

Source: Lisa E Scott

Welcome

2009-10-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

menwhoareabuse.com

2009-10-22T20:11:00.002-05:00

INSIDE THE ABUSIVE MIND

2009-10-05T22:52:00.004-05:00

"..the narcissistic abuser often picks energetic, loving, successful, passionate people. They seek out in others, what they lack, then begin the process of appropriating what the other has for themselves. In this sense they are true emotional vampires, robbing their victims of their personality, they energy, their passion for life - metaphorically killing them."

Their preferred method though, in the end, is to have the victim self-destruct, allowing them to walk away in triumph seeking sympathy for what they've had to endure with this 'crazy person'." - Sandra Brown, MA

(edited slightly for cyberpaths)

Abusive people (such as cyberpaths) typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.

These may include:

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building himself up. Beckstead - prime example!

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. Cyberpath example: "If you wouldn't "tempt me" I wouldn't beg you for intimate photos, cybersex or send you dirty pictures.."

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. Cyberpath example: My wife/ partner doesn't love me; won't have sex with me; makes me feel bad - anyway... so I need to turn to you (and net porn) for relief. My boss stresses me out... so I take it out on you (victim) at the computer.

Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. The Cyberpath may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on her good side. (love bombing, coercion, manipulation, brainwashing, anchoring lies)

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. Cyberpath example: "I knew you'd be mad because I didn't come online when you asked, so I figured I might as well stay away for a week..."

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their partner. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. (If they are having net affairs they may take out their rage on the new victim rather than the spouse - knowing the person they are cheating with has no one to tell without revealing the net affair!)

One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the relationship because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.

Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive persons tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of the opposite sex. The man may expect the woman to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

Drama and Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement (sex? playing games with people's heads & emotions?) for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about himself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is his. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them, smearing their character, stalking, hacking their computers and taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers or abused people themselves. A person who sees violence, even verbal or emotional violence, as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. Cyberpath example: "Everything I said online wasn't that bad", or "You took what I said the wrong way."

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will seduce and malign people online but not in real life.

The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and abuse his victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.

Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody." (they usually only go to counseling when caught, as a way to say - "I straightened my life out - its ok now", then go RIGHT BACK TO COVERTLY ABUSING)

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very virile. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their partner who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the partner may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence (verbal, physical, emotional). (if they do genuinely express themselves its generally a sarcastic remark, a putdown or anger)

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely or selectively skewing facts lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Cyberpath Example: "I'm working, I can't chat right now." (Working on OTHER VICTIMS??)

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FROM THIS GREAT SITE: http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2007/03/inside-abusive-mind.html

Snapped

2009-08-11T04:09:00.003-05:00

Snapped: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/08/11/snapped

Posted Tue, 08/11/2009 - 02:21

In the past two weeks two associates have contacted me. One I have knows for about 2 years and the other I just recently met.

Old associate story:

Having not spoken with her for about a month I ran into OA (old associate) and she started telling me about how she had her children taken away because of the police being called to a DV (Domestic Violence) and had to spend 30 day in the cook county jail. OA been having problems with her husband who at one time left her and their five children a few years ago. After husband lost his job and all income came back and beg her for a second chance. Because OA husband is a drug addict I told her not to allow him back in until he went through a drug treatment program. OA didn’t listen to me so....

After she found out that once again he cheated on her and wanted to bring his new gf over to have sex with her in their apartment they got into a fight. By my OA account he attack her first by punching her in the back of her head. She then “snapped” and got a beer bottle and broke it and cut her husband around his nose. The husband then called the police and because of his cuts the police of course arrested her. He now has four of the children but gave the youngest back to her after she was release from the cook country jail. She is now facing a RO (restraining order of protection) and a DV arrest court dates...

But what I learned today is that OA is now dating another guy who shows a lot of red flags and I told her I believe she shouldn’t be sleeping with him at this time and to please be careful.

Think she will listen this time?

She is now asking me to write a deposition for her addressing the RO which is only a civil matter. I did advise her to get a lawyer concerning the DV. I am at this time not sure if I will help having done it before concerning other legal paperwork and having a hard time collecting my fee. I told her I would think about it...

New associate story:

Her husband left her in May 21 of this year. The NA (new associate) has been emotionally and psychologically abuse by her husband for many years. In the many years they were married the NA has told me they only have sex 12 times. Also, because of the way he treated her and emotionally broke her I believe she suffers from PTSD. The NA also agrees with this. The NA did threaten her husband one night when she “snapped” and told him she would throw hot boiling water on him and cut him with a knife if he wouldn’t stop yelling at her all the time. NA told me he would come home each night and verbally abuse her. These events happen in March of 2006. But after him leaving her the husband file a RO on her. I believe because the husband waited two-month and other issues about the case that she has a good case in her favor. I will help her with the deposition and try to help her get into some kind of therapy for the PTSD and other emotional stress she is experiencing.

I hope by sharing these two stories it will remind members to keep the NC policy. Never give your abuser a reason to turn the law against you for they will do it in a heartbeat. Never put yourself into a position where you too could "snapped". Not only will they take your heart but they may also take your freedom and smear your good name.

Thank you Dr. Joseph M Carver, Ph. D

2009-08-07T23:29:00.004-05:00

"The Loser"
Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Comment (September 27, 2003)

This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was originally written to help identify "Losers" in relationships. The e-mail feedback I have received on the article has been tremendous. It's clear the article is a way of identifying not only "losers" but controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It's also obvious these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships - but in our spouse, our parents, our friends, and our relatives. There are more victims in the environment of the Loser than his or her partner.

I've been contacted for help by the friends and loved ones of people involved in relationships with Losers (controlling and/or abusive partners). The loved ones want to understand the situation and ask for recommendations and guidance. For this group I have recently published "Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser". A link to this article is found at the end of this page.

Obviously, this article has created the need for sequels. I hope to publish a guide to assist Losers who want to change their life and behavior. An article addressing sons and daughters who were parented by Losers is also being planned. If our parent or parents have the characteristics listed in this article, our ability to function as a healthy adult may be hindered due to the dysfunctional family/parent model. My goal is to follow this issue and provide help and guidance to all those involved with controlling and abusive individuals - from partners to extended victims.

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him/Her As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

Dangerous Versions of "The Loser"

There are more severe if not dangerous versions of "The Loser" that have been identified over the years. If you are involved in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional and legal assistance to save yourself.

Physical Abuser Physical abusers begin the relationship with physical moving - shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. That quickly moves into verbal threats with physical gestures - the finger in the face, clinched fist in the face, and voiced physical threats such as "You make me want to break your face!" Eventually, these combine to form actual physical abuse - hitting, slapping, and kicking. "The Loser" is always sorry the next day and begins the mean-then-sweet cycle all over again. Getting away from physical abusers often requires the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner, break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault. If the female loser is bruised in the process of self-protection, as when physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises are then "displayed" to others as evidence of what a bad person the partner is and how abusive they have been in the relationship.

Psychotic Losers There are losers that are severely ill in a psychiatric sense - the movie description of the "Fatal Attraction". Some may tell you wild stories and try to convince you that they are connected to The Mob or a government agency (CIA, FBI, etc.). They may fake terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. They intimidate and frighten you with comments such as "I can have anyone killed..." or "No one leaves a relationship with me...". If you try to end the relationship, they react violently and give you the impression that you, your friends, or your family are in serious danger. People often then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear of harm to their family or their reputation. While such fears are unrealistic as "The Loser" is only interested in controlling you, those fears feel very real when combined with the other characteristics of "The Loser".

Psychotic or psychiatrically ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults. If you are recently divorced, separated, or recently ended another relationship, "The Loser" may be intimidating toward your ex-partner, fearing you might return if the other partner is not "scared off". Just remember - everything "The Loser" has ever done to anyone will be coming your way. "The Loser" may send you pictures of you, your children, or your family - pictures they have taken secretly - hinting that they can "reach out and touch" those you love. You may need help and legal action to separate from these individuals.

Guidelines for Detachment

Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection

"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."

- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!

- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

Summary

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.

If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser".

Joseph M Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio.

This was the first article I read concerning those that suffer from a personality disorder. Dr. Carver saved my sanity and allow me to search further into this understanding and acceptances of those who are emotional dead and really are losers and abusers. So thank you Dr. Carver for I will always be indebted to you! Hope to see more of your writings to help the victim to heal and began a new life but this time without their parasitic loser sucking the life out of them.

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

2009-07-30T21:55:00.002-05:00

Articles

These articles were written as client handouts. You may click on each article title for the full article.

Joseph M Carver, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist

Personality Disorders:
The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships
By
Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Who are these people? In romantic relationships they are controlling, abusive, manipulative partners who can ruin not only the relationship, but our self-esteem, finances, and reputation. As a parent, they can put the “D” in Dysfunctional Family and be the parent that abuses, neglects, ignores, or psychologically damages their children. As a friend they may be irresponsible, selfish, unreliable, dishonest, and often create significant problems in our life. As a neighbor, they spread rumors, create disharmony in the neighborhood, and steal our lawnmower. As a family member, they maintain themselves as the center of attention and keep the family in an uproar or they may be the 45 year/old brother who has never worked and remains dependent on the family for his support. They may be the brother or sister who verbally bullies and intimidates others with their temper tantrums. As a coworker they are manipulative, unethical, dishonest, and willing to damage co-workers to achieve their employment goals. On the street they are the criminals, con-artists, and people-users who purposefully damage others then quickly move on to avoid detection.

In over three decades of experience of dealing with victims, it’s clear that the majority of emotional victims I see in clinical practice are actually victims of an individual with a “Personality Disorder”. The “Personality Disorder” has been around for many years. For several centuries, professionals working with all types of people recognized that some individuals clearly thought and acted differently – without “normal” feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and interactions. In 1835 Dr. Pritchard suggested the term “moral insanity” to reflect the fact that these individuals were not insane by the standards of the day, yet had significant differences in their behavior, attitudes, ethics, morality, emotional expressions, and reactions to situations. Despite their significant differences when compared to others in their culture, the individual exhibited little emotional or social distress.

Personality Disorders are individuals who have a long history of personality, behavior, emotional, and relationship difficulties. This group is said to have a “personality disorder” – an enduring pattern of inner experience (mood, attitude, beliefs, values, etc.) and behavior (aggressiveness, instability, etc.) that is significantly different than those in their family or culture. These dysfunctional patterns are inflexible and intrusive into almost every aspect of the individual’s life. These patterns create significant problems in personal and emotional functioning and are often so severe that they lead to distress or impairment in all areas of their life. (Source: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition)

Personality Disorders are divided into three groups of “clusters”.

1) Cluster A personality disorders are individuals who have odd, eccentric behaviors. Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal Personalities fall into this cluster.

2) Cluster B are personalities that are highly dramatic, both emotionally and behaviorally. Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic Personality are in this group.

3) Cluster C are personalities characterized by being anxious and fearful. Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality fall into this cluster.

The Relationship Destroyers – Cluster B

In considering individuals who create the most damage to social and personal relationships, the abusers, manipulators, “players”, controllers, and losers are found in Cluster B. For this reason, this article will focus on the behaviors associated with Cluster B personality disorders.

In the general population, the largest number of personality disorders fall in the Cluster B group. The four personality disorders in Cluster B are:

1) Antisocial Personality - a pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others and rules of society. The Antisocial Personality ranges from individuals who are chronically irresponsible, unsupportive, con-artists to those who have total disregard for the rights of others and commit criminal acts with no remorse, including those involving the death of victims. In clinical practice, the Antisocial Personality has near-total selfishness and typically has a pattern of legal problems, lying and deception, physical assault and intimidation, no regard for the safety of others, unwillingness for meet normal standards for work/support/parenting, and no remorse.

2) Borderline Personality - a pervasive pattern of intense yet unstable relationships, mood, and self-perception. Impulse control is severely impaired. Common characteristics include panic fears of abandonment, unstable social relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive/self-damaging acts such as promiscuity/substance abuse/alcohol use, recurrent suicide thoughts/attempts, self-injury and self-mutilation, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate yet intense anger, and fleeting paranoia.

3) Histrionic Personality - a pervasive pattern of excessive emotional display and attention-seeking. Individuals with this personality are excessively dramatic and are often viewed by the public as the “Queen of drama” type of individual. They are often sexually seductive and highly manipulative in relationships.

4) Narcissistic Personality - a pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.

When encountering the victims of emotional and physical abuse, the Personality Disorder individual is already present in their lives as a mother, father, sibling, spouse, partner, or relative. The majority of clients with difficulties related to their childhood find a Personality Disorder as a parent. For many, they have found themselves in a romantic relationship or marriage with a Personality Disorder. Others discover they are working with a Personality Disorder as a co-worker, supervisor, or supervisee. A smaller group finds they are victims of the severe behavior of a Personality Disorder and have been assaulted, robbed, traumatized, or manipulated.

Personality Disorders are present in 10 to 15 percent of the adult population with Cluster B accounting for approximately 9 percent based on research. At such a high percentage, it’s important that we learn to identify these individuals in our lives. A failure to identify them may create significant risk. While most of our contact with a Personality Disorder may be brief, the more involved they are in our lives, the higher the risk of emotional, social, and other damage. For this reason, it’s helpful to identify some of the characteristics of a personality disorder.

Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders, each with their own pattern of behaviors, emotionality, and symptoms. However, in my observation, all Cluster B Personality Disorders have core personality features that serve as the foundation for their specific personality disorder. Some of those core personality features are:

1) Self-Centered: We often hear the phrase “It’s All About Me”. When making decisions, a healthy person weighs the needs and concerns of others as well as their own. A Personality Disorder weighs only their needs and concerns. A Personality Disorder may use money to feed their family for their own purpose. A brother with a Personality Disorder may intimidate an elderly parent for money or manipulate a legal situation to eliminate siblings from an inheritance. In most situations, if we are contacted by a Personality Disorder, the contact is for THEIR purpose, not ours.

2) Refusal to Accept Personal Responsibility for Their Behavior: Individuals with a Personality Disorder almost never accept personal responsibility for their behavior. They blame others, uses excuses, claim misunderstandings, and then depict themselves as the victim in the situation. Those that are physically abusive actually blame the victims of their abuse for the assault. Victims often hear “This is your fault! Why did you make me angry?” This aspect of a Personality Disorder is very damaging when the Personality Disorder is a parent. They blame the children for their abusive, neglectful, or dysfunctional behavior. Children are told they are responsible for the temper tantrums, alcohol/substance abuse, unemployment, poverty, unhappiness, etc. of their parent. During a divorce, a Personality Disorder parent often blames the children.

3) Self-Justification: Individuals with a Personality Disorder don’t think, reason, feel, and behave normally. However, they typically justify ALL of their behaviors. Their justification often comes from their view that they have been victims of society or others and are therefore justified in their manipulative, controlling, criminal or abusive behaviors. A common justification in criminals is to blame the victim for the crime as when hearing “It’s his fault (the victim) that he got shot. He should have given me the money faster.” Healthy adults find it impossible to reason with a Personality Disorder, finding their justifications impossible to understand.

4) Entitlement: Individuals with a Personality Disorder have a tremendous sense of entitlement, a sense that they deserve respect, money, fame, power, authority, attention, etc. Some feel they are entitled to be the center of attention and when that doesn’t happen, they are entitled to create a scene or uproar to gain that attention. Entitlement also creates a justification to punish others in the Personality Disorder. If you violate one of their rules or demands, they feel entitled to punish you in some way.

5) Shallow Emotions: Healthy people are always amazed and astonished that a person with a Personality Disorder can quickly detach from a partner, move on, and exhibit very little in the way of remorse or distress. A Personality Disorder can find another partner following a breakup, often within days. These same individuals can also quickly detach from their family and children. They can become angry with their parents and not contact them for years. A Personality Disorder can abandon their children while blaming the spouse/partner for their lack of support and interest. Their ability to behave in this manner is related to their “Shallow Emotions”. The best way to think of Shallow Emotions is to have a great $300.00 automobile (192 euros). You have a limited investment in the automobile and when it’s running great you have no complaints. You take the effort to maintain maintenance on the vehicle as long as the costs are low. If it develops costly mechanical difficulties, it’s cheaper to dispose of it and get another $300.00 automobile that will run well. Also, if you move a large distance, you leave it behind because it’s more costly to transport it. A Personality Disorder has shallow emotions and often views those around them as $300.00 autos. Their emotional investment in others is minimal. If their partner is too troublesome, they quickly move on. If parents criticize their behavior, they end their relationship with them…until they need something.

6) Situational Morality: A Personality Disorder takes pride in being able to “do what I gotta do” to have their demands/needs met. They have few personal or social boundaries and in the severe cases, do not feel bound by laws of the land and quickly engage in criminal activity if needed. The motto of a Personality Disorder is “the end justifies the means”. Situational morality creates rather extreme behaviors and many Personality Disorders have no hesitation to harm themselves or others to meet their needs. Activities often seen as manipulative are tools of the trade for a Personality Disorder and include lying, dishonesty, conning behavior, intimidation, scheming, and acting. Many Personality Disorders are “social chameleons” and after evaluating a potential victim/partner, alter their presentation to be the most effective. Severe Personality Disorders have no hesitation about self-injury and will cut themselves, overdose, threaten suicide, or otherwise injure themselves with the goal of retaining their partner using guilt and obligation.

7) Narcissism and Ineffective Lives: A Personality Disorder has a strong influence on the life and lifestyle of the individual. Cluster B personality disorders often have two lives – their “real life” and the imaginary life they present to others that is full of excuses, half-truths, deceptions, cons, lies, fantasies, and stories prepared for a specific purpose. Physical abusers who were forcibly and legal removed from their children and spouse develop a story that the in-laws conspired with the police to separate them from the children they love so deeply. Jail time is often reinterpreted as “I took the blame for my friend so he could continue to work and support his family”. A major finding in a Personality Disorder is an ineffective life – reports of tremendous talent and potential but very little in the way of social or occupational success. It’s a life of excuses and deceptions. Narcissistic and Antisocial “losers” often promise romantic cruises that never take place or have a reason that their partner needs to place an automobile in his/her name. Their lives are often accompanied by financial irresponsibility, chronic unemployment, legal difficulties, and unstable living situations in the community. Their behavior often emotionally exhausts those around them – something the Personality Disorder explains with “My family and I have had a falling out.” We can be assured that no matter what “real life” situation is present in the life of the Personality Disorder, there will be a justification and excuse for it.

8) Social Disruption: There is never a calm, peaceful, and stable relationship with a Cluster B Personality Disorder! Their need to be the center of attention and control those around them assures a near-constant state of drama, turmoil, discord, and distress. An individual with a Personality Disorder creates drama and turmoil in almost every social situation. Holidays, family reunions, outings in the community, travel, and even grocery shopping are often turned into a social nightmare. The Personality Disorder also creates disruption in their family system. They are the focus of feuds, grudges, bad feelings, jealousy, and turmoil. If you have a member of your family that you hate to see arrive at a family reunion or holiday dinner – he or she probably has a Personality Disorder.

9) Manipulation As A Way of Life: To obtain our daily personal, social, and emotional needs a healthy individual has a variety of strategies to use including taking personal action, politely asking someone, making deals, being honest, etc. Healthy individuals also use manipulation as one of many social skills – buying someone a gift to cheer them up, making comments and giving hints that something in desired, etc. For the Personality Disorder, despite the many social strategies available, manipulation is their preferred method of obtaining their wants and needs. The manipulations of a Personality Disorder - when combined with shallow emotions, entitlement, and being self-centered – can be extreme. To obtain their goals, an Antisocial Personality may physically threaten, harass, intimidate, and assault those around them. Histrionic Personalities may create dramatic situations, threaten self-harm, or create social embarrassment. Narcissistic Personalities may send police and an ambulance to your home if you don’t answer their phone calls, using the excuse that they were concerned about you. Their real goal is to assure you that their phone calls MUST be answered or you will pay the consequences. Borderline Personalities may self-injure in your physical presence. In a relationship with a Personality Disorder we are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda…their agenda.

10) The Talk and Behavior Gap: We know how people are by two samples of their personality – their talk and their behavior. A person who is honest has talk/conversation/promises that match their behavior almost 100%. If he/she borrows money and tells you they will repay you Friday, and then pays you Friday, you have an honest person. When we observe these matches frequently, then we can give more trust to that individual in the future. The wider the gap between what a person says/promises and what they do – the more they are considered dishonest, unreliable, irresponsible, etc. Due to the shallow emotions and situational morality often found in a Personality Disorder, the gap between talk and behavior can be very wide. A Personality Disorder can often assure their spouse that they love them while having an extramarital affair, borrow money with no intention of paying it back, promise anything with no intention of fulfilling that promise, and assure you of their friendship while spreading nasty rumors about you. A rule: Judge a person by their behavior more than their talk or promises.

11) Dysfunctional Parents: Individuals with a Personality Disorder are frequently parents. However, they are frequently dysfunctional parents. Personality Disorder parents often see their children as a burden to their personal goals, are often jealous of the attention their children receive, often feel competitive with their older children, and often attempt to obtain their personal goals through their children. Personality Disorder parents control their children through manipulation with little concern for how their parenting behavior will later influence the lives or the personality of the child. Personality Disorder parents are often hypercritical, leaving the child with the feeling that they are incompetent or unworthy. In extreme cases, Antisocial parents criminally neglect, abuse, or exploit their children – often teaching them to become criminals. Criminal parents often use their children to steal or carry drugs to avoid criminal charges as an adult, allowing the children to face the legal charges. Spouses with a Personality Disorder are often jealous of the attention their partner provides to children in the home, frequently targeting the child for verbal abuse in their jealousy. The narcissism and shallow emotions in a Personality Disorder parent leave the children feeling unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and unappreciated.

Unconscious or Calculated Behavior?

When we look at the emotions, attitudes and behaviors of an individual with a Personality Disorder we eventually begin to question: Are these characteristics calculated and purposeful or are they unconscious behaviors that are not under their control? In working with Personality Disorders, we see both. For example:

1) Attitudes: The majority of the attitudes we seen in Personality Disorders are very long-standing and have been present since their teen years. Blaming others is a classic personality disorder feature and after believing this for many years, people with a Personality Disorder may not truly feel they are responsible for their behavior – even their criminal behavior. They have rethought, reworked, and excused their behaviors to the point that they fail to see that they are the common denominator in all their difficulties. Convicted criminals, with crimes ranging from auto theft to homicide, all have a similar attitude – “Incarceration is unfair”. They don’t factor victims into their crimes in any way. For this reason, those with a Personality Disorder have very little understanding and insight into their attitudes that ruin relationships. Victims will assure you that trying to explain a normal, healthy position to an individual with a Personality Disorder is almost impossible.

2) Impaired Relationships: In a Personality Disorder, over many years the individual develops impaired ways of relating to others. These impaired ways of relating eventually become their only way of relating to others. Beginning in their childhood, as an adult they now only know how to relate to others with intimidation, threat, anger, manipulation, and dishonesty. This defective social style continues, even when those around them are socially skilled, concerned, accepting, and loving.

3) Situational Behavior: Justifying their behavior with these long-standing attitudes, individuals with a Personality Disorder can be very calculated, purposeful, and manipulative in their behavior toward others. Their decision making, coping strategies, and manipulations are often well-planned to meet their agenda. Financially, many will purposefully legally obligate you to pay for their debts. They may steal money from you, justifying that behavior with “I cut the grass for three years – I deserve it.” It is this combination of long-standing attitudes and calculated behavior that makes a Personality Disorder dangerous in any interpersonal relationship.

What Does This Mean For The Victims?

In a relationship with a Personality Disorder, several basic truths are present: These include:

1. The victim in a relationship with a Personality Disorder did not create the Personality Disorder. Many Personality Disorders blame the victim for their assaults, lies, bad behavior, deceptions, intimidations, etc. In truth, the Personality Disorder has those behaviors if the victim is present or absent. Victims don’t cause themselves to be assaulted – they are involved with an abusive and assaultive individual.

2. Changing the behavior of the victim does not change the behavior of the Personality Disorder. Many victims become superstitious and feel that they can control the behavior of the Personality Disorder in their life by changing their behavior. This is often a temporary fix, meaning only that you are now meeting the demands of the Personality Disorder. When the Personality Disorder feels justified, they return to their behavior with no concern for changes in the behavior of the victim. Loving sharks doesn’t protect us if we find ourselves dripping blood in a shark tank.

3. A Personality Disorder is a permanent, long-standing pattern. Time doesn’t change these personalities. If your mother or father had a personality disorder in your childhood, returning home after twenty years will find their old behavior alive and well.

4. Marrying, having a baby with, moving in with, etc. actually makes their dysfunctional behavior worse. The presence of stress exaggerates and amplifies our normal personality characteristics. Mentally healthy yet shy individuals become shyer under stress. The stress of additional responsibilities actually increases the bad behavior of a Personality Disorder.

5. When involved in any manner with a Personality Disorder – as their partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, etc. – we must not only recognize their behaviors but develop a strategy to protect ourselves. Many of our strategies must focus on protecting our emotional stability, our finances, and our other relationships. As a parent, if our adult son or daughter has a Personality Disorder, we must protect ourselves from their behaviors that might jeopardize our lifestyle and life. As the child of a parent with a Personality Disorder, we must often protect our immediate family and children from the bad behavior of our parent. It’s important to remember that with a Personality Disorder – THEIR survival and well-being is their priority – not the health or well-being of those around them.

Summary

As we go through life, we encounter a variety of individuals. We also develop a variety of relationships with others including family members, neighbors, fellow workers, friends, and familiar faces. Healthy relationships seem to be healthy in the same way – having characteristics of respect, concern for others, affection, cooperation, honesty, mutual goals, etc. A relationship with a Personality Disorder is totally different. That 9 or 10 percent of adults with a “Cluster B” Personality Disorder can create significant difficulties in our life. In brief contacts they are often troublesome - the uncle who is a con artist or the sister-in-law that nobody can tolerate at holiday dinners. When we bring them into our lives however, a Personality Disorder rapidly takes over and our life becomes centered on their needs, demands, and goals. To achieve their self-centered objectives, the Personality Disorder becomes the controller, abuser, manipulator and user in relationships. The early identification of individuals who create unhealthy relationships can save us from years of heartache as well as damage to our personality, self-esteem, finances, and lifestyle.

Specific techniques used by individuals with a Cluster B Personality Disorder can be found in another article entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships”. I have also addressed the issues associated with remaining in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship in an article entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”. Both articles are available on my website at www.drjoecarver.com or at www.counsellingresource.com

Joseph M Carver, Ph.D.
Psychologist

http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm
http://www.drjoecarver.com/

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

2009-07-18T13:53:00.007-05:00

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

by: Dr. Maria Hsia Chang, Professor, Political Science, University of Nevada, Reno

In psychology, personality disorders refer to individual traits that reflect ingrained,
inflexible, and maladaptive patterns of behavior that cause discomfort and impair a
person’s ability to function--including her relations with friends and family. At least ten distinct personality disorders have been identified, one of which is the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) that the American Psychological Association (APA) classifies as a “cluster B” disorder. NPD is a highly complex psychological-behavioral syndrome that confounds and baffles those close to the afflicted. Once understood, however, one achieves clarity of vision. Socio-biologists maintain that narcissism is natural for both individuals and groups because self-love is an instinctive, natural-selection trait. That is why all children are narcissists. As individuals mature into adulthood, however, they become less narcissistic because their insecurity tends to diminish as a result of concrete achievements and successes. A certain degree of healthy self-love nevertheless continues into adulthood. It is when narcissism in adults is excessive that psychologists consider it to be a sign of immaturity or worse, a pathology--that of narcissistic personality disorder.

Although the phenomenon of excessive narcissism is as old as humanity, the formal
diagnosis of NPD was made by the APA only as recently as 1990. The following list of traits comes from the APA’s Diagnostic Statistical Manual IV:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 or more of the following:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

• Believes that she is “special” & unique & can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.

• Requires excessive admiration.

• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with her expectations.

• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve her own ends.

• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings & needs of others.

• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of her.

• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

In addition to the above, I’ve compiled the following, after having read, assimilated, and synthesized a great deal of the literature on this subject. Instead of the typical approach taken by the psychological literature on NPD--which describes the disorder as a syndrome of various attributes--what I attempt to do here is to uncover the central logic that accounts for the syndrome. In the following description of the NPD syndrome, I use the pronoun “she” to refer to the narcissist, for the sake of avoiding the cumbersome “he/she” and “ his/her.” The psychological literature, however, claims that male NPDs outnumber females. The literature also claims that the incidence of NPD is relatively rare, afflicting an estimated 1% of the population. Both of these claims, however, are not verified by my own personal experiences. The problem, as the psychological literature itself admits, is that the very nature of NPD prevents narcissists from admitting they have a problem and to seek professional help. As psychiatrist M. Scott Peck explains: “To receive treatment one must want it, at least on some level. And to want it one must consider oneself to be in need of it. One must, at least on some level, acknowledge his or her imperfection.”i

The few narcissists who do seek therapy, do so when their narcissism has led to a major life crisis, such as divorce, drug addiction, unemployment, and imprisonment. Even when NPDs seek counseling, they typically do not complete the course of psychotherapy. Instead, when the therapist confronts them with their pathological narcissism, the NPD would simply abandon treatment and flee. Given this, I have every reason to conclude that the statistics claimed in the literature are suspect. The simple truth, I believe, is that psychologists don’t really know how many NPDs there are in the population, nor do they really know that male NPDs outnumber females.

The NPD Syndrome

At the core of the NPD syndrome is the construction of a false self as a way to cope with the external world by compensating for the individual’s feelings of insecurity and uncertainty of identity.. Like its namesake, the mythic Narcissus who is in love with his reflection in water, the self that the narcissist loves is not her real self, but a false self that is grandiose, perfect, and superior. The particular basis of the grandiosity is what the narcissist loves herself for. That varies according to the individual, and may be physical beauty, intellect, talent, power, etc. As a consequence, psychologists divide narcissists into two types: the somatic and the cerebral. The former are those whose narcissism is focused on their bodies; the latter are those who have a grandiose conception that they have a superior intellect. I would add a third type: the spiritual narcissist. These are those who ooze with false piety, having a false conception of themselves as supremely virtuous. Regardless of the particular basis of grandiosity, the narcissist strives to maintain and protect that false self at all costs. In effect, the grandiose false self acts like the enter of a wheel, to which are affixed the spokes. The latter are the syndromatic attributes of NPD, which function to protect and maintain the grandiose false self. The constellation of attributes is not accidental because there is a functional reason for the various attributes. This is the underlying logic that accounts for the syndrome. Together with the APA’s DSM IV criteria, those “spokes” may constitute a particularly malignant form of narcissism. They include the following attributes:

• Using people—even supposed loved ones—as tools of self-aggrandisement to affirm and maintain the false self. The narcissist is hollow inside and derives her sense-of self from seeing her reflection in the eyes of others. The psychological literature calls this “mirroring”: the narcissist mainly uses other people as a mirror to reflect her grandiose self-conception. Like a vampire who must feed on others’ blood in order to live, the narcissist feeds on other people’s love, approval, admiration, and compliments. Once the source is sucked dry, the narcissist no longer has use of that person and will abruptly and mercilessly cast him/her aside.

• To lure people into her web, the successful narcissist puts on an attractive social mask. She can be charming, gracious, socially adept, even obsequious. She must also be a consummate actor, skilled at simulating the whole range of human emotions, especially those of love, compassion, and kindness. The more successful she is at simulation, the greater her circle of friends and acquaintances who function as her primary and secondary feeding sources.

• More than to lure people into her web, the narcissist’s charming social mask also conceals the false self from scrutiny. Concealment requires secrecy, evasion, dishonesty, and lying. In effect, the narcissist is a consummate pathological liar, i.e., she habitually lies, even about seemingly trivial, inconsequential matters.

• Using other people as her “bloodbank” requires that the narcissist be a human emotional radar. The successful narcissist is psychologically astute and shrewd so that she can “size up” everyone she encounters for their potential to be her blooddonor.

• Cynically using other people also requires that the narcissist be lacking in empathy.

Do not be fooled by her simulations at empathy. A good experiment is for you to withhold your approval and compliments. You will discover that, overnight, the narcissist has lost her kindness and even simple civility.

• The maintenance and protection of the false self also requires the narcissist to be constantly vigilant against being “attacked” by others. This is why the narcissist overreacts with rage and humiliation to any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or trivial the perceived criticism.

• As the saying goes, “the best defense is offense.” More than reacting with rage to criticisms, the narcissist attacks the critic. This is called scapegoating--projecting one’s own faults (what Carl Jung called our “shadow”) onto another person, and blaming the other for the narcissist’s own inadequacies. The narcissist is very skilled at this.

• The false self must be impervious, which requires the narcissist to resist self examination and introspection. Doing so would open the narcissist to reality-based assessment--a dangerous undertaking because the false self is, by definition, unreal. As a consequence, instead of the insecurities of normal human beings, the narcissist exhibits an impassive and uncritical acceptance of herself.

• The inability or unwillingness to be introspective, in turn, results in cognitive dissonance, cognitive gaps, and non sequiturs. Trying to engage a narcissist in serious dialogue--especially about herself or her beliefs and values--can be a disconcerting experience because nothing she says makes sense.

• Since the false self is superior and grandiose, it needs no one. The narcissist dreads becoming dependent on others, but asserts and clings to an exaggerated independence. Since her love of herself is all-consuming, she is incapable of love and emotional commitments to other people. This is why the narcissist reacts to sincere declarations of love (verbal or in the form of behavior, such as significant gifts) by emotionally distancing herself and, in some cases, outright abandonment--because she is unable to reciprocate that commitment.

• In effect, the narcissist’s grandiose self-conception makes her a god unto herself. Gods are not subject to the morality that governs lesser beings--“rules don’t apply to me.” The narcissist refuses to subscribe to society’s moral rules and ethical standards. Instead, morality is subjective: “Nobody can judge me.” One NPD I know exhibited this trait when she blithely received the Holy Eucharist (believed by Catholics to be the actual body of Christ) in Mass--although she is not Catholic! Another NPD, a former student of mine, responded with rage to my critique of his essay-exam, which garnered a respectable “B” grade, insisting that he was not subject to the grammatical rules of the English language.

• Lacking an abstract universal system of moral codes--and being cognitively impaired-the narcissist lives in a world of feelings and sensations: “What’s good is that which makes me feel good.” Narcissists tend to wallow in cheap “feel good” sentiments.

• Since the false self is grandiose and perfect, relationship problems are never the fault of the narcissist. She blames everyone, but herself.

• This also means that narcissists do not ever apologize or admit that they are wrong or at fault. Instead, they will always subtly, if not blatantly, turn things around to blame you.

• All of this means that narcissists do not, as a rule, seek therapy. In the few cases that do, it is because their problems have become so serious that they cannot be ignored (e.g., divorce, drug abuse, job loss, imprisonment). Even then, the narcissist resists therapy and is likely to blame the therapist (scapegoating!) and flee from treatment.

How to Deal With a Narcissist

• The first rule is: Give up on your fantasy that you have an authentic relationship with the narcissist. Sadly, the person you think you love/like never existed.

• The second rule is: Don’t be a bloodbank for the narcissist.

• The third rule is: Be emotionally detached.

• The fourth rule is: If you must interact with her, challenge the narcissist’s false conceptions of herself by insisting on reality-based assessment. Doing so, however, is guaranteed to alienate you from the narcissist--which is a good thing because the narcissist is incapable of genuine friendship and love. In the last analysis, you are better off without the narcissist.

• If, unfortunately, you must have her in your life because your survival depends on her, as in the case of a child needing the narcissistic mother’s care, the way to get along with her is to feed her fantasies by lavishing compliments on her, i.e., by letting yourself be her bloodbank.

Why Pathological Narcissism is a Spiritual Disorder

A fifth-century theologian who called himself Dionysius the Aereopagite once wrote in The Divine Names that, “The denial of the true Self is a declension from Truth.”ii In the last analysis, in constructing and clinging to their false selves, the entire persona of the NPD is a big lie. That being so, I have come to believe that NPD is not a psychological disorder at all, but a moral and spiritual disorder. Allow me to explain.

An intrinsic attribute of the NPD syndrome is deception--of oneself and of others--in the service of maintaining the grandiose false self. Philosopher René Descartes wrote that “willful deception evinces maliciousness and weakness.”iii A person does not deceive without thinking about and willing it. One does not lie unless one intends to hide the truth, which means that one knows that one is being deceptive. Nor can the NPD put together and maintain the elaborate and intricate NPD syndrome of attributes (e.g., using others for self-aggrandisement, attractive social mask, secrecy, evasion, lying, scapegoating, etc.) without conscious effort. Psychologists say that, in their quiet moments, NPDs know that they are not really as grandiose as they pretend.iv When NPDs cynically use others to “feed” their false self, they know it. When they overreact to perceived criticisms, they know what the truth is. When they lie to conceal their inadequacies, they have chosen to deceive. When they scapegoat others, they do so with deliberation. And when they refuse to apologize, they know they are in the wrong. All of which means that free will is fully engaged in this so-called “disorder.” In effect, the NPD is more than a mental sickness. Pathological narcissism is not some noxious virus or bacteria that overtakes a person. Whatever the early childhood experiences, free will is still operative here. Rather, NPD is a moral disorder, because it is immoral to lie and to use, exploit, blame, and hurt others. More than immoral, NPD is, at its foundation, a spiritual blight. Since the false self of the narcissist is extremely grandiose, she excludes herself from the moral norms that govern “lesser” beings: “rules don’t apply to me.” That makes NPDs their own gods. In so doing, they are in denial of the fundamentally flawed nature of all human beings. The malignant narcissist is more than immoral, she is evil. In his book, People of the Lie, Peck proposed to the psychological profession a new diagnostic category of the “evil personality disorder” (EPD) as a sub-type of NPD. As he put it, “The evil are ‘the people of the lie,’ deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception.” And when the narcissist intentionally hurts another, she has crossed the line from being an NPD to being an EPD. In Peck’s words, “evil individuals will flee self-examination and guilt by blaming and attempting to destroy whatever or whoever highlights their deficiencies.”v

Except for atheists (who must be very grandiose because they claim to know a negative, i.e., that God does not exist),vi all of us--the religious as well as agnostics--believe in the existence of some supreme moral being or force in the universe. Recognizing that, most of us harken to these words of Descartes: “I have been so constituted as to be some kind of middle ground between God and nothing . . . . [A]s I am not the supreme being, I lack quite a few things.”vii Dionysius the Areopagite concluded that being self-centered is “inherently wrong” because we have “no right to be the centre of things” as only God is the rightful center of all things.viii

Not only is vanity and pride the first of the Seven Deadly Sins, I believe that narcissism is the root of all evil. Decrying the ills that he saw rampant in modern society--the relativization of all moral norms and the reduction of life to the immediate pursuit of material gain without regard to its general consequences--VaÇlav Havel observed that “Given its fatal incorrigibility, humanity will have to go through many more Rwandas and Chernobyls before it understands how unbelievably short-sighted a human being can be who has forgotten that he is not God.” It is the misdiagnosis of pathological narcissism as a “personality disorder” instead of a moral-spiritual condition which accounts for psychiatrists’ characterization of it as “one of the most . . . difficult-to-treat conditions in the lexicon of mental illness.”ix

Copyright® 2002. Last updated: January 3, 2004.

Bonds of Love

2009-07-12T23:18:00.008-05:00

Love itself is a form of “transformation” or that which brings one to a more spiritual and emotional state then any other type of emotion in us. Love is a part of who we are and also what we are capable of. It is love itself that represents parts of a whole. What I mean is that love is past present and future all wrapped up in all of us which is what allows us the ability to love and be loved. If one doesn’t understand love and accept our personal love for ourselves and others then how can one love another? Love always starts with you are an individual but it also ends with you. A child is born unknowing of love but is taught the art of love thought it’s caretaker. It started with the caretaker (past) then given to Child (present) and then returns to both caretaker and child (future) in time. That which started with one begets two but can be then three four etc. Love itself is enduringly and if it’s true healthy love it’s forever in a state of expansion and growth. How can anyone who has true love not be transformed or in some way brought to a higher level of consciousness?

Mother and Child

By: James Phillips

A mother’s love should be so deep and long lasting
A bond given by birth one a child the other a mother to this child
Two who shared the same flesh and the same heart beat for awhile
A child given by God to love and nourish with needs to meet
This is how all mothers start out to be for any child

But sometimes a mother so lost to herself and child
Finds herself not wanting this precious child
Defining this child to be what she needs
Destroying both child and this mother who
Could never meet the child's needs or desirers

So this mother trades this child for another love
Then forget this one so precious and dear this child should be
So that the child grows apart from her and her needs
Learning that this mother’s love was only for her self
and never for this precious child

Both God and child will leave this one to be
In a place so deep and cold this mother shall be
Place there by her hand and her own desirers
Who forsaken a child so precious and dear
For now this child will forget her
But not just the child today’s
Nay but for all the child’s tomorrows

Now this mother will spend all her ending days
Believing someday both child and mother again will be
Together and bonded as they were once before
But alas now she lies only to herself and not the child

For you see that child now has completed their own
autonomy and knows who this person really is
and that she was never that mother she pretended to be
Nor shall she ever be for all eternality

Lost to not only God and child but herself as
well she will need to pay that price for all her denials
For not just her today's Nay for all her tomorrow's
There she lives in pain and denial for all her yesterdays
Regrets for all her lies and denials to her self and her lost child

**************************************************************************************
A child, after all, is the ultimate Source of Narcissistic Supply. It is unconditionally adoring, worshipping and submissive. But it is also a demanding thing and it tends to divert attention from the narcissist. A child takes too much of everything that the adults around him have to offer: time, energy, emotions, resources, attention. The narcissistic can easily be converted to the view that a child is a menace, a nuisance, utterly unnecessary.

This makes for a very shaky foundation of marital life. The narcissist does not need or seek companionship or friendship. He/She does not mix sex and emotions. He/She finds it hard to make love to someone that he/she loves. He/She ultimately abhors their children and tries to limit and confine them to the role of Narcissistic Supply Sources. He/she is a bad friend, lover and father/mother. He/She is likely to divorce many times (if he/she ever gets married) and to end up in a series of monogamous relationships.

2009-07-11T16:20:00.002-05:00

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, and so on.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

http://dslweb.nwnexus.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY

2009-07-05T18:25:00.002-05:00

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY

By Caroline Konrad

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.

If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately! :

Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened. Don't be ashamed. Tell.

Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.

Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/

2009-06-26T16:17:00.002-05:00

Narcissistic for a Day
By James A. Phillips

I woke one day, in a terrible way
Short with my children and not caring for their needs in anyway
Not talking with my wife, oh what a pig she is
She is always that way
Not seeing how special I am in every way

Getting ready for work, thinking how they don’t see me, oh the
wonderful me! Why, should I care about them in any oh way!

Going to work, I saw people who are fools
Just like tools that I can use and use
Not seeing how special and great I am and will always be
These objects are just for my fun and wants for whatever I need.

At work, I talked with Andy, oh what a fool he can be
taken my position that was promise to me
Why can’t Andy see, that it was meant for me
I’m so special, not like Andy can ever be

I came home oh, what a horrible day for me
Why can’t they see the wonderful me
I cussed at my children, so selfish they can be
My wife I told her I don’t need you and don’t
want you with me
You are just a pig, not special like me

The room got dark and numbest surrounded me
No feeling of love or caring for me
No one would talk or look at me
Oh, dear God what is happening to me

Awoke in a sweat wanting someone to hold me
Oh, what a horrible dream that happen to me
A Nightmare no no not a dream at all
A Nightmare it had to be!

How horrible it must be
To be a narcissistic being in every way and everyday
Oh no that’s not for me in any oh way

No, I love my children who are so
Special to me in their own special way
My wife so sweet and so kind to my children and me
Loving and special to us in all and each one in their own way
Oh no dear Lord, that’s not for me in any oh way
A narcissistic person I can never be not even for a day

I smell Gas!

2009-06-23T22:23:00.014-05:00

I think I smell gas?

Gaslighting - A Little Known Form of Abuse: Written by Sierra Koester

“Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or brainwashing where one individual attempts to get another individual to believe she is "crazy". This is most often done through the denial of facts, events, or what one did or did not say. The gaslighter might also directly or indirectly imply that the individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a mental illness.”

I believe Dorothy Chambers is able to help us in understanding how gaslighting is used and her attempts to gaslight me. I also believe how she recruited her new boyfriend to help in this and possibility others in her attempts in gaslighting.

-Personal Journal Part 1- Special note to self

[Some time in April 2006 when I got my cell phone turn back on I started receiving strange calls from unknown people. Example, Some man called and said that Tracfone (the carrier I use) mess up his order and gave me his cell number (I know now that this would never happen, phone numbers are given when you activate your cell phone and then add minutes to you prepaid phone and after not using the cell for a long time.) he requested that any calls I received to give them his new cell number. I informed him I wouldn’t be able to do that, and hung up. On Mother’s day. Some women called my cell phone claiming to be my mother, calling me by a different name. I informed the women that I wasn’t her son and hung up. Dorothy was here and said *“see you keep getting calls all the time” as too imply that it was my girlfriend or someone I knew. The Strange cell phone calls stop when Dorothy left me on 5/22/2006. So that I come to believe that Dorothy for some reason, gave her boyfriend (Paul Worman) my cell number. Why she would do this is totally unknown to me. I know I can’t prove this but the coincidence is to great to ignore. Dorothy Chambers is now trying to get me to give her my new home phone number. I talked with my son Joshua about this and he replied no way! I agree with Joshua’s decision. Giving Dorothy our phone number would not be in our best interest right now.]

An attempt to Gaslight?

Like it states in the journal this started around April 2006 a few months before Dorothy Chambers inform her children and I on May 22, 2006 that she was leaving to live with her parents which we all know now was a lie. That in fact she left the state of Illinois and moved in with her boyfriend in Wisconsin something in fact she herself informed my *sister during one cell conversation with my sister during an event to return yet more of her property.

Having this dude call me out of the blue and then trying to con me into relating his calls to him and that I would “soon” be receiving calls on my cell that was meant for him because our cell phone numbers were somehow messed up and how the carrier messed up this account as when giving him my cell number instead of issuing a new cell number for his “new” account. The question I asked myself at the time was is “why this fool was calling me when he should in fact be addressing his account problems with the cell phone carrier and not a perfect stranger? Really it never made any sense then and it still makes no sense today.

The only coincidence we had was we both had the same cell phone carrier as stated by the caller.

One note to readers is that this happen before she “went to a hair show with her sister and her mother" on Mother’s day. I did call the phone carrier and the technical department informed me that something like this could never happen because of the way the system is set up whenever a new account becomes active. In short the caller lied.

I believe this dude was setting me up for whatever reason and in fact I did start to receive some “unknown” cell calls but would just ignore them and not answer. I believe this “gaslighting” was to keep tags on me remotely so that if I did receive a cell call for whatever reason this fool thought I would be stupid enough to call him and let him know what callers wanted and rely the message back to him. Gaslighting is attempting to keep someone off balance both emotionally and psychologically. This phone tag would do just that but it didn’t work. The fool might have thought he knew me but really didn’t, thinking I would be so shortsighted and foolish enough to fall for such a simply con. Now there is really no way to prove it but it is my opinion that the caller was in fact Paul Worman.

I believe for whatever reason this was an attempt to gaslight me by Paul Worman and Dorothy herself.. Dorothy knew I never had in the past received a lot of cell phone calls. That in fact I had most people I knew to call my land line phone number when I was home or leave a message if I was at work. My cell was for family business and emergency purposes only. Dorothy Chamber knew this.

Dorothy also knew I never answered any unknown cell calls ever and plus my employer discourage cell usage during business hours so my cell was on vibrate only and still unless Dorothy called me (which she use to do a lot, understanding now how she was checking up on me) on my cell at work I receive very little cell phone calls other then these calls she made herself. This can be done easily enough by checking my cell for all recent inbound calls.

Yet as stated by Dorothy Chamber *“see you keep getting calls all the time” implies that I did in fact received numerous calls on my cell and it was *“all the time“. What is also very interesting is that when she made this statement about receiving “numerous calls on my cell” this happen after she return back home very late on Mother’s day after going to some kind of “hair show”. Which was just another lie told to my children and I. That I believe she went to Wisconsin and spend the night there with her boyfriend Paul Worman.

I believe Dorothy Chambers had someone (female) call me around that time because I would received this call when she was there and I believe she wanted to be there when I received this call. Really, for me it’s too much of a coincidences to be a coincidences. Like it states “gaslighting” is an attempt to keep someone off balance both emotionally and psychologically.

Another coincidence is how after Dorothy Chamber left all these “strange” calls stopped.

*([Journal part 2] Dorothy stated: “I live in Wisconsin now and can’t keep coming back to Illinois” (Judy later told me that she could hear voices in the background telling her not to tell her about Wisconsin). Judy replied back “you live in Wisconsin?”. Dorothy confirmed that.

This happen while both of us were in the process of returning yet more of her property.

Let’s use another example of gaslighting that Dorothy Chambers tried to use on me. Again to be clear on facts I will use my journal to illustrate how she tried in her attempts to gaslight me:

Gaslighting:

-Personal Journal Part 2-

06-05-06

[Dorothy again talked about her property again. I told her I would return it when we got together on Saturday. Ask her if she wanted anything else she didn’t reply, so I then just hung up the phone!]

06-09-06

(Dorothy called back on Friday.)

[Dorothy called back on Friday. I informed her that the therapist thought the children meeting her so soon after her leaving would not be a good ideal (this was a lie, I just needed more time on custody research and the children didn‘t want to see her) she then stated that I was lying (this time she was right, can’t be wrong all the time) and demanded the phone number for the therapist. I told her it was Aunt’s Martha’s Youth Service and gave her the number. Dorothy then demanded her property that day. I told her that wasn’t part of our agreement, that the reason I asked her to call back on Friday was give her the information as to were we would meet and return property on Saturday. I had prearranged with Judy that she would come to my home after work on Friday to pick what was here (some boxes were in Judy’s home and some it was here in Elgin) and then to spend the night at her place and then I would do all this on Saturday. Dorothy at the time didn’t know about my arrangements with Judy. Dorothy again stated that I (1)“was changing things” and accused me of (2)“lying“. And stated that I said she would get her property on Friday which I never did.]

Now when we talked on June 5th we both agree that she would be able to receive more of her property on Saturday June 10th of that week. That I wanted her to call me on Friday just to confirm the pickup on Saturday and time. Dorothy tried to make me believe that in fact I didn’t say that and was (1)“changing things” and even told me flat out that I was in fact (2)“lying to her“. She tried to convince me of her “reality” and dismissed my recall of the prearranged agreement made on June 5th.

Now Dorothy Chambers didn’t have any knowledge of my personal journal so she didn’t know I was keeping track of our conversations with time and date stamps on them. So Dorothy Chamber thought she could just “gaslight” me into believing I did in fact tell her she could get her property on Friday not Saturday as previously agreed.

Another thing Dorothy Chambers had no knowledge of is that I prearranged with my sister to meet me on Friday so that we could get what property was at my home and bring it to her house where the rest of Dorothy Chamber's property were at, in fact it was sitting in my sisters’ garage and that we would return her property on Saturday June 10th. Another thing Dorothy Chambers also didn’t know was that the children and I was planning on spending the weekend at my sister’s home for a family visit.

None of these facts Dorothy Chambers had knowledge of so again her attempts at gaslighting me failed. Dorothy Chambers did in fact receive her property on Friday not Saturday so in this she was successful. One other point is how what she wanted was more important to her and had no empathy that her request by rushing the pickup might be a burden on her family including my sister.

What really surprised me is how later I was told by her how they never left the state of Illinois but instead **stay overnight in a hotel. This show me how Dorothy Chambers tried to gaslight me for they could have just as easily had done all this on Saturday as we agree to in the first place.

Because Dorothy Chambers had no knowledge of this journal at the time and also what she didn’t know was that both my sister and I could just review the journal and confirm what was stated and agree on. Which is something we both did later. We both soon discovered that Dorothy Chamber is in fact a pathological liar and we couldn't trust anything she told us.

**[Personal Journal part 3 06-15-06:] Dorothy stated that after boyfriend and her pick up the property from SHPD, they went to a hotel and spent the night there. Question to self, if they stayed in Illinois overnight, what would have been the problem to pick up her property on Saturday? God, how I hate this shit!

Also to note for readers that if you feel you are being targeted and abused with these gaslighting tactics I recommend keeping a personal diary or journal yourself which can help you keep track of facts, events, or what one did or did not say when dealing with the gaslighter. Also to note that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or an attempt to brainwash a person.

"Narcissists 'gaslight' routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, oversensitive and hysterical. Once he's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, he'll tell others about them, as always, presenting his smears as expressions of concern and declaring his own helpless victim hood."

Links: http://www.lisaescott.com/my-first-interview-vain-encounters-la#comment-5391
http://www.faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=60924
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/7324580-abuse-definitions

It’s a brain thing

2009-06-21T09:11:00.003-05:00

Remember whenever we are discussing PD (Personality Disorder) we need to understand how those who suffer from this disorder is processing information and emotions differently. Let's allow Dr. Hare to explain this when discussing an MRI/SPECT taken of an ASPD (Anti-social Personality Disorder) compared to a normal subject brain and how these two subjects brains are processing and using information received to that subject's brain.

Personality Traits: NPD

2009-06-14T12:53:00.014-05:00

Personality Traits:

Dorothy Chambers is a person in my opinion who suffers from some type of personality disorder. She was court ordered to be tested by a psychologist when she went through a custody case for her two other children with Joe Guth back in November 3rd, 1989. She lost custody of both her children and was granted only "supervised" visitation rights. She was also ordered to pay child support maintain full time employment for insurance reasons and have a life insurance policy in place for these two children. None of this she did and in the end didn't maintain a relationship with these two children. But as for her "next" family things really haven't improved much for her.

Having spend 17 years with this person one does get to know her or should I say know of her persona. First allow me to state that I am not a trained professional psychologist and other then her psychological testing order by the court during her divorce with her ex husband I don’t believe she been tested after that time. But if the courts and judge found justifiable cause(s) not to grant her custody of her two other children in their tender years and also granting only “supervised visitation” to said mother. These test(s) must have found something which would validate these judgments.

The following is a list of traits know to be displayed for those that suffer from being NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I have only included traits that I myself have witness over the time period of those 17 years I spend in her company.

When I started looking and researching this issue concerning losers and abusers (PD) what surprised me most was how close these personality traits had indeed been visible and present to me and if only I would have knew what they really meant. Indeed if only I knew of this information I would have been able to get help for her and/or at least protect my children and I from her disorder.

“In general, the more of the following traits a person has, the more likely they have NPD. We are addressing this from the angle of a partnership, although we could (and will in the future) write an entire book on narcissists and the different kinds of traits they have depending on the relationship (parent, sibling, partner, child) they are in:

1) Arrogant toward others. Thinks they are better than everyone else in some (usually unrealistic) way. Very condescending when inappropriate.
2) Lack of empathy for others; inability to sympathize or truly understand the emotions of others. Asking them to, “Understand how I feel,” usually gets you a blank stare or a personal attack that you're, “too sensitive.”
3) Exploits others for their own gain, even if it's in a positive way. (Think the coach who does it “for the kids” but everyone knows it's for his own self-aggrandizement.) In a negative way, they are very much a parasite emotionally and financially. Think the boyfriend who promises to pay you back the rent money for the past six months, yet when he leaves he tells the story that he was supporting you, not the other way around. Or the ex who has you take out a ton of loans to support their lifestyle and leaves you while you're gone at work, taking everything in the house with them. Leaving you with all the bills, of course.
4) Has to have repetitive and constant praise. Their ego is dependent upon what others tell them. If someone bruises their ego and tells them something negative, they can react unreasonably in a rage or withdraw and inappropriately inconsolable.
5) Envies others and are convinced others envy them.
6) They think they are operating on a “higher” plain of morality, intelligence, or are superior to others. Will often flaunt the law, but if caught will beg and plead for mercy or try to talk their way out of it. Often feel they are in an exclusive group of people intelligence-wise, even if they have no proof of this.
7) They exaggerate their achievements and abilities. Always bragging about the same things, over and over, even those things that happened decades earlier. Will tell the same self-important stories over and over again.
8) Seem stuck in a “younger” emotional level. While the public at large might not notice this, the partner will recognize any arguments or emotional debates seem to be taking place with a teenager or adolescent, not a rational adult. You can actually correlate their actions to those of a teenager or child.
9) They tend to indulge themselves in the belief that they are important, handsome/beautiful, have sexual prowess, higher intelligence, better business sense than others.
10) Can be pathological liars and/or dishonest even though they claim they are honest, don't like, and loathe the tendency in others.
11) May be religiously hypocritical. Think Saturday night sinner, Sunday morning saint. The preacher who is caught with a prostitute is a great example. Or even the married, Christian, fundamentalist preacher caught in a gay sex scandal. Or the deacon of the church who has cheated on his wife during their entire marriage.
12) Criticism, even constructive, legitimate and gentle, will usually elicit an unwarranted personal attack.
13) They hate being corrected, especially in front of an audience.
14) Act like they are an expert in nearly any subject. Or if they meet someone they want to have contact with, they will study up on a subject to be seen as knowledgeable by that person.
15) Make you feel crazy. They can say one thing, and literally in the same or next breath, say something totally contradictory. Then they will deny they ever said the first thing and accuse you of being crazy. (Poster‘s comments: and/or will tell you over and over again you have a weak memory but they can remember everything! Can also be used to gaslight the person)
16) Puts on a great front to the world, but treats their partner/family totally differently. Often the life of the party, the great guy.
17) Will frequently monopolize a conversation unless they realize they don't know anything about the topic. In that rare case, they may sit back and study everyone and everything and you can almost see the wheels turning in their head.
18) May have lots of acquaintances, but very few close long-term friends. At least, not ones who are positive influences.
19) Will “suck up” to people they perceive have more power, wealth, prestige, knowledge, etc. than they do. If it's someone they perceive as being “superior” to them, they will ingratiate themselves to that person to be closer to them. If the narcissist ever feels they have become superior, they will discard the person.
20) Very inconsiderate, especially of a partner. But again, they can put on a great front to people who don't know them very well. For example, they may all but ignore a baby, yet when around others they will demand to hold the baby, even though it's the first time they've touched the baby in days.
21) Will “groom” a potential romantic partner, often rushing the romance at a whirlwind rate, planning several dates out in advance, might even mention marriage or moving in together during the first or second date. Will assume to know what you want and will make plans without consulting you. If they consult you, they will do what they want anyway. May act inappropriately to pressure you for sex too soon, or assume you want to go to bed with them.
22) Will rarely consult with partner about decisions. Usually thinks they know better. Will only go along with the partner if it's something the narcissist wants to do to begin with.
23) Will often make the partner late to events the narcissist doesn't want to attend. Or start a fight so the partner won't go or will go without him.
24) Cannot have a logical argument/disagreement. If you show them where they are wrong, in black and white, they will divert the argument, attack you personally, deny they ever did/said what you claim, or do something else to get out of it. If all else fails, they will rage and storm out of the house, leaving you to wonder what just happened.
25) Can be very abusive to their partner, mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. But when the partner tries to leave, they may cry and weep and beg the partner to stay with promises to change. Then things go back to normal within days or weeks.
26) You can see a pattern to their behavior if you are with them long enough. You can chart acting out behaviors, fights, etc. based around events like anniversaries, holidays, and payday.
27) Inconsiderate partner. Expects the partner to do everything but takes full credit for it all and claims the partner never pitches in to help. The partner can never fully live up to the narcissist's expectations.
28) Volunteers their partner to do things for others without consultation or lifting a finger to help. Might even sign the couple up for an event and let the partner do all the work. (Think the man who gets into a multi-level marketing organization and makes their wife do all the work and make all the contacts, yet will take all the credit and dish out all the blame accordingly. Or someone who volunteers their partner to be a caregiver for a sick relative without consulting them first, and if it conflicts with the partner's schedule the narcissist will blame, guilt, and belittle the partner until they give in.)
29) The longer you are with a narcissist, you will notice they only hand out compliments when they want something from you (usually money or sex) or realize they've pushed you too far and want to reel you back in.
30) You feel trapped in the relationship, like you've been reeled in time and again like a fish on a hook.
31) Inappropriate expectations from children. (Demanding they be perfect in grades, sports, etc.)
32) Sexually inappropriate with others; lots of flirting, chatting, emailing to others despite the partner's objections. Can even have multiple affairs.
33) When the partner objects to the narcissist's actions, the narcissist will tell them, “You're imagining things.” “You're crazy.” “You don't know what you're talking about.” “That wasn't me.” “You're stupid.” “You're just jealous.” “It's all in your head.” (Comment from blogger, "You're trying to control me" *also read up on projections.)
34) Can make cruel jokes or comments at someone's expense. When the person objects, they won't apologize, they'll say, “I was just joking. Lighten up – you're too sensitive.”
35) Might love something that gives them narcissistic supply, like a pet or child, but will treat others like objects. But they will frequently abuse the pet or child of a partner. If their narcissistic object disappoints them, they will often abuse or get rid of it or disown it.
36) If you refuse to give the narcissist their “narcissistic supply” they will dump you.
37) If someone they perceive as “superior” to them sees through their mask, they will find ways to avoid them or discredit them. (Comment from blogger: Read smear campaign)
38) Overreacts to real or imagined slights. Yet if someone accuses them of the same thing, they will tell the person they need to lighten up or chill out, they're imagining things, etc.
39) Major double standard. Will hold everyone and everything else to a much higher standard than they hold themselves. Will claim to be at a higher standard while doing the same things they belittle or accuse others of doing.
40) Will often project onto their partner or others. For example, “You're so selfish,” when the truth is it's the narcissist who is selfish.
41) Appearances are everything to them. Not just physical, but things like money, legal situations, business. If the partner dares tells the truth about something in public the narcissist will frequently embarrass them publicly to shut them up. (Comment from blogger: Read smear campaign)
42) Won't hesitate to use public embarrassment or ridicule to keep a partner in line.
43) If you start to ignore them or tune them out, they try everything they can to get your attention (good and bad).
44) Will frequently leave their partner first before the partner can leave them. Or they will keep attempting to drag the partner back to them when the partner leaves.
45) Concerning past hurts, will get angry if you bring up any wrongs they do, but won't hesitate to throw your past in your face.
46) Will often “research” you so they can throw incidents from your past, even before they knew you, in your face.
47) Will use emotional blackmail against you without hesitation, but they usually cannot be emotionally blackmailed.
48) Hate to lose. They are awful to play games with because they are vicious and will gloat about it. If they lose, they are poor losers.
49) You honestly think they come from a different planet and find yourself checking in with others to see if you're crazy or not. (Comment from blogger: Research gaslighting tactics)
50) Will frequently attempt to isolate the partner from friends and family; can be very jealous of partner's time spent away from them; will alienate the partner's friends and family to keep them from coming around; might outright tell the partner who they are and aren't allowed to associate with.
51) Blames everyone and everything else for their problems, especially the partner. Rarely takes personal accountability for a problem, even if it can be proven they are at fault. Will justify and rationalize everything regardless of truth. Nothing is ever their fault, it's always the fault of someone or something else.
52) Always seems to have some crisis going on. Never seems happy if things are “calm” and quiet. Almost seems to thrive on tension and creating chaos in a situation. You might even think they are deliberately trying to start a fight.
53) A narcissist might cry and swear to change, but will go right back to the same behaviors as soon as they feel secure that you are staying. Great at the crocodile tears. Can go from crocodile tears to rage in a heartbeat.
54) Overreacts to everything. Can be interested in model airplanes one day, and the next they are delving into skydiving. There seems to be no middle ground with them – it's all or nothing.
55) They might not want to go out all the time, or they might never want to stay home. The point is, they will always do (or finagle to do) what they want to do regardless of what the partner wants to do.
56) Minimizes the partner's role in the relationship. Especially if they have maneuvered the partner into a position so they are financially dependent upon the narcissist. For example, a woman might have a college degree and gave up a good paying job to be a stay-at-home mom. From that point on, the narcissist systematically works to control the finances and keep the partner dependent upon them. At the same time, they may criticize and belittle the partner for being dependent upon them. Even if it was the narcissist who insisted on the arrangement in the first place.
57) Listen for the key words from the narcissist: I, Me, Mine. When the narcissist tries to convince you not to leave, it will be couched in terms of, “What will I do if you leave?” “What do you expect me to do?” “I won't be able to ___ if you leave.” It will always be statements about them, not about you as a partner.
58) Will frequently portray all of their ex-partners as being at fault. May admit a few things that were their fault for effect, but when you strip away all the stories, everything is blamed on the ex-partners.
59) Will frequently ignore the partner's birthday, anniversaries, holidays. Unless there's an audience, then they will give grandiose gifts in front of them.
60) May make grand gestures to the partner with expectations of sex or special favors. Never gives a gift to a partner without some sort of strings attached.

Remember, there are different types of narcissists. Some are quiet and almost shy in their demeanor, but they still have narcissistic cores. These kind tend to not be grandiose in outward actions, but still have the same beliefs. So they demand extremely high levels of reassurance and attention from those around them. They are extremely vulnerable to criticism because of very low-levels of self-esteem, and instead of responding to criticism with a personal attack, they may withdraw and be nearly inconsolable.”

Link: http://npd.codeps.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=12&Itemid=1

Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder

2009-06-11T14:37:00.002-05:00

During our 17 years together I saw this part of her personality many times. At the time I didn’t know about a person who is “Passive Aggressive” so didn’t realize what it was about her that confused me so much. So I am including this part of the blogging so others will understand it and may be able to recognizes it if they see in in their partner and then maybe help them get into counseling.

Peace and Healing
With Dan Williams Psy. D, PA-C

Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder

According to the DSM IV, the essential symptoms are a continuous pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations. This behavior usually begins in early adulthood. However it is also seen in childhood. These individuals frequently resent and resist demands to function at a level expected by others. It is commonly seen in the workplace, but also commonly seen in marriages and other relationships. The behavior is expressed by procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and intentional inefficiency. It is a very common response to a task assigned by someone in authority. When asked to do a certain task, individuals will not do the task, or if they do, may hide the fact it was done. They may call in sick the day the assignment is due. These individuals consistently externalize blame onto others. They take no responsibility for their actions. They become very argumentative. They are very cynical and skeptical. These individuals are envious of others, and resentful of their peers. They have few friends, and usually seek out individuals in their peer network that may be less fortunate than them. They are excellent at looking for sympathy from others. They frequently apologize and state that things will be much better in the future, and usually beg for “another chance.” Their self-confidence is extremely poor, despite a false presentation of assertiveness. Some of these characteristics are also found in individuals with borderline personality disorder, as well as antisocial and avoidant personality disorders.

As indicated above, these individuals usually have issues with those in authority, and it is often revealed in therapy that they have had very domineering parents, either maternal or paternal, who have placed them in situations where they have had to avoid tasks at hand, becoming very manipulative, and excelling at putting things off. It is not uncommon for these individuals to wrap themselves in a cloak of “poor me” syndrome.

Treatment of Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder

Treatment for these individuals usually requires a long process. These patients for the most part have difficulty looking and assessing their behavior. They may eventually see their shortcomings, however will rationalize away their behavior, trying to justify it. One of the goals of therapy is to try to promote self-confidence in these individuals by helping them realize how they are impeding their own success. If they change their behavior, they can become more successful at their jobs, and move up the occupational ladder. It is also important to point out to them their cynical natures. However this should attempted in the first month or two of sessions, as these individuals may quit therapy and run. There is some secondary gain obtained from their behavior. Subsequently, if these individuals can learn to get their secondary gain from other sources and in a more healthy and productive manner, some of the passive-aggressive behavior should dissipate over time.

As with any personality disorder, relapse is very common. In therapy, we try to give individuals tools to work with, so they can catch when their behavior occurs, and there is always an open door policy, and individuals should understand that they can come back at any time for a “tune-up,” if you will, when they do relapse.

Link: http://www.peaceandhealing.com/personality/passive.asp

The Abuser vs the abusee

2009-06-10T00:03:00.008-05:00

The Abuser and Abusee

“Abusers like to bring you down to their level”

“You may find yourself becoming abusive in retaliation; in this case the abuser can say you are no better than the abuser. Note: Abusers are much better at arguing and winning so going down to their level means that you have lost; this is a variation of one person hitting another until the other eventually hits back.”

I know there is no such word as “abusee” but please allow me to explain.

Whenever we are involved with an abuser we will abuse as well. The abuser abuses to control and manipulate us. We abuse to fight back and take back what sanity we have left. The abuser destroys our self-esteem our personal power and in short our personality. We are told we are nothing. That no one else will love us and many other words and statements to rob you of all that is you.

We abuse (defend) just to keep our hearts and heads above water from their torrent of constance abuse. Also the abuser will use this as a way to belittle you even more by stating you are just like them but the abuser never see it for what it really is. They abuse to control but we abuse just to stay alive albeit emotional and psychologically.

Whenever we are involve in an dysfunctional relationship we are in a verbal emotional and psychological battle. Never really knowing when and where the next attack will come from. We walk on mines (eggshells) around them never knowing what we do to “bring down the house” no matter how small or large the oversight might be. They fire shots of verbal abuse like a machine gun. They will sabotages events and holidays just like any saboteur in a war. We fight (abuse) to maintain ground and position just like any army will do in a conflict of war.

The abuser fights to win!
We fight to survive!

Please don’t expect an abuser to see this or to acknowledge it so whenever he/she tells you that you are just as bad as them. Don’t believe it for there is a different! A very “big” different from being the abuser and the “abusee”.

Links:
http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/blame.html
http://www.abusivelove.com/
http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/2009/03/abusers-do-not-play-fair.html

Expect Anything

2009-06-07T03:52:00.011-05:00

Why is NC so important to me?

One day soon after Dorothy Chambers was gone and we stopped all contact with her by phone because once again she broke a promise made to me that I didn‘t want anyone else to call me or get my personal home phone number which included her family and friends. I told her that if she broke this promise that I would change our home phone number and she would never get the new one. Which she never did. [Please read: Sons Birthday: Personal Journal Part 4]

Dorothy agreed with this but I knew it was only a matter of time before she would break this promise. Remember Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar so one can’t believe any promises made or anything she tells you.

After she broke her promise not to give our phone to anyone else and I having received a call from her now “new” soulmate who threaten me about having my sons who wrote a letter to their mother explaining about how they felt about visiting her or having them call her. I did in fact change our home phone number at that time as agreed and our home phone numbers was changed within 24 hours with the help of us current phone carrier. *Please read Correspondences from 2006.

One day soon after changing our home phone number my oldest son came and told me how his friend’s mother received an unexpected call from some friend of my now ex Dorothy Chambers. My son’s friends mother is from the Philippines so the reader might want to keep this in mind plus she never really knew my ex very well to begin with.

Anyway one night a caller called and got his mother on the phone and then asked for Dorothy Chambers home phone number knowing that my son’s friend had our new number. Of course only Dorothy Chamber would have know this. Only Dorothy Chambers herself had my oldest son’s friend’s home phone number. This along tells me that Dorothy Chambers was behind this deceitful act and condom it.

Well unknown to the caller and I guess Dorothy Chambers as well that my son’s friend and his mother never had a very close relationship and she didn’t know most of her son’s friends let alone their phone numbers. Also to note to reader, his mother forgot to turn off the answering machine so when she answered this call the conversation was accidentally recorded. My oldest son’s friend was nice enough to allow us to listen to the recorded conversation between the unknown caller and his mother.

*Also of interest the caller tried to disguise his voice but did a really bad job at it. We all had a good laugh over that one! We never really knew who this person was but we believe it to be the new boyfriend.

The recorded phone conversation went like this:

Caller: I am close friend of Dorothy. I am looking for her and wanted to know if you could give me her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who do you want?
Caller: I looking for Dorothy Chambers and wanted to know if you have her home phone number?
Friend’s mother: There is no Dorothy that lives here! Why you call me?
Caller: I know she doesn’t live there I just want you to give me her home phone number!
Friend’s mother: I don’t understand, No Dorothy lives here! Why you call me?
Caller: So you won’t give me Dorothy’s home phone number?
Friend’s mother: Who is Dorothy? Dorothy doesn’t live here! What you want?
Friend’s mother: Okay then. (Caller hangs up)

Now the friend’s mother didn’t know whom Dorothy Chambers was and also didn’t have that information. I guess because she was from another country they thought they could trick her into giving the caller our new home phone number by telling her they were a friend looking for Dorothy Chambers. These of course are the tall tell signs of a manipulator but it didn’t work with my oldest son‘s friend’s mother. Too bad too sad.

Now we will go back a few days before I heard the recorded message conversation myself....

The night my oldest son came and told me about this call so at the time I thought Dorothy left her new boyfriend and might be back in this state. Remember I at this time don’t know about the recorded conversation just that someone called my oldest son‘s friends mother and asked her for Dorothy‘s home phone number and was "looking for her".

What happens next is something I never experienced before and hope to God never again.

I had a major panic attack but at the time didn‘t know that!

Just with the thought that she might return I started feeling like I was having a heart attack.

I have all the signs....

Numbest in my right arm
Tightness of the chest
Blood rushing to my head
Feeling like I would pass out
Feeling of hopelessness and a sense thread
Feeling like I was would die

I called my brother-in-law and asked him if he would drive to the hospital because I believed I was having a stroke, he did drive me there that night.

The doctors in the emergency room ran all the necessary tests to determine if I indeed was having a stroke or heart attack. But my entire tests came back with a good bill of health and that I wasn‘t having a stoke or heart attack.

The good doctors then suggested I see a psychologist, which I did the following week

All this just thinking she might return? This of course got me thinking what else is wrong with me? So seeing a psychologist sounded like a very good ideal.

Of course this happened three years ago and something like this wouldn’t happen again but it shows the effect these people can have on us in the beginning of our healing and understanding just what we are dealing with. These people are toxic to us so remember things like this can and does happen.

What is really interesting is how I remembered when we were dating and she was having problems with her ex husband. How she wanted me to call him and tell him what a horrible person he was. How I remember telling her how this action on my part in talking with her ex husband would only create more problems and in the end solve nothing. How I explain to her at the time that she needed to deal with her ex husband on issues about their children and that was why I refused to get involved with a relationship from her past and how it was her responsibility not mine. I knew calling and harassing her ex husband was wrong and why I refused to do it. I knew at the time it was the right decision not to get involved with her problems dealing with her ex husband. But I guess her “new soulmate” neither didn’t know this or didn’t care. This makes the caller neither a fool or a pawn for her to use like she wanted to use me when she requested that I call her ex husband.

This is just another tactic manipulators use by getting others to do their dirty work so if it doesn’t work they will just blame the next “soulmate” who should have know better.

Well, I knew better and refused to allow her to use me as a pawn and never called her ex husband concerning these issues concerning her other children.

The Wolves Within

2009-05-30T10:19:00.005-05:00

People who suffer from an personality disorder can be filled with hate. This explain why you will experience from time to time “narcissistic rages”. I believe whenever we fill ourselves up with hate it will consume us and will destroy all that which is good in that person sociality and the general public. So I would advise others to feed only the “good” wolf and starve the other one. Hate it self is pointless and will only promote more of the same.

~The Wolves Within~

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a schoolmate who had done him an injustice, Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.

He continued, It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked,

“Which one wins, Grandfather?” The Grandfather smiled and said, “The one I feed, son, the one I feed.
”

~ Author Unknown ~ (has been attributed to Shaw though)”

Narcissim: What makes a Narcissit tick

2009-05-25T18:27:00.001-05:00

No Contact Please

2009-05-22T05:56:00.006-05:00

We are now almost at the end of this blog. If you read the beginning part of this blog you will know that all this started in May 22, 2006. It’s now May 22, 2009.

We started NC around the end of July or the beginning of August of the year 2006. First for those that don’t understand the concept of No Contact I would like to give you some information of this concept.

No contact:

What is NC? The concept is to cut off all physical contact with that person. For some of us this is not possible for those with children of tender years and sometimes other then this it still may be almost impossible but one can still limit to a great degree the amount of contact you have with these toxic dysfunctional people in your life.

The personality disorder person see this concept as a type of revenge but that couldn’t be further from the truth. NC is for the victim only and has nothing to do with the abuser. We go NC for many reasons and in many different ways depending on the person in question. We go NC for survivor and to heal. We come to a understanding that this toxic dysfunctional relationship is harmful and dangerous to our well being our minds and our souls. Only through NC do we get the time to stop the emotional roller coaster ride once and for all we have been on and sometimes for years. NC screams “stop the ride because I want off!!!”.

When I stated “physical contact” I mean just that. No phone calls letters (text) no physical contact in anyway. By going NC we get the chance to clean out all these toxic emotional turmoil we had in our minds and physical body. Many are addicted to this abusive lifestyle much like a alcoholic would be for alcohol. There was something wrong with us or should I say inside of us.

Some attract these type of toxic dysfunctional relationships because of our upbringing by our parents or caretakers. We need time to understand this and then do whatever possible to correct this way of thinking and feeling. NC allows this to happen over many years. NC allow the person(s) to once again discover who they are and not what was projected on them by the abuser.

You were told you are worthless
You were told you are unlovable
You were told no one will love you
You were told you are stupid
You were told you not good enough
You were told many negative words and statements
All are untrue and was projection and given to you by your abuser.

We need time to undo all those lies and projections again NC allow this to happen over time.

Many times after the toxic dysfunctional relationship ended and because you invested so much of you into this toxic dysfunctional relationship many don’t even know who they are. In many ways NC allow us to know that person who existed before all the abusive damage was done. Many come away broken and need to mend. This can only be done away from the abuser.

How long should NC (if possible) last? Well if one is dealing with a sociopath, I would say for the rest of your life. But if this isn’t possible and sometimes for those with children it isn’t then distance from your abuser is what you need now. The more miles between the abuser and you is what we need. But after our children grow and start to see that damage the abuser causes they too will decide if NC is for them as well. But if your children are already at a age were they too have experienced the abuse and understand why NC is so very important then complete no contact can be introduce and started. Again NC has nothing whatsoever to do with the abuser, no it’s for the victim who is now becoming the survivors.

So to my personal abuser this is all my children and I want to say to you.

Listen to the song by Lily Allen because it really says it all and yes please don’t stay in touch.

http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/2009/08/no-contact.html

NC: Three years later and counting.....

2009-05-18T00:22:00.011-05:00

So now after three years of NC (No Contact) and healing growing and learning my children and I have just this to say to Dorothy and her crew and please don't stay in touch.

Look inside
Look inside
Your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
Cos we’re so uninspired
So sick and tired
Of all
The hatred you harbor

So you say
It’s not okay to be gay
Well I think
You’re just evil
You’re just some racist
Who can’t tie my laces
You’re point of view
Is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos we hate
What you do
And we hate
Your whole crew
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos your words
Don’t translate
And it’s getting
Quite late
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Do you get
Do you get
A little kick out
of being
Small minded
You want to be
Like your father
His approval
Your after
Well that’s not how
You’ll find it

Do you
Do you really enjoy
Living a life
That’s so hateful
Cos there’s a hole
Where your soul
Should be
You’re losing
Control of it
And it’s really
Distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos we hate
What you do
And we hate
Your whole crew
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos your words
Don’t translate
And it’s getting
Quite late
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Look inside
Look inside
Your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
Cos we’re so uninspired
So sick and tried
Of all
The hatred you harbor

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos we hate
What you do
And we hate
Your whole crew
So please
Don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Very, very much
Cos your words
Don’t translate
And it’s getting
Quite late
So please
Don’t stay in touch.........

Why many want NC (No Contact)

2009-05-10T19:50:00.005-05:00

Very interesting news. Interesting how patterns and red flags are so constance with those that suffer from a personality disorder. This was very interesting for me because it show how those people who suffer from this emotional/moral disorder are true chameleons and can mend into any environment they may find themselves involve with as well as the patterns for which they are well know for. I believe we all can learn much from Ms. Ferrell.

Thanks

The following are “red flags” concerning the behavior of Ms. Ferrell.

Bobby:

The pity play: RED FLAG

When Bobby had been seeing Ms. Ferrell for about six weeks, one of her friends told him that Ms. Ferrell was dying of cancer. When he confronted her, Bobby said she told him “the sob story—‘I’m estranged from my parents, I don’t know who my birth parents are, my adoptive parents are abusive.’ It never occurred to me that it would be odd that someone who’s dying of cancer, who has three months to live, would just move from Salt Lake City to Brooklyn.”

Gaslighting: RED FLAG

The doctors were treating but good news was: ‘There’s something wrong with your appendix, it’s a little inflamed. But, good news, we couldn’t find any cancer in your lungs!”

According to Bobby, Ms. Ferrell dismissed this diagnosis, saying that her cancer was the kind of thing that could show up on a scan one day and disappear the next.

Joe:

Lack of personal/sexual boundary marker: RED FLAG

“She has this thing with guys where she talks about sex really upfront and kind of puts people off balance,” said Joe. (It was also around November that a guy named Troy was at Union Pool, the Williamsburg bar, when the bartender passed him a note from another customer. It read, “I want to give you a hand job with my mouth,” and was signed “Korean Abdul-Jabbar.” It was, according to Troy, from Ms. Ferrell.

librarian:

No Contact:

“A few days later, the librarian recalled, Ms. Ferrell said she was tired and might want to go to the emergency room. “She had claimed she needed to go to Sloan-Kettering—she said that’s why she came to New York, to go to that hospital. But she said she couldn’t go to Sloan-Kettering when she had complications. At the emergency room, the doctors couldn’t find her information...She gave them her Social Security number and they couldn’t find any records at Sloan-Kettering. I figured this was one of these administrative things where they couldn’t find her information.”

Soon the librarian realized that something wasn’t right, and Googled her. “Finally I just sent her an email saying that I knew, and I wasn’t going to hang out with her anymore, and then I told all the friends I had met through her the same story. They basically cut off contact with her.”
“A couple months later, meanwhile, the librarian got a call from Mount Sinai hospital; Ms. Ferrell had listed him as an emergency contact. “They said, ‘Do you have any information about her? Can you tell her she owes us money?”

Supply:

In January at an HBO party, Ms. Ferrell met a 24-year-old writer who lives in Williamsburg. By this point, she had moved to Throop Avenue in Bedford-Stuyvesant because, she told him, the building she’d been living in previously got condemned. The writer felt immediately drawn into Ms. Ferrell’s orbit; they ended up hanging out about four times a week. “She acts very warm and super-interested in what people have to say,” he recalled. “And she has lots of offers for things. She’s really into music and knows a lot about music. She’ll say, ‘I work at GoldenVoice, I can get you into that show. Anything you want to go to, I can get you on the list.’ We’d go and would end up not being on the list, but somehow we’d end up getting in—she’d just wink at the door guy and we’d get inside. Almost everyone who’s a dude, she’s really super sexually aggressive with—I’ve seen her send text messages to these guys that are really, really explicit, just to lure these dudes in. I guess these guys see that and say, ‘She’s attractive, she’s really aggressive, I’m into that.’ Even with girls, she would meet my friends and be really nice and warm and say she could get them into places—we would go out dancing and have a great time. She always got everyone’s phone number and email and followed up with them.”

In March, Ms. Ferrell got offered the job at Vice. “We had these long conversations about whether she should leave GoldenVoice and go to Vice or not,” said the writer. “This is one of the things that disturbs me more than anything else—we talked for 30 minutes about whether she should change jobs or not. We had an engaging conversation about something that was completely a fantasy.”

Casey Hansen:

History of pathology anti-social behavior:

“That was where she met Casey Hansen, now 24. “She just kind of messaged me out of nowhere, commenting on my profile picture,” Mr. Hansen said. “It was of Santa Claus holding a sign that said, ‘I don’t exist.’” The two started dating.”

“She told Mr. Hansen she was 18 and had graduated from high school that year. Her driver’s license said she was 17, though, and Ms. Ferrell’s parents even told him how old she was. “She just said there was something weird with her birth certificate, since she’d been adopted from South Korea,” Mr. Hansen said. He believed her. “She held on to this thing about her age, for no real valid reason, for like two years. I feel like that was a harbinger of things to come.”
“Around New Year’s 2005, she moved to Arizona to live with her mom, but moved back to Salt Lake City three months later. That April she moved in with some straight-edge kids in Salt Lake City. Within a week, Mr. Hansen said, she told him she was getting text messages from phone numbers she didn’t recognize. She told him they said things like, “I’m going to rape you to death.” She told her roommates she thought she knew who it was, a local kid. She told Mr. Hansen that she and her roommates went to the kid’s family’s house and slashed tires and broke windows.”

Mr. Hansen: This is the person who told police about her visit to Philly.

Victim/Survivor:

One night after they’d had sex, she accused Mr. Hansen of cheating on her. “I came downstairs and she was sitting over her phone, crying,” he said. “She said someone had pictures of me with my ex-girlfriend. I never had had a girlfriend before, let alone, how did someone have pictures of me?” A couple weeks later, Mr. Hansen went to Los Angeles with his band; Ms. Ferrell and some of her friends tagged along. She accused a guy of hitting on her and Mr. Hansen said, he "almost knocked his teeth out."*

“In the fall, she told Mr. Hansen that she was finally able to access the money that she hadn’t been able to get to because of the previous fraud on her checking account. “She started depositing all these checks into my account, literally depositing $300, $500, $1,100 at a time,” he said “They keep giving me money whenever I wanted to withdraw. She kept saying she couldn’t use her ATM card, telling me, ‘You cash these checks and give me the money.’ One day I hand them a check for $1,200 and I asked the teller, ‘Are these good? I assume they are, because you guys just keep giving me money and you’re a bank, but can you just check on this?’ And he tells me they’re good.” This went on for about a week and a half, for a total of $10,600, before the bank belatedly realized the checks were written from an account that wasn’t even open.”

“I was in denial,” said Mr. Hansen. “She’d always make up something to prolong it.” Mr. Hansen tried to break up with her. She told him she had cancer.”

“She told him she was being stalked again.”

“In October she got a new roommate, a friend she’d known for several years, and, according to Mr. Hansen, scammed him out of $3,000.”

“Later, Mr. Hansen somehow thought it would be a good idea for him to buy a used car, a Volkswagen Jetta, for Ms. Ferrell to make the payments on. It was a five-year loan at 20 percent interest. She made two payments on the car. Mr. Hansen ended up filing for bankruptcy.”

Thanks again and something like this for me can be very therapeutically. This isn’t about Dorothy Chambers but can serve to help understand why many of us choose and maintain NC.

http://www.observer.com/2009/style/hipster-grifter

S.E.T.

2009-05-09T18:11:00.003-05:00

I started (almost finished) reading the book:

I HATE YOU-don’t leave me by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. & Hal Straus.

First allow me to say this book must be a best reader because this copy gave from the library falling apart...

Anyway, one part of the book explain how to communicate to a BP called SET. This was developed by the staff of the Comprehensive Treatment Unit of Saint John’s Mercy Medical Center in St. Louis.

“SET”-Support Empathy Truth-is a three-part system of communication. During confrontations of destructive behavior, important decision-making sessions, or other crises, interactions with the borderline should invoke all three of these elements.
The “S” stage of this system, “Support,” invokes a personal statement of concern. “I am sincerely worried about how you are feeling” is an example of a Support statement. The emphasis is on the speaker’s own feelings and is essentially a personal pledge to try to be of help.

With the “Empathy” segment, one attempts to acknowledge the borderline’s chaotic feelings: “How awful you must be feeling.....” It is important not to confuse Empathy with sympathy (“I feel sorry for you....”), which may elicit rage over perceived condescension. Also, Empathy should be expressed in a neutral way with minimal personal reference to the speaker’s own feelings. The emphasis here is on the borderline’s painful experience, not the speaker’s. A statement like “I know just how bad you are feeling” invites a mocking rejoinder that, indeed, you do not know, and only aggravates conflict.

The “T” statement, representing “Truth” or reality, emphasizes that the borderline is ultimately responsible for his/her life and that others’ attempts to help cannot preempt this primary responsibility. While Support and Empathy are subjective statements acknowledging how the principals feel, Truth statements show recognition that a problem exists and address the practical issue of what can be done to solve it. “Well, what are you doing to do about it?” is one essential Truth response. Other characteristic Truth expressions refer to actions that the speaker feels compelled to take in response to the borderline’s behaviors, which should be expressed in a matter-of-fact, neutral fashion (“Here’s what happened... These are the consequences... This is what I can do... What are you going to do?...”) But they should be stated in a way that avoids blaming and sadistic punishing (“This is a fine mess you gotten us into!”). The Truth part of the “SET” system is the most important and the most difficult for the borderline to accept since so much of his world excludes or rejects realistic consequences.

Communication with the borderline should attempt to include all three messages. However, even if all three parts are stated, the borderline may not integrate all of them. Predictable responses result when one of these levels is either not clearly stated or is not “heard”.

The writer goes on to state that we can use the “SET” system whenever we are dealing with a relationship in crisis and/or if we are dealing with a person who we wish to help but not allow them to use us by emotional “blackmail”. I for one believe I can use it in my personal life and will start doing so. The “SET” system was developed for BP but can be used for others we care about and want to help. Will the “SET” system worked on sociopathic people? No, because one element of the system is truth. Something some of those that suffer from personality disorders have the biggest problem with, Truth. So those who are NPD and/or ASPD would have a very hard time hearing the full statements.

"Predatorily" (reptilian) gaze

2009-05-04T17:39:00.006-05:00

"In the book Violent Attachments, women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath - it is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the "predatorily" (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of "being eaten." They tend to invade peoples' space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)"

W.A.R.

2009-04-28T23:17:00.006-05:00

This was taken from a thread on Lovefraud.com titled “Psychopaths and predatory memory. My reply to Henry was as followed.

henry,

“No contact is our only weapon, the closest thing to revenge we will get.”

I too believed this for the longest time (the part about NC, but sorry I disagree it should have anything to do with revenge) until one day I understood that exposure is also a tool we can use.

Exposure for me is a necessary part of the learning process I am going through. By exposing with these types of people, we will accomplish three things.

I call this type of exposure by the initials W.A.R

1) Warn: others about these types of dysfunctional and parasitic people.

If I only knew more about those that suffer from having a personality disorder before I met and started a family with my ex s/p I know things would have been different. I know I would have tried harder to save my children and I from years of verbal abuse by her. Even if I had to break the law I would have tried harder to protect my children. If only I knew about what a personality disorder was, I would at least had more options.

So now my life’s work is exposing these type of personality disorders and the risk one takes whenever we date marry or get involve in these relationships albeit personal or business.

2) Aftermath: I am dealing with the after effect of my personal dysfunctional past relationship with my ex s/p. Now our mind have this ability to “forget” the really horrible and bad events in our lives. The reasons, I am sure there are many, but anyway by exposing these type of people we will remember and not naturally block out those EM (emotional memories) but instead deal with them and try to understand why this happen and how to prevent it from happening again.

3) Reaffirmation. Whenever we take the steps to expose someone with a history of abuse and “bad” relationships, we confirm what we believe to be the truth, as we understand it. The only example I at the moment have is the holocaust and how we must never forget what happen during this war and those that for years suffered and die in silence. Many people would love to forget the holocaust but to do so would allow something like this to happen again. But by us remembering this horrible event and reaffirmation with ourselves of it‘s reality, we can pray and hope it never happens again. The same applies to our past relationships with our s/p. By remembering and reaffirming what really did happen we can go on and let go of this past and leaving it when it belongs “in our past”. And then hope and pray it doesn’t happen to someone else.

Link: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/04/27/psychopaths-and-predatory-memory/

The Smear Campaign

2009-04-28T23:15:00.007-05:00

I guess the first question to you the reader is what is a “smear campaign”?

In many ways it’s a campaign to win others to see and know only what the abusers wants other people to know. To take focus off of the abuser and then place on it on the abused shoulders. In short these smear campaigns are nothing more then yet another projection from the abuser but only this time is given to outsiders. It gives others the reasons the abuser is really (as they want you to believe the victim). These campaigns shift blame and accountability away from the abuser unto the target source.

The type of smear campaign are modify to fit the target (victim) but the theme is always to show how the campaigner was abused lie too and victimized but it’s modified as well to that person and/or group to achieve whatever goal the campaign has in mind. An example would be if this smear campaign were told to the next “soulmate” (victim) they (the abuser) would try to achieve two goals. One to make the victim the abuser, which is why they had to leave and/or were, told to leave. The campaigner will tell his/her next victim that they are lying when in fact it was them that lied. The victim is a manipulator and/or “control freak”. The victim was unavailable emotionally and is a heartless person. The victim was physically abusive to them. Second, the next lover (victim) will be seasoned on a more emotional level setting her/him up for what I call the “pity play” role. This type of smear campaign also works on family members and close friends that would be if they have any.

But if the abuser was to sell this smear campaign to an outsider like a church members or co-workers the campaign would focus more on achieving winning that person and/or group and getting them on their side of this debate. They might focus more on personal themes like alcoholisms drug abuse and/or moral issues. But remember the goal is to minimize the accountability of the abuser and then shift blame more on the creditability of the victim. The smear campaign is to destroy the creditability of the victim. The abuser during the smear campaign must maintain this theme.

What is most interesting is that the abuser’s campaign is really telling others (projections) what they did and have done to the victim and sometimes for years and knows that after they have left or was ordered to end the relationship (divorce) that the victim will start talking. What the victim had for years keep within his/her self is exposure to others too help the true victims(s) to understand and then hopefully too start to heal. Therefore they (abusers) must get the first attack and will start to set up the campaign to conceal what they themselves have done so if one see the campaign for what it really is. Then one can understand that one-day you too might have this type of smear campaign done to and against you and/or those that are closest and dearest to you. A smear campaign might start after the relationship dissolves but most starts months or years before the relationship dissolves. A smear campaign itself is a source of narcissistic supply for the campaigner. A smear campaign will have out right lies but most are truth/lies twisted to once again shift both blame and accountability off the abuser while destroying any creditability from the victim.

So really each of us would have their own story concerning which smear campaign was used on them.

My smear campaign:

Interesting that a past “smear campaign” told to you early in a new relationship is it’s self a “red flag”. Remember that you too were once seasoned for a “pity play” by your now accuser and abuser. Once you too were told how abuse and violence plagued their last relationship. Remember that past smear campaigns are in fact a window to look into to what will someday happen to you....

I remember how my ex s/p told me how her last husband physically abused her. How he would steal all her money and use it for his drugs. How much he cheated on her. How he once tried to drive his car into a tree so that both of them would die and how she escaped by jumping from the car before it hit the tree. How her ex would lay on top of her chest forcing her down and then took a lit cigarettes and threaten to burn her. How her ex would manipulate and lie to her. Because Dorothy Chambers is a pathological liar how much or if any of this is true I will never really know. I don’t know what happen between them but I do know what happen with us.

So one day I woke up and become that ex. That unfeeling uncaring non supported abusive monster.

After my ex s/p left some information started to come back to me. I soon learned how she told her family and her next partner (victim/partner in crime?) that I physically abuse her. What was interesting is how she used one of her jobs as proof as the alleged abuse. Let me explain.

She worked at FedEx in the receiving and shipping department, which unloaded incoming trucks and then would through serials of tracks process the shipments to the outgoing trucks. My ex explained how many times they had to use their own strength and bodies to stop the merchandise coming down these “tracks” and would get bruised in the process. After starting her job I notice how she would come home covered in bruises. One time when my sister was visiting us, I made a joke about her physical condition telling them both how “people will think I am beating you with all those bruises on her”. Of course at that time we all had a good laugh about it but I am not laughing now! I told Dorothy Chambers many times how I hated her job and the way she came home with all these injuries on her. Dorothy Chambers did in fact quit this job. But not before she used my little joke and her position at FedEx to use it as a smear campaign against me. Anyway, like her ex husband, I too physically abused her. The only problem is that I have proof this never happened unlike her ex.

Another comment that I heard about (i.e. smear) that was used against me was my drinking and how I was an alcoholic. Now to be as honest as I can, I did drink a lot when I lived with Dorothy Chambers. But what surprised me even more was how my heavy drinking stopped after she left. I see now how I was self-medicating myself through alcohol. This only shows me how much damage we can do to ourselves whenever we are involve with a toxic person and in a toxic relationship. Whenever one is involved in a dysfunctional relationship we might and/or will do things that may not be normal and/or healthy. Her ex husband used drugs and by her statement an drug addict. I drank and therefore by her statements an alcoholic. This is how they will use any character flaw no matter how small and blow it up to show whoever will listen just what a “bad” person you are.

Yet another smear was my ability to support my family. Again untrue for I maintain full time employment and because of my education was paid a good income. But my ex s/p only worked part-time in our 17 years together when and if she worked at all. Also her education was more limited and made less money.

Of course there are more no doubt and some I know I will never know about unless it gets back to me through the grapevine somehow. One of the drawbacks with total NC (No contact).

A smear campaign is nothing less then misdirection telling others don’t look at what I am doing instead look at what they did. They may admit some fault in the relationship(s) but if one looks closer the sincerity is short lived and/or shallow at best.

A smear campaign is also just another form of projection but it’s projected on whoever will listen and not on you.

Can anyone protect themselves against a smear campaign?

The answer is no because the campaign and campaigner will twist facts with both lies and truth and most victims never learn about the campaign until after the abuser has left or was told to leave.

If the victim tries to warn the next victim (partner/lover) then the abuser will use his/her campaign already in full force to again prove how unstable and abusive the victim is. Which is why many of us warn the victim that to do so might backfire and will do more damage to them while simultaneously confirming what the abuser has campaigned all along that you are unstable abusive and are just telling lies about them.

Personality Disorders: Cluster A B & C

2009-04-22T05:22:00.006-05:00

Exposure to parasites

2009-04-05T11:20:00.013-05:00

Exposure

From Candy’s aka numberthree

“You allowed your children to go through this HELL, why didn't you get out like the first one did?”

Or From Angela Wiegold (Pape) aka Angle69

“Why don't you move on like her First husband did?”

Now both of these questions are valid and should be address.

Let’s take Candy’s comment first shall we?

This person would be correct that because If I didn’t do something I would have in fact let my children go through hell because whenever we allow a problem to go unchallenged or at least try not to understand the problem and/or problems we live a life of denial and then the problems will just grow and grow over time. Because I didn't know what a sociopath is I can only say I did the best I could and live with my part in this for the rest of my life. But Candy is right insomuch that the children and I did in fact go through hell with Dorothy Chambers.

But in all fairness I did many times try very hard to do something. We went to counseling three times trying to see why both Dorothy and myself were having so many interpersonal problems in our relationship. The first counseling was a elder woman and very good at her job. She saw some personal issues with both of us and knew we needed to work on them. But for some reason after getting closer to some issues with Dorothy and Dorothy telling us both “how much she hated her mother” in one session Dorothy did a quick turn around and quit therapy that day after leaving that session.

Dorothy told me after leaving that session that she would “never” go back and would quit. When I ask Dorothy why? Her reply was “I do not like talking about my past”. Now I did something I wished that I wouldn’t have done and let her and myself quit.

Telling her “maybe” we could work this out between ourselves. Of course I still at this time didn’t know anything about “personality disorders” or that Dorothy was a sociopath and in fact this happen when my oldest son was just a baby. I know I will live with that mistake for the rest of my life.

The next therapist didn’t have the skills needed to work with a family and found it very distracting when our young children attended the session. We both agree to quit this therapist and only went for one session with the therapist.

The last therapist was really a joke..

Why? When in our first and again only session he told Dorothy that there wasn’t anything wrong with her and in fact went on to ask her if she had any “sisters” that he could date. Funny I often wonder if this guy is still working in this field and how I hope to God he isn’t.

Yes my children did go through hell with Dorothy Chambers like anyone will who get involved with her. But I did try which is all any of us can do whenever dealing with these type of people. But if you are involved with a PD (Personality disorder) remember that nothing is their fault and will never take personal responsibility for anything they do. In fact I been told that therapy can sometimes make them worst not better. So if you are thinking about going to therapy please find one that understand and knows what a personality disorder is.

Okay, next question from Angela Wiegold (Pape) aka Angle69.

“Why don't you move on like her First husband did?”

I can only guess that Angela Wiegold (Pape) is suggesting that I stop posting and exposing Dorothy Chambers for what I know she is and what she suffer from. After learning about people that suffer from personality disorders I learned quickly that one can’t play by the rules because for an sociopath there are no rules or at least only “their rules”. This explains why most of us go “no contact” (NC) because one can’t compromise with a person who lack any type of empathy or conscience. We go NC because we learn sooner or later that any contact with them in nothing short then toxic and dysfunctional. We do it to save our own life and sanity. But I feel the need to expose those that will only go on and find yet another source of supply. Someone else to give them what they need albeit food money a place to live, well the list of course goes on and on.

A sociopath is a very parasitic person that needs to feed off of someone. They are empty shells and hate to be alone. These are the same people who can “fall in love quickly” and also fall out of love just as quick. In short they attach to others quickly just like a parasite will but will detach just as quickly once that host have nothing more to offer them and/or they find a better host. So the reason I expose all sociopath is to warn others about them and then hope they will listen and not make the same mistakes that I did. Of course one can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it. One will choose for one’s self. I just hope that the people who read my post and other posting on this subject will be wise and make the right choice. So people choose wisely whenever you can around a person who suffers from a personality disorder. These people will suck you dry!

This is why I don’t just move on like her last husband did. And in fact he regretted that decision himself and took Dorothy Chambers back to court after both his children grew up for back child support that Dorothy never paid. Sorry to inform the readers but Joe and Candy lost their case and Dorothy never had to pay a penny. Joe waited too long and I for one won’t make the same mistake. But unlike Joe I don’t want any child support for all I want is to expose her and people like her to sociality and for whoever will listen to watch out for again they will “suck you dry!” and put you though your own personal "HELL".

Link: http://www.datingpsychos.com/view_psycho.html?psycho_id=680

READ ME FIRST

2009-03-18T20:15:00.004-05:00

When reading the journal you will see many typo's and sentence fractions. The journal is just as I wrote it on the day I wrote it and was never proof read or corrected for spelling errors. The journal itself is the original and in it's original form.

After Dorothy Chambers told me about leaving the children and I on May 22, 2006 I was torn between being relived from all her many problems (emotional and psychological) and struggles (financial) that I went through when she lived with us for those 17 years. But I was also feeling the lost of my self from her and that love which I at the time believed we had at one time. In short I was very glad to see her go but also very much at a lost to see her go. But I truly believe in the beginning we would just work out some type of visitation between the children and her and then go on from there. I guess because I thought that even something this simple was possible between us goes to show the reader just how much denial I myself lived in at this time of my life. I also didn’t know nor have any type of understanding about what a personality disorder was or that something like this even existed. If I for one minute thought that my life with Dorothy was dysfunctional and a emotional roller coaster before she left I am sorry to inform the readers that I was in for the biggest surprise of my life about what was just around the bend concerning Dorothy Chambers and us. So dear readers when reading this journal please keep in mind that this writer doesn’t have a clue what a sociopathic person is or that there are people out there that suffers from a personality disorder.

After Dorothy Chambers left us our lives became even more of a mental and emotional struggle then before. What both the children and I witness after Dorothy left was nothing less then a “mind fuck” which none of us could understand or comprehend. Dorothy’s strange and bizarre behavior became more bizarre and bewildering as the days unfolded before us. Dorothy Chambers changed into something no one knew or even knew existed at all.

Sociopaths are perfect chameleon and can morph into anyone they so choose too. Hooking their next victim just as easy as they hooked you. Because sociopaths view everything in black and white terms one day you are put on a pedestal and then the next day (hypothetically speaking) you are kick to the ground. One day you have value and worth the then the next day you are yesterday’s trash. This happens in each relationship with a sociopath and if you are in one expect it to happen to you as well sooner or later.

Because of all these many “quick” changes and constant demands placed on my children and myself in a very short time from Dorothy, I then started this journal to just keep times and events in order for myself. But soon my personal journal started helping me to deal with it better both emotionally and psychologically so that I kept writing it until there wasn’t any further need to do so. Because my children and I felt that NC (no contact) was best for us in the end. My journal soon ended after we began our commitment to total NC. I would also like to add that NC saved us from further emotional and psychological suffering at her hands and that we live by it and committed to it each and everyday of our life’s.

Personal Journal Part 1

2009-03-11T04:41:00.000-05:00

Special note to self

Some time in April 2006 when I got my cell phone turn back on I started receiving strange calls from unknown people. Example, Some man called and said that Tracfone (the carrier I use) mess up his order and gave me his cell number (I know now that this would never happen, phone numbers are given when you activate your cell phone and then add minutes to you prepaid phone and after not using the cell for a long time.) he requested that any calls I received to give them his new cell number. I informed him I wouldn’t be able to do that, and hung up. On Mother’s day. Some women called my cell phone claiming to be my mother, calling me by a different name. I informed the women that I wasn’t her son and hung up. Dorothy was here and said “see you keep getting calls all the time” as too imply that it was my girlfriend or someone I knew. The Strange cell phone calls stop when Dorothy left me on 5/22/2006. So that I come to believe that Dorothy for some reason, gave her boyfriend (Paul Worman) my cell number. Why she would do this is totally unknown to me. I know I can’t prove this but the coincidence is to great to ignore. Dorothy Chambers is now trying to get me to give her my new home phone number. I talked with my son Joshua about this and he replied no way! I agree with Joshua’s decision. Giving Dorothy our phone number would not be in our best interest right now.

Joshua also said something very interesting. Joshua stated after his mother left that “she never put us first dad”. I later asked him what he meant by that statement and that I thought she only made me feel that way. Joshua said that when Dorothy would bring the children to her parents or her Brother’s or sisters home. That she ignored them. Never asking how they were (having fun, having a good time, etc) doing and ignore their request to leave and/or go home. I know this to be true, because when I went to her parent’s home, she would do the same thing to me.

Update: New home phones number was given on 6/15/06 to Dorothy Chambers with the agreement that said number is not to be given to anyone else.

5/14/06: Mother day weekend. Dorothy said she wanted to go to a hair event with her mother and her sister Marie. Called after 9:00 pm that day to see when she was coming home. Dorothy stated that she would spend the night there at her mother‘s home. Asked what time she would come home on Sunday. She started maybe around 4pm, told her that it’s was Mother day and wanted to spend some time as a family with her and the boys. She then said maybe she would come home early. But Dorothy didn’t return home Sunday until very late that night. Update: 6/17/06, believe that Dorothy went to visit boyfriend on this night and lied about were she stayed. Dorothy used her cell phone so I have no proof of this.

5/22/06: Dorothy Chambers told me that she was leaving the kids and I. I asked if she was seeing someone else and she said yes. Told her that if she was leaving us that she had to leave tonight. (8-9pm) Jesse ask her about the man she was leaving us for. Jesse wanted to know his name. She stated that his name was Paul Williams which turned out to be just another lie (we now know his real last name is Worman). She didn’t want to take Joshua or Jesse. I told her that she had to take Ryan (1 1/2 year old). She said she would. Dorothy stated that she would not leave until she called her mother letting her know she would be coming over. I told Dorothy to use her cell; she stated that she had no minutes left on her cell. Which later turn out to be a lie.

Update: Joshua (Son) later told me that Dorothy purchase minutes that day and saw her adding them to her phone which means that she lied to me about her not having any minutes on her cell phone.

I agree after sometime to let her call. If that was the person she called I do not know. She told me that she would be living at her parent’s home in Lombard IL. Which turned out also to be another lie. She packed some of her stuff. I later learned that she was moving things out of the house a little at a time as to not bring about my suspicions as to what she had planned.

[Update: a few weeks after she left I ask her how long she planned this? A few weeks or months. She stated a few months]

Dorothy informed the children and me that she would move to her parent’s home. She promised to call Jesse and Joshua later that night but never did. Dorothy also stated that she would return for the rest of her property.

5/26/06: Dorothy Chambers called me (630-268-1936) at home on Friday (2:15pm) before the children got home from school and again asked to get some of her property. I asked that if she would wait until next weekend. Having a very stressing week with her leaving and dealing with the children. I was also sick with the flu that was going around at the time. Dorothy stated that she could not do it next weekend. I asked her why but she would not explain the reasons. Dorothy screams at me and said “No I want my stuff!”.

Unknown to me her Mother (Donna Chambers) was on the line without my knowledge and started screaming and cussing at me. Threaten me by stating that she would have her boys come over and physically take Dorothy’s property by force. Demanding that I return Dorothy’s property ASAP! I return the verbal abuse. Donna Chambers then hung up on me. I have caller ID and called back that (630-268-1936) number and inform Donna that Dorothy would have her property tomorrow. I then had to rush about the home gather what property I could find. I told the children what happen and that we would have to go to my sisters (Judy Reddy) for the weekend so that I could return their mother’s property. They weren’t very happy about going. Joshua had plans to see his friends and Jesse wanted to spend time with his friend as well. I explained how her mother (Donna Chambers) threatens me [Donna stated that she would just have her sons come and get Dorothy’s property] and how she said she would bring the whole family if I didn‘t do as I was told. I explain to my children how someone had to watch them when I returned Dorothy’s property. My sister said that I could spend the weekend there. But Knowing Dorothy’s past experiences didn’t want Dorothy or any of her family members coming to her home in Sleepy Hollow. My sister (Judy Reddy) agreed and didn’t want Dorothy at her home as well knowing Dorothy past history. I explain that I would just drop her (Dorothy’s) property at the Spring Hill Mall. Watch it until she came and then leave. Judy agreed.

5/27/06: Dorothy called me on mother’s phone number (630-268-1936) around 10:am. I explained that I would drop off her property at the Spring Hill Mall by Officemate and ask her to go right on front of the Store Street. To take that to behind Walgreen's store. I asked her who would be coming with her and asked if she would not bring her mother. Dorothy said that her mother wasn’t home and would not be coming. Dorothy informed me that her and her sister (Marie) would be the only people coming. I ask about her cell phone and Dorothy informed me that Ryan threw her phone in the toilet and that it did not work anymore. I asked if her sister Marie had a cell and she said no. I then asked her if she wanted to talk with the boys (Joshua and Jesse) and she agreed but as I was walking back into the house Dorothy then changed her mind and said that she would just call the boys after she return back home to her parents house. I then asked again about the arrangements to make sure she knew were she was going. In our conversation, I believe she made a mistake and told me that there would be two cars coming. I ask why she thought she needed two cars and she stated that Marie would drive one with the children and Dorothy would be driving our van for her property. This statement raised a few red flags and I didn’t believe her. My sister (Judy Reddy) helped me unpack her mini-van and but that she had to return back home to give her daughter the van. Judy stated that she would pick me up later with her husband‘s van. She asked me if I would be all right knowing how Dorothy can be and her past history of unstable behavior and also about what I told her concerning my conversation with Dorothy’s mother the day before. I told my sister that I would be fine.

Time: Unknown: Received cell call from unknown number (815-953-0491-Marie?). Dorothy screams that she was unable to location property/me. Tried to explain again, but Dorothy would not listen. She asks me why I was doing this and that she was in front of Officemate. Look in that direction and saw our green Plymouth Van. Dorothy was holding Ryan. Scream in Dorothy direction to get her attention. Dorothy saw me and then pointed at me. Got a bad feeling and started to walk away. Heard a loud engine sound, like a truck/car moving at a very fast speed behind me. Turned around and saw a large gray truck heading straight at me. Started to Run. Then I heard two-truck door’s opening and closing and saw two men running in my direction from the truck. The two unknown white males then started running after me. I ran faster and headed for the first store I could find (Kinko's), the I ran inside of the store and started yelling for someone to call police. Both White males followed (running) me inside Kinko’s store. I turned around at look at one of the unknown male. He had long (update: person turned out to be Dorothy’s brother in law) gray hair. Walked up that white male with my hands up holding my cell phone as to not to be a threat in anyway. Unknown male then turned away from me and called me a pussy then both white males departed the store.

Both the store manager and I called the West Dundee police Department. Ed Lanman the store manager asked me to talk with operator on store phone. I explained to the 911 operator what just happened and that she inform me that she would dispatch a car to that location. Few minutes later. A West Dundee police officer walked into the store and I walked over to him. He asked for my name and other information. Asked me what happen. And then ask me to walk outside with him. I stay by the police car. He walked over to the other officer talking with Dorothy and the other two while male. Officer then asked me how I would get home. Explained that my sister would pick me up.

Officer offered to take me back to my sister’s house. I agreed. Later I called the West Dundee. Police department to ask for the police report number: 06-2105. *update 06-2105 is just a dispatch number. Ask officer what would happen. Officer stated nothing because he didn’t see the truck trying to hit me and nothing could be done. I asked the officer why the two unknown male was chasing me He stated “they saw you running and wanted to know why?”.

5/28/06: No call from children’s mother
5/29/06: No call from children’s mother

Personal Journal Part 2

2009-03-09T20:49:00.001-05:00

5/30/06: Dorothy Chambers called (608-592-1768) about 2:18pm (children were still at school) concerned again about more of her property. Asked that she call back around 7:00 pm. so that she can talk with her children. That the children wanted to tell her something. Dorothy did call back (608-592-1768 Wisconsin number) at 7:14pm. Children explain to Dorothy again that they wanted to stay with me and to stop playing games. After children talked with their mother (short conversation) I asked that she call back on Thursday (6/1/06) between 6:30 to 7:00 pm for her property list that I asked that she write one down.

6/1/06: No call from children’s mother.

6/2/06: Dorothy called (sometime in the afternoon from 608-592-1768 Wisconsin number) and asked about children> I inform her that both were at friends at this time. Asked that we should talk about her property and if she did write the list I requested. She confirmed that she did. We went over what items she wanted (see property file) and we agreed. Dorothy wanted to know why the cell was off for two days. I told her it was off until the specific time that we agree on (6/1/06 between 6:30-7:00 pm). She stated that I was trying to keep to children from talking with her. I stated that if I knew what time she would be calling I could inform the children so that they would be home to receive her call. Dorothy had no response to that statement. Again she asked about my new phone home number and I told her that the phone wasn’t connected yet. Dorothy inform me that she asked her Mother (Donna Chambers) to call my sister about why my cell was off for 2 days. I said nothing; I would wait and asked my sister about that later. Again she asked about my home phone number and I stated that I didn’t know why AT&T was taking so long to get connected. I didn’t want to give Dorothy my new number knowing about what has happened in the past when I gave Dorothy information. I asked her again if that was all concerning her property and she said “for now”. I said no, I wanted to finish this and be done with it. No response from her, again I asked but again no response did I receive from Dorothy, so I said bye and hung up the phone. I later called my sister concerning a message from Dorothy’s mother. Judy confirmed that indeed Donna did leave her a message on her answering machine. Judy later called me back and told me that she talked with Donna and asks to speak to Dorothy, Dorothy’s mother Donna Chambers stated that Dorothy wasn’t there (Dorothy’s mother lied to Judy) that Dorothy was out looking for a job. Both Judy and I knew Dorothy was calling me from an Wisconsin phone number and not her mother’s Illinois home phone number. Donna asked Judy if James got his phone turn on and about his new number and why my cell was off for 2 days. Donna said something about Judy calling back but Judy informs her that she would not be calling her back. Not sure if Donna Chambers knew at this time that we both knew where Dorothy was calling us from and where Dorothy was really at and that she wasn’t in fact living with her mother as Dorothy and Donna wanted us to believe. I also asked Judy if she at any time gave Donna Chambers her personal home phone number and Judy stated that she never did.

6/5/06: Dorothy called around 9:48 am, She asked me about her banking account and asked if I received (I later found out that her account is overdrawn) any mail from her bank. I informed her, That I have not received any of her mail and thought that she might have put in a change of address to the postmaster, She confirmed that she indeed had done so. When Dorothy called me, she still only had my cell number; I informed her I only had 10 units left (10 minutes left) and that we would be cut off when the units ran out. Dorothy asked about the children and I stated that they were still asleep. She asked if she could call back later to speak with them. I asked about what time? And She said around 3:pm. She asked again about my phone number. I told her that my phone was connected. She again requested to have the phone number (home) but I stated I would but only after the children and I needed to see her first (reason: to sign the custody agreements). I told her about calling the crisis center and was trying to get therapy for the children and I. Talk about meeting at the crisis center so that it might be a safer place for us to meet. Dorothy stated that she didn’t want to come to the Elgin Crisis Center. I then asked her about were she thought would be a safer place for us to meet. She didn’t give me an answer. I told her how important it was for us to get to together and then the units ran out. End Call.

*Unknown call around: 12:31pm

*Note to self, Van title is gone. (Found out later that the Van made it to Wisconsin but is now in very bad shape?) Dorothy also wanted to forge my signature and I said no, just mail it back and I would sign it over to her. I told her signing my name is forgery and if I found out I would prosecute.

Dorothy Called back at 3:pm on the hour as agreed. Dorothy asked to speak to the children. I asked Jesse and he said that he didn’t want to speak with her. Joshua talk with her for a short time but then he later gave me back the phone. She was upset that the children didn’t want to talk with her and she started to cry. Dorothy ask my why they didn’t want to talk. I told her that they needed time and I as well. Told her to call back on Friday (to try and get her to sign the custody paperwork, I explained it to the children and they agreed) so that I can give her the information as to were we might meet. Dorothy again talked about her property again. I told her I would return it when we got together on Saturday. Ask her if she wanted anything else she didn’t reply, so I then just hung up the phone!

6/9/06: Dorothy called back on Friday. I informed her that the therapist thought the children meeting her so soon after her leaving would not be a good ideal (this was a lie, I just needed more time on custody research and the children didn‘t want to see her) she then stated that I was lying (this time she was right, can’t be wrong all the time) and demanded the phone number for the therapist. I told her it was Aunt’s Martha’s Youth Service and gave her the number. Dorothy then demanded her property that day. I told her that wasn’t part of our agreement, that the reason I asked her to call back on Friday was give her the information as to were we would meet and return property on Saturday. I had prearranged with Judy that she would come to my home after work on Friday to pick what was here (some boxes were in Judy’s home and some it was here in Elgin) and then to spend the night at her place and then I would do all this on Saturday. Dorothy at the time didn’t know about my arrangements with Judy. Dorothy again stated that I “was changing things” and accused me of “lying“. And stated that I said she would get her property on Friday which I never did. (At this time she didn’t know that I knew she was living in Wisconsin). The phone number she was calling from was her (630-627-0765) sister’s Marie. Again I defended myself and told her that wasn’t true. I asked why she could not meet me on Saturday and she just stated that she couldn’t and gave no reason for her reasons. Dorothy said that she was coming over to my home and I then told her that not all of her property was here. I explained that some property of hers was here but that some of her property was at my sister’s. Not sure if Dorothy believed this and I stated that I would call the police if she came. Dorothy stated fine “I haven’t done anything”. I agreed, (sounds like Springhill Mall all over again) but that this would just cause more problem for the children and I. She said nothing. I again stated that it would be a stupid act on her part because only some of her property was here and the other property was at my sister‘s home. This call happened around 3:38pm, I then called Judy at work earlier confirming that she was still coming over after work and Judy said Yes, she would leave her job at 3:30. But Judy was late getting to my home and didn’t arrive until later 4:pm sometime. I told my sister that Dorothy demanded her property today and I told Dorothy I would call the West Dundee police later today and that’s were it would be. I stated that I would not be there when she retrieved her belonging. She wanted to know what time and I stated that I was not sure. She again pushed the issue and then I (was getting very upset and scared at this time) said to give me one hour. Again, Judy was very late getting to my home, but as soon as she arrived I told Dorothy called and demanded her property today. Packed Judy’s van and rush the children out of the house not know if Dorothy would indeed drive to my home or not. But when driving back to Judy’s home, I explain to her about my conversation with Dorothy. Judy didn’t know were the West Dundee police department was, so we agreed just to take it to the Sleepy Hollow police department. While still driving to Judy’s home I received a call on my cell from the 630-627-0765 number. Judy knew that I was very upset and scared so she stated that she would speak with Dorothy, I agreed. Judy talked with Dorothy and I could hear some of the conversation because Dorothy was talking so loud on my cell phone. Judy also started speaking loud to be able to get a work in. Judy stated that some of her property was now in her van and the rest at her house. Judy told Dorothy that she didn’t want Dorothy of any of her family at her residences and that her property would be at (reason to drop Dorothy property at police station, see 5/27, Spring Hill mall incident) the Sleepy Hollow Police department, because Judy was not sure were the West Dundee police department was located. Dorothy said she knew were the West Dundee Police department was and told her, but Judy replied that wasn’t the location. Judy then asked Dorothy why the big rush about getting her property today and what wrong with Saturday? Dorothy stated: “I live in Wisconsin now and can’t keep coming back to Illinois” (Judy later told me that she could hear voices in the background telling her not to tell her about Wisconsin). Judy replied back “you live in Wisconsin?”. Dorothy confirmed that. Judy asked Dorothy if she was coming alone, and Dorothy replied “Yes”, Judy then asked if she would be driving the (ours) green Plymouth van and Dorothy again stated “yes”. Both of these statements turn out to be lies because when Dorothy did arrive at the SHPD, her boyfriend (Paul Worman) was driving his vehicle and Dorothy didn’t come alone as she stated. Judy was getting upset with Dorothy and then just stated loudly (yelling) that her stuff would be at the Sleepy Hollow PD. And then Judy just discounted the cell call. Also, later I asked what Dorothy said to her. Judy later confirmed that she was upset about how the cell phone conversation with Dorothy went. I also notice that Judy was indeed physically shaken and upset due to this call. We then arrived at Judy house and we both packed up the rest of Dorothy’s property in her mini-van. I left children in Crystal’s care (Judy’s daughter) and drove to the SHPD. When we arrived at the SHPD. Judy asked if we could leave some property for pick up today but the operative told us she would have a Police office dispatched to us. When the officer arrived at the SHPD parking lot he stated that we can’t just leave the property here, that Judy would be fine for littering and that we would have to wait until the concerning party arrived.

After a long (it took longer then it should have) time, I asked that maybe we should call back the phone number on my cell (630-627-0765) to see if Dorothy left her sister’s home yet to come and get her stuff. I called and there was no answer. We assumed that she was on her way. Waited for some more and then Judy asked if I had any other phone numbers. I told her I still had the one from the Spring Hill Mall incident, So She (815-953-0491) called that one. No one answered, but some time later a man call back my cell number which I gave to my sister to answer and the person (man) stated that someone called him. My sister explain that we were trying to reach Marie (Dorothy’s sister). Don (later I learned who cell number this was) then allow Judy to speak with Marie. Judy asked if Dorothy was on her way and if she would be here soon? Marie was surprised and stated that Dorothy should be there soon and that Dorothy had indeed left some time ago.

Dorothy did finally arrive at the SHPD parking lot but both Judy and I knew that it had taken her longer then it should have. Dorothy was not along and not driving her vehicle. Boyfriend (Paul Worman) was driving his vehicle. (Green Blazer?) Judy and I started to upload Dorothy property. I was very upset that she lied to both Judy and myself (again) about the arrangements. I told Dorothy that this was all the property that she had in our home and not to call me again concerning this issue. Dorothy agreed by shaking her head. After Dorothy loaded her boyfriends’ vehicle, (boyfriend didn’t help). Paul Worman returns to his vehicle and I returned to Judy’s vehicle. Paul’s vehicle left first and Judy followed behind them to the exit point of the SHPD parking lot. We both saw that the vehicle’s license plate was indeed from that state of Wisconsin, but didn’t have time to write down the licene plate number. Thank God this day was over!!!!.